I'm Going on an Adventure

As I sit in my hotel room in Texarkana, I can't help but compare myself to Bilbo Baggins. Life on the Shire is pleasant and predictable. He minds his own business and has a love affair with his books. He has no intention of disrupting this pleasant life, but Gandalf disrupts it for him, taking him on an adventure!

I see the hand of God in my day starting more than two years ago when He promised me things would eventually get better.

Last spring, I told Mike he should join me for Christmas. We actually had a pretty good plan going. Then, Morgan came to live with him and things weren't going to work out quite as we planned.

I still planned on Brad coming back to Texas with me like we did last year. Would help me with expenses and give me company. I would take him to his folks and spend a few days there before heading to see my family. That didn't work out as planned, either. Brad's job was going to keep him in town and he could not join me. So, Bailey and I made the trip alone.

God wanted it this way!

I was originally going to leave on Saturday like I always do, make the most out of my time home. However, after working two weeks in a row and being flat out exhausted by that first Friday back at work full time, I decided it would be a good idea to take the weekend to rest before travelling.

Then, I got a text from my mom Friday morning telling me that my step dad was in the hospital. (He is doing much better!) I immediately turned to Mike and  told him I was going home right then. However, after talking it over with Mike and Terry, I realized I had too much to do at work and home to get ready to leave. There was nothing I could do at the moment anyway. I decided, instead, to leave work early to get things done and leave on Saturday as I had originally planned.

Something didn't feel right, though. I didn't know why, but something inside kept telling me to wait. So, I spent a day at the movies with friends on Saturday. We saw Rise of the Guardians and the Hobbit. Both great movies.

I considered leaving on Sunday, but again, something told me to wait. I told myself that I needed to consider my own health. I also told myself I might as well stay one more day and go to my church's children's service and Sunday School Christmas party. Both were legitimate reasons for staying, but it was that unnameable, inaudible voice that made me stay until Monday.

God wanted it that way!

So, I woke up this morning and before I left, I said a short prayer. In my prayer, I asked for a safe, uneventful trip with God at the wheel. It was uneventful in that I did not have any problems with weather or traffic and He sure did show up and take charge of the trip!

Mike bought me a nifty device that allows me to play music from my iPhone through my radio. I forgot to read the directions before I left so I simply listened to the radio. When I lost the WayFM signal, I scanned the stations and stopped on another Christian station.

A man was preaching about waiting on God. I knew that sermon was meant for me. After the mental and physical struggles I have been experiencing, I knew I needed this lesson. I am still experiencing the side effects of chemo. The most recent one is another boil in the nose. This time, it's the left nostril. Although it is still there, it has popped a few times, decreasing the pain. But, it is another reminder of what I have just been through and the journey I still must travel.

As I listened to the sermon, I realized waiting entailed more of my life than simply recovering from cancer. Two illustrations truly spoke to me. The first was a story about a woman who visited a monastery. She went on a walk trying to find peace. However, she could not sit still for more than a few minutes at a time. She felt like she needed to be doing something, reading a book, something. Sounds familiar!

On her way back to the monastery, she saw a monk sitting perfectly still. He looked very peaceful and he stayed that way for quite some time. She later asked him how he could possibly sit there doing nothing. He said that she has fallen victim to the society in which she lives. We live in a society where everything is at our fingertips. We do not have to wait for anything. We have lost sight of the gift of waiting.

Sitting still is not an act of doing nothing. It is doing the greatest thing one can do. It is waiting on God. It is in the waiting that we hear the voice of God.

The preacher went on to talk about how hard it is at first, but promises that it gets easier with time.

This is something I have lost and have prayed to recover and do better than ever. Before my divorce, I knew how to sit in silence. I loved my time at the monastery. Granted, I, like the lady, felt like I needed to do something, even read. After the divorce, I could not stand the silence. Just when I started to find the peace in silence again, I got cancer and lost that peace. Once again, I needed noise around me to keep me calm, specifically, the mind numbing television.

I don't blame the divorce alone for this change. Around the same time, I got my first iPhone. Now, I had the world at my fingertips. I quickly got used to texting, instant access to email and the Internet. I no longer had still, quiet moments in my life.

After the sermon ended, I turned off the radio. It amazes me how awake I felt and how quickly time flew by without music. I thought all kinds of thoughts, remarked on the view in front of me, talked to God - I enjoyed the journey instead of marking time with songs and destination points!

The other part of the sermon was just as powerful. He talked about how we tend to get in the way of the Holy Spirit. This got my attention because I have a big problem with this. God does not always work on my time clock. The pastor reassured the listeners that if we get out of the way, God will work. He said it may not look like it, but we must trust Him because He loves us. He also said sometimes we get so complacent  in our lives. Why would we move if we are comfortable?

He compared our relationship to God with a mother eagle and her young. When it is time for the young eagle to leave the nest, some young eagles are eager and venture out on their own. Some are too comfortable in their nest. So, Momma Eagle dirties the nest and makes it uncomfortable. Some young eagles will leave because their bed is no longer comfortable. Some still refuse to leave.

If they still refuse to leave, Momma Eagle jostles the nest until the young eagle falls out. As he falls, he struggles and fights. It looks like he's going to crash into the ground. Just at the last second, Momma Eagle swoops down below him and scoops him up on her back.

They sore up to the sky and fly. Just when the young eagle feels safe and secure again, Momma Eagle drops him. She does this over and over again until the young eagle learns to use his wings and fly on his own.

Is that not powerful? Need I say more to interpret that one?

In the quiet of the car, I thought back to my trips to Gethsemane. I did not get to go this year. Last year, I was so sick, I spent most of the time in my room asleep. I never once went hiking. The year before that, Brad and I just split up and I was in the worse place I had ever been.

I remember that walk with God. I remember the fight in the woods (not a literal fight). I remember finding my way again and God telling me to look back. I did and saw the shape of a cross carved out of the trees, the spot where I stood looking out across the glorious landscape, before I got lost. He called my attention to the sense of relief and peace I felt at that moment. He told me my life, like that moment, would get better. He promised me I would come out the other side stronger and I would find peace. The year before that he showed me the tree which split apart in the middle. He used that tree to warn me of the bad about to come. He told me things would get worse before they got better, but He promised they would get better.

Amazing moments with my God. When I wait on Him, He will talk to me. He has kept every promise He ever made me. So, during my trip today, I decided to turn off the world and practice waiting.

Stop number one: just past Memphis into Arkansas. I stopped for gas and was approached by a man who needed help. My cynical instincts questioned his motives. God told me to obey Him and forget about his motives, that was between God and the man. God called to mind what I often tell student groups. "I want to help people, but I don't give cash. I will help anyone-gas, food, tow truck, but I will not give them cash." I explain the safety reasons behind this. God asked, "Are you, then, a liar?"

I filled up his gas can. As I continued down the road, I checked my wallet to make sure it was still there. I thought of all the ways he could have possibly scammed me even though I followed all my own safety tips - lock the car door even if I am standing right beside it, don't keep my back to him, be aware of my surroundings, etc. There was no real opportunity for him to scam me other than take gas he really didn't need or want, but I kept insisting in my mind that he scammed me some how.

Stop number two: other side of Little Rock at a rest stop so Bailey and I could stretch our legs.

As I walked her around, I saw this man screaming. I kept a close eye on him, unsure if he was in desperate need of help or crazy. I saw him bend over and start throwing up. Two older women, one whom I assumed worked there, asked him if he was okay. She managed to get him talking and eventually sit down. He grabbed his chest and pointed toward the parking lot. From their interaction, I thought he had either been shot or hit by a car. I did not see blood, but he was wearing a dark green sweater and dark green camouflage overalls.

The woman who was talking to him walked away. Looked like she was getting something out of his truck. I asked the other woman if they needed me to call for help. She said an ambulance was on the way. I continued walking Bailey, but God kept nagging me to do something. So, I did the only thing I knew to do and I prayed for him. That was not enough for God. He wanted more. I did not.

"There are two women attending him and an ambulance on the way. They have it under control," I reasoned. God, however, does not care anything for our logic. He again used my own words against me.

"What is it you tell them in the new staff and new student orientations?" I explain to them why it is important to call security first instead of or in addition to calling metro in an emergency situation. "Seconds count," I say, "and we can get there faster than metro because we are already here and know where to go. All our officers are trained in first aid and CPR."

I looked over at the scene and the man was laying on the ground and the two women stood over him doing nothing. If he was bleeding, I needed to try to control the bleeding. Seconds count. "But it doesn't look like there's anything I can really do," I pleaded, not wanting to get involved. "Then comfort him," God said.

I walked Bailey to the scene, told them I was trained in first aid and CPR and asked if they needed help. One woman was on the phone with the paramedics and told them a woman who knew CPR was on the scene. I took that as my cue to help. I took Bailey back to the car then came back.

The man was not bleeding. I didn't do much other than make sure he lay on his side, none of the good Samaritans gave him anything to eat or drink, and talked to him, doing my best to calm him down and trying to slow his breathing. The first officer on the scene was there within minutes and the paramedics were close behind. I stayed only long enough to ask the officer if he needed me to stick around. When he said no, I left and let them do their thing. I did hear them talking. They think he may have had a appendicitis.

Back on the road, I could not believe how good I felt. I did nothing yet I did something profound. I obeyed God. Granted, I fought Him, but in the end, I knew I had to do what He told me to do. I knew if I didn't do it, I would be mad at myself. If I didn't do it, He would not trust me with greater things. If I didn't do it, I would never grow.

I teased God, wondering what would be in store for me at the next stop. I asked God to join me today and did He ever. He used stop number two to teach me a lesson about stop number one. When He tells me to do something, I need to do it and stop questioning Him. He taught me something about my attitude of giving.

During the course of the day, He also taught me the importance of waiting and explained why He allows us to go through seemingly bad stuff. It is all about love.

Now, I am going on another adventure...to Whataburger...home of the best burgers and chocolate shakes ever! No Whataburgers in Tennessee!

Fail

My Jesus Calling daily devotional for yesterday read, "...In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe. Not only is this an impossible goal, but it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth. When your private life feels unsteady and you grip My hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence on Me..."

Yesterday turned out to be a cluster of exasperated breakdowns. I started the day on lumosity.com, scoring in the eighty percentile, not a bad score, but below my pre-cancer ability. As the day progressed, I continued to have problems functioning mentally. After a meeting, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get a co-worker to understand my point.

Many of us at work joke around constantly. We, including myself, have made many jokes about chemo brain. Anytime anyone made a silly mistake, we would blame it on my chemo brain. I laughed and made just as many jokes at my own expense and at other's expense as they made.

Yesterday, however, the jokes got to me. I thought it insensitive to joke after I had just discussed with them how  sensitive I was because both my brain and body were slow and taking me a lot of time to recover.

All this emotion culminated when I tried to scoot a heavy box from one room to another. Simply pushing a box a few feet wore me out. With the mental exhaustion and now the physical exhaustion after having done very little, I fell to my knees, laid my head on the box, and cried. I wanted to punch something or scream, but I did not want to draw attention to me. I felt like such a loser.

I tried to talk to Mike, but it didn't go well at first. I was so upset that I made him think I was mad at him. I finally got him to understand that I was just venting. I felt so worthless and knew I did not belong in my new job. The old, competent, confident, smart, and fit Renee was hired to be Assistant Chief, not this Renee. This Renee was not competent, confident, smart, or fit. What if I never got better?

I was not doing anything other than what I had been doing in my old role. Yesterday, the best I could do was clean out and start organizing a very dirty and disorganized equipment walk-in closet. I didn't need to be Assistant Chief to do that!

Mike tried to console me and tried to make me feel like a valued member of the team, but at the time, I was so frustrated, I would not listen.

On the way home, I called Brad to ask about Bailey. He asked me how work went and when I tried to tell him, I felt like I was going to burst out crying. I bit my tongue, trying to keep from crying. When I get angry, I tend to have trouble expressing myself. When I have trouble expressing myself, I end up crying. Now, add the additional low brain activity to my natural reaction to anger, my frustration multiplied and I really felt miserable.

Brad took my silence for a snub so I let him know what was going on. In doing so, I cried again. He was such a good listener. Even though Mike is a great friend and a great listener, he was too close to the situation of the day. Brad was an unbiased and unconcerned listener. He helped me process my emotions and calm down. Like a person learning to walk again doesn't just get up and walk, but has to go through physical therapy, I too, have to work at getting better. Someone has to clean the closet. Why not me?

I still felt miserable last night. Mike and I talked some more about the entire day and some of our shared frustrations with work. I told Mike about the devotional from the day!

"Fail!" I joked.

I vented to God. Nothing seemed to help. To make matters worse, my Texans were getting slaughtered. I felt bad, as if I had infected them with my bad mojo, causing them to have a bad night. I turned off the television and went to bed, hoping to feel better in the morning.

Unfortunately, I woke up with a headache and felt no better than I had the day before. My devotional for today was about sharing all my hopes, dreams, and concerns with God. "Spend time allowing My light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality...Do not try to hurry this process. If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame. Hurry is not in My nature." I shared everything I wanted, from improving my mental and physical health to becoming a professional writer.

I got the point. God tried to prepare me yesterday for the day I would have. I gave in to my emotions and failed to give in to Him. Luckily, He never leaves us where we are at. I resigned myself to the fact that this is going to take some time. I gave it all to Him. Whatever He wants from me, I gave it to Him.

Although there were a few bumps at work, my mood greatly improved. I was able to say some things to some coworkers that I could not say the day before. I had a really good and productive meeting. I even found joy in cleaning the closet. I saw it as a type of rehabilitation, a way to stay active and help both my mental and physical well-being.

I played my lumosity.com game at the end of the day today. My score shot up by ten points. I think playing later in the day after my brain has a little exercise makes for better results than when I play first thing in the morning when I am tired.

I also learned that it is important to talk things out with people. Sure made me feel better!

Situations may not change, but the way we look at them can. The hard part will be getting out of my own head long enough to give myself a break and to focus and to rely on God.

Joy and Frustration

Many people have talked about how they are having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I, on the other hand, have had no problems finding joy in the holidays. After the year I have had, heck, after the past few years I have had, I feel more alive and giving than ever before!

In the past, I have been a horrible gift giver and I used to be quite miserly. Granted, I never had much money and considered having to spend money to get home as my gift for everyone. Got me out of having to do much thinking. I would even get mad when people got me gifts because I could not reciprocate. I had the Sheldon Cooper attitude about gift giving.

Penny:  I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's to late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.

You can watch the whole clip at http://youtu.be/e0PVaqV7LxM. Hilarious! My favorite show!!!

Anyway, this year has been different. Not only have I completely abandoned my miserly ways, I have found it quite easy to come up with gift ideas for most people. It has become important for me to give thought to the gift! I have been having so much fun thinking of the right gift and getting the right gift for folks. Granted, I still have to pay for the trip home so I am having to curtail my desires and not quite go over the deep end like I would if money were of no concern at all! If I could, I would get gifts for everyone I know!

On the flip side of things, I am having a tough time at work. I used to love coming to work, but lately, it just puts me in a bad mood. Biggest reason is that I don't feel like I deserve the recent raise and promotion. My brain and my body are slow. After meeting with the doctor last Monday, I finally came to terms with my body needing time to recoup, but I did not realize just how tough it would be. I also didn't account for the chemo brain needing time to recover as well.

After a simple walk one block to the campus post office last week, I returned to my office winded as if I had sprinted there and back. By Friday, I was so exhausted. I could have crawled under my desk and gone right to sleep. My hands and my feet are swollen and feel very arthritic.

By Friday evening, I was scared to death that I was getting sick again. I hadn't felt that tired since before I was diagnosed with cancer and used to spend days in bed with no energy. I slept for ten hours or more and woke up Saturday morning feeling great again. Turns out my body simply wasn't used to working for two weeks straight anymore. Last week would have been a chemo week and I would have been in bed or on the couch all week. I simply wore myself out by just being out and about all week!

On Saturday, we went out for breakfast and Christmas shopping. That little bit walking around a mall wore me out. It is going to be an uphill battle regaining my strength.

I did have fun going out to dinner with a group of friends from work. I was tired by the time we got there, but I did enjoy their company!

My double decker brisket and pulled pork sandwich after I smashed it down to be able to fit it in my mouth! The  BBQ version of the Big Mac! (could not finish it!)

Trying to eat my big sandwich!

This weekend, I realized just how bad the chemo brain has hindered me. I am having trouble with simple math and directions. I have signed up for lumosity.com. Playing those games, especially the math game and spacial recognition game frustrate me and make me realize just how bad things have gotten.

I used to be very physically fit and active. I also used to be pretty smart. Now, to be so physically weak and below average mentally is getting to me. I know it will get better, but until then, are those around me going to understand and support me or will they get frustrated with my slow progress and wonder, as I do now, what I'm doing in this role as Assistant Chief and ask me to step down?

I think the other thing that has me in a mood today is the messages I've received the past two days. A portion of the sermon yesterday and my devotional today were the same - in times of trouble, when things go terribly wrong, will I be able to find joy in knowing my Lord and Savior? Will I reach for Him and hold His hand? I am wondering what He's trying to prepare me for. I had a very honest, pleading prayer time with Him this morning. Haven't I been through enough the past few years? I don't want to be like Job anymore. PLEASE let me have a little peace for a little bit.

I would love to crawl under a rock and not deal with these issues at all. However, that would solve nothing. If I want to get better, I have to do the work. I also have to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I have been told recovery would take a while. It's just so hard knowing where I was and dealing with the realities of where I am. It will be a good lesson in patience and indurance.

I read a quote from JJ Watt on Facebook yesterday. He said, "If your goal is not to be the greatest, then you are kind of wasting your time!" I want to be the best I can be. I cannot get there if I'm not willing to do the work to get there.

Renee's Brigade T-Shirts On Sale Now!

"You are in complete remission. For all practical purposes, you are cancer free."
-Dr. Anthony Meluch
December 3, 2012

We won!

T-Shirts for Renee's Brigade to help pay past and future medical bills go on sale starting today! Since the shirts are intended to raise money for medical bills, I did not want to spend money up front only to be left with shirts I cannot sell, thus, defeating the purpose of this project.

For that reason, I will be accepting pre-order shirts from now until January 3rd. The reason I am giving it so much time is because I will be in Texas for the holidays and will not be back in town until January 3rd. If anyone sends money via mail, I will not know it until after the holidays. Plus, some of you may want to wait until after Christmas before spending any money, even for a worthy cause!

You can purchase t-shirts online by visiting my blog at http://treneealbracht.blogspot.com/. If you do not have a paypal account, you can login as a paypal guest and pay with a debit or credit card.

If you wish to pay with a check, you may send a check via mail. Be sure to include shirt size(s) and shipping costs.

Renee Albracht
3905 Eckhart Drive
Nashville, TN 37211

Costs per shirt:

Small - $18.00 + $4.95 shipping
Medium - $18.00 + $4.95 shipping
Large - $18.00 + $4.95 shipping
X-Large - $18.00  + $4.95 shipping
2X-Large - $19.00 + $4.95 shipping
3X-Large - $20.00 + $4.95 shipping

If you need a larger shirt, let me know.

Only One Returned to Give Thanks

Until this morning, I have almost cried only once after hearing the good news. My sister told me that when she went to pick up her boys on Monday, she started to explain why her face was red and puffy. My nephew, Tyler, asked "Aunt Ne Ne?" My sister said yes. He asked, "Cancer free?" She said yes. He raised his hands in victory and cheered. What a special little boy. I can't wait to see them and give them a big ole' hug.

I told my sister that I would probably cry when I saw my family. If it didn't hit me before, it would hit me then.

This morning was the staff Christmas breakfast at Belmont. I always enjoy this time of celebration. This year was especially blessed. The Vice-President of Spiritual Development read scripture and said a prayer. He announced to those gathered the good news that I was in full remission. He included me in his prayer.

God convicted me during the program. Another staff member got up and talked about how greedy and miserly people can be during the Christmas season, the Scrooges of the world, the ungrateful gift recipients. He repeated the phrase, "I don't want to be that guy."

He told the story of the ten lepers healed by Jesus. Only one returned to give Him thanks. That story broke my heart. I have been healed, yet instead of giving thanks, I have been grumbling because things did not go my way and the battle is not yet over. I closed my eyes and with genuine gratitude, gave thanks. I repeated the phrase "thank you" until my heart felt forgiven and I truly felt grateful. What a profound and wonderful moment of healing and gratitude!

Afterward, many came and congratulated me. Their joy for me was infectious. I am finally feeling the joy myself. Several asked "what now" and as I told them what I faced this next year, I added, "But that is nothing. I can handle it. The worst is over!"

When I returned to the office, one of the officers who had not heard the news asked what all the congratulations were for. I told him the good news and added the part about the next year and how easy that would be compared to chemo. I smiled as I watched him fight back tears for me. For the first time that morning, I heard what I had been saying. "I can handle it. This is nothing!"

It's true. It may not have been the easy road I expected, but it's not going to be that hard. I get my life back, I just don't get it all at once. As my boss says, "it's a process." Small steps that will lead to great victories.

I truly am blessed!

God, Help Me

I have waited six months for the news I received yesterday. However, nothing about the day even came close to the way I imagined it playing out.

I intended to take the entire day off since my dad was still going to be in town. I figured we could do a little Christmas shopping in the morning before my 2:15pm appointment. Plans changed last Thursday when I learned that the television show, Nashville, would be recording on campus Monday and Tuesday. Although my part ended with minimal planning assistance, I believe in leading by example.

One of the first things I did when I woke up Monday morning was gather the clothes I planned to wear to the doctor. Rarely have I given this much thought: jeans, t-shirt, cap. Easy enough! As I assessed my t-shirt wardrobe, though, I pulled out the shirt I knew I needed to wear. It is brown with the word "Believe" on the front.

I had an extremely difficult time "believing" throughout the course of the morning. Shortly after arriving to work, Mike and I took a walk to the heart of campus to see how the production was going and to make sure everything was running smoothly. One of the officers got an attitude with me about an email I sent him asking for clarification on a report. Although I meant what I told him, I expected more from him and the officer who actually wrote the poor report, I handled it very badly. I got very angry, defensive, and stormed off. After taking a few moments to cool down, I returned to where he stood and apologized. I explained that my nerves and stress over my upcoming doctor's appointment was getting to me. He apologized as well and we were able to successfully move on.

My nerves were not getting any better, though. With everything else well under control, I decided to enjoy the pleasant weather and go for a walk around the perimeter of campus, hoping to get my emotions in check and calm down. Instead, the further I walked, the worse I felt. I played out every possible bad scenario.

If Mr. Meluch told me I was going to need more chemo or start radiation, I would start saying my goodbyes. There was no way I could handle going through this anymore right now. People may have credited me with being strong, but my strength ends here. I had had enough.

If he was going to tell me I needed a bone marrow transplant, I would ask to do it in San Antonio. There is no way I could sit at home for six weeks without working. I would go crazy. At least in San Antonio, I could have my family nearby.

Just when I thought I could not take it anymore, God reminded me of His words to me that very morning. My mom gave me a daily devotional written as if Jesus is speaking directly to me. Monday's words read:

Do not be surprised by the fiery attacks in your mind. When you struggle to find Me and live in My Peace, don't let discouragement set in. You are engaged in massive warfare, spiritually speaking. The evil one abhors your closeness to Me, and his demonic underlings are determined to destroy our intimacy. When you find yourself in the thick of battle, call upon My name: Jesus, help me!! In that instant the battle becomes Mine; your role is simply to trust Me as I fight for you!

I looked up and said, "God, help me! It's yours now!" The anxiety only increased as they day wore on, but at least I was able to stop playing the "what if" game.

My dad met me, Mike, and Terry for lunch. My stomach hurt and I had no appetite. My stomach had been upset all day and my neck and shoulders were still sore. They are always sore after the shot the Tuesday after chemo week. It was lingering longer than normal this time. I thought the stomach ache was because of the brownie sundae I had for desert Sunday night! With no appetite, I ate light.

When we got back to the office, I still had a little over an hour to kill before going to the doctor. I could not focus on anything, though. Instead of even trying to work, I wasted time on Facebook. A friend of mine posted the exact same message as my devotional from the morning. I knew God was trying to tell me something. I thanked her for the post and attempted to let God have my anxiety.

"It's just so hard," I admitted to Him.

I think my sister nailed it best when she summed up her anxiety for me. She said as long as I was going through chemo, I still had a fight. I was still doing something. Now, it is truly and completely in God's hands. It is out of my control.

When she told me this, I remember thinking, "This is where true faith comes in." Now, though, I was having difficulty releasing the control to Him. I am a control freak and in this moment, I had no choice but to wait on Him. Proved nearly impossible.

I went ahead and got changed and planned to leave early. I decided I would rather wait there than here. If I waited there, maybe they would see me early. Mike could tell I was extremely tense and he tried to joke with me and reassure me. He even tried to give me a hug. I told him I could not hug him because if I did, I would start crying and I did not want to cry.

I was also sick and tired of everyone texting me, messaging me, and telling me that I would hear only good things from the doctor. I was hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I did not want to hear everyone's happy thoughts. What if they were wrong? Every cancer patient and every loved one wants and expects to hear good news. Not everyone does, though. Until I heard it from the doctor, I wanted to hear nothing from anyone else.

As I left, another co-worker asked me where I was going. Without looking back and with all seriousness, I said, "I"m going to find out if I'm going to live or die." I ignored their reassuring remarks.

At the doctor's office, I did get in a little early. The nurse taking my blood took my temperature twice. I usually have a temperature around 96 degrees, but it was 99 degrees. She asked me if I was okay. I thought she was asking if I felt okay because I had a slight fever. I said yes. She said the reason she asked was because I did not look okay. I told her I would be okay after I talked to the doctor. She smiled and understood.

As we waited for Dr. Meluch, I shared some of my concerns with my dad. He said he expected nothing, but good news. He commented on the fact that my mom was here when I found out I had cancer and he was here to find out I was cured. I grabbed a few tissues and told him I thought I would cry no matter what he told me. I was on the very edge of loosing all control.

Lucky, Dr. Meluch did not keep us waiting long. He asked me how I was doing. I said, "I don't know yet." I could tell by the look on his face that it was good news. He examined me and everything looked good.

The PET scan and CT scan came back negative. I still had a few enlarged lymph nodes, but the could be scar tissue, nothing to worry about. My lung function test came back 7% worse than the last test, but this is still not bad. I am still a bit anemic, but my blood count is good.

He said my form of cancer has a high success rate, but I was even better because I responded so well to treatment. All looks good. He credits my age and fitness level prior to cancer for how well I did during treatment.

He then explained what next:

People who have gone through treatment are susceptible to developing a second form of cancer within the first year. I am less likely because I did not go through radiation, but it is still possible. For this reason, he recommends leaving the port in for one year. If it bothers me, we can talk about taking it out sooner, but we need to wait at least three months. I have no issues leaving it in.

I need to make sure I give myself breast exams once a month and I need to start having mammograms once a year. Apparently, breast cancer is often the second type of cancer to appear. Again, it is most common after radiation.

I have to come in once a month for the first year for blood work and to get my port flushed out. I have to go back once every three months for a CT scan. He said we don't have to do the PET scan every time.

After the first year, we can take out the port. Then, for that next year, I will come back every three months for testing. After year two, if everything looks good, he will declare me cancer free. Then, I will only need to come back once a year for five years.

My immune system will still be weak and I will still need to take precautionary measures against getting sick like I have been. I will have to do this for the next year. He said I'll have ups and downs like I did while in chemo. Now, however, I will gradually get better and better. He said next month, I may be mad at him because I still feel bad, but I will probably feel better than I do today.

He wanted to send me to physical therapy to help build me back up physically. Not only am I physically weak from six months of chemo, but my lungs need to be built back up as well. He gave me the option of going through Belmont for this. Basically, it would be like someone who has never worked out a day in their lives starting a new workout program. I am going to talk with the fitness staff at Belmont to help me.

After he finished preparing me for what's to come, I asked him a list of questions. My two most important questions were when could I start teaching RAD again and when could I start taking Krav Maga again. I knew as long as I had the port, my participation in Krav would be limited because I cannot get punched in the chest. I was not expecting what he told me, though.

I can teach RAD as long as I don't participate in the demonstration portion. I should stay away from Krav Maga for now. I should pace myself and start with the physical therapy. It may take as long as a year. It may be sooner, but I cannot start back in January like I thought.

After meeting with Dr. Meluch, I went to get my port flushed. Before I did, though, I walked back to him with another question. He had not actually told me my prognosis. All I knew for sure from the conversation was that I didn't have to go through chemo anymore.

So, I asked, "What does all this mean? I know we don't say I'm cancer free yet, but what do I say?"

He looked at me and smiled and said, "You are in full remission. For all practical purposes, you are cancer free. I'll tell you again in two years!"

I was happy, no doubt about it, but surprisingly, I did not cry. As a matter of fact, I had no real emotion. As we talked, the pain in my neck, shoulders, and stomach went away. The anxiety went away. Obviously, that was stress I had been carrying for a while. But, I did not react the way I expected to react. I did not feel the way I assumed I would feel. I prepared myself for bad news, but now that I heard the greatest news, I felt nothing. I expected to hear angels sing or to life to somehow seem profoundly different. Instead, I felt light yet empty.

Before we even left the doctor's office, my phone went crazy with congratulatory texts. I was very appreciative of all the love and support, but I did not share their joy.

In the car, the song, Good to be Alive by Jason Gray was on the radio. He sings:

Live like there's no tomorrow

love like I'm on borrowed time

It's good to be alive

My dad brought my attention to the song and said how appropriate for what I had just been through. I did not know it at the time, but this song playing at this very moment made him cry. I suppose I was too busy driving and caught up in my own bewilderment to notice.

On the way home, I got a very disturbing phone call from a friend who experienced quite a scary domestic incident the night before and needed help. I called Mike and asked if we could use him and his truck to help this friend move out of the house. Being the true friend he is, he agreed without question.

I planned a celebration dinner with a few of my friends for 7pm. Because of this incident, I backed up the time to 7:30pm. However, as the time drew nearer, I was in no mood for a celebration.

Even with news that should have excited me, I was still feeling a bit agitated. I made myself more agitated because I was mad at myself for not being happy like I thought I should be. 

After we dropped my friend off at a relative's house, I REALLY did not want to go "celebrate," but more than that, I did not want to explain to anyone why I cancelled. I'm glad I went to dinner. By the time we actually got there, I was exhausted, but it was nice being surrounded by people who cared about me and thinking about other things for a while.

When I got home, before I went to bed, I had my prayer time. I could not vocalize my feelings, but I knew God understood my frustration. He reminded me once again of the devotional this morning and told me Satan's little minions were just using today's events to try to get to me. I had told my friend earlier in the day that God must be trying to tell him something. God told me He was trying to tell me something as well.

My life isn't going to miraculously change just because I have been declared cancer free. If I want to change, I am going to have to make a daily effort to change. I can’t keep repeating past mistakes and hope for a different future. Satan is always going to be around trying to sabotage God's work in my life. It's up to me whether to give in or not.

I had also been struggling with old emotions and past decisions. I struggled between wanting to go back and wanting to move on. God also used yesterday's events to give me an answer. The past is the past for a reason.

This morning, although the anger was gone, I still felt empty. I could not fully grasp it until I talked with my sister. She told me she and her family went to dinner last night to celebrate as well, She, like me, could not feel happy, She, being the eternal optimist, could not figure out what was wrong. During dinner, she saw a friend who has kept up with my blog. She shared her feelings with her friend. Her friend told her she could not be totally happy because she was guarded. I thought this was the perfect way to describe it.

Guarded.

It was in talking through it with my sister that I was able to figure out what was wrong with me, why I wasn't reacting the way I thought I should.

1) Even though I knew I would still have to go to the doctor once a month for the next year, I wrongly assumed that in a month's time, when the chemo was out of my system, I would be back to normal. I thought, come January 1st, I would be teaching RAD and going to Krav Maga again. Although it makes perfect sense, I did not anticipate the long recovery time.

2) My fight is not yet over. I am fine now, but what about in three months from now? Six months from now? I can still develop a second cancer and have to start all over. It's happened to a friend of mine.

3) I've been consumed by cancer for so long. I've been sick for years. Can it actually be over? I can't wrap my head around that fact. What will that be like?

4) Survivor's remorse. I lost a friend to cancer this year. My sister's friend lost a five year old son to cancer. I have friends who have to go through more treatments and radiation. I have a friend going through cancer for the second time and struggling. Why did God take them and spare me? Why am I the one to get good news? Why is my family celebrating while Michael's and Tynan’s families are facing their first Christmas without them?

I figure getting past this will be like getting through the divorce. My counselor told me the first year would be hard. During the second year, I would look back and remember what I was going through the year before. By year three, it will be old news. I'll feel whole again. This is year three, the third holiday since the divorce. The was right about how I would feel each year.

I can't decide if I am in the middle of or just starting year one as it relates to the cancer. Either way, I am thankful for today. If I remain cancer free, I hope I can do right by the second chance I am given.

Sign Ryan made for me!

Sign Tyler made for me!

Should have taken the pictures before the two small ones started deflating. Gift from Mickey and Shannon!

Santa Came Early

Today, in setting up his sermon, the pastor asked what would be the perfect. day. Before even knowing just how perfect it would be, I thought to myself, "the only thing that could make today more perfect would be if Jon Bon Jovi sat beside me during the Titans vs. Texans game.

After a fun filled and exhausting night touring the lights and decorations at the Opry Hotel with Dad, Mike, and Morgan, I woke up early as excited as a child on Christmas morning. I was excited about the game. During service and Sunday School, several people asked me how I felt then said the smile on my face said it all!

After a great worship service, we walked to the stadium which is just across the highway from the church! The Titans folks use our church lot for parking for the game. Since we were there for the service, we didn't have to pay to park!

I got more and more excited the closer we got. When we arrived at our seats, I was amazed by how close we were. I thought our seats would be one section higher, in the middle. We were so close! To make things even better, we were on the Texans side! I had no idea when I bought the tickets which side we would be on. To make things even better than that, the weather was awesome!!! To add to all that greatness, Phil Vassar, my favorite country artist, performed a song during a time out during the second half!

When we got to our seats, some of the Texans were out on the field warming up. They announced the rest of the Texans team and they came out onto the field. As I took it all in, a few tears escaped from my eyes. I remembered the day back in August when I purchased the tickets. It was a chemo week Friday. I still felt miserable. I was alone and in bed. My phone dinged, reminding me that tickets were going on sale that day. I lay there, wondering if I cared enough to get out of bed to purchase the tickets. I did. When I got to my computer and looked at seats, I came so close to purchasing the $20.00 cheap seats. Something came over me then. I knew it was time to stop being such a miser. I loved the Texans and I had always wanted to go to a game. Life was no longer promised to me and if I made it through all of the treatments, I knew this was going to be an amazing way to celebrate.

Watching football with my dad is one of my fondest memories of my childhood, especially the year Joe Montana came back after being injured and won the game with seconds to spare. Dad would sometimes root for the opposite team as me just to keep things fun. Who better to go to this game with then my dad. I did something I have never done before (except for a few Bon Jovi concerts). I spent money on something fun and not just on bills and necessities!

As I watched the Texans run onto the field, as I listened to the boos and cheers, as I marveled at the moment, I could not believe this day had finally arrived. Back in August, December 2nd seemed so far away. Attending this game seemed like a nice fantasy, but I could never actually picture myself being there. Yet, there I was, with my dad, about to see my two favorite teams face off.

As the Titans took the field, the crowd began cheering. I know it's silly and extremely egotistical sounding, but I felt like all those cheers were for me, as if everyone there knew this game was my celebration. What a moment!

I sat on the edge of my seat for most of the game, intent on not missing a single moment. It was so unbelievably exciting. I managed to get a few photos of JJ Watt, my favorite player. Titans fans started leaving after half time. Surprising. Even though the Texans were killing them, anything could happen in an entire half. By the fourth quarter, most of the fans left were Texans fans. I was able to get a little closer to the field for a few more photo ops!

By the time we got back to the car, the adrenaline had worn off and I became exhausted. I am still so very tired. The whole day reminds me of Christmas as a child: excitement getting me out of bed, eager to see what Santa left under the tree, fun playing with my new toys all day, pure exhaustion Christmas night.

Sure wish I could afford season tickets. A few tickets to next season's Titans vs. Texans game will have to do! Gotta do this again! Truly was a perfect day!

View from our seats.

Titans taking the field...crowd cheering for me :-)



Ready to play!



#99

Me and Dad!

Great shot right after a Titans fumble. JJ Watt in the middle. Texans fan cheering.

#99

#99

Texans win!

Game is over!