Written Sep 19, 2012 8:13am by Renee Albracht
What a strange night! I think I died or had a dream I was dying. I wonder if that's what sleep apnea feels like! Maybe I just got a really dry throat or the drastic change in temperature got to me. Either way, I shot up out of bed gasping for air. I drank some water, but still kept coughing. Didn't scare me or anything. Just thought it was a strange experience. The coughing subsided and I went back to sleep.
The temperature dropped to the 40s and the AC was still on. I would be cuddled up with an extra cover over me then I would have a hot flash and kick them off. Then, I would be freezing and pull the covers back over me. I sure do hope this para menopausal thing is temporary. If not, me and the doctor are going to have to have a different kind of talk after chemo is over!!!
I've had a pretty good week so far. As you know, my class was cancelled Monday to set up for our armed officer simulation exercise. I had asked my boss if I could sit in on the others this year. I was afraid that because of my chemo brain and aching muscles, I would not perform well. I still wanted to run through it myself, but I thought I would get more out of watching others. Since part of my role at work is the training officer, he agreed.
So, I went through simulation on Monday afternoon. I remember them teasing me last year that I was acting more like a counselor and needed to respond more like law enforcement. During one scenario, a girl had a gun to her head threatening suicide. Instead of pulling out my weapon and taking cover while I talked to her, I went and kneeled down in front of her. She turned the gun on me and shot me.
The simulation is an interactive video. The man who runs it can control, to a point, how the people on the screen react based on what I do or say. He even has a devise that will shoot little pellets at you when the person on the screen fires. (The machine was not working last year and he didn't use it on my this year. He really only uses it to increase the stress level of those too calm in order to mimic the stress level of a real life scenario.) The program also records where our shots with the air gun strike so we can see how accurate we are under stress. It proves my point that I make to students when talking about defending against weapons or using a weapon as a self defense tool. Even the best shots can be inaccurate under stress and against a moving target, even at very close range.
The suspect doesn't always shoot. The simulation is also intended to help us with our decision making skills--what weapon will we need for this situation--gun, asp baton, our body, or simply our voice?
I surprised myself this year. I did much better than I have in past years and remembered more details during the debrief. I suppose the lessons I learned from past years helped. I also think I may have mentally over compensated for my brain and body fatigue.
Watching others did help in several ways. One, I am one of the least experienced armed officers on campus. Most of the others have prior police or military experience. I thought that because of my status, I would be the worst performing. Turns out, my decision making skills and shooting ability is at par with the others! Suppose my experience at Belmont is more valuable than I imagined!
I also saw some areas I would like to improve in future simulation trainings or things we can do now to improve our performance. Very happy about how everyone performed and my role in it all this year and where we can take it in the future! Things like this really make me love my job and feel like I am an important member of this team!
I also had a talk with my boss about how I was feeling like I was letting him and others down. He told me he would tell me if I was letting him down. As a matter of fact, he used me as an example to someone else about working hard and being a forward and big picture thinker--describing how I stay late the weeks I am here to get as much done as possible and how I still answer emails and do what I can even when I am out and not feeling well. That made me feel better about things.
Last night was an example of me staying late. A friend of mine was working over as well and stopped to chat with me. He told me that I have inspired him some lately. He is going through a divorce and it is dragging on longer than he had hoped. At first, he didn't want the divorce, but he has now found peace and is ready to move on. However, the process is still dragging on and it has gotten to him some. Then, he thinks about me and what I am going through and he thinks, "if Renee can deal with that, I can deal with this." I told him about Tynan and my niece and nephew. I told him they were my motivators in the same way. He is a spiritual guy and we also discussed how what we go through, whether divorce or cancer, isn't about us. It's about others and how our experiences can help us to help and love others. Good talk!
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