Math Problems

It hit me today just how bad the chemo brain has gotten. While driving home, after picking up Bailey from her daddy's house where she spent her birthday, I realized that Bailey is six, not seven. She was born in 2006. Bad Momma!!!





Bailey checks out her birthday cake!

 

Bailey enjoys her birthday present!





Dog park for her birthday!























At work today, I was working on a report that required some very basic math skills - figuring percentages. I have always been good at basic math and this is something I once knew how to do. Figuring out percentages is a simple matter of plugging numbers into a one sentence word problem. For the life of me, I could not figure out what the heck I was doing! I came up with three different numbers! Luckily, Mike reminded me how to check my equation and I was able to figure it out.

The whole experience stressed me out. I have made simple, stupid mathematical mistakes such as joking with my boss by telling him I would stay at Belmont if I could have a faculty work schedule, work ten months, be off three. But, I have never made mistakes when I actually gave it some thought!

I have always double and triple checked my work. Today, I had to quadruple that check. The whole experience, plus aging my baby by an entire year really made me realize how serious this chemo brain thing really is.

The doctors have told me that any of the side effects may be permanent. I know they have to say that. There's just no knowing for sure. I am sure I will regain my taste buds, my brain function, and activity level. I'm sure the aches and pains are temporary. I even predict the menopause type effects will be temporary. However, only time will tell.

On another note, my mood has improved. An old high school friend posted something on facebook and I read the same sort of message in my Jesus Calling devotional that my mom got me. Both talked about how God will get me through and how when I find myself in pity and despair, I should realize that my focus has shifted and turn back to God. He was obviously trying to tell me something.

After session six, when I felt "cured" yet still need to go through six more treatments, I have found my mood turning sour and me withdrawing from God. I don't know why. I suppose I was mad at Him for making me go through this.

For whatever reason, I found it difficult to take that first step toward Him again. But, with His strength and encouragement, I did it. I started on my knees then just sank to the floor and cried. I didn't say much. I let my tears be my prayer. Then, I pulled out my thanksgiving journal for the first time in a while and wrote in it. Then, I read the Bible some. Then, I started reading my Max Lucado book on grace. That brought more tears to my eyes. It convicted me and healed me. The anger and bitterness went away. I slept peacefully without the aid of medication.

I had an extremely busy and productive day at work. Some of my new job responsibilities are things I have wanted to do for a long time. They serve the annal part of me - everything has it's place and I was able to give order to something I thought lacked order.

There are a lot of changes going on in the department, all necessary as Belmont continues to grow, but I sometimes wonder how others take what I am doing. I have told them that some things I will not be able to give my full attention to until I am back to work full time. However, it seems like I am coming in like a steam roller in other areas. I just hope nobody thinks I'm trying to make a statement about the incompetency of the person who's role I am jointly taking over. That is not the case at all. I'm simply trying to do as much as I can when I can. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. I am simply doing my job and trying to do it well.

On the way home, I listened to my Bon Jovi CDs. It occurred to me that I owe a great deal of my confidence, bordering on cockiness, to Bon Jovi. So many of their songs have shaped me over the years, especially all the "you-can-do-it" anthems I so loved during my darkest, lowest self-esteem moments of my youth.

As I got closer to home, one of my more recent favorites, Story of My Life, came on. The lyrics touched me and seemed to fit this moment in my life so well.

Story of My Life

Yesterdays a memory
Another page in history
You sell yourself on hopes and dreams
That leaves you feeling sideways.
Tripping over my own feet
Trying to walk to my own beat
Another car out on the street trying to find the Highway
Yeah, Are you going my way?

[Chorus]
This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but grey
I know that no I'm not alright, but I feel ok cos
Anything can, everything can happen
That's the story of my life
I gonna write the melody
That's gonna make history,
And when I paint my masterpiece I swear I'll show you first
There just ain't a way to see who and why or what will be
Till now is then
It's a mystery, it's a blessing and a curse
Or something worse

[Chorus]
I've been thinking maybe you can help me write that story of my life
Hey what do you say?

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday,
And I hope you're by my side when I'm writing the last page

[Chorus x2]