Just got off the phone with my nurse. She talked with my doctor and he thinks my stomach problems are caused by gastritis. They are giving me medication for it and we will reevaluate things when I go in on Monday.
I just picked up a prescription strength suppository yesterday. I need to give it a little bit of time to work before getting too concerned with my bowel movement pains.
The joint pain, swelling, and darkening of the skin in my hands is most likely caused from the anemia. Nothing to be too worried about right now. If I start feeling too fatigued, I can go in and get blood work done. Otherwise, we'll do lab work when I go in on Monday and will most likely start on a new shot regimen next Tuesday to help replenish the red blood cells.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
God's Blessings Overflow
I get home from work today and there is a card from my mom waiting for me on the kitchen counter. I love getting cards, especially during chemo weeks!
In the card, my mom tells a story of a man from church who asked my step dad about me. My step dad tells him how I am doing and that I only have two treatments left. The man reaches into his wallet and tells them to let me know that he is praying for me and that he wanted me to have that - a fifty dollar bill! I never met the man and have no idea who he is, but he loves me simply because he loves them and they love me!!! Made me cry!!! That is a common cancer-time phrase "made me cry!" I felt the love of Christ extending to me through this man's gesture. How awesome is that? Had to share!
By the way, I promise to call the doctor tomorrow and tell him about my tummy and booty troubles--just in case!!! I already received some concerned calls/texts!!!
In the card, my mom tells a story of a man from church who asked my step dad about me. My step dad tells him how I am doing and that I only have two treatments left. The man reaches into his wallet and tells them to let me know that he is praying for me and that he wanted me to have that - a fifty dollar bill! I never met the man and have no idea who he is, but he loves me simply because he loves them and they love me!!! Made me cry!!! That is a common cancer-time phrase "made me cry!" I felt the love of Christ extending to me through this man's gesture. How awesome is that? Had to share!
By the way, I promise to call the doctor tomorrow and tell him about my tummy and booty troubles--just in case!!! I already received some concerned calls/texts!!!
New Chemo Pains and Remembering God's Grace
Every chemo session is different. Unfortunately, is not getting any easier. Fortunately, I only have two sessions left. Hopefully, my body will hold up for just a while longer.
This last session wasn't as bad as the few prior sessions. I never really got bad chemo brain or nausea. I never spent an entire day in bed. However, I would not say it necessarily got easier. The bone pain intensified this round after the shot. It hit about Friday and made me miserable for a few days. The bad thing is, when the pain is in the bones, there is nothing I can do to alleviate it. No medicine, hot baths, rubs, ointments, or pills help. Sleeping is fitful.
I developed a new type of stomach ache. The best way I know how to describe it is if I had an internal sunburn. A friend from church invited me and Dad to lunch after Sunday School. I declined because we had plans to have dinner with a family friend. On the way home, though, my stomach started getting really irritated. When we got home from church, I had to use the restroom for the second time that day. The pain brought tears to my eyes. Even after I was done, I could not move for several minutes. I cancelled our dinner plans and went to bed.
I really don't think I have hemorrhoids. I've had them before and this pain is different. Again, it's like a sunburn. Or more accurately, it's as if the lining in my stomach and intestines are burned and thinned, highly sensitive.
After the Cowboys game, I was still feeling bad, but wanted to get something to eat. I decided on a Mexican restaurant that has pretty bland food. Even so, I could not finish my meal. I was getting an upset stomach again and was really afraid I'd have to go to the restroom for a third time. Luckily, I did not.
Last night, I was up late dealing with a vehicle accident involving a pedestrian. After that, the joint pain kept me from being able to fall asleep until well after midnight.
When I woke up, I kept coughing and choking and dry heaving. It was miserable. I wanted to simply crawl back in bed and go to sleep. But, I had a training to attend this morning and the only thing I wanted more than to escape the pain by sleeping was to get out of the house and do something normal. I did not want to waste a non-chemo week by staying home in bed.
It has been rough getting through the day, but I made it! And, I'm glad I did. Had I stayed home, I am sure depression would have set in. At least at work, I can be around people and do something other than wallow in my sickness.
I feel like the chemo drugs are finally starting to kill the good stuff as well as the bad. It's all a new kind of pain. I am told this is all perfectly normal and I keep hanging on to the words of the nurse practitioner who told me the last time that if there was something to worry about, they'd tell me. I am simply hoping and praying my body hangs in there for just a few more weeks!
So far, I have gained an average of one pound every two weeks. I am now at 150, the most I have weighed in my life. I'm not worried about it, though, and neither are the doctors. I am afraid, however, that if my stomach does not get to feeling better, I'll be losing weight at a quicker rate!
On another note, the past few days, I have felt like my life was slowly spinning out of control. I had this great idea for a fundraising event and put those ideas out there for others to know about and help me realize. Then, Satan attacked. "I'm an ideas person," I would think. "I'm good at ideas, but I can't follow through. Who am I to think I can do this? What have I done? I can't do this!!!" I would have similar thoughts about other things.
I knew it was Satan trying to discourage me. I even felt God calling me back to Him. For the past few days, He told me to turn off the television and spend time with Him. I would say, "After this show," but then I would start watching something else and then get too tired and go to bed. I kept putting Him off and I knew this was wrong.
At church during prayer time, I told Him that I felt like I was spinning out of control. He said, "I know, that's why I called you to Me. Had you come to Me and given Me your burdens, you would not be feeling this way."
During the sermon, Pastor Ulmet spoke of miracles - great and small. When he spoke of the king who did not deserve God's miracle, I at first mistook what he was getting at. I thought, "That's me. I don't deserve God's miracle." Again, like I always do, I thought I needed to earn God's grace.
Then, I got the point. That king did not deserve it, but he still reaped the benefits of the miracle. I listened intently to the rest of the sermon and fought back tears. Then, I remembered what Michael's memorial taught me about being in the moment and I let myself be present and to fully listen and to respond naturally. There were moments when I thought the pastor was looking directly at me, as if he wanted to make sure I, personally, got his point!
I may not deserve God's grace, but He freely gives it anyway. I may not have obeyed His requests for my attention, but He forgives. How awesome is He?
After the service, I ran into the pastor. I did not seek him out, but when our eyes met, he reached his hand out through the crowd he was talking with. This action in and of itself meant a lot to me. The preacher is probably the most popular person after church. Everyone wants to stop and talk with him, but he took the time to seek me out and ask how I was doing.
I suppose he noticed the tears in my eyes. I simply told him I needed to hear that sermon and he took the time to pray with me right then and there. That, too, meant a lot to me. He could have said he would keep me in his prayers, but to actually take a moment to pray right then when others are vying for his attention meant so much. He truly lives out his sermons!!!
Only two more chemo sessions...only two more chemo sessions....please pray my body can endure it and that it will recover quickly after chemo is all over! Please pray for my spiritual health as well...that I will listen when He calls!!!
This last session wasn't as bad as the few prior sessions. I never really got bad chemo brain or nausea. I never spent an entire day in bed. However, I would not say it necessarily got easier. The bone pain intensified this round after the shot. It hit about Friday and made me miserable for a few days. The bad thing is, when the pain is in the bones, there is nothing I can do to alleviate it. No medicine, hot baths, rubs, ointments, or pills help. Sleeping is fitful.
I developed a new type of stomach ache. The best way I know how to describe it is if I had an internal sunburn. A friend from church invited me and Dad to lunch after Sunday School. I declined because we had plans to have dinner with a family friend. On the way home, though, my stomach started getting really irritated. When we got home from church, I had to use the restroom for the second time that day. The pain brought tears to my eyes. Even after I was done, I could not move for several minutes. I cancelled our dinner plans and went to bed.
I really don't think I have hemorrhoids. I've had them before and this pain is different. Again, it's like a sunburn. Or more accurately, it's as if the lining in my stomach and intestines are burned and thinned, highly sensitive.
After the Cowboys game, I was still feeling bad, but wanted to get something to eat. I decided on a Mexican restaurant that has pretty bland food. Even so, I could not finish my meal. I was getting an upset stomach again and was really afraid I'd have to go to the restroom for a third time. Luckily, I did not.
Last night, I was up late dealing with a vehicle accident involving a pedestrian. After that, the joint pain kept me from being able to fall asleep until well after midnight.
When I woke up, I kept coughing and choking and dry heaving. It was miserable. I wanted to simply crawl back in bed and go to sleep. But, I had a training to attend this morning and the only thing I wanted more than to escape the pain by sleeping was to get out of the house and do something normal. I did not want to waste a non-chemo week by staying home in bed.
It has been rough getting through the day, but I made it! And, I'm glad I did. Had I stayed home, I am sure depression would have set in. At least at work, I can be around people and do something other than wallow in my sickness.
I feel like the chemo drugs are finally starting to kill the good stuff as well as the bad. It's all a new kind of pain. I am told this is all perfectly normal and I keep hanging on to the words of the nurse practitioner who told me the last time that if there was something to worry about, they'd tell me. I am simply hoping and praying my body hangs in there for just a few more weeks!
So far, I have gained an average of one pound every two weeks. I am now at 150, the most I have weighed in my life. I'm not worried about it, though, and neither are the doctors. I am afraid, however, that if my stomach does not get to feeling better, I'll be losing weight at a quicker rate!
On another note, the past few days, I have felt like my life was slowly spinning out of control. I had this great idea for a fundraising event and put those ideas out there for others to know about and help me realize. Then, Satan attacked. "I'm an ideas person," I would think. "I'm good at ideas, but I can't follow through. Who am I to think I can do this? What have I done? I can't do this!!!" I would have similar thoughts about other things.
I knew it was Satan trying to discourage me. I even felt God calling me back to Him. For the past few days, He told me to turn off the television and spend time with Him. I would say, "After this show," but then I would start watching something else and then get too tired and go to bed. I kept putting Him off and I knew this was wrong.
At church during prayer time, I told Him that I felt like I was spinning out of control. He said, "I know, that's why I called you to Me. Had you come to Me and given Me your burdens, you would not be feeling this way."
During the sermon, Pastor Ulmet spoke of miracles - great and small. When he spoke of the king who did not deserve God's miracle, I at first mistook what he was getting at. I thought, "That's me. I don't deserve God's miracle." Again, like I always do, I thought I needed to earn God's grace.
Then, I got the point. That king did not deserve it, but he still reaped the benefits of the miracle. I listened intently to the rest of the sermon and fought back tears. Then, I remembered what Michael's memorial taught me about being in the moment and I let myself be present and to fully listen and to respond naturally. There were moments when I thought the pastor was looking directly at me, as if he wanted to make sure I, personally, got his point!
I may not deserve God's grace, but He freely gives it anyway. I may not have obeyed His requests for my attention, but He forgives. How awesome is He?
After the service, I ran into the pastor. I did not seek him out, but when our eyes met, he reached his hand out through the crowd he was talking with. This action in and of itself meant a lot to me. The preacher is probably the most popular person after church. Everyone wants to stop and talk with him, but he took the time to seek me out and ask how I was doing.
I suppose he noticed the tears in my eyes. I simply told him I needed to hear that sermon and he took the time to pray with me right then and there. That, too, meant a lot to me. He could have said he would keep me in his prayers, but to actually take a moment to pray right then when others are vying for his attention meant so much. He truly lives out his sermons!!!
Only two more chemo sessions...only two more chemo sessions....please pray my body can endure it and that it will recover quickly after chemo is all over! Please pray for my spiritual health as well...that I will listen when He calls!!!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Delayed Reaction
It hit about 3pm yesterday. Before then, I felt a bit sluggish, but nothing like what I normally feel the Wednesday of chemo week. Brad came over to visit me. Very sweet considering it was his birthday. I took a short nap while he watched television and he left after dinner. Although I did not fall back to sleep for a while, I went back to bed after dinner.
This morning I woke up and could immediately tell that things had gotten worse. Granted, I am still not as bad off as I have been during chemo weeks, but it is still a step backwards. I can tell my brain and my body have slowed. I'm not quite me today. I stayed in bed longer than normal and have not been able to enjoy the great brain activity that allowed me to read and work on the computer for so long yesterday. I do count myself blessed that I have been able to focus on movies and have not been reduced to mindlessly staring at the television screen. I am even able to be on the computer right now, even though my thought processes are slowed.
Still no nausea. That, too, is a blessing. Hopefully, I will still bounce back quicker than past sessions. I am still doing mentally well. The end is in sight, which makes all the rest bearable!
This morning I woke up and could immediately tell that things had gotten worse. Granted, I am still not as bad off as I have been during chemo weeks, but it is still a step backwards. I can tell my brain and my body have slowed. I'm not quite me today. I stayed in bed longer than normal and have not been able to enjoy the great brain activity that allowed me to read and work on the computer for so long yesterday. I do count myself blessed that I have been able to focus on movies and have not been reduced to mindlessly staring at the television screen. I am even able to be on the computer right now, even though my thought processes are slowed.
Still no nausea. That, too, is a blessing. Hopefully, I will still bounce back quicker than past sessions. I am still doing mentally well. The end is in sight, which makes all the rest bearable!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Staying Busy While I Can
After a nausea free day yesterday, I was sick to my stomach last night and had acid reflux. Suppose that's what I get for taking anti nausea pills when I did not need them. Oh well! I feel better today and have stayed very busy.
(Terry, my doctor has told me to lay off the caffeine because of the hemorrhoids. I do okay not drinking caffeine during chemo weeks, but it sure is difficult during non-chemo weeks. Love my coca-cola! I'm working on it, though! Love that my candidness makes several of you laugh or feel special in some way. I do it so you all can truly know what I am going through and know how to best pray for me and to help others who may be reading this or read it in the future know some things to expect during their walk with cancer. It's most important to be this candid with your doctor!!!)
I still have trouble breathing, but it's not as bad as yesterday. No matter what I did yesterday, even at rest, it was hard to catch my breath. Today, I only get winded when I move around. At rest, I am fine!
Dad and I have been upstairs most of the morning working on our laptops. I got some work done then got down to the real business at hand. I have had this idea lingering inside me for some time. I had to let it out and see what can become of it!
Ever since I got cancer, I knew I wanted to help others with cancer. I saw this as my ministry, but I did not know what I could do.
October is breast cancer awareness month and to be quite honest, I have grown sick of the pink. Yes, I understand the extreme value of drawing attention to this disease and garnering support, but what about all the other cancers? What about men? What about children?
Between being over ta-ta'ed and Michael's death, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help ease the financial burden of cancer victims and their families. I have been greatly blessed. I am able to work every other week and am able to work from home during chemo weeks. I have amazing health insurance and amazing family and friends to help out. Most cancer patients are not so lucky. I heard a story on the news just last night about a cancer victim losing his home because of the financial burden. That should never happen!
I wanted to set up my own nonprofit to help, but it takes an act of congress to get that done (and rightly so). That is a good goal for the future, but it won't help me now. I want to do something now and I need someone to help. I thought immediately of Belmont. I would like to start there by helping current members of the Belmont community who have cancer or have a loved one facing cancer. This may not be possible for several reasons, the biggest being confidentiality issues. If I can't get this going, I still hope to do a fundraiser for cancer research. If Belmont cannot help, I may hit up my church!
I want to do a 5K followed by a concert featuring Belmont alumni. I have no idea where to even begin, but I do know people who have done things like this before or who may be able to help me organize this. So, I started emailing friends. I sent emails to people at Belmont to see if this is possible and if I can get the Belmont support. It would be called the Belmont All-Cancer Campaign. I contacted a friend in the music business to see, if approved, if he could help me try to get some Belmont alumni to donate their time for the concert. I even contacted a friend and co-worker with her own t-shirt printing company to see, if approved, if she could help me with the t-shirts. This is quite a lofty plan for a novice, but keep it all in prayer. If it's God's will, it will happen...hopefully this spring. If it all goes well, maybe we can make it an annual event! Belmont, the artists, and the cause would all get great publicity out of it. It's a win-win-win-win situation. (The fourth win is for me!)
I also asked my t-shirt making friend to help me make t-shirts for me to sell to help with my medical expenses. They will be lime green (for lymphoma) and say "Renee's Brigade." It will have a little soldier on it and say something else in smaller print like "Banding together to fight lymphoma" or "Fighting together against lymphoma" or "Fight against lymphoma." Any ideas?
Just love that my creative juices are flowing. Haven't felt like this in such a long time. It's also nice to feel like I have a cause again - a God calling!!! Gotta enjoy it just in case the chemo kicks in like usual tomorrow and the rest of the week!
(Terry, my doctor has told me to lay off the caffeine because of the hemorrhoids. I do okay not drinking caffeine during chemo weeks, but it sure is difficult during non-chemo weeks. Love my coca-cola! I'm working on it, though! Love that my candidness makes several of you laugh or feel special in some way. I do it so you all can truly know what I am going through and know how to best pray for me and to help others who may be reading this or read it in the future know some things to expect during their walk with cancer. It's most important to be this candid with your doctor!!!)
I still have trouble breathing, but it's not as bad as yesterday. No matter what I did yesterday, even at rest, it was hard to catch my breath. Today, I only get winded when I move around. At rest, I am fine!
Dad and I have been upstairs most of the morning working on our laptops. I got some work done then got down to the real business at hand. I have had this idea lingering inside me for some time. I had to let it out and see what can become of it!
Ever since I got cancer, I knew I wanted to help others with cancer. I saw this as my ministry, but I did not know what I could do.
October is breast cancer awareness month and to be quite honest, I have grown sick of the pink. Yes, I understand the extreme value of drawing attention to this disease and garnering support, but what about all the other cancers? What about men? What about children?
Between being over ta-ta'ed and Michael's death, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help ease the financial burden of cancer victims and their families. I have been greatly blessed. I am able to work every other week and am able to work from home during chemo weeks. I have amazing health insurance and amazing family and friends to help out. Most cancer patients are not so lucky. I heard a story on the news just last night about a cancer victim losing his home because of the financial burden. That should never happen!
I wanted to set up my own nonprofit to help, but it takes an act of congress to get that done (and rightly so). That is a good goal for the future, but it won't help me now. I want to do something now and I need someone to help. I thought immediately of Belmont. I would like to start there by helping current members of the Belmont community who have cancer or have a loved one facing cancer. This may not be possible for several reasons, the biggest being confidentiality issues. If I can't get this going, I still hope to do a fundraiser for cancer research. If Belmont cannot help, I may hit up my church!
I want to do a 5K followed by a concert featuring Belmont alumni. I have no idea where to even begin, but I do know people who have done things like this before or who may be able to help me organize this. So, I started emailing friends. I sent emails to people at Belmont to see if this is possible and if I can get the Belmont support. It would be called the Belmont All-Cancer Campaign. I contacted a friend in the music business to see, if approved, if he could help me try to get some Belmont alumni to donate their time for the concert. I even contacted a friend and co-worker with her own t-shirt printing company to see, if approved, if she could help me with the t-shirts. This is quite a lofty plan for a novice, but keep it all in prayer. If it's God's will, it will happen...hopefully this spring. If it all goes well, maybe we can make it an annual event! Belmont, the artists, and the cause would all get great publicity out of it. It's a win-win-win-win situation. (The fourth win is for me!)
I also asked my t-shirt making friend to help me make t-shirts for me to sell to help with my medical expenses. They will be lime green (for lymphoma) and say "Renee's Brigade." It will have a little soldier on it and say something else in smaller print like "Banding together to fight lymphoma" or "Fighting together against lymphoma" or "Fight against lymphoma." Any ideas?
Just love that my creative juices are flowing. Haven't felt like this in such a long time. It's also nice to feel like I have a cause again - a God calling!!! Gotta enjoy it just in case the chemo kicks in like usual tomorrow and the rest of the week!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Session Ten Update
I am extremely fatigued and am having difficulty breathing, but the good news is that I have not felt nauseated at all today, not even during chemo and after the red drug that always makes me sick. I even forgot to bring my anti nausea pill that I usually take before going home just in case. The smell of saline did not even bother me so much today. The only time it bothered me was walking down the hall to meet with the doctor. I passed by the chemo room and got a whiff of the saline. It made me sick to my stomach for a very brief time. The rest of the day, it was more of an annoyance, but did not make me sick!!! Thank you all for your prayers today!!!
The doctor visit went well. I met with the nurse practitioner, but she was very friendly and answered all our questions. Dad was with me and had a whole lot of technical questions. What answers she could not give, she asked the doctor. Dr. Meluch came to see me while I received treatment to fill me in on my pulmonary function test results.
So, here's the latest. I am becoming anemic again. This is very normal for this stage in the chemo treatment. This explains why I took a good long nap yesterday and why I haven't been feeling manic this past week like I have been feeling most non-chemo weeks. It also explains the swelling in my hands and some of the shortness of breath. My body is trying to compensate for the lack of oxygen being made.
My count is 10.8. Unfortunately, they cannot start treating me for anemia until my level gets under 10, which it most likely will after this treatment. Insurance won't pay for the treatments until my count gets below 10. Red blood cells die off a lot slower than white blood cells so I won't start receiving treatment until my next round of chemo. However, they told me to call if I am more tired than normal next week. Treatment for replenishing my red blood cells is as simple as getting a shot like I do for the white blood cells. I will not need a blood transfusion.
My pulmonary lung function test looks good. I did better than before on one part and a little worse than before on another part. It all still looks really good and my lungs are healthy. They did not see what they would expect to see if chemo was having an adverse effect on my lungs. However, because I am still having trouble with my breathing and have periods where I have trouble catching my breath, and since everything else seems to be going so well, he elected to stop giving me one of the chemo drugs that is responsible for the adverse effects on the breathing and lungs. Sorry, I don't remember the name of the drug, but it was the last drip I usually get. Unfortunately, I still have to get the extremely potent red drug that is responsible for the hair loss and nausea. (On a funny side note, I have one solitary eye lash left on my left eye! Mike called it my Charlie Brown hair! Since my hair is so thick and dark, it really sticks out! My eye brows are really getting thin, too!)
I asked what was next after my last session. The nurse practitioner said that my doctor likes to wait until after chemo is over to discuss this since it is different for everyone, but she still gave me her probable guesstimate based on my condition. I will most likely come in once a month to meet with the doctor and to have my port flushed. The port will most likely remain in until after my one year cancer-free anniversary. He will probably test me every three months to make sure the cancer has not returned. The chances are slim that it will return or that I will develop a second form of cancer. However, I will probably have to start getting yearly mamograms. I'm not sure how long I will have to continue meeting him every month. I assume as long as I have the port.
I came home and crashed until dinner time. Like I said, no nausea which is awesome!!! Being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel has certainly helped. I still have my peace. I still haven't taken an anti nausea pill. I will before bedtime, though, just to be safe. No chemo brain yet. My brain is functioning quite a bit slower than normal, but I'm not as foggy yet.The doctor also gave me a prescription to help with the hemorrhoid pain. Mike is going to get the prescription for me tomorrow. Hopefully, the breathing will quickly improve since I didn't have to have that chemo drip. God willing, I'll bounce back quicker and be able to enjoy the weekend!
The doctor visit went well. I met with the nurse practitioner, but she was very friendly and answered all our questions. Dad was with me and had a whole lot of technical questions. What answers she could not give, she asked the doctor. Dr. Meluch came to see me while I received treatment to fill me in on my pulmonary function test results.
So, here's the latest. I am becoming anemic again. This is very normal for this stage in the chemo treatment. This explains why I took a good long nap yesterday and why I haven't been feeling manic this past week like I have been feeling most non-chemo weeks. It also explains the swelling in my hands and some of the shortness of breath. My body is trying to compensate for the lack of oxygen being made.
My count is 10.8. Unfortunately, they cannot start treating me for anemia until my level gets under 10, which it most likely will after this treatment. Insurance won't pay for the treatments until my count gets below 10. Red blood cells die off a lot slower than white blood cells so I won't start receiving treatment until my next round of chemo. However, they told me to call if I am more tired than normal next week. Treatment for replenishing my red blood cells is as simple as getting a shot like I do for the white blood cells. I will not need a blood transfusion.
My pulmonary lung function test looks good. I did better than before on one part and a little worse than before on another part. It all still looks really good and my lungs are healthy. They did not see what they would expect to see if chemo was having an adverse effect on my lungs. However, because I am still having trouble with my breathing and have periods where I have trouble catching my breath, and since everything else seems to be going so well, he elected to stop giving me one of the chemo drugs that is responsible for the adverse effects on the breathing and lungs. Sorry, I don't remember the name of the drug, but it was the last drip I usually get. Unfortunately, I still have to get the extremely potent red drug that is responsible for the hair loss and nausea. (On a funny side note, I have one solitary eye lash left on my left eye! Mike called it my Charlie Brown hair! Since my hair is so thick and dark, it really sticks out! My eye brows are really getting thin, too!)
I asked what was next after my last session. The nurse practitioner said that my doctor likes to wait until after chemo is over to discuss this since it is different for everyone, but she still gave me her probable guesstimate based on my condition. I will most likely come in once a month to meet with the doctor and to have my port flushed. The port will most likely remain in until after my one year cancer-free anniversary. He will probably test me every three months to make sure the cancer has not returned. The chances are slim that it will return or that I will develop a second form of cancer. However, I will probably have to start getting yearly mamograms. I'm not sure how long I will have to continue meeting him every month. I assume as long as I have the port.
I came home and crashed until dinner time. Like I said, no nausea which is awesome!!! Being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel has certainly helped. I still have my peace. I still haven't taken an anti nausea pill. I will before bedtime, though, just to be safe. No chemo brain yet. My brain is functioning quite a bit slower than normal, but I'm not as foggy yet.The doctor also gave me a prescription to help with the hemorrhoid pain. Mike is going to get the prescription for me tomorrow. Hopefully, the breathing will quickly improve since I didn't have to have that chemo drip. God willing, I'll bounce back quicker and be able to enjoy the weekend!
Session Ten
Today I will be going in for session number ten. I know a lot of you may be wondering how I am doing after that last post.
I have felt a sense of peace since Michael's memorial that I haven't felt since I first got sick. That whole emotional release helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Still, I felt the same old feelings of dread start to creep up on me last night and this morning. It's not as bad as in past weeks.
This morning, I came to work for a bit since my appointment isn't until 10:45am. Helps me not to think about what's about to happen. All the talk about the upcoming holidays helps as well. Church is discussing our annual Thanksgiving day breakfast. People at work are starting to make their holiday plans. Stores are already decorating for Christmas and the holiday commercials are already starting to come out! It's not even Halloween yet!
All of it gets me excited. If all goes as planned, I will be cancer free during the holidays...and the holidays...they are quickly approaching.
Well, today I get the results of my pulmonary lung function test. I think it will come out okay. I hope and pray I can hold on to the peace I have found (or that has found me) and that consequently, this week will go by better than the past few sessions.
If I can be quite candid for a moment, I have a few prayer requests. First, please pray that I can hold on to the peace God gave me through Michael and also pray for some physical healing. The chemo has left me with hemorrhoids that will not go away. At least the doctor thinks it's hemorrhoids. All I know is that the medications are not helping and it hurts like the dickens to have a bowel movement. Makes me bleed most days.
It is also still hard to breathe. I think my lungs are okay, but when I take a deep breath, it feels like the back of my throat burns a tad and it feels like air is escaping. It kind of feels like how I feel if I ran as fast as I could as far as I could for as long as I could. The doctor said this was a side effect of the chemo, but it really stinks. Hard to even yawn!
Anyway, it's time to wrap things up and head to the doctor's office. Only two more sessions after today!
I have felt a sense of peace since Michael's memorial that I haven't felt since I first got sick. That whole emotional release helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Still, I felt the same old feelings of dread start to creep up on me last night and this morning. It's not as bad as in past weeks.
This morning, I came to work for a bit since my appointment isn't until 10:45am. Helps me not to think about what's about to happen. All the talk about the upcoming holidays helps as well. Church is discussing our annual Thanksgiving day breakfast. People at work are starting to make their holiday plans. Stores are already decorating for Christmas and the holiday commercials are already starting to come out! It's not even Halloween yet!
All of it gets me excited. If all goes as planned, I will be cancer free during the holidays...and the holidays...they are quickly approaching.
Well, today I get the results of my pulmonary lung function test. I think it will come out okay. I hope and pray I can hold on to the peace I have found (or that has found me) and that consequently, this week will go by better than the past few sessions.
If I can be quite candid for a moment, I have a few prayer requests. First, please pray that I can hold on to the peace God gave me through Michael and also pray for some physical healing. The chemo has left me with hemorrhoids that will not go away. At least the doctor thinks it's hemorrhoids. All I know is that the medications are not helping and it hurts like the dickens to have a bowel movement. Makes me bleed most days.
It is also still hard to breathe. I think my lungs are okay, but when I take a deep breath, it feels like the back of my throat burns a tad and it feels like air is escaping. It kind of feels like how I feel if I ran as fast as I could as far as I could for as long as I could. The doctor said this was a side effect of the chemo, but it really stinks. Hard to even yawn!
Anyway, it's time to wrap things up and head to the doctor's office. Only two more sessions after today!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Michael's Memorial
Today was my fellow Belmontian's memorial at Belmont. Mike, Terry, and I attended. I expected to be moved, but I did not expect to be overcome with emotion since Michael was not a close friend. I have not been filled with this much and this kind of emotion since my grandfather died in 2006.
The old me would shut off whenever I felt like I was about to get too emotional and cry. I would start tuning out whatever was making me sad and stare off into a corner. This was especially true if I was somehow on display - for instance - while in uniform. Today, though, I allowed myself to be fully present. That meant looking at the photos and videos of Michael and listening to the six friends and family members who got up to share their memories about Michael. I learned so much about him. As each person spoke, I thought, "What an awesome guy! We have so much in common. We could have been great friends!" He loved the outdoors. He loved his art. He loved Belmont.
From time to time, I glanced at Mike and saw him wipe a tear or two from his eyes as well. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was. I asked him later and he said he was. I put myself in Michael's place. I imagined the memorial was for me.
Michael died of leukemia - cancer - a blood cancer. I am living with cancer - Hodgkin's - lymphoma - a blood cancer. As they told stories about Michael concerning the cancer, I related. That could be me up there. Suddenly, the memorial became personal and I was overcome with a devastating sense of guilt, shame, and a sharp stab of stark reality.
Michael was a fighter until the very end. He never gave up and tried everything to preserve his life. He kept up his spirit and was a rock and friend to others through the end. He never gave in to cancer until last Thursday when the doctors told them there was no more they could do and that he had two days to two weeks left to live. He gathered his loved ones around him to enjoy fond memories and say goodbye. Two days later, he went home.
Michael went a very long time without having a good day yet he never complained. Here I am enjoying a good week in between every bad week and I complain often. I have become bitter and angry and resentful. Michael was given no hope yet he never gave up hope. I have all the hope there can be for a cancer patient, yet I was acting like a hopeless victim.
Shame on me! I decided I owed it to Michael's memory to finish well since he could not. I owed it to Michael not to let cancer beat me.
I have always been able to feel other's pain. I think that's what makes me such a good writer. I may not (until recently) allow myself to feel or express emotion well, but I can sense it and feel it for and from others. I felt their loss as if it were my own. I heard their deep sobs stemming from the very depths of their souls. You know that sound, that grieving moan coming from somewhere deep inside, the unbearable pain pressing down on the one left behind.
When I found myself staring at a light fixture, I made myself tune back into the moment and gave myself permission to cry, even in public, even in uniform. I made myself hear their sobs. My heart broke and I felt ashamed.
I may not have children, but that does not mean I am not needed or loved. I imagined Mike trying to stand in front of the crowd and share memories of me, possibly that time we were going to teach a RAD class at a church and how he got me laughing so hard I fell out of my seat belt onto the floor of his truck. I don't think he could have done it. If he could, he would probably have to pause like Michael's friend who openly wept in front of us all.
I imagined my mom, dad, and sister sitting in the front row. Michael's mother's sobs, those low moans, became the grief of my own mother. Could my sister get up there and talk about me the way Michael's sister did?
What about all the others? Brad? My in-laws? We may not legally be family anymore, but we all still love each other. What about those I know and who know me at Belmont and at church? Would I be able to fill the theater the way Michael did?
The sounds and faces of those grieving became sounds and faces of people I knew and loved. Stories told became stories told about me. I imagined Bon Jovi songs played. I wondered what pictures they would use for me since I, like Michacel, am usually the one behind the camera and not in front of it.
It became my memorial.
Two things happened. One, it got me to the final stage of grief. I think I have been through all the stages, some more than once. Even though I have talked about death many, many times, I don't think I ever got to acceptance, true, genuine acceptance until today. Looking at those photos, listening to loved ones share memories, I realized how easily it could have been me. Yes, Hodgkin's is highly curable, but it is still a deadly disease. They still give me poison to fight this disease. There is still a 40% chance treatment won't work. If chemo fails and a bone marrow transplant fails, it will be me. Things look more than promising, but the seriousness of this disease still exist. Realizing my own mortality is what led me to start internalizing the memorial.
Two, I felt ashamed. I have gone on and on about how I wish God would take me home. Since I don't have any kids, it wouldn't really matter. People could get on just fine without me. There is nothing I do at work that others could not do. There is nothing I contribute in general that makes that huge a deal.
Personalizing Michael's memorial made me realize how unbelievably wrong and selfish I have been. It's not about what I do. It's about who I am. I am a sister, daughter, niece, aunt, granddaughter, coworker, and friend. How selfish of me to think I didn't really matter and no one would really miss me. How selfish to want to go home and not think or care how my death would hurt others.
I am so sorry, everyone. I weep even now as I type. Please forgive me. I will choose life for Michael and for you. I will beat this and be glad with the second chance God gave me.
We had to leave the memorial early because of a drug violation in progress. As we walked down a busy sidewalk, with cars driving by and people walking by, Mike asked me if I was okay. The old me would have said, "yep!" and just walked on without making eye contact. Instead, I gave in to honesty. I shook my head no and started weeping - in uniform on a busy street for all to see! Once I started, I could not control myself. I shared with Mike these thoughts.
After lunch, we were supposed to go to the gun range. Me and another officer missed our bi-annual re-qualification back in July so we were going to make it up. I told Mike that I no longer felt like going, but also thought it would be good for me! We went and it was nice getting my mind off of the day's events for a bit.
Back at work, I had an interview scheduled. A student wanted to interview me for a class project. He was interviewing several officers about the dynamics that make up our department. He was interested in me because of the article that recently came out.
When he asked me about the cancer, I gave him a brief synopsis, but intentionally made it more upbeat than I would have made it sound had we met before the memorial. I told the student about the memorial and about Michael. "I'm lucky," I said, "Hodgkin's is one of the most curable cancers." My whole attitude about my burden has changed in an instant!
The student also asked if I intended to make a career out of my job at Belmont. I laughed and thought of Michael and what he thought of Belmont - it's a family - my thoughts and words as well.
I told him that I am a Texan "and you know how prideful Texans are!" I said that when I first got diagnosed with cancer, all I could think about was going home once I got over it. A big part of me wants nothing more than to be in Texas with my family. I told him what was said about Michael and how he loved Belmont. I told him how, while at the memorial, I thought about how much I love Belmont and the people here. "Like we talked about earlier, Belmont truly is a family. I want to go home to my family, but then I think, 'how can I leave my family at Belmont?' I always said heaven on earth would be if Belmont were in Texas! As a matter of fact, there is a town called Belmont in Texas!" I stopped and paused. My tone changed from jovial to serious. "I don't know. I just don't know."
Get to know Michael Krouskop:
Photos Michael took for me for security publications:
The old me would shut off whenever I felt like I was about to get too emotional and cry. I would start tuning out whatever was making me sad and stare off into a corner. This was especially true if I was somehow on display - for instance - while in uniform. Today, though, I allowed myself to be fully present. That meant looking at the photos and videos of Michael and listening to the six friends and family members who got up to share their memories about Michael. I learned so much about him. As each person spoke, I thought, "What an awesome guy! We have so much in common. We could have been great friends!" He loved the outdoors. He loved his art. He loved Belmont.
From time to time, I glanced at Mike and saw him wipe a tear or two from his eyes as well. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I was. I asked him later and he said he was. I put myself in Michael's place. I imagined the memorial was for me.
Michael died of leukemia - cancer - a blood cancer. I am living with cancer - Hodgkin's - lymphoma - a blood cancer. As they told stories about Michael concerning the cancer, I related. That could be me up there. Suddenly, the memorial became personal and I was overcome with a devastating sense of guilt, shame, and a sharp stab of stark reality.
Michael was a fighter until the very end. He never gave up and tried everything to preserve his life. He kept up his spirit and was a rock and friend to others through the end. He never gave in to cancer until last Thursday when the doctors told them there was no more they could do and that he had two days to two weeks left to live. He gathered his loved ones around him to enjoy fond memories and say goodbye. Two days later, he went home.
Michael went a very long time without having a good day yet he never complained. Here I am enjoying a good week in between every bad week and I complain often. I have become bitter and angry and resentful. Michael was given no hope yet he never gave up hope. I have all the hope there can be for a cancer patient, yet I was acting like a hopeless victim.
Shame on me! I decided I owed it to Michael's memory to finish well since he could not. I owed it to Michael not to let cancer beat me.
I have always been able to feel other's pain. I think that's what makes me such a good writer. I may not (until recently) allow myself to feel or express emotion well, but I can sense it and feel it for and from others. I felt their loss as if it were my own. I heard their deep sobs stemming from the very depths of their souls. You know that sound, that grieving moan coming from somewhere deep inside, the unbearable pain pressing down on the one left behind.
When I found myself staring at a light fixture, I made myself tune back into the moment and gave myself permission to cry, even in public, even in uniform. I made myself hear their sobs. My heart broke and I felt ashamed.
I may not have children, but that does not mean I am not needed or loved. I imagined Mike trying to stand in front of the crowd and share memories of me, possibly that time we were going to teach a RAD class at a church and how he got me laughing so hard I fell out of my seat belt onto the floor of his truck. I don't think he could have done it. If he could, he would probably have to pause like Michael's friend who openly wept in front of us all.
I imagined my mom, dad, and sister sitting in the front row. Michael's mother's sobs, those low moans, became the grief of my own mother. Could my sister get up there and talk about me the way Michael's sister did?
What about all the others? Brad? My in-laws? We may not legally be family anymore, but we all still love each other. What about those I know and who know me at Belmont and at church? Would I be able to fill the theater the way Michael did?
The sounds and faces of those grieving became sounds and faces of people I knew and loved. Stories told became stories told about me. I imagined Bon Jovi songs played. I wondered what pictures they would use for me since I, like Michacel, am usually the one behind the camera and not in front of it.
It became my memorial.
Two things happened. One, it got me to the final stage of grief. I think I have been through all the stages, some more than once. Even though I have talked about death many, many times, I don't think I ever got to acceptance, true, genuine acceptance until today. Looking at those photos, listening to loved ones share memories, I realized how easily it could have been me. Yes, Hodgkin's is highly curable, but it is still a deadly disease. They still give me poison to fight this disease. There is still a 40% chance treatment won't work. If chemo fails and a bone marrow transplant fails, it will be me. Things look more than promising, but the seriousness of this disease still exist. Realizing my own mortality is what led me to start internalizing the memorial.
Two, I felt ashamed. I have gone on and on about how I wish God would take me home. Since I don't have any kids, it wouldn't really matter. People could get on just fine without me. There is nothing I do at work that others could not do. There is nothing I contribute in general that makes that huge a deal.
Personalizing Michael's memorial made me realize how unbelievably wrong and selfish I have been. It's not about what I do. It's about who I am. I am a sister, daughter, niece, aunt, granddaughter, coworker, and friend. How selfish of me to think I didn't really matter and no one would really miss me. How selfish to want to go home and not think or care how my death would hurt others.
I am so sorry, everyone. I weep even now as I type. Please forgive me. I will choose life for Michael and for you. I will beat this and be glad with the second chance God gave me.
We had to leave the memorial early because of a drug violation in progress. As we walked down a busy sidewalk, with cars driving by and people walking by, Mike asked me if I was okay. The old me would have said, "yep!" and just walked on without making eye contact. Instead, I gave in to honesty. I shook my head no and started weeping - in uniform on a busy street for all to see! Once I started, I could not control myself. I shared with Mike these thoughts.
After lunch, we were supposed to go to the gun range. Me and another officer missed our bi-annual re-qualification back in July so we were going to make it up. I told Mike that I no longer felt like going, but also thought it would be good for me! We went and it was nice getting my mind off of the day's events for a bit.
Back at work, I had an interview scheduled. A student wanted to interview me for a class project. He was interviewing several officers about the dynamics that make up our department. He was interested in me because of the article that recently came out.
When he asked me about the cancer, I gave him a brief synopsis, but intentionally made it more upbeat than I would have made it sound had we met before the memorial. I told the student about the memorial and about Michael. "I'm lucky," I said, "Hodgkin's is one of the most curable cancers." My whole attitude about my burden has changed in an instant!
The student also asked if I intended to make a career out of my job at Belmont. I laughed and thought of Michael and what he thought of Belmont - it's a family - my thoughts and words as well.
I told him that I am a Texan "and you know how prideful Texans are!" I said that when I first got diagnosed with cancer, all I could think about was going home once I got over it. A big part of me wants nothing more than to be in Texas with my family. I told him what was said about Michael and how he loved Belmont. I told him how, while at the memorial, I thought about how much I love Belmont and the people here. "Like we talked about earlier, Belmont truly is a family. I want to go home to my family, but then I think, 'how can I leave my family at Belmont?' I always said heaven on earth would be if Belmont were in Texas! As a matter of fact, there is a town called Belmont in Texas!" I stopped and paused. My tone changed from jovial to serious. "I don't know. I just don't know."
Get to know Michael Krouskop:
Photos Michael took for me for security publications:
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Math Problems
It hit me today just how bad the chemo brain has gotten. While driving home, after picking up Bailey from her daddy's house where she spent her birthday, I realized that Bailey is six, not seven. She was born in 2006. Bad Momma!!!
At work today, I was working on a report that required some very basic math skills - figuring percentages. I have always been good at basic math and this is something I once knew how to do. Figuring out percentages is a simple matter of plugging numbers into a one sentence word problem. For the life of me, I could not figure out what the heck I was doing! I came up with three different numbers! Luckily, Mike reminded me how to check my equation and I was able to figure it out.
The whole experience stressed me out. I have made simple, stupid mathematical mistakes such as joking with my boss by telling him I would stay at Belmont if I could have a faculty work schedule, work ten months, be off three. But, I have never made mistakes when I actually gave it some thought!
I have always double and triple checked my work. Today, I had to quadruple that check. The whole experience, plus aging my baby by an entire year really made me realize how serious this chemo brain thing really is.
The doctors have told me that any of the side effects may be permanent. I know they have to say that. There's just no knowing for sure. I am sure I will regain my taste buds, my brain function, and activity level. I'm sure the aches and pains are temporary. I even predict the menopause type effects will be temporary. However, only time will tell.
On another note, my mood has improved. An old high school friend posted something on facebook and I read the same sort of message in my Jesus Calling devotional that my mom got me. Both talked about how God will get me through and how when I find myself in pity and despair, I should realize that my focus has shifted and turn back to God. He was obviously trying to tell me something.
After session six, when I felt "cured" yet still need to go through six more treatments, I have found my mood turning sour and me withdrawing from God. I don't know why. I suppose I was mad at Him for making me go through this.
For whatever reason, I found it difficult to take that first step toward Him again. But, with His strength and encouragement, I did it. I started on my knees then just sank to the floor and cried. I didn't say much. I let my tears be my prayer. Then, I pulled out my thanksgiving journal for the first time in a while and wrote in it. Then, I read the Bible some. Then, I started reading my Max Lucado book on grace. That brought more tears to my eyes. It convicted me and healed me. The anger and bitterness went away. I slept peacefully without the aid of medication.
I had an extremely busy and productive day at work. Some of my new job responsibilities are things I have wanted to do for a long time. They serve the annal part of me - everything has it's place and I was able to give order to something I thought lacked order.
There are a lot of changes going on in the department, all necessary as Belmont continues to grow, but I sometimes wonder how others take what I am doing. I have told them that some things I will not be able to give my full attention to until I am back to work full time. However, it seems like I am coming in like a steam roller in other areas. I just hope nobody thinks I'm trying to make a statement about the incompetency of the person who's role I am jointly taking over. That is not the case at all. I'm simply trying to do as much as I can when I can. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. I am simply doing my job and trying to do it well.
On the way home, I listened to my Bon Jovi CDs. It occurred to me that I owe a great deal of my confidence, bordering on cockiness, to Bon Jovi. So many of their songs have shaped me over the years, especially all the "you-can-do-it" anthems I so loved during my darkest, lowest self-esteem moments of my youth.
As I got closer to home, one of my more recent favorites, Story of My Life, came on. The lyrics touched me and seemed to fit this moment in my life so well.
 |
| Bailey checks out her birthday cake! |
 |
| Bailey enjoys her birthday present! |
 |
| Dog park for her birthday! |
At work today, I was working on a report that required some very basic math skills - figuring percentages. I have always been good at basic math and this is something I once knew how to do. Figuring out percentages is a simple matter of plugging numbers into a one sentence word problem. For the life of me, I could not figure out what the heck I was doing! I came up with three different numbers! Luckily, Mike reminded me how to check my equation and I was able to figure it out.
The whole experience stressed me out. I have made simple, stupid mathematical mistakes such as joking with my boss by telling him I would stay at Belmont if I could have a faculty work schedule, work ten months, be off three. But, I have never made mistakes when I actually gave it some thought!
I have always double and triple checked my work. Today, I had to quadruple that check. The whole experience, plus aging my baby by an entire year really made me realize how serious this chemo brain thing really is.
The doctors have told me that any of the side effects may be permanent. I know they have to say that. There's just no knowing for sure. I am sure I will regain my taste buds, my brain function, and activity level. I'm sure the aches and pains are temporary. I even predict the menopause type effects will be temporary. However, only time will tell.
On another note, my mood has improved. An old high school friend posted something on facebook and I read the same sort of message in my Jesus Calling devotional that my mom got me. Both talked about how God will get me through and how when I find myself in pity and despair, I should realize that my focus has shifted and turn back to God. He was obviously trying to tell me something.
After session six, when I felt "cured" yet still need to go through six more treatments, I have found my mood turning sour and me withdrawing from God. I don't know why. I suppose I was mad at Him for making me go through this.
For whatever reason, I found it difficult to take that first step toward Him again. But, with His strength and encouragement, I did it. I started on my knees then just sank to the floor and cried. I didn't say much. I let my tears be my prayer. Then, I pulled out my thanksgiving journal for the first time in a while and wrote in it. Then, I read the Bible some. Then, I started reading my Max Lucado book on grace. That brought more tears to my eyes. It convicted me and healed me. The anger and bitterness went away. I slept peacefully without the aid of medication.
I had an extremely busy and productive day at work. Some of my new job responsibilities are things I have wanted to do for a long time. They serve the annal part of me - everything has it's place and I was able to give order to something I thought lacked order.
There are a lot of changes going on in the department, all necessary as Belmont continues to grow, but I sometimes wonder how others take what I am doing. I have told them that some things I will not be able to give my full attention to until I am back to work full time. However, it seems like I am coming in like a steam roller in other areas. I just hope nobody thinks I'm trying to make a statement about the incompetency of the person who's role I am jointly taking over. That is not the case at all. I'm simply trying to do as much as I can when I can. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. I am simply doing my job and trying to do it well.
On the way home, I listened to my Bon Jovi CDs. It occurred to me that I owe a great deal of my confidence, bordering on cockiness, to Bon Jovi. So many of their songs have shaped me over the years, especially all the "you-can-do-it" anthems I so loved during my darkest, lowest self-esteem moments of my youth.
As I got closer to home, one of my more recent favorites, Story of My Life, came on. The lyrics touched me and seemed to fit this moment in my life so well.
Story of My Life
Yesterdays a memory
Another page in history
You sell yourself on hopes and dreams
That leaves you feeling sideways.
Tripping over my own feet
Trying to walk to my own beat
Another car out on the street trying to find the Highway
Yeah, Are you going my way?
[Chorus]
This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but grey
I know that no I'm not alright, but I feel ok cos
Anything can, everything can happen
That's the story of my life
I gonna write the melody
That's gonna make history,
And when I paint my masterpiece I swear I'll show you first
There just ain't a way to see who and why or what will be
Till now is then
It's a mystery, it's a blessing and a curse
Or something worse
[Chorus]
I've been thinking maybe you can help me write that story of my life
Hey what do you say?
This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday,
And I hope you're by my side when I'm writing the last page
[Chorus x2]
Another page in history
You sell yourself on hopes and dreams
That leaves you feeling sideways.
Tripping over my own feet
Trying to walk to my own beat
Another car out on the street trying to find the Highway
Yeah, Are you going my way?
[Chorus]
This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but grey
I know that no I'm not alright, but I feel ok cos
Anything can, everything can happen
That's the story of my life
I gonna write the melody
That's gonna make history,
And when I paint my masterpiece I swear I'll show you first
There just ain't a way to see who and why or what will be
Till now is then
It's a mystery, it's a blessing and a curse
Or something worse
[Chorus]
I've been thinking maybe you can help me write that story of my life
Hey what do you say?
This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday,
And I hope you're by my side when I'm writing the last page
[Chorus x2]
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Rollercoaster
After a good day Friday, I took a nose dive backwards and didn't leave the bed all day yesterday. I still hadn't slept and I felt like I had this crud in my throat that made breathing hard and made me feel nauseated. It wasn't the same as regular chest congestion. I think allergies are making chemo worse and chemo is making allergies worse. The longer I went without sleep and feeling sickly, the worse my mood became.
Last night, Mike gave me something to help me sleep. I slept great! This morning, I started coughing in the shower. As I was brushing my teeth, I threw up. Bananas and oatmeal do not taste very good coming back up! However, I also threw up whatever crud was in the back of my throat. Felt much better after that.
Still feel weak and sickly today, but feel much better than I did yesterday! My mental state is still taking a beating. I may only have three sessions left, but they are becoming harder and harder to bounce back from. I feel so helpless. It's been hard to focus on finishing well...
until this morning...
When I got to work, Mike told me that a Belmont co-worker (not in security) passed away Saturday night. He had leukemia and was in the hospital for an experimental treatment. The treatment didn't take. I knew all this. I didn't know he had died.
On the way in to work this morning, I was thinking about Michael and how there was no way I could endure what he had to endure. At least I feel better for a bit between treatments. I thought, if I were him, I'd tell them to give me something for the pain, but to stop treatments for cancer. I would certainly want to die.
To go from those thoughts to hearing that he had died was a shock. I knew it did not look good for him and I do not feel sad for him. I think he is much better off. However, the news hit me really hard. I knew Michael and he knew me, but it's not like we were close. I never went to visit him or anything, but I still took it rather hard.
Survivor's remorse? Jealousy? Simple empathy? I have asked Jesus to take me home, but He hasn't. Even so, my emotions didn't stem from jealousy. Empathy? Sure! He left behind a young son and a mother and countless friends who will miss him. He was a great guy! Survivor's remorse? That's all I know what to call it. Here is a good man with a young son who needs his father. Here I am, a woman with no one who relies on me. Sure, I have plenty of people who would miss me, but I have no children, nobody who could not make it without me. Why would God take someone like him and leave me? If I could trade places with him, for his son's sake, I would. No child should lose a parent at such a young age.
I told this to a friend of mine and she reminded me that Michael had obviously finished his task on earth and God was ready to call him home. God obviously is not finished with me. She believes He has some great task yet for me to do. He will not call me home until I complete my task. I believe this, but it doesn't make it easier. I will, though, work harder to be more thankful (eucharisteo) rather than allow myself to stay stuck in self pity - if for no other reason than for Michael's memory.
Luckily, I was able to work today and had a busy day. One of the majors recently stepped down and instead of replacing him, we are reorganizing the department. The management team spent the day discussing this in great detail. Although my title may not change and there is no promise of additional pay, my job responsibilities will be increasing. It truly is something - even though I am only here half the time right now, my boss thinks enough of me to sort of give me a promotion. Anyway, staying busy took my mind off my own sickness and my sadness about Michael.
This afternoon, Brad and I are taking Bailey to the dog park for her 7th birthday! We gave her her birthday present this morning and we'll give her her cake later. I'll be sure to take pictures! Nothing my little girl can't make better! She is my heart!
Last night, Mike gave me something to help me sleep. I slept great! This morning, I started coughing in the shower. As I was brushing my teeth, I threw up. Bananas and oatmeal do not taste very good coming back up! However, I also threw up whatever crud was in the back of my throat. Felt much better after that.
Still feel weak and sickly today, but feel much better than I did yesterday! My mental state is still taking a beating. I may only have three sessions left, but they are becoming harder and harder to bounce back from. I feel so helpless. It's been hard to focus on finishing well...
until this morning...
When I got to work, Mike told me that a Belmont co-worker (not in security) passed away Saturday night. He had leukemia and was in the hospital for an experimental treatment. The treatment didn't take. I knew all this. I didn't know he had died.
On the way in to work this morning, I was thinking about Michael and how there was no way I could endure what he had to endure. At least I feel better for a bit between treatments. I thought, if I were him, I'd tell them to give me something for the pain, but to stop treatments for cancer. I would certainly want to die.
To go from those thoughts to hearing that he had died was a shock. I knew it did not look good for him and I do not feel sad for him. I think he is much better off. However, the news hit me really hard. I knew Michael and he knew me, but it's not like we were close. I never went to visit him or anything, but I still took it rather hard.
Survivor's remorse? Jealousy? Simple empathy? I have asked Jesus to take me home, but He hasn't. Even so, my emotions didn't stem from jealousy. Empathy? Sure! He left behind a young son and a mother and countless friends who will miss him. He was a great guy! Survivor's remorse? That's all I know what to call it. Here is a good man with a young son who needs his father. Here I am, a woman with no one who relies on me. Sure, I have plenty of people who would miss me, but I have no children, nobody who could not make it without me. Why would God take someone like him and leave me? If I could trade places with him, for his son's sake, I would. No child should lose a parent at such a young age.
I told this to a friend of mine and she reminded me that Michael had obviously finished his task on earth and God was ready to call him home. God obviously is not finished with me. She believes He has some great task yet for me to do. He will not call me home until I complete my task. I believe this, but it doesn't make it easier. I will, though, work harder to be more thankful (eucharisteo) rather than allow myself to stay stuck in self pity - if for no other reason than for Michael's memory.
Luckily, I was able to work today and had a busy day. One of the majors recently stepped down and instead of replacing him, we are reorganizing the department. The management team spent the day discussing this in great detail. Although my title may not change and there is no promise of additional pay, my job responsibilities will be increasing. It truly is something - even though I am only here half the time right now, my boss thinks enough of me to sort of give me a promotion. Anyway, staying busy took my mind off my own sickness and my sadness about Michael.
This afternoon, Brad and I are taking Bailey to the dog park for her 7th birthday! We gave her her birthday present this morning and we'll give her her cake later. I'll be sure to take pictures! Nothing my little girl can't make better! She is my heart!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Finishing Well
The title for today's blog has nothing to do with how I am feeling other than making me focus on Him and quit feeling sorry for myself.
My church is starting a new drama ministry and I want to be a part of it as a writer. I emailed the man in charge some of the skits I wrote when I was going to my dad's church in Texas almost ten years ago. I wrote three, but only one was going to be used by the church. It was one of the pastor's last sermons and the title of his sermon was called Finishing Well. My skit was a one person skit and the woman was at a carnival where they had a finishing well. You could make a wish and redo any one past mistakes of your life. She contemplates which sin to correct. In the end, her only wish was that she had turned her life over to Jesus. She thinks it's too late, but it's not. She finishes well.
The skit was never used, though. It was cut due to lack of time.
Anyway, before writing my blog, I emailed the skits for consideration. Glad I did. After such an unusually good day yesterday, I had a bad day today.
I could not sleep again last night. Mom and I tried sleeping in the attic. I thought a change of venue would help. It did not.
This morning, I felt sluggish, but still decided to go out for breakfast. I had eggs over medium, hash browns, and pumpkin pancakes. I LOVE anything pumpkin and LOVE mixing up the eggs and hash browns. Not today, though. The spice in the pancakes did not taste good to me and the butter and eggs made me sick to my stomach.
Two more items on my cannot eat list - butter and eggs.
Between the lack of sleep and more of my favorite foods on the ever growing do-not-eat list, my mood quickly turned even more sour than it was Friday morning.
Mom made an appointment to get her hair done and as I drove her to her appointment, she tried to instigate conversations. I gave her one or two word replies and felt my anger bubbling up. It had nothing to do with her, but I just knew I was going to end up saying or doing something to hurt her feelings.
Before I did so, I told her I was glad she was there with me and apologized for my mood. She understood.
When we got home, I put on my pajamas and went straight to bed, hoping to catch up on some sleep. I slept maybe twenty out of every sixty minutes. My anger turned to self pity and I found myself, for the first time in a very long time, pleading with God to take me home. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to have to do this anymore.
My mom left for church and Mike left to meet a friend for dinner. Although not hungry, I knew food may settle my upset stomach. I made some noodles - no butter or sauce or meatballs - plain noodles with a little bit of salt and cheese. It did make my stomach somewhat better.
Instead of going back to bed, I came up to the attic to find those skits, email them, then post an update on my blog. Glancing over that skit convicted me of my behavior. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because God won't take me home, I, like the woman in the skit, need to focus on finishing well. I cannot know His reasons, but I have no doubt He has them.
My church is starting a new drama ministry and I want to be a part of it as a writer. I emailed the man in charge some of the skits I wrote when I was going to my dad's church in Texas almost ten years ago. I wrote three, but only one was going to be used by the church. It was one of the pastor's last sermons and the title of his sermon was called Finishing Well. My skit was a one person skit and the woman was at a carnival where they had a finishing well. You could make a wish and redo any one past mistakes of your life. She contemplates which sin to correct. In the end, her only wish was that she had turned her life over to Jesus. She thinks it's too late, but it's not. She finishes well.
The skit was never used, though. It was cut due to lack of time.
Anyway, before writing my blog, I emailed the skits for consideration. Glad I did. After such an unusually good day yesterday, I had a bad day today.
I could not sleep again last night. Mom and I tried sleeping in the attic. I thought a change of venue would help. It did not.
This morning, I felt sluggish, but still decided to go out for breakfast. I had eggs over medium, hash browns, and pumpkin pancakes. I LOVE anything pumpkin and LOVE mixing up the eggs and hash browns. Not today, though. The spice in the pancakes did not taste good to me and the butter and eggs made me sick to my stomach.
Two more items on my cannot eat list - butter and eggs.
Between the lack of sleep and more of my favorite foods on the ever growing do-not-eat list, my mood quickly turned even more sour than it was Friday morning.
Mom made an appointment to get her hair done and as I drove her to her appointment, she tried to instigate conversations. I gave her one or two word replies and felt my anger bubbling up. It had nothing to do with her, but I just knew I was going to end up saying or doing something to hurt her feelings.
Before I did so, I told her I was glad she was there with me and apologized for my mood. She understood.
When we got home, I put on my pajamas and went straight to bed, hoping to catch up on some sleep. I slept maybe twenty out of every sixty minutes. My anger turned to self pity and I found myself, for the first time in a very long time, pleading with God to take me home. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to have to do this anymore.
My mom left for church and Mike left to meet a friend for dinner. Although not hungry, I knew food may settle my upset stomach. I made some noodles - no butter or sauce or meatballs - plain noodles with a little bit of salt and cheese. It did make my stomach somewhat better.
Instead of going back to bed, I came up to the attic to find those skits, email them, then post an update on my blog. Glancing over that skit convicted me of my behavior. Instead of feeling sorry for myself because God won't take me home, I, like the woman in the skit, need to focus on finishing well. I cannot know His reasons, but I have no doubt He has them.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Bitter Sweet Friday
For the past two days I have been feeling angry. It is normal for me to start feeling a bit bitter when my brain is clear, but body is still weak. However, it seemed to be worse this time...and...it seemed to be worse today than yesterday. I have not been able to sleep well the past few nights. I thought this might have something to do with it, but I didn't feel tired during the day.
Today, I still felt kind of yucky. I still don't have a lot of energy. I am also still having a little trouble breathing which, in turn, makes me feel a little pukey. However, I also felt extremely suffocated this morning. I tried to sit outside and read, but I could not focus beyond a few pages. It was cool and dreary outside, but I decided to go for a walk anyway. Mom and Bailey came with me. The walk was nice, but it was not long and did not alleviate my building anxiety.
Since the walk did not cure my suffocated feeling, I suggested we go somewhere for lunch. We went to KFC, another restaurant I will no longer be able to go to for a while. It is usually bland enough for me, but I could taste the pepper in my nuggets and fries. My pallet is becoming unbelievably sensitive to pepper. I can only eat bland meals!
Although the food was only okay, the conversation was great. In talking with my mom, I realized why my mood was so much more somber than usual.
For one, I may only have three sessions left, but I am becoming more impatient with it. Ever since my last pet scan, I have firmly believed that I was cancer free. Before the actual scan, they gave me a radiation shot then made me sit still in a dark room for 45 -60 minutes. During that wait, I felt overcome with the Holy Spirit and just knew I was cancer free. When the pet scan came back negative, it reinforced what I already knew.
I understand the doctor's desire to continue with the full treatment. I get wanting to attack it hard since I am otherwise healthy and young enough to endure it and I would much rather go through this now then find out in a few months that the cancer has returned. However, ever since I became convinced that I was basically cured, going through the motions has been difficult.
To make this week worse than most is the fact that this is the time of year when I go to my annual retreat to Gethsemane, the monastery in Kentucky. This is my ME vacation, my time of year to decompress and spend solitude time with God. One more thing I was missing because of my sickness.
Instead of becoming more agitated with this revelation, a weight seemed to lift. Since I knew what was wrong, I could talk about it and deal with it. It's easier to deal with my anger when I know what's causing it.
The rest of the day went well. I spent the entire afternoon reading. After about two or three hours of reading, I stopped and thought, "Wow! I'm reading!" That in and of itself is a huge deal. Means my chemo brain is gone. There were days this week I tried to read, but couldn't even focus on the fifth grade readers my sister gave me! Today, I was sucked into one of those simple books! Gotta love it!!!
When Mike got home, he mentioned being too tired to go to a festival with a friend. I told him to blow off that friend and go out to eat with me and my mom. I had told her that we would have leftovers for dinner, but I was feeling rather good mentally and wanted to get out of the house again.
We went to the Olive Garden. Bad thing is I can't eat my favorite - Chicken Parmesan - because I cannot eat tomato based products. Tomato based products are right up there with pepper and spices. Good thing is I have not lost my taste for the chocolate mouse pie!!! Don't worry, Tori, Mom has fed me healthy all week. Plus, since I cannot eat very flavorful meals, I had soup with spinach and grilled chicken for dinner! Besides, I deserved a treat! This is the first time I have been out and about this soon during a chemo week. That is certainly worth celebrating!
Today, I still felt kind of yucky. I still don't have a lot of energy. I am also still having a little trouble breathing which, in turn, makes me feel a little pukey. However, I also felt extremely suffocated this morning. I tried to sit outside and read, but I could not focus beyond a few pages. It was cool and dreary outside, but I decided to go for a walk anyway. Mom and Bailey came with me. The walk was nice, but it was not long and did not alleviate my building anxiety.
Since the walk did not cure my suffocated feeling, I suggested we go somewhere for lunch. We went to KFC, another restaurant I will no longer be able to go to for a while. It is usually bland enough for me, but I could taste the pepper in my nuggets and fries. My pallet is becoming unbelievably sensitive to pepper. I can only eat bland meals!
Although the food was only okay, the conversation was great. In talking with my mom, I realized why my mood was so much more somber than usual.
For one, I may only have three sessions left, but I am becoming more impatient with it. Ever since my last pet scan, I have firmly believed that I was cancer free. Before the actual scan, they gave me a radiation shot then made me sit still in a dark room for 45 -60 minutes. During that wait, I felt overcome with the Holy Spirit and just knew I was cancer free. When the pet scan came back negative, it reinforced what I already knew.
I understand the doctor's desire to continue with the full treatment. I get wanting to attack it hard since I am otherwise healthy and young enough to endure it and I would much rather go through this now then find out in a few months that the cancer has returned. However, ever since I became convinced that I was basically cured, going through the motions has been difficult.
To make this week worse than most is the fact that this is the time of year when I go to my annual retreat to Gethsemane, the monastery in Kentucky. This is my ME vacation, my time of year to decompress and spend solitude time with God. One more thing I was missing because of my sickness.
Instead of becoming more agitated with this revelation, a weight seemed to lift. Since I knew what was wrong, I could talk about it and deal with it. It's easier to deal with my anger when I know what's causing it.
The rest of the day went well. I spent the entire afternoon reading. After about two or three hours of reading, I stopped and thought, "Wow! I'm reading!" That in and of itself is a huge deal. Means my chemo brain is gone. There were days this week I tried to read, but couldn't even focus on the fifth grade readers my sister gave me! Today, I was sucked into one of those simple books! Gotta love it!!!
When Mike got home, he mentioned being too tired to go to a festival with a friend. I told him to blow off that friend and go out to eat with me and my mom. I had told her that we would have leftovers for dinner, but I was feeling rather good mentally and wanted to get out of the house again.
We went to the Olive Garden. Bad thing is I can't eat my favorite - Chicken Parmesan - because I cannot eat tomato based products. Tomato based products are right up there with pepper and spices. Good thing is I have not lost my taste for the chocolate mouse pie!!! Don't worry, Tori, Mom has fed me healthy all week. Plus, since I cannot eat very flavorful meals, I had soup with spinach and grilled chicken for dinner! Besides, I deserved a treat! This is the first time I have been out and about this soon during a chemo week. That is certainly worth celebrating!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Difficulty Breathing
Last night before bed, I washed my nose out with salt and warm water. Supposed to help the allergies. I have a saline wash, but will not use it because of how the smell of saline makes me sick. The salt water not only cleaned out my nose, but it also took the saline smell out of my nostrils. Almost immediately, my nausea left me. Note to self: wash my nose out after each doctor visit or any time the smell of household cleaners makes me feel sick!
My Texans won last night. Not quite the blowout it should have been, but a win is a win. Woo hoo!
For the past few weeks, I have had a little trouble breathing. It wasn't bad. Just could not seem to be able to take a deep breath or yawn fully.
Today, it is much more intense. I breathe okay when I am sedentary, but if I do even the slightest thing like take a shower, gather my clothes and put them in the washer, or walk up a small flight of stairs, I feel winded, as if I had just finished running for miles.
Even though I had an appointment to get my shot today, I went ahead and called my nurse this morning. I told her about it and asked if I could have another pulmonary function test just to calm my nerves. My allergies are really bad and I know this could be adding to the problem, but it would give me peace of mind. I have not had this much trouble breathing since before I was diagnosed with cancer.
When I arrived for my appointment, she checked me out and said I sounded good. Dr. Meluch checked me as well. He said my lungs and heart sound good, but since he planned on scheduling another pulmonary test soon, he would go ahead and do it now for my peace of mind. My test will be on October 19. He wants to get a real reading. That is why the test will not be right away. The chemo needs to get out of my system some. He said chemo has the same tiring effect as if I ran five miles. This made me laugh and made me feel better. I couldn't even run five miles when I was healthy!!! (I really like my doctor.)
Other than the breathing problem, I have had a great day! Got several hours worth of work done this morning from home. I went to Petsmart and picked up some things for Bailey's 7th birthday next Monday, October 15th. I am not nauseated and although I have been taking the nausea pills that make me sleepy, I have not been overly exhausted. My doctor also said that my body can build up a tolerance for the pills.
Wednesday is usually my bad day and Thursday and Friday usually aren't much better. I am hoping that since yesterday and today have been better than normal, the rest of the week will be as well.
My Texans won last night. Not quite the blowout it should have been, but a win is a win. Woo hoo!
For the past few weeks, I have had a little trouble breathing. It wasn't bad. Just could not seem to be able to take a deep breath or yawn fully.
Today, it is much more intense. I breathe okay when I am sedentary, but if I do even the slightest thing like take a shower, gather my clothes and put them in the washer, or walk up a small flight of stairs, I feel winded, as if I had just finished running for miles.
Even though I had an appointment to get my shot today, I went ahead and called my nurse this morning. I told her about it and asked if I could have another pulmonary function test just to calm my nerves. My allergies are really bad and I know this could be adding to the problem, but it would give me peace of mind. I have not had this much trouble breathing since before I was diagnosed with cancer.
When I arrived for my appointment, she checked me out and said I sounded good. Dr. Meluch checked me as well. He said my lungs and heart sound good, but since he planned on scheduling another pulmonary test soon, he would go ahead and do it now for my peace of mind. My test will be on October 19. He wants to get a real reading. That is why the test will not be right away. The chemo needs to get out of my system some. He said chemo has the same tiring effect as if I ran five miles. This made me laugh and made me feel better. I couldn't even run five miles when I was healthy!!! (I really like my doctor.)
Other than the breathing problem, I have had a great day! Got several hours worth of work done this morning from home. I went to Petsmart and picked up some things for Bailey's 7th birthday next Monday, October 15th. I am not nauseated and although I have been taking the nausea pills that make me sleepy, I have not been overly exhausted. My doctor also said that my body can build up a tolerance for the pills.
Wednesday is usually my bad day and Thursday and Friday usually aren't much better. I am hoping that since yesterday and today have been better than normal, the rest of the week will be as well.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Coffee to the Rescue
One comment about last night's dinner before I get in to today. I was sharing with my friends how it is getting harder mentally to get over and how my ego has taken a hit because I am no longer fit. I talked about how I used to work out all the time. I wasn't the best fit person, but I was definitely much more active and had much more stamina. Patricia, my nurse friend, told me that once the doctor gave me the all clear, I would basically have to start over with my physical regimen. I said I knew this was true, especially with Krav Maga. That is very intense and I would have to take it very slow.
We then talked about Michael, the Belmont co-worker back in the hospital undergoing experimental treatment for leukemia. He has lost a ton of weight and having a very hard time. I know Hodgkin's is one of the easier cancers, but people still seem surprised that I work at all and because I have gained weight, the only obvious sign that I am sick are my eyes. I have big bags under my eyes. Nothing I do gets rid of them. Plus, my eye lashes are falling out and eyebrows have thinned. They are also red all the time because of allergies. Even though I have a shaved head, I don't "look" like I have cancer.
Patricia said something that stuck with me. She said, "Imagine what you would be going through if you weren't fit before you started chemo." That's true. I never thought about that. Maybe the fact that I was otherwise healthy is the reason I haven't lost all my hair like I was supposed to and why the non-chemo weeks are as good as they are.
The mental sickness has surpassed the physical sickness right now. If I could figure out a way to overcome the mental part, I think I would be doing much better. I'm trying the best I can.
My appointment today wasn't until 11:30am, later than normal. I get antsy as it is before treatment. I could not imagine being home all morning anticipating my appointment. So, instead, I brought Mom to work with me and spent a few hours working. It was great! Took my mind off treatment for a little bit.
When I got the the doctor's office, I started feeling queasy. As I was being escorted to the waiting room to see the doctor, I caught a whiff of the saline. I got extremely queasy then. I stayed queasy because of that smell for the rest of the day.
I tried to sleep, but that smell was getting to me. I then smelled coffee. I woke up and asked my mom to get me a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee, but the smell overpowered the smell of the saline and helped calm my stomach.
One of my nurses, Lauren, the Belmont grad featured in the Belmont article told me she read it and commented on how good it was. Other nurses and patients listened in and asked questions about it. With my permission, she passed it around for others to read.
I got a kick out of that, not because of the article, but just how personable everyone is. It's kind of like a family there. We are all bonded by what we are going through. All the nurses are very nice and take the time to get to know their patients. If I had to get sick, I'm glad I ended up at Tennessee Oncology.
Time came for the red drug. This is the most potent drug and has always made me sick. Soon after the injection, I feel like I'm either going to vomit or have diarrhea. Since I already felt queasy, I was afraid of this injection. Surprisingly, I felt no additional sickening effects from it. Maybe the coffee and prayers helped!
I was able to sleep during the hour long drip. Time to go home. I didn't feel as sick as normal from the treatment itself, but the nausea I have been feeling since last night will not go away.
Yesterday, I bought some Vita waters, tea, and Mio for water. I can no longer tolerate the juice I had been drinking and have even lost my taste for water during chemo weeks. I needed to get something to keep my hydrated.
After dinner, I used some of the fruit punch Mio. However, it was the same color as my red drug. As soon as I looked at the bottle, I hid my face and asked my mom to take it away. The look of it was making me sick. Mike went to the store to get me a different flavor! At least we were all able to make fun of this strange phenomenon!!!
I thanked my mom for being here. I know I am acting a lot more needy than normal. My friend, Cheryl, gave me a book called Help Me Live. It is meant for caregivers, but she said it is also helpful for the sick person as well. I read the forward and introduction last night.
There is a part where the author says something about how caregivers and friends wonder why the sick person won't ask for help or say what they mean or want. She explained that oftentimes, especially in the beginning, the sick person doesn't know what he/she wants or needs. They are in a state of shock and it is new for them. Plus, what they want and need may change. It may even change based on the time of day. Also, if they are lonely or scared, they may not say anything for fear of angering the other person and losing their friendship.
I saw how some of this is true for me. One, in the beginning, I didn't know what I needed. Also, I am/was such a loner. I didn' want help. After my sister got involved, I saw how helpful it was to have people make sure I ate and how much it improved my outlook just not being alone.
Now, I don't like being alone. Friends have called and said they want to come visit, but don't want to bother me. I have given them permission to visit any time, even on Wednesday, my worst day. I may not be very good company, but I won't mind the visit. Before, I didn't want to even answer the phone on those bad days.
Now, this may change tomorrow, but that's how I feel today. I am aware that the mental sickness is worse and not being alone is more important than ever now!
This new self-awareness has made me more needy. I ask for her help more often. I even told her what I want for breakfast tomorrow! I know she doesn't mind. The strange thing is that I don't feel bad for asking. Before, I felt selfish if I asked. Now, I realize that I need the help and she wants to help.
Another thing I have noticed is how much more open I am with my emotions. It has always been easy for me to open up through my writing, but I could not do it face to face. I'm telling more people more often that I love them. Today, Mom and I were upstairs when Mike came home. I knew he would not go up there, wanting to respect our privacy, but I wanted to see him. I texted him to come up to see me and give me a hug. He came up and asked me what was wrong. He assumed I had had a bad time or got bad news. I told him I just wanted a hug. That simple!!!
Now, I'm watching the Texans game with Mom and Mike. This should be an easy win as long as the Texans haven't gotten over confident. Trying to stay out of bed and enjoy my Texans!
We then talked about Michael, the Belmont co-worker back in the hospital undergoing experimental treatment for leukemia. He has lost a ton of weight and having a very hard time. I know Hodgkin's is one of the easier cancers, but people still seem surprised that I work at all and because I have gained weight, the only obvious sign that I am sick are my eyes. I have big bags under my eyes. Nothing I do gets rid of them. Plus, my eye lashes are falling out and eyebrows have thinned. They are also red all the time because of allergies. Even though I have a shaved head, I don't "look" like I have cancer.
Patricia said something that stuck with me. She said, "Imagine what you would be going through if you weren't fit before you started chemo." That's true. I never thought about that. Maybe the fact that I was otherwise healthy is the reason I haven't lost all my hair like I was supposed to and why the non-chemo weeks are as good as they are.
The mental sickness has surpassed the physical sickness right now. If I could figure out a way to overcome the mental part, I think I would be doing much better. I'm trying the best I can.
My appointment today wasn't until 11:30am, later than normal. I get antsy as it is before treatment. I could not imagine being home all morning anticipating my appointment. So, instead, I brought Mom to work with me and spent a few hours working. It was great! Took my mind off treatment for a little bit.
When I got the the doctor's office, I started feeling queasy. As I was being escorted to the waiting room to see the doctor, I caught a whiff of the saline. I got extremely queasy then. I stayed queasy because of that smell for the rest of the day.
I tried to sleep, but that smell was getting to me. I then smelled coffee. I woke up and asked my mom to get me a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee, but the smell overpowered the smell of the saline and helped calm my stomach.
One of my nurses, Lauren, the Belmont grad featured in the Belmont article told me she read it and commented on how good it was. Other nurses and patients listened in and asked questions about it. With my permission, she passed it around for others to read.
I got a kick out of that, not because of the article, but just how personable everyone is. It's kind of like a family there. We are all bonded by what we are going through. All the nurses are very nice and take the time to get to know their patients. If I had to get sick, I'm glad I ended up at Tennessee Oncology.
Time came for the red drug. This is the most potent drug and has always made me sick. Soon after the injection, I feel like I'm either going to vomit or have diarrhea. Since I already felt queasy, I was afraid of this injection. Surprisingly, I felt no additional sickening effects from it. Maybe the coffee and prayers helped!
I was able to sleep during the hour long drip. Time to go home. I didn't feel as sick as normal from the treatment itself, but the nausea I have been feeling since last night will not go away.
Yesterday, I bought some Vita waters, tea, and Mio for water. I can no longer tolerate the juice I had been drinking and have even lost my taste for water during chemo weeks. I needed to get something to keep my hydrated.
After dinner, I used some of the fruit punch Mio. However, it was the same color as my red drug. As soon as I looked at the bottle, I hid my face and asked my mom to take it away. The look of it was making me sick. Mike went to the store to get me a different flavor! At least we were all able to make fun of this strange phenomenon!!!
I thanked my mom for being here. I know I am acting a lot more needy than normal. My friend, Cheryl, gave me a book called Help Me Live. It is meant for caregivers, but she said it is also helpful for the sick person as well. I read the forward and introduction last night.
There is a part where the author says something about how caregivers and friends wonder why the sick person won't ask for help or say what they mean or want. She explained that oftentimes, especially in the beginning, the sick person doesn't know what he/she wants or needs. They are in a state of shock and it is new for them. Plus, what they want and need may change. It may even change based on the time of day. Also, if they are lonely or scared, they may not say anything for fear of angering the other person and losing their friendship.
I saw how some of this is true for me. One, in the beginning, I didn't know what I needed. Also, I am/was such a loner. I didn' want help. After my sister got involved, I saw how helpful it was to have people make sure I ate and how much it improved my outlook just not being alone.
Now, I don't like being alone. Friends have called and said they want to come visit, but don't want to bother me. I have given them permission to visit any time, even on Wednesday, my worst day. I may not be very good company, but I won't mind the visit. Before, I didn't want to even answer the phone on those bad days.
Now, this may change tomorrow, but that's how I feel today. I am aware that the mental sickness is worse and not being alone is more important than ever now!
This new self-awareness has made me more needy. I ask for her help more often. I even told her what I want for breakfast tomorrow! I know she doesn't mind. The strange thing is that I don't feel bad for asking. Before, I felt selfish if I asked. Now, I realize that I need the help and she wants to help.
Another thing I have noticed is how much more open I am with my emotions. It has always been easy for me to open up through my writing, but I could not do it face to face. I'm telling more people more often that I love them. Today, Mom and I were upstairs when Mike came home. I knew he would not go up there, wanting to respect our privacy, but I wanted to see him. I texted him to come up to see me and give me a hug. He came up and asked me what was wrong. He assumed I had had a bad time or got bad news. I told him I just wanted a hug. That simple!!!
Now, I'm watching the Texans game with Mom and Mike. This should be an easy win as long as the Texans haven't gotten over confident. Trying to stay out of bed and enjoy my Texans!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Umbrells for Peace
Yesterday, my church hosted an event called Umbrellas for Peace, a program started by artist Matt Lamb. The umbrellas symbolize being under the protection of God. The neighborhood around the church is not the safest neighborhood in Nashville.
Our church recently started an upward sports program. Through that program, we learned just how dangerous the neighborhood can be. One young participant came in one day and asked for prayer for her uncle who had been shot. This led to the idea of bringing Umbrellas for Peace to First Church.
This is a very brief synopsis of the program.
Since the event was to be held during a good week, I volunteered to help. However, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't looking forward to it come Saturday morning. I had gotten more manic than normal this week, going to bed late and waking up early, intent on living each moment to the fullest while I could. By Friday, the lack of sleep had caught up with me. I went to bed reasonably early, but I was still quite tired when I woke up Saturday morning.
With the exception of the early morning cold, I had a ball. I was supposed to man one of the tables, passing out the materials and giving instructions. However, the tables were pretty well manned and I quickly found my niche doing other things. I greeted families as they arrived and led them to the tables. I also saw how messy things were getting and started walking around handing out paper towels. At one point, I took possession of a friend's dog and walked around holding her wrapped up in my shirt.
After the painting, we paraded a few blocks through the neighborhood. I had no idea what a big deal this was going to be. They had streets closed and police presence. The parade was simple. We just walked holding up our umbrellas. Drivers stopped in the middle of the road to take pictures. Neighbors watched from their front yards and balconies. A lot of us got a chance to talk with those from the community who participated. It was a lot of fun. Even made it into the paper today.
However, by the time we got back to the park, I was exhausted. The volunteers were supposed to stay and help clean up. I had to go. Not only was I tired, but I was starting to get a sinus headache.
I met Mike and Morgan for lunch then came home and crashed for a few hours before picking up my mom from the airport.
I took another long nap after church this morning. I still have not recovered from yesterday. Who knew that something so simple would take so much out of me? I should have known. After all, I haven't been active at all in about four months or more. Plus, my allergies have been bad this week. The ragweed is killing me!!!
Tonight, we went to dinner with some friends. My friend, Patricia, is a nurse. She was telling a story about strange patients. She mentioned that another nurse had saline syringes in her pocket and one patient thought it was a gun. After she mentioned saline, I started to feel queasy and developed a medicine taste in my mouth.
The mental sickness is probably worse than the physical sickness now. I have said it several times, but the worst part for me is when my brain is functioning, but my body is not. That is hard on me. I try not to be so bitter about it. After all, things could always be worse. I have one friend who is going through her second round of treatments. A coworker at Belmont has leukemia. He took a turn for the worse and is in the hospital. He has lost about 90 pounds. Still, as I have told others, hardship is relative. Even though they are going through so much, it doesn't make my journey any less burdensome. It still sucks.
I am glad my mom is here, though. When she got here, I told her she could either sleep in the twin bed upstairs or in my bed. She said whatever I prefer. I usually like having my own space and don't like to share my bed, but a lot of things are changing. I used to covet my me-time. Now, I can barely stand to be alone. I asked her to stay with me.
I am also going to try to stay out of my bed and off the couch more this time. I have started associating them with being sick and a few days after I start to feel better, I start to feel sick simply by sitting on the couch or going to bed. This time, I plan on napping upstairs on the twin bed. Mom can be up there reading with me some. We'll see how that works. I may end up staying in my own bed since there is no television upstairs. I don't know.
I don't think there is a whole lot I can realistically do to make it better. Like Dr. Parrott said in Sunday school today--sometimes we fly, sometimes we run, but most of the time we simply put one foot in front of the other. I think next week and the following three weeks of chemo, I will simply need to put one foot in front of the other. I do know this, though, I could have never gotten through this journey had it not been for all the support I have gotten from my church family, work family, friends, and blood family, especially the blood family. I will be forever indebted to my bulldozer of a sister who wouldn't let me get away with trying to do this on my own!
Our church recently started an upward sports program. Through that program, we learned just how dangerous the neighborhood can be. One young participant came in one day and asked for prayer for her uncle who had been shot. This led to the idea of bringing Umbrellas for Peace to First Church.
This is a very brief synopsis of the program.
Since the event was to be held during a good week, I volunteered to help. However, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't looking forward to it come Saturday morning. I had gotten more manic than normal this week, going to bed late and waking up early, intent on living each moment to the fullest while I could. By Friday, the lack of sleep had caught up with me. I went to bed reasonably early, but I was still quite tired when I woke up Saturday morning.
With the exception of the early morning cold, I had a ball. I was supposed to man one of the tables, passing out the materials and giving instructions. However, the tables were pretty well manned and I quickly found my niche doing other things. I greeted families as they arrived and led them to the tables. I also saw how messy things were getting and started walking around handing out paper towels. At one point, I took possession of a friend's dog and walked around holding her wrapped up in my shirt.
After the painting, we paraded a few blocks through the neighborhood. I had no idea what a big deal this was going to be. They had streets closed and police presence. The parade was simple. We just walked holding up our umbrellas. Drivers stopped in the middle of the road to take pictures. Neighbors watched from their front yards and balconies. A lot of us got a chance to talk with those from the community who participated. It was a lot of fun. Even made it into the paper today.
However, by the time we got back to the park, I was exhausted. The volunteers were supposed to stay and help clean up. I had to go. Not only was I tired, but I was starting to get a sinus headache.
I met Mike and Morgan for lunch then came home and crashed for a few hours before picking up my mom from the airport.
I took another long nap after church this morning. I still have not recovered from yesterday. Who knew that something so simple would take so much out of me? I should have known. After all, I haven't been active at all in about four months or more. Plus, my allergies have been bad this week. The ragweed is killing me!!!
Tonight, we went to dinner with some friends. My friend, Patricia, is a nurse. She was telling a story about strange patients. She mentioned that another nurse had saline syringes in her pocket and one patient thought it was a gun. After she mentioned saline, I started to feel queasy and developed a medicine taste in my mouth.
The mental sickness is probably worse than the physical sickness now. I have said it several times, but the worst part for me is when my brain is functioning, but my body is not. That is hard on me. I try not to be so bitter about it. After all, things could always be worse. I have one friend who is going through her second round of treatments. A coworker at Belmont has leukemia. He took a turn for the worse and is in the hospital. He has lost about 90 pounds. Still, as I have told others, hardship is relative. Even though they are going through so much, it doesn't make my journey any less burdensome. It still sucks.
I am glad my mom is here, though. When she got here, I told her she could either sleep in the twin bed upstairs or in my bed. She said whatever I prefer. I usually like having my own space and don't like to share my bed, but a lot of things are changing. I used to covet my me-time. Now, I can barely stand to be alone. I asked her to stay with me.
I am also going to try to stay out of my bed and off the couch more this time. I have started associating them with being sick and a few days after I start to feel better, I start to feel sick simply by sitting on the couch or going to bed. This time, I plan on napping upstairs on the twin bed. Mom can be up there reading with me some. We'll see how that works. I may end up staying in my own bed since there is no television upstairs. I don't know.
I don't think there is a whole lot I can realistically do to make it better. Like Dr. Parrott said in Sunday school today--sometimes we fly, sometimes we run, but most of the time we simply put one foot in front of the other. I think next week and the following three weeks of chemo, I will simply need to put one foot in front of the other. I do know this, though, I could have never gotten through this journey had it not been for all the support I have gotten from my church family, work family, friends, and blood family, especially the blood family. I will be forever indebted to my bulldozer of a sister who wouldn't let me get away with trying to do this on my own!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Presidential Nominees vs. Larry the Cucumber
After deliberating for a few days, I elected to stay home last night to watch the debate rather than go to church. I had been looking forward to the debates for some time. I rather enjoy watching the debates, especially after working one of them almost four years ago to the date.
Before watching the debate, Mike, Morgan, and I went to Dairy Queen for ice cream, something we do quite regularly these days. It was my suggestion. The day had been quite stressful. Started out rough. Every once in a while, I have a hard time taking deep breaths. When I can't breathe well, I sometimes start gagging, especially when I brush my teeth.
Yesterday morning, I woke up early. Since I was up early, I ate a bowl of cereal. (I usually eat poptarts at when I get to work.) Since I ate breakfast early, I vomited when I started gagging.
When I walked to my car to leave for work, I noticed my right front tire was flat. After filling it up, the shake that had developed got worse. Had to take my car to the shop. At work, I was having a very difficult time getting the crime stats tables right on our annual security report. Once I got those fixed, I had trouble getting it uploaded onto our website. I grunted out load several times and felt like banging my head against the desk. It was just as odd and stressful for Mike and Terry.
At lunch, Mike said he likes to buy something when he's stressed. He had the urge to go buy a new motorcycle. My urge is more practical, but just as unhealthy. I like to eat, especially treats. Between the stressful day and funny feeling at the back of my throat, I thought ice cream would soothe both my throat and my nerves.
On the way home, we got to talking about creepy child acts like Barney and the Wiggles. I brought up the best child act ever - Veggie Tales. I asked Morgan if she knew the Hairbrush song. Mike laughed and said it was a very fitting song for me right now. Got me to laughing. Said I needed to make that my ring tone!
So, we get home and I got set to watch the debate. However, I couldn't enjoy it like normal. As a matter of fact, it was driving me crazy. It was like listening to two siblings squabbling, trying convince Mom and Dad that it was the other's fault that the window broke.
I could already tell Romney won. Besides, I already knew who I was going to vote for and why. So, I pulled out my cell phone and attempted to find the Hairbrush song to make it my ring tone. Turns out to be quite simple, but it was very confusing for me, having never installed a non-custom ring tone. I then pulled out my laptop in order to google instructions on how to do it.
Before I knew it, the debate was forgotten. Larry the Cucumber won the fight for my focus and attention!
I stayed up until midnight and was still unable to figure it out. I decided to stop and try again with a fresh mind today. I finally figured it out!
My first phone call was my mechanic to tell me my car was ready. (I had to take it back today. Yesterday, they could not find anything wrong with the tires. They merely rotated them. The wobble moved from the front to the back, making it obvious to me that there was something wrong. They did a more thorough inspection and found the tread was separating from the tube.) When my phone rang with the new silly ring tone, Terry and Mike started laughing, making me laugh.
I have figured out that I use humor to get through cancer. I laugh and joke so much more than ever before these days. I make fun of myself and my situation. Veggie Tales is a good way to make me laugh.
I vote Larry for president!!!
Before watching the debate, Mike, Morgan, and I went to Dairy Queen for ice cream, something we do quite regularly these days. It was my suggestion. The day had been quite stressful. Started out rough. Every once in a while, I have a hard time taking deep breaths. When I can't breathe well, I sometimes start gagging, especially when I brush my teeth.
Yesterday morning, I woke up early. Since I was up early, I ate a bowl of cereal. (I usually eat poptarts at when I get to work.) Since I ate breakfast early, I vomited when I started gagging.
When I walked to my car to leave for work, I noticed my right front tire was flat. After filling it up, the shake that had developed got worse. Had to take my car to the shop. At work, I was having a very difficult time getting the crime stats tables right on our annual security report. Once I got those fixed, I had trouble getting it uploaded onto our website. I grunted out load several times and felt like banging my head against the desk. It was just as odd and stressful for Mike and Terry.
At lunch, Mike said he likes to buy something when he's stressed. He had the urge to go buy a new motorcycle. My urge is more practical, but just as unhealthy. I like to eat, especially treats. Between the stressful day and funny feeling at the back of my throat, I thought ice cream would soothe both my throat and my nerves.
On the way home, we got to talking about creepy child acts like Barney and the Wiggles. I brought up the best child act ever - Veggie Tales. I asked Morgan if she knew the Hairbrush song. Mike laughed and said it was a very fitting song for me right now. Got me to laughing. Said I needed to make that my ring tone!
So, we get home and I got set to watch the debate. However, I couldn't enjoy it like normal. As a matter of fact, it was driving me crazy. It was like listening to two siblings squabbling, trying convince Mom and Dad that it was the other's fault that the window broke.
I could already tell Romney won. Besides, I already knew who I was going to vote for and why. So, I pulled out my cell phone and attempted to find the Hairbrush song to make it my ring tone. Turns out to be quite simple, but it was very confusing for me, having never installed a non-custom ring tone. I then pulled out my laptop in order to google instructions on how to do it.
Before I knew it, the debate was forgotten. Larry the Cucumber won the fight for my focus and attention!
I stayed up until midnight and was still unable to figure it out. I decided to stop and try again with a fresh mind today. I finally figured it out!
My first phone call was my mechanic to tell me my car was ready. (I had to take it back today. Yesterday, they could not find anything wrong with the tires. They merely rotated them. The wobble moved from the front to the back, making it obvious to me that there was something wrong. They did a more thorough inspection and found the tread was separating from the tube.) When my phone rang with the new silly ring tone, Terry and Mike started laughing, making me laugh.
I have figured out that I use humor to get through cancer. I laugh and joke so much more than ever before these days. I make fun of myself and my situation. Veggie Tales is a good way to make me laugh.
I vote Larry for president!!!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Belmont Article - Coworkers Give Albracht Strength Through Adversity
Check out this article posted on the Belmont website:
Belmont folks, this will be in Friday's FYI
http://forum.belmont.edu/news/2012/10/01/coworkers-give-albracht-strength-through-adversity/
It began with a cough around the time of Nashville’s 2010 historic flood. For the next two years, doctors poked and prodded Investigations & Special Initiatives Major Renee Albracht. Treatment for allergies, asthma and a stomach bug proved unsuccessful until she saw a hematologist and spent a week in the hospital in June.
“I found out it was Hodgkin’s stage four, and I was elated to have an answer,” Albracht said through a smile.
Speaking about cancer with laughter, Albracht credits her great strength and resilience to the support of her coworkers.
“It has been a challenge because I am independent,” she said. “I quickly had to learn how to depend on other people and let them take care of me. I see this as my ministry. I have learned a lot about what’s important and what matters in life.”
The night before Albracht had her hair cut, Campus Security Major Mike Pruitt handed his clippers to her. She cut Pruitt’s hair as well as her dad’s hair into a low buzz, and the men then razor shaved their heads bald.
“It was in support of her and what she is going through to give her strength. Renee had a ball,” Pruitt said. Several other officers also shaved their heads bald, including Chief of Campus Security Terry White, who has kept up his cut since the summer. “The next day she said that it meant a lot, and it was a lot easier seeing everyone else looking like that.”
Albracht said, “It was so touching. To have that kind of support is amazing.”
Pruitt said he plans to shave his head again in November on the last day Albracht is scheduled to have chemotherapy treatment. They will race to see whose hair can grow back the fastest.
“I know she has had tough time. At the same time, you hear people say, ‘I love Belmont,’ but she really loves working at Belmont and wants to be a big part of it. I think it gives her strength to come to work and take her mind off it. She says that when she is at work, she is in her element. It’s nice to see her here,” Pruitt said.
Albracht has chemotherapy treatment every other Monday. On the days she is unable to patrol campus, she works from home updating the annual security report, maintaining the Campus Security website and patrolling Facebook to invite students to join the Campus Security Facebook page. Members of the Belmont community also have supported her with meals, hospital visits and cards. Lipscomb University and an independent instructor have taken over Albracht’s Rape Aggression Defense courses, a program of realistic self-
“I’ve always said it is like a family here. People genuinely care about each other. We take care of each other,” said Albracht, also a 2000 alumna who studied religion and youth ministry.“As Belmont grows, how do we keep our family values? It’s hiring the same kind of people with values and nurturing the students.”
Assisting Albracht with her biweekly chemotherapy sessions is Belmont alumna Lauren Whitworth (’10), a nurse at Tennessee Oncology at Baptist Hospital.
“She looked really familiar, so I asked her where she worked. I instantly remembered she had done a convocation on campus safety. That was something that has stuck with me: to always be aware of your surroundings,” Whitworth said. “I love being with Renee. I learn from her just seeing her go through treatment.”
Whitworth said Belmont is passing its values and sense of community on to students, as Albracht wishes.
“Belmont nursing program instructors really instilled it in us to take care of your patients first,” she said. “Caring is what truly matters.”
Belmont folks, this will be in Friday's FYI
http://forum.belmont.edu/news/2012/10/01/coworkers-give-albracht-strength-through-adversity/
It began with a cough around the time of Nashville’s 2010 historic flood. For the next two years, doctors poked and prodded Investigations & Special Initiatives Major Renee Albracht. Treatment for allergies, asthma and a stomach bug proved unsuccessful until she saw a hematologist and spent a week in the hospital in June.
“I found out it was Hodgkin’s stage four, and I was elated to have an answer,” Albracht said through a smile.
Speaking about cancer with laughter, Albracht credits her great strength and resilience to the support of her coworkers.
“It has been a challenge because I am independent,” she said. “I quickly had to learn how to depend on other people and let them take care of me. I see this as my ministry. I have learned a lot about what’s important and what matters in life.”
The night before Albracht had her hair cut, Campus Security Major Mike Pruitt handed his clippers to her. She cut Pruitt’s hair as well as her dad’s hair into a low buzz, and the men then razor shaved their heads bald.
“It was in support of her and what she is going through to give her strength. Renee had a ball,” Pruitt said. Several other officers also shaved their heads bald, including Chief of Campus Security Terry White, who has kept up his cut since the summer. “The next day she said that it meant a lot, and it was a lot easier seeing everyone else looking like that.”
Albracht said, “It was so touching. To have that kind of support is amazing.”
Pruitt said he plans to shave his head again in November on the last day Albracht is scheduled to have chemotherapy treatment. They will race to see whose hair can grow back the fastest.
“I know she has had tough time. At the same time, you hear people say, ‘I love Belmont,’ but she really loves working at Belmont and wants to be a big part of it. I think it gives her strength to come to work and take her mind off it. She says that when she is at work, she is in her element. It’s nice to see her here,” Pruitt said.
Albracht has chemotherapy treatment every other Monday. On the days she is unable to patrol campus, she works from home updating the annual security report, maintaining the Campus Security website and patrolling Facebook to invite students to join the Campus Security Facebook page. Members of the Belmont community also have supported her with meals, hospital visits and cards. Lipscomb University and an independent instructor have taken over Albracht’s Rape Aggression Defense courses, a program of realistic self-
“I’ve always said it is like a family here. People genuinely care about each other. We take care of each other,” said Albracht, also a 2000 alumna who studied religion and youth ministry.“As Belmont grows, how do we keep our family values? It’s hiring the same kind of people with values and nurturing the students.”
Assisting Albracht with her biweekly chemotherapy sessions is Belmont alumna Lauren Whitworth (’10), a nurse at Tennessee Oncology at Baptist Hospital.
“She looked really familiar, so I asked her where she worked. I instantly remembered she had done a convocation on campus safety. That was something that has stuck with me: to always be aware of your surroundings,” Whitworth said. “I love being with Renee. I learn from her just seeing her go through treatment.”
Whitworth said Belmont is passing its values and sense of community on to students, as Albracht wishes.
“Belmont nursing program instructors really instilled it in us to take care of your patients first,” she said. “Caring is what truly matters.”
Monsters and Demons
After a great day on Saturday, I hit a self-induced rough patch on Sunday.
Church and the activities fair/walk after was fun although I am at the point where I want to quit wearing the wig even to church. I went up for prayer time and others gathered with me to pray. I don't know if the lights from the front are hotter, but I always seem to get a hot flash up there. On my knees, trying to focus on prayer, and all I could think about was how hot and light headed I felt and how badly I just wanted to rip that plastic off my head! What do you think, church family, if I wore a covering, but no wig to church?
I didn't stay at the walk for long. Being up and about in that crowd tired me out. Got some good information on some things I would like to get involved with and had some ideas of my own. May email the pastor about those ideas later. I am reluctant to do that, though, because the one with the idea usually ends up spear heading it. I don't think I'm qualified, but it is a program I think is very important. There needs to be some kind of next step program for new Christians. I got the idea from my friend, Amber. After she was saved, she thought she was supposed to be perfect. She struggled with her demons. I haven't heard from her in a while. A few weeks ago, I found out she left Belmont and went back to Texas. She never said goodbye or gave me any indication that she planned on leaving. I have not been able to get in touch with her. I can't help but wonder how she is doing.
The reason I don't think I'm qualified is because I never had that conversion experience. Since I have been a believer since a very early age, I can only empathize with their struggles. I think someone who has been there needs to lead such a group. I suppose I can explain this to the pastor.
Anyway, I was super excited to get home. There are two games a year I have to watch -- both Titans vs. Texans. Before going home to watch the game, I picked up a pizza from Little Caesar's. The bad thing about being sick in bed watching television is having commercials stick in your head and influence bad decisions.
I know acidic based products can hurt if I have mouth sores. I didn't have mouth sores, but the last time I ate pizza, I got sick to my stomach. Thought I'd try it again, though. I miss pizza. One piece of pizza and a few cheese sticks later, I thought I was having a heart attack. The heart burn was torturous! I went and laid in bed suffering through the game, hoping to fall asleep. Luckily, the game wasn't that entertaining. The Texans clobbered the Titans! (Yippee - they are 4 - 0)
I took Tums and Prilosec and nothing worked. I was supposed to go back to church at 4:00 pm for a volunteer meeting for next weekend. I could not go.
When the pain finally went away, I went to the grocery store. I could feel the effects, even without the heartburn, of having not eaten well all week. I needed fruit and other healthy alternatives. So, I ate a fruit salad for dinner. Mistake number two! The pineapple caused the heartburn to flare back up. I didn't even think about pineapple being acidic. Mike gave me Zantac. I took that before bed and woke up feeling better! The acidic demon finally left!
Last Sunday, I heard a preacher on the radio discuss one of the biggest problems in marriages is a lack of genuine communication. Couples talk all the time, but it's about the kids or work or what bills need to be paid this month or what they need from the grocery store. Real, heart to heart communication dies after marriage and especially after kids. He said that couples need to take time for themselves to communicate. They need to ask each other, not how are you, but how is your spirit? Then, you need to be available to truly listen. I thought about how true that was in my own marriage and how poorly we failed when we tried. Instead, we both waited until we were in front of a counselor before we said what was really on our minds. Bad thing is, we didn't even communicate well before marriage. We simply stunk at the whole communication thing. That, I am convinced, is what ultimately destroyed our marriage. Everything else were mere symptoms of poor communication.
Mike and I, on the other hand, although only friends and not romantically involved, used to be great at this. Our time working on the green house was a great time for us to share our burdens and really bond. Unfortunately, we lost this after my diagnosis and after Morgan moved in. Even though we are merely friends, our living arrangement resembles a marriage in a lot of ways.
So, after Morgan went to bed last night, I asked him the question. We had such a good talk. We shared like we haven't shared in months. One thing we discussed was our past relationships and future potentials. I told him how comfortable I am with my ex. He spent the week with me and it felt so natural with him laying in bed with me rubbing my back when I asked him to. There was nothing sexual about it. It simply felt comfortable.
One day, my sister called and asked what we were doing. I told her we were in bed watching a movie. She asked which movie. I told her "Friends with Benefits." She laughed and teased me about Brad. I know she was just teasing, but it really got me to thinking again about relationships.
A week or so before that, a boy I dated when I was 19 or 20 chatted with me on Facebook then gave me a call. He didn't know about the cancer. Somehow, our conversation turned to sex. He asked how long it had been and I told him the truth. Not since I was married. He could not believe it. He said no human adult could go two years without sex. I was sitting on my bed while having this conversation. There is a full length mirror on the wall across from the bed. I looked at myself in the mirror and just smiled a sad smile.
I have never been a very sexual person. Sex never mattered much to me. (That is definitely one of the problems that led to things that led to my divorce. Lack of communication still tops that, though!) Now, though, I feel completely a-sexual. I don't feel like a woman or a man. I don't feel attractive one bit. As a matter of fact, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a monster.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I look hideous. I still see the same face and know my inner beauty still shines through. But, I cannot see how I could ever be sexually appealing to any man. I'm bald. I have lost all my muscle mass. And I have this hideous scar on my neck. I also have this ugly port protruding from my left breast.
Just because I think I look unappealing to the opposite sex does not mean I feel sorry for myself. Sex and men are the last thing on my mind these days. It just seems like so many others have brought it up lately. I have even made a joke out of it. Actually, my ex made a joke out of it and I expanded on the joke.
We once saw an add for christianmingle.com. He said I should post on that site and state how I am bald and am not interested in sex. I laughed about this with other friends and said I would post "single bald female going through cancer looking for a man to simply cuddle and rub my head. Do not believe in pre-marital sex and never intend on getting married ever again. Interested?"
One friend laughed and told me to watch out. There might be a man out there with a bald head fetish who would take me up on that offer!!!
Anyway, Mike and I talked about this some last night. He tried to reassure me that I was still attractive. Didn't matter, though. I simply cannot see past this cancer right now. A small part of me imagines my ex getting his life on track and us getting back together. The realist in me thinks we are better off as friends and if we did get back together, nothing would change and we'd be right back where we were. Another part of me sees me with someone else and finally having a family and adopting children. A bigger part of me sees me alone.
Again, this isn't feeling sorry for myself. I don't think being alone is necessarily a bad thing. Like Paul says, and I paraphrase, if I am not married, I am not attached to the worries of the world. I can fully focus on the works of God. That doesn't seem like such a bad route for me! Besides, I have extremely high expectations for any man I may end up with in the future. Foremost is that he MUST be the spiritual head of the household and act accordingly. I know there are men out there who meet every single criteria I have. I go to church with some. I just don't know if God has one in store for me.
Well, that's a matter for a later time. My focus now is on getting healthy. With that said, I am reminded about what happened in church yesterday, another matter I discussed with Mike last night. We sang a song about God being everything and making Him our everything and others being able to see Christ in everything in us. As I sang, I got choked up at times and tears ran down my cheeks. I didn't try to stop them.
I knew I haven't been praying formally or reading my Bible or even writing in my Thanksgiving journal the past few weeks. I still feel close to God and talk to Him constantly, but I have not been putting forth an effort. During this song, it hit me as to why.
This cancer is getting hard. People ask me how this week went and I have to say, it was less difficult this round, but it still sucked. The psychological pain is growing and my mental fatigue has just about taken over. I'm so mentally tired. I spend even good weeks watching a lot of television. When I am not physically sick, I do as much as possible. I read an entire book this weekend between all my other activities and football watching. The truth is, the harder cancer becomes mentally, the more I check out of my real life. If I spend time in prayer, I am smack dab in reality. If I read the book I started that my mom gave me about a priest's experience with cancer, I am smack dab in real life. If I read the new book I ordered by Max Lucado about grace, I am smack dab in the middle of real life. I don't want to be. I want to escape and pretend all is right with the world.
During prayer time at church, instead of being anointed and praying for myself, I prayed for others in need. This was my way of making amends. It's still hard, though. Instead of praying or reading the Bible before bed, I finished the fictional book I was reading. Escapism.
It's strange, but even writing my blogs is a form of escapism. It's as if I'm writing about a character in one of my books. Truth be told, this will probably become a character some day!
*I am going to start posting simultaneously on this blog and CaringBridge. Too many people are having problems accessing this site or are unable to leave comments. I received a card in the mail this week from a friend at church. She said she was unable to post coments on this site and didn't want me to think she had forgotten about me or wasn't thinking about me. How sweet is that!!! So, you can now go to whichever site you prefer. They will both say the exact same thing!
Church and the activities fair/walk after was fun although I am at the point where I want to quit wearing the wig even to church. I went up for prayer time and others gathered with me to pray. I don't know if the lights from the front are hotter, but I always seem to get a hot flash up there. On my knees, trying to focus on prayer, and all I could think about was how hot and light headed I felt and how badly I just wanted to rip that plastic off my head! What do you think, church family, if I wore a covering, but no wig to church?
I didn't stay at the walk for long. Being up and about in that crowd tired me out. Got some good information on some things I would like to get involved with and had some ideas of my own. May email the pastor about those ideas later. I am reluctant to do that, though, because the one with the idea usually ends up spear heading it. I don't think I'm qualified, but it is a program I think is very important. There needs to be some kind of next step program for new Christians. I got the idea from my friend, Amber. After she was saved, she thought she was supposed to be perfect. She struggled with her demons. I haven't heard from her in a while. A few weeks ago, I found out she left Belmont and went back to Texas. She never said goodbye or gave me any indication that she planned on leaving. I have not been able to get in touch with her. I can't help but wonder how she is doing.
The reason I don't think I'm qualified is because I never had that conversion experience. Since I have been a believer since a very early age, I can only empathize with their struggles. I think someone who has been there needs to lead such a group. I suppose I can explain this to the pastor.
Anyway, I was super excited to get home. There are two games a year I have to watch -- both Titans vs. Texans. Before going home to watch the game, I picked up a pizza from Little Caesar's. The bad thing about being sick in bed watching television is having commercials stick in your head and influence bad decisions.
I know acidic based products can hurt if I have mouth sores. I didn't have mouth sores, but the last time I ate pizza, I got sick to my stomach. Thought I'd try it again, though. I miss pizza. One piece of pizza and a few cheese sticks later, I thought I was having a heart attack. The heart burn was torturous! I went and laid in bed suffering through the game, hoping to fall asleep. Luckily, the game wasn't that entertaining. The Texans clobbered the Titans! (Yippee - they are 4 - 0)
I took Tums and Prilosec and nothing worked. I was supposed to go back to church at 4:00 pm for a volunteer meeting for next weekend. I could not go.
When the pain finally went away, I went to the grocery store. I could feel the effects, even without the heartburn, of having not eaten well all week. I needed fruit and other healthy alternatives. So, I ate a fruit salad for dinner. Mistake number two! The pineapple caused the heartburn to flare back up. I didn't even think about pineapple being acidic. Mike gave me Zantac. I took that before bed and woke up feeling better! The acidic demon finally left!
Last Sunday, I heard a preacher on the radio discuss one of the biggest problems in marriages is a lack of genuine communication. Couples talk all the time, but it's about the kids or work or what bills need to be paid this month or what they need from the grocery store. Real, heart to heart communication dies after marriage and especially after kids. He said that couples need to take time for themselves to communicate. They need to ask each other, not how are you, but how is your spirit? Then, you need to be available to truly listen. I thought about how true that was in my own marriage and how poorly we failed when we tried. Instead, we both waited until we were in front of a counselor before we said what was really on our minds. Bad thing is, we didn't even communicate well before marriage. We simply stunk at the whole communication thing. That, I am convinced, is what ultimately destroyed our marriage. Everything else were mere symptoms of poor communication.
Mike and I, on the other hand, although only friends and not romantically involved, used to be great at this. Our time working on the green house was a great time for us to share our burdens and really bond. Unfortunately, we lost this after my diagnosis and after Morgan moved in. Even though we are merely friends, our living arrangement resembles a marriage in a lot of ways.
So, after Morgan went to bed last night, I asked him the question. We had such a good talk. We shared like we haven't shared in months. One thing we discussed was our past relationships and future potentials. I told him how comfortable I am with my ex. He spent the week with me and it felt so natural with him laying in bed with me rubbing my back when I asked him to. There was nothing sexual about it. It simply felt comfortable.
One day, my sister called and asked what we were doing. I told her we were in bed watching a movie. She asked which movie. I told her "Friends with Benefits." She laughed and teased me about Brad. I know she was just teasing, but it really got me to thinking again about relationships.
A week or so before that, a boy I dated when I was 19 or 20 chatted with me on Facebook then gave me a call. He didn't know about the cancer. Somehow, our conversation turned to sex. He asked how long it had been and I told him the truth. Not since I was married. He could not believe it. He said no human adult could go two years without sex. I was sitting on my bed while having this conversation. There is a full length mirror on the wall across from the bed. I looked at myself in the mirror and just smiled a sad smile.
I have never been a very sexual person. Sex never mattered much to me. (That is definitely one of the problems that led to things that led to my divorce. Lack of communication still tops that, though!) Now, though, I feel completely a-sexual. I don't feel like a woman or a man. I don't feel attractive one bit. As a matter of fact, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a monster.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I look hideous. I still see the same face and know my inner beauty still shines through. But, I cannot see how I could ever be sexually appealing to any man. I'm bald. I have lost all my muscle mass. And I have this hideous scar on my neck. I also have this ugly port protruding from my left breast.
Just because I think I look unappealing to the opposite sex does not mean I feel sorry for myself. Sex and men are the last thing on my mind these days. It just seems like so many others have brought it up lately. I have even made a joke out of it. Actually, my ex made a joke out of it and I expanded on the joke.
We once saw an add for christianmingle.com. He said I should post on that site and state how I am bald and am not interested in sex. I laughed about this with other friends and said I would post "single bald female going through cancer looking for a man to simply cuddle and rub my head. Do not believe in pre-marital sex and never intend on getting married ever again. Interested?"
One friend laughed and told me to watch out. There might be a man out there with a bald head fetish who would take me up on that offer!!!
Anyway, Mike and I talked about this some last night. He tried to reassure me that I was still attractive. Didn't matter, though. I simply cannot see past this cancer right now. A small part of me imagines my ex getting his life on track and us getting back together. The realist in me thinks we are better off as friends and if we did get back together, nothing would change and we'd be right back where we were. Another part of me sees me with someone else and finally having a family and adopting children. A bigger part of me sees me alone.
Again, this isn't feeling sorry for myself. I don't think being alone is necessarily a bad thing. Like Paul says, and I paraphrase, if I am not married, I am not attached to the worries of the world. I can fully focus on the works of God. That doesn't seem like such a bad route for me! Besides, I have extremely high expectations for any man I may end up with in the future. Foremost is that he MUST be the spiritual head of the household and act accordingly. I know there are men out there who meet every single criteria I have. I go to church with some. I just don't know if God has one in store for me.
Well, that's a matter for a later time. My focus now is on getting healthy. With that said, I am reminded about what happened in church yesterday, another matter I discussed with Mike last night. We sang a song about God being everything and making Him our everything and others being able to see Christ in everything in us. As I sang, I got choked up at times and tears ran down my cheeks. I didn't try to stop them.
I knew I haven't been praying formally or reading my Bible or even writing in my Thanksgiving journal the past few weeks. I still feel close to God and talk to Him constantly, but I have not been putting forth an effort. During this song, it hit me as to why.
This cancer is getting hard. People ask me how this week went and I have to say, it was less difficult this round, but it still sucked. The psychological pain is growing and my mental fatigue has just about taken over. I'm so mentally tired. I spend even good weeks watching a lot of television. When I am not physically sick, I do as much as possible. I read an entire book this weekend between all my other activities and football watching. The truth is, the harder cancer becomes mentally, the more I check out of my real life. If I spend time in prayer, I am smack dab in reality. If I read the book I started that my mom gave me about a priest's experience with cancer, I am smack dab in real life. If I read the new book I ordered by Max Lucado about grace, I am smack dab in the middle of real life. I don't want to be. I want to escape and pretend all is right with the world.
During prayer time at church, instead of being anointed and praying for myself, I prayed for others in need. This was my way of making amends. It's still hard, though. Instead of praying or reading the Bible before bed, I finished the fictional book I was reading. Escapism.
It's strange, but even writing my blogs is a form of escapism. It's as if I'm writing about a character in one of my books. Truth be told, this will probably become a character some day!
*I am going to start posting simultaneously on this blog and CaringBridge. Too many people are having problems accessing this site or are unable to leave comments. I received a card in the mail this week from a friend at church. She said she was unable to post coments on this site and didn't want me to think she had forgotten about me or wasn't thinking about me. How sweet is that!!! So, you can now go to whichever site you prefer. They will both say the exact same thing!
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