For the past two days I have been feeling angry. It is normal for me to start feeling a bit bitter when my brain is clear, but body is still weak. However, it seemed to be worse this time...and...it seemed to be worse today than yesterday. I have not been able to sleep well the past few nights. I thought this might have something to do with it, but I didn't feel tired during the day.
Today, I still felt kind of yucky. I still don't have a lot of energy. I am also still having a little trouble breathing which, in turn, makes me feel a little pukey. However, I also felt extremely suffocated this morning. I tried to sit outside and read, but I could not focus beyond a few pages. It was cool and dreary outside, but I decided to go for a walk anyway. Mom and Bailey came with me. The walk was nice, but it was not long and did not alleviate my building anxiety.
Since the walk did not cure my suffocated feeling, I suggested we go somewhere for lunch. We went to KFC, another restaurant I will no longer be able to go to for a while. It is usually bland enough for me, but I could taste the pepper in my nuggets and fries. My pallet is becoming unbelievably sensitive to pepper. I can only eat bland meals!
Although the food was only okay, the conversation was great. In talking with my mom, I realized why my mood was so much more somber than usual.
For one, I may only have three sessions left, but I am becoming more impatient with it. Ever since my last pet scan, I have firmly believed that I was cancer free. Before the actual scan, they gave me a radiation shot then made me sit still in a dark room for 45 -60 minutes. During that wait, I felt overcome with the Holy Spirit and just knew I was cancer free. When the pet scan came back negative, it reinforced what I already knew.
I understand the doctor's desire to continue with the full treatment. I get wanting to attack it hard since I am otherwise healthy and young enough to endure it and I would much rather go through this now then find out in a few months that the cancer has returned. However, ever since I became convinced that I was basically cured, going through the motions has been difficult.
To make this week worse than most is the fact that this is the time of year when I go to my annual retreat to Gethsemane, the monastery in Kentucky. This is my ME vacation, my time of year to decompress and spend solitude time with God. One more thing I was missing because of my sickness.
Instead of becoming more agitated with this revelation, a weight seemed to lift. Since I knew what was wrong, I could talk about it and deal with it. It's easier to deal with my anger when I know what's causing it.
The rest of the day went well. I spent the entire afternoon reading. After about two or three hours of reading, I stopped and thought, "Wow! I'm reading!" That in and of itself is a huge deal. Means my chemo brain is gone. There were days this week I tried to read, but couldn't even focus on the fifth grade readers my sister gave me! Today, I was sucked into one of those simple books! Gotta love it!!!
When Mike got home, he mentioned being too tired to go to a festival with a friend. I told him to blow off that friend and go out to eat with me and my mom. I had told her that we would have leftovers for dinner, but I was feeling rather good mentally and wanted to get out of the house again.
We went to the Olive Garden. Bad thing is I can't eat my favorite - Chicken Parmesan - because I cannot eat tomato based products. Tomato based products are right up there with pepper and spices. Good thing is I have not lost my taste for the chocolate mouse pie!!! Don't worry, Tori, Mom has fed me healthy all week. Plus, since I cannot eat very flavorful meals, I had soup with spinach and grilled chicken for dinner! Besides, I deserved a treat! This is the first time I have been out and about this soon during a chemo week. That is certainly worth celebrating!
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