Every Song is a Memory

What can I say about the Bon Jovi concert and live Q&A on the big screen? What would anyone who knows me even a little expect me to say? It was absolutely amazing and went by too fast.

During the live Q&A, I stared with adolescent adoration at my hero. Fifty years old and still unbelievably gorgeous! And, how funny those men are! They had me laughing out loud on several occasions. We were able to text and tweet questions. Unfortunately, with this broadcast around the world, my question was not chosen.

The concert - it was extremely difficult to stay in the moment because every song is a memory. Having been a fan for almost twenty seven years, I can chronicle my life using Bon Jovi songs.

There's Living on a Prayer, the song that started it all. I sat in my cousin Jessie's basement in Columbus, Nebraska playing, MTV in the background. Living on a Prayer came on. I thought it was a catchy tune and I turned my head to face the screen. At that moment, Jon Bon Jovi turned his head toward the camera and smiled. That smile. I fell in love at that moment and have been in love ever since.

Songs like Stick to Your Guns and Keep the Faith kept me going during the difficult days of my childhood before I gained self confidence. Their music kept me sane and kept me from doing something stupid. Their songs gave me hope.

More recently, their songs kept me going during the hardest days of cancer. Songs like Thank You for Loving Me and Love Me Back to Life were my prayers with God.

"Love Me Back to Life"

This world don't give you nothing it can't take away
Everybody holding on to something
Nobody wants to fade away

No forgiveness on the streets of this town
I left my patience at a traffic light
There's no denying that I almost lost it
Threw in the towel, too tired to fight

Tonight I need you
More than yesterday
Tonight I need you

Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life

When I was angry and was feeling like kicking cancer's butt, I would listen to songs like Have a Nice Day.

Ohhh, if there's one thing I hang onto,
That gets me through the night.
I ain't gonna do what I don't want to,
I'm gonna live my life.
Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice,
Standing on the ledge, I show the wind how to fly.
When the world gets in my face,
I say, Have A Nice Day.
Have A Nice Day.

When The world keeps trying, to drag me down,
I gotta raise my hands, I'm gonna stand my ground.
Well I say, Have A Nice Day.

I heard Jon say Have a Nice Day is a nice way of giving life the finger. This was my way of giving cancer the finger.

Bounce picked me up and gave me strength to keep fighting!

This ain't no game; I play it hard
Kicked around, cut, stitched and scarred
I'll take the hit but not the fall
I know no fear, still standing tall
You can call it karma, call it luck
Me, I just don't give a

Bounce, Bounce Nothing's gonna keep me down
Bounce, Bounce Stand up, shout it out
Bounce, Bounce I play hard, I play to win
Count me out, count me in
I'll be bouncing back again

During my more mellow and accepting moods, songs like Story of My Life and Welcome to Wherever You Are encouraged me.

And no matter what mood I was in, Love's the Only Rule would make any bad mood better and pump up good moods. I would turn it up loud and play it over and over again.


I don't give a damn how it's supposed to be
That might work for you
It don't work for me

You write your truth and I'll write mine
One man's ceiling's
Another man's sky high

Flying like an aeroplane
Cryi Like the lonely whistle of a long black train
Dance in the pouring rain
Spit in the eye of a hurricane
Who said life has got to be so cruel
Love's the only rule

It's written in the scars
Where I fit in
It's going to hurt sometimes
You got to lose to win

You've got your sins
And I got mine
Sell your secrets kiss them all goodbye

They didn't sing all these songs tonight, but they sang many songs that brought many memories. On the way home, I listened to Bon Jovi CDs and thought of more.

As I watched and listened and remembered just how big of an impact Bon Jovi has made on my life, I wished there was a way I could thank them. I tried. My text was not a question, but a thank you. I knew it was little chance my text would be read, but I gave it a shot.

I am fully aware that it wasn't Bon Jovi music alone that got me through these past six months. Christian music and tons of people also helped get me through it. I am also fully aware that my story is probably not that unique. I am sure there are tons of fans with stories worse than mine who claim that Bon Jovi music helped them through dark times. Still, there is something profoundly therapeutic in their music and I wish there was some way I could let them know just how special they are and just how much they mean to people like me.

As the credits rolled, they showed photos of fans with their special signs and shirts. My favorite was a woman with a sign that read "my husband hates you!" I joked with myself thinking I should have a special t-shirt to wear or sign to take with me to the concert when Bon Jovi plays live here in Nashville on March 6th. The shirt/sign would say "Bon Jovi music helped me kick cancer's ass!"

Post Chemo Anxiety

Mom is gone and I am back at work. I went to a function today and spoke with many people across campus, including the president of the university, about the end of chemo and upcoming tests. All congratulated me and let me know they continue to pray for me.

I don't feel it so much today. Getting back into a routine has helped ease my anxiety, but the days after chemo, I started to stress over those things I cannot control.

It started as a joke. I told Mike that I wanted to go to a celebratory dinner Monday night if I received the news I expected to receive. If I received bad news, he would have to pry me out of the fetal position. He said we would then have to go out for some comfort food. I curled up in a ball in my chair and stuck my thumb in my mouth, mimicking what I would look like sitting in a restaurant after having received bad news from the doctor.

Everyone I have spoken with tells me I will hear good news. I believe this as well. However, I know well enough that just because we all want it will not necessarily make it so. Until I get the official word from the doctor, I can only hope.

I know that all things considered, the likelihood of a bad report is slim. My last pet scan came back negative. I never had to get shots to replenish my red blood cells and they prepared me for that likelihood, even telling me it was normal for that point in my treatment. This all tells me that my body, although still anemic, is making its own blood, a very positive sign.

After two and a half years of being sick and other hardships, it's now hard for me to imagine a healthy life. I think I am somewhat afraid of it, afraid of being happy again. I am so used to being sick, what is it going to feel like to be healthy? I am not saying I want to stay sick, it's just that I have gotten used to it. But, as a friend of mine said, and I paraphrase, a battered woman gets used to being abused. Doesn't make it right or doesn't mean she can't be happy. It's simply hard to leave what we know.

I am ready to leave what I know. I am simply afraid of either not getting to enjoy the good for long or of not living up to what I have learned.

Two sources of my recent anxiety:

1) Not getting to enjoy health for long.

I fear getting a good report from the doctor on Monday and feeling great for a few months. Then, my body stops making its own blood again and I am right back where I have been for the past six months. I don't know if I can go through this again. Who knows what I can do when faced with it. I met several women who have gone through treatment more than once. One woman I met was going through it for the fifth time. Hopefully, I will be one of the fortunate ones. All I can do now is take it one day at a time and leave the rest up to God. As the saying goes, if He brings me to it, He can get me through it.

2) Not living up to what I have learned.

I have spent the past six months thinking about the kind of person I want to be. What if I get into a post-chemo routine and fall right back into who I was, never living up to who I could be? Who God wants me to be? What if I forget or discard all the lessons He taught me about love and humility? As the same friend said, and again I paraphrase, God would not have brought me this far to let me go.

I agree with that yet I know I have my part in it. People, even Christians, turn their backs on God every day. All I can say is I think the mere fact that this concerns me suggests that I will not let that happen to me. I think the changes are here to stay. I think my life will be lived out better and stronger because of what I have learned.

Well, I am looking forward to moving on. I am starting right now. Tonight, the theaters are showing a one night only  Bon Jovi concert with a live Q&A beforehand. I am on my way!!!

Lady Looks Like a Dude

Yesterday morning after releasing my balloons, I spent quite some time updating my blog and Facebook page. While doing so, I rewatched the video of me ringing the gong. It's strange what I remember and what I don't remember. I was feeling quite groggy, but I do remember thinking I needed to ring that gong loud and not simply tap it. I do not remember raising my arms in victory.

The big surprise was seeing what my hairline truly looked like. I could tell that it was thicker on the sides than it was on top. I had even made jokes that I looked like my boss before he started shaving his entire head. I had no idea just how bad it was until I saw myself bending over on the video and saw the back of my head. I truly did have a balding man/receding hairline look. The sides and back were thick, but I had a thinner line all across the top.

No wonder people keep mistaking me for a dude! I quit wearing my wig and don't always wear a cap. When they see the receding hairline, what else would they think? Other than the thinning eyebrows and loss of eyelashes, I don't look sickly. I have actually gained almost fifteen pounds since I started treatment! (Granted, I had lost about ten when I was sick just before I got diagnosed so I technically gained back the ten I lost and regained five additional pounds.)

Anyway, it did not upset me. Simply made me laugh. After watching that video though, I decided to shave my head again and to keep shaving it until all my hair starts growing back thick and even!

I sent Mike a text and told him what I had done and why. He teased me by reversing the lines of an Areosmith song and saying, "Lady looks like a dude!" He then said I was the best looking dude he'd ever seen! Mike is a great, sweet friend! Can make me laugh and make me feel better about a situation all at the same time!

Yesterday afternoon, I went back to the doctor to get my shot to replenish my white blood cells. I got some good news! I didn't know if I was going to have to keep getting that shot for a while still or not. I already got good news that I still did not need the shot for the red blood cells. I am still somewhat anemic, but not bad enough to warrant that shot. This is good news because it is normal for people going through what I am going through to need that shot. For me not to need it means my body is making its own blood and doing relatively well. Yesterday, the nurse told me that this was my last shot for my white blood cells. I do not have to continue with those shots now that chemo is over. Yippie!!!

Now, on to today's update! I slept well and woke up feeling rather well. As the day has progressed, I have noticed the chemo brain setting in somewhat and my body slowing down. I still feel fine, but I can tell I am getting weaker. My mood, as you can imagine, is still extremely upbeat. I still can't believe this is my last chemo week.

Hopefully, I will be able to stay awake and enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow. Not only am I blessed to have my mom and step dad here. It is also going to be an awesome football day - Texans, Cowboys, and Saints - all in one day! I hope I can enjoy each game!!! If I can at least stay awake for the Texans game and enjoy some good food, the day will be a success!

I am thankful to God for carrying me through this and for each and every one of you for praying me through this and loving me through this.

Going to try to get some work done now. In case I do not get online tomorrow, Happy Thanksgiving!

Interpreting a Dream

I had to share this message I got from a family member and friend. Love the interpretation of my dream!

Written Nov 18, 2012 11:25pm

Hi Renee,

Jon Bon Jovi wow!!! nice dream.  I don't know how to interpret dreams but it seems seems to me part of it was the cancer and the chemo trying to knock you out,  you kept getting back up and kept on fighting and you won.  The people at your party were your family, friends and strangers being there for you in person, thoughts, prayers and just cheering you on.  It was Jesus Christ who came to you and sat down with you.  Jesus Christ is a gentleman who doesn't intrude.  He came to you when you invited him to be part of your life.  Isn't he awesome!!!

We will be praying for you and with you tomorrow and hoping you recover well from this last treatment.
Take Care,

Love,
Terri

Releasing the Balloons

This morning, Mom, Tony, and I woke up early so that I could release my balloons before Mike and Morgan left for work and school. They are leaving this afternoon to spend the holidays with his folks in Arkansas.

I tried to get them all in the video with me, but they all said it was my moment and I should do it alone. I think they were all too chicken to be in the video !!! ;)

The cool thing is that these balloons were multicolored and there was only one lime green balloon. Yet, the lime green balloon broke away from the rest first and floated off on its own.

More Than a Doctor and Gratitude

There was so much to say in my last blog. I forgot to tell about the kindness of my doctor during today's visit. Instead of editing my last blog, I felt like this story deserved an entry of its own.

I have told several stories about being mistaken for a male. It happened again Sunday night at Walmart. I was even wearing one of my new hats I bought specifically so people wouldn't think I was a dude. I had just picked up my mom and step dad from the airport. We went to Walmart to get groceries before meeting friends for dinner. I was handing my mom a pan for the turkey. My step dad was somewhere else looking for another item. A female worker commented on how nice it was that my mom was able to get a man to help with the shopping. Neither of us corrected her.

While we waited for my doctor visit this morning, I heard a female nurse tell Dr. Meluch who was in the waiting room. He opened the door and saw it was me. He said, "It's not (whatever his name is). It's Troy!" He then joked about how I could be mistaken for a man because of my hair. I told him it happened all the time. I was used to it. He was very close to me and looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'll tell you exactly what you are. You are beautiful." How sweet!!!

While he was examining me, he asked me if I had been working throughout this journey. I told him I had. As a matter of fact, I went to work that morning before coming for treatment. He said, "See now, you need to be on the front page of papers. They need to show true heroes like you and not stories about all these people who want something for nothing or people who shoot other people. What's that all about!"

He seemed so genuine. For him to call me a hero took me by surprise. A lot of people have been telling me how strong and courageous I have been. That baffles me. It's not like I asked to get cancer and have to go through chemo. What else was I going to do? I suppose I could have refused treatment, but that wasn't really an option. The rest is a simple matter of doing what I had to do. To call me strong and courageous? That's hard enough to swallow. For my doctor, a man who sees this every day to call me a hero? I'm not sure how to process that.

When I got home, I had several cards and gifts in the mail. Morgan brought them to me while I was upstairs typing my blog. Many of them again calling me strong and congratulating me on completing this journey. Very touching and unexpected. Quite a blessing.

Later in the evening, I was talking with Mike. I told him what the doctor and what others said and shared how I was having trouble processing it. He said he felt the same way as others. He helped me see that it's not a simple matter of going through the motions. It's been my attitude through it all. I could have spent the past six months at home in bed feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I tried to make the most out of it. He compared me to a problem employee. We have an employee who abuses sick time. This person makes every effort not to come to work when there is nothing wrong. I make every effort to go to work even when things are not going well.

I do know my attitude had a big part in my journey. But, I still have trouble accepting the compliments. After all, I did not do this alone. My family, my church family, my friends. They all prayed for me and I truly felt the touch of those prayers. My sister, whom I have called a bulldozer, refused to let me go through this alone. My boss and coworkers stepped up to help me get the job done. Belmont's overall support was shown through many different avenues and many different people.Other acquaintances who helped make sure my women's self defense classes still happened. The meals and gift cards. The encouraging messages on CaringBridge. The facebook shows of support. The cards, texts, and emails. The many other things done out of love. The staff at TN Oncology who made an unpleasant experience bearable. Dr. Meluch who listened to me and was determined to fix me.

Trust me, without the amazing support I had throughout this entire journey, there is absolutely no way anyone would be calling me strong and courageous - let alone a hero.

Thank you all - from the bottom of my heart.

(PS. It was dark when I finished with the first blog of the day. I will release my ballloons in the morning.)

Dr. Meluch - photo from http://www.tnoncology.com/physicians/physician-profiles/anthony-a-meluch-md.222978

Session Twelve - Final Chemo Treatment

What an emotional day it has been.

Before I talk of today, I must mention something that occurred to me a few days ago. I have shared these thoughts with some already.

I wanted to do something special for the staff at TN Oncology. However, I have never been good at coming up with gift ideas. So, I turned to my sister for help. With her help, I got about four dozen bundtinis (mini bundt cakes) from my friend, Shannon's, store. A friend of mine made a t-shirt for my doctor. It is a black shirt. The writing is in lime green. The front says "Mr. Fix-It" and had a stethoscope snaking through the words. The back says, "I cure cancer."

My sister and others encouraged me to give the gifts during my last day at chemo. I was reluctant to and thought about waiting until I got the "cancer free" diagnosis. I was afraid something would go wrong and this would not be my last chemo. But, I followed my sister's suggestion.

Anyway, one day I was thinking about these gifts and what the staff at TN Oncology has meant to me, especially Dr. Meluch, it occurred to me just how much I owe my life to him. As I have said before, he was the first doctor in two years to truly listen to me. He told me he was a fixer and would fix it. He was true to his word.

One day at work, someone I had not seen in a while asked how I was doing. I told him "great. Monday is the last chemo." This caught him off guard. He did not know I had cancer. Mike was with me at the time. As I told my story, Mike added how grey and ashy I looked. I was losing weight and looking very bad. Later that night, I thought about this and remembered how the doctor told me my body was not making any red blood cells. It occurred to me that I was quite literally dying. My body cannot live without blood. The weight loss, the ashy tint to my skin, they were all signs that I was dying.

The doctor put me in the hospital, gave me blood transfusions, diagnosed my condition, and set me on the path of recovery. He saved my life!

The same night I realized this, I was talking with Brad. During the conversation, I told him about my revelation. I also told him how I owed so much to my sister as well. I have never been suicidal and I never would have committed suicide over this. No matter how bad things got, I knew God had it under control and I knew the only fate worse than the one I was now living was eternity separated from Him. I did not want to chance being separated from Him by taking my own life. However, I felt as low as I have ever been and felt that hopelessness that I imagine suicide victims feel just before they take matters into their own hands. I felt that suffocating feeling the day my sister called me and I completely lost it with her. Tori heard my pain and decided to take matters into her own hands. Because of her, chemo weeks became manageable and the real heart changing began.  Had I had time to compose myself and get my emotions under control before she called, I never would have let her know how much I was hurting and she never would have put me on the path I am now taking. Divine intervention if I ever knew it! No doubt in my mind that God exists and loves me after that!

Brad and I had never had a conversation this deep and emotional before. It was nice, but sad it took me getting sick to bring us to this place. I told him about a new Richie Sambora song in which he says something about thank God for second chances. Thank God, indeed! I told him that I do not want to squander the second chance God gave me.

A day or two later, my sister wrote a blog about gratitude and being grateful for the less obvious things. One of the things she was grateful for was some of the things that came out of cancer. I responded that I, too, am grateful for cancer. I shared with her, as I had shared with Brad, how people had been posting "Like if you wish cancer didn't exist" on facebook.

There is no doubt that cancer sucks, but I am eternally grateful for cancer. Because of this journey, I am changed. I know how to love and be loved. I know how to be humble. I know what really matters and how to let go of the things that don't. I know how to express myself and to feel emotion. I know who I want to be and I now see a path toward becoming that person. I am closer to my family, friends, and God.

Morgan once asked a question she was asked at school. If I had the choice, would I want the ability to go back in time and erase something from my past or would I want to freeze time. Mike asked if I would take away the cancer. I said absolutely not. There was nothing fun about the cancer itself, but I like who I have become as a result. I said I would like to freeze time. That way, when I saw JBJ during the 2007 CMT Awards, I could have frozen time and jumped up and down and screamed and given him a hug and not gotten into trouble!

Anyway, on to the events of today.

I went to work again this morning for a little while. That, I think, was a mistake. It has helped in the past going to work before treatment, but this morning, I had way too much paperwork waiting for me. It had been a very busy weekend. I tried to organize everything and get it all done before I left. That didn't work. The harder I tried to be efficient, the more befuddled I seemed to get. I knew there was no way I'd get it all done in less than two hours, but I tried.

It was hard for me to leave work. I had a lot to do and here I was leaving to go get sick on purpose. Then, I got mad at myself because I thought I should not be angry. After all, this is the final treatment. Trying to talk myself out of being angry made me feel even more flustered. On top of all that, I was afraid something would go wrong. I just knew this could not possibly be the final treatment. I tried to stop and pray to calm my nerves, but nothing worked.

Then, slowly, I calmed. Brad wanted to come with me today. He wanted to witness me ringing the gong. He, my mom, step dad, and I arrived at the doctor's office and got on the elevator. On the elevator already was a man in a pale blue shirt carrying several white boxes and lime green balloons. I laughed and said, "Those are for me!" I recognized the shirt and the package!

The man and others in the elevator laughed, thinking I was making a cute statement about wanting the treats for myself. I said, "Seriously, I'm the one who ordered those! Talk about perfect timing!" I gave the man my name. He looked at the receipt and sure enough, I was right! My Nothing Bundt Cake bundtini delivery had arrived! He followed me to the doctor's office.

The receptionist congratulated me. She told me she would take them to the back for me. I made sure she knew they were for all staff. I wanted her and the others up front to get some as well.

After my lab work, I headed back to meet with the doctor. I noticed all the nurses had a bundtini by their desk. As I walked by, they all congratulated me and thanked me for the treat. (Thank you Tori and Shannon!)

The lab tech said my hair was growing back fast. I told her that the hair on my head is growing back. It's really thick on the sides, but thinner on top. However, I have lost most of the hair on my arms as well as the rest of my body. Also, I had one single eyelash left. I called it my Charlie Brown hair. It fell out last night. My eyebrows are super thin. Still, they were shocked I had hair at all. The drugs I am taking usually make all the hair fall out!

As I waited for the doctor, I started to feel sleepy like I always do. I think that is my body's way of dealing with the stress. I was so worried about what the doctor would have to say and I was nervous about giving him my gift.

He came in and he asked me how I was doing. I said "It depends. I'm worried you're going to tell me I have 24 treatments and not 12 and that this is only the half way point and not the end." He laughed and assured me this was the final treatment. Lab work looks good as well. Still don't need the additional shot for my red blood cells. He poked and prodded me as usual and said everything looks and sounds good.

I go for my full body pet scan and CT scan on November 29th and have another pulmonary lung function test on November 30. I meet with the doctor on December 3 to get the results. My dad will be here to go to the Texans vs. Titans game on the 2nd. Just found out he's going to stay so he can go to the doctor with me on the 3rd. Awesome! Glad I will have someone here with me to share the news!

Dr. Meluch was just about to leave the room and send me to the chemo room when I told him I had something for him. I handed him the shirt and card and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, but I got choked up and started to cry. He got a little teary eyed as well. I don't think he wanted to see me cry or cry himself because he abruptly left the room. That was fine with me. I really didn't want him looking at the shirt or card in front of me. I thought that would be too emotional. I didn't get to ask some questions about "what next," but decided to wait until my next appointment when I'm officially cancer free.

Chemo began. The nurse who hooked up my port said she never saw me smile the way I was smiling today. She said I always smile, but never like this. I told her treatments are not something I ever looked forward to and never came to treatment happy. I was happy last time, though, and very happy this time. I was looking forward to ringing the gong.

As different nurses came in and out, they again congratulated me and thanked me for the bundtinis. They were a huge hit! Several told me I didn't have to do that. I told them I did. They made a very unpleasant experience pleasant. One nurse came in and told me Dr. Meluch loved his gift. He was showing it to the nurses.

After the push drugs (which includes the red devil), I usually fall asleep. This was no exception. It is not a deep sleep, though. I can still hear activity around me. I heard some type of commotion and woke up to see Brad standing in front of me holding a big bouquet of balloons. My mom was standing, too. She handed me the card. It was from my whole family - twelve multi colored balloons, representing one for each treatment. The card said I needed to take them outside, say a prayer, and release the balloons. It's all in God's hands now. I would have cried had I not been so groggy!

The machine beeped for the final time, indicating that the bag is empty. The nurse said, "You are officially done." She unhooked me and bandaged me. She told me to stick around for a minute before I left. I told her I wasn't going anywhere until I got to ring the gong. She said she had something else. Dr. Meluch and the nurses had signed a certificate for me in honor of this last day. Then, she brought me the gong and I hit it!!! Again, I would have cried had I not been so groggy. But, I noticed Brad and my mom had tears in their eyes!!!

Before we left, I went to ask Dr. Meluch for a refill on my suppository suspcription. My booty is flaring up again. He thanked me for the gifts and said I didn't need to do that. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was  genuinely moved. I thanked him for everything. After we gathered up all my stuff and started to leave, my mom stopped to thank him as well.

When we got home, I told my mom that it's just as hard for me to absorb the fact that this is actually the last chemo as it was to be able to say the word cancer in the beginning. This morning, my boss and Mike said this past six months have flown by. I said not for me. Looking back, it does seem like it has flown by, but while I was going through it, chemo weeks seemed to drag on forever. It is over, though. My doctor has no reason to think the cancer is still there or will return. He is extremely optimistic, as am I.

As I started writing this blog, I got a video text from my nephews. They had 12 green and purple balloons, one balloon for each treatment. They released them in my honor. "It's in God's hands now." Made me cry. I am crying again thinking about it. Wow! What an incredible sister and nephews I have! What an incredible family and friends. What an incredible God!

I will release my balloons once Mike and Morgan get home. I will be sure to tape it and post it on facebook, along with my nephew's tribute. My gong ringing is already on facebook.

Although chemo is over, my journey is not. I will continue posting in my blog periodically for the next year, until I reach my one year cancer free anniversary. I will let you know the test results and I will give progress reports on how I am doing.

It's a Good Morning

Feeling better today. My nose is starting to heal and as my nose heals, the rest of the right side of my face feels better.

While laying in bed last night, just before drifting off to sleep, I started reminiscing about this entire journey. It surprised me when I began to realize I was going to miss this experience - not the chemo treatments or the pain and discomfort associated with it, but the lessons learned and the growth achieved.

I am a new person. The experience of life with cancer changed me. I have grown closer to God. I have learned the meaning of life and figured out how to love and be loved. I am more mellow and things don't botther me the way they used to. My priorities have changed. My relationships with family have grown stronger and I have made new lasting friendships. I have gotten to know strangers and now care about people and things other than just myself.

I am going to miss seeing my family so often, having them come stay with me during chemo weeks. I'm going to miss all the well wishing cards and emails.

I hope instead of forgetting these lessons as I once again immerse myself into the routine of daily living, I can embrace them and continue to grow -

stay in touch with family even though we will not see each other as often

take these dreams and ideas God has given me and work to make them realities

spend more time with God and continue to grow my faith and share my faith with others

continue to learn and strive to put the needs of others before my own

live, truly live a life for Christ and not simply go through the motions

become the person I envisioned while laying in bed at home unable to do more than think

take steps to become like those people I once looked up to and said "I want to be like that someday" so that some day, someone will look to me and say the same thing

live a life worthy of the second chance God has given me...

I will miss some of the vivid dreams  chemo has given me...may seem foggy brained during the day, but my imagination sure does flourish at night!

Before cancer, every dream I had about Bon Jovi never included Jon, or only included him from afar. After cancer, I have met him several times in my dreams. I met him again last night!

I was at a huge party. Everyone I know was there - all my family on both sides, close and distant, my friends and co-workers from Belmont, friends from high school, friends from church. I knew it was a celebration of me being cancer free. My hair was still quite short, but it was growing out and I had my eyebrows and eyelashes back. Everyone was so dressed up. My dad was in a tuxedo and he seemed so happy, smiling and laughing as he touched my Aunt Amy's arm while they talked.

I looked on proud as could be. Bon Jovi provided the entertainment. (Now that would be something - to get Bon Jovi to play for my party!!!)

I, too, wore an elegant yellow dress. That was the only thing wrong with the party. I thought, "If this party is for me, I need to be me and I am not comfortable in this dress. I left to go change into more comfortable clothes. (Now, this is unrealistic behavior. I don't care if I was wearing a pink tutu and tiara. There is no way I would leave a room where Jon Bon Jovi stood!)

But, indeed, I did leave. Mike's English Mastiff, Delila, and my little Rat Terrier, Bailey, were with me in the room as I was changing. A group of men got into the room somehow and looked like they were going to attack me, but took one look at Delila and changed their minds.

One brave soul thought he'd try anyway. Bailey barked, but neither dog did anything. I fought him off, though, and won! He fled and I finished getting changed.

A couple came into the room and asked if I was ready to go. I was supposed to leave on a trip with them the next day. I said no and headed back to the party. I had missed enough of Bon Jovi and wanted to get back quickly.

Unfortunately, when I got back, the party was breaking up and the stage was dark and empty. I asked where the band went, hoping they were merely taking a break. I was told they had left.

Broken hearted, I walked outside and sat on the steps. With head bent low, I rubbed my bruised and bloodied left hand. The basement door opened and I saw the legs of a man walking up the steps. I did not look up. I merely scooted to the side to get out of his way.

I heard a gentle male voice say something to me. I don't remember what exactly was said, but it was two words. Something about me being strong or courageous. I looked up, and there stood Jon Bon Jovi. He sat down next to me. Although nothing was said in the dream, I knew word got out about what had just happened to me and they had planned this special surprise for me - a special moment alone with my hero!!!

I woke up feeling pretty fantastic this morning. Was it because I once again met me hero in a dream or because I am physically feeling better today or was it because of my post sleep prayers and thoughts?

Whatever the reason, I'll take it. Heard Mandesa's "Good Morning" on the radio this morning and was jamming out on the way to work! It is, indeed, a good morning!!!

Even If - The Hurt and the Healer

On my way in to work this morning, Wally on WayFM discussed an incident which occurred with a fellow Christian radio station involving the Kutless song, Even If. A man wrote in saying he would no longer listen to the station because of that song. He hated it because it was not positive and uplifting. Turns out he had lost his wife to cancer and could not accept the truth of those lyrics.

I am not one to call in to radio stations or write or anything, but I needed to respond to this one. So, when I got to work this morning, I sent an email to Wally telling him my story with the song. In an uncertain and sometimes trying times, it is comforting to know that God never changes.

Before listening to this commentary, another song, The Hurt and the Healer, by Mercy Me was stuck in my head. Although chemo week was not that rough, I had a rough Sunday and am having a rough Monday so far.

This weekend, my nose started to hurt. It sometimes does when I blow and rub my nose too much which is all the time during the fall allergy season. This was a bit different, though. I woke up Sunday morning with a sore nose. My right nostril was slightly swollen and my right eye was a bit itchy. By the time I got to Sunday School, the entire right side of my face felt swollen. My right nostril and right side of my lip were extremely sore. For a brief second, I wondered if I had had a stroke. Since the rest of my body felt normal, I assumed there was probably another explanation.

When I got back to my car after church, I figured out the other explanation. I looked at my face in the mirror and saw what looked to be a rather large booger in my right nostril. "Great," I thought. "How many people saw that and didn't say anything!" I knew it was not a booger. I knew exactly what it was and knew this thing was the cause of the pain to the rest of my face.

It was what I call a boil. I have not had one since the summer. I used to get them a lot right before I was diagnosed with cancer. A hair follicle would get clogged and grow to look like a gigantic pimple. When it popped, it was like an enormous pimple popping. These things are extremely painful. The last ones I got were around my right eye back in June/July just before my eyelashes started falling out. I suppose this means I either have or will soon no longer have any nose hair!!!

I was afraid to pop it because sometimes popping them make them worse. So, after church, I went to bed and kept a hot rag on the right side of my face. After several hours, it started to drain slightly. I took tweezers to it and pulled off the dry skin. This eased the pain some. Before I went to bed, I tweezed it again. This time, it really popped and oozed a lot of puss. It was gross and immediately afterwards, the entire right side of my face, including my teeth, throbbed in pain. I took some Tylenol and went to bed.

This morning, the heat from the shower opened the wound back up and it pussed some more. My nose and face are starting to feel better!

On top of the face thing, my stomach hurts. It took me a while to get ready this morning and again, like I did the Monday after the last session when my dad was here, I contemplated staying home. Like the last time, I wanted to give it my all to come in. As long as my head is clear, I wanted to give it my all to be a part of the real world today. I have a lot to do both with work and other projects.

With the words of Mercy Me, The Hurt and the Healer, stuck in my head, God's encouragement lovingly whispered in my ear, I made it in today.

"The Hurt & The Healer"

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

 

PS. ALL my teams won yesterday!!! Titans, Saints, Cowboys, Texans!!! Especially the Saints (Beat the undefeated Falcons) and Texans (Beat the Bears in Chicago)! Whoop! Whoop! That alone makes for a pretty good Monday!

After Election Update

I usually hate voicing my political beliefs and I may regret this later when my brain is not so foggy, but I got a very strange email yesterday from a friend who accused me of deleting her as a friend on facebook because she did not vote for Romney. I think either her email or facebook or my email or facebook was hacked. First of all, I have not been on facebook and have not deleted any friends. Second, I'm not that petty.

I have to say, I am glad the elections were during chemo week. I fell asleep before the president was elected to a second term and I was not on facebook or watching the news to see all the hoopla about how shocked the Romney supporters were. (I saw only enough news to know who won!) I came out of this election cycle subdued and rather accepting. I don't know if I would have been angrier had I not been foggy brained, but I would like to think not.

I suppose I quit caring who won long before the actual election. I know this statement will make a few people upset. I saw the good and bad in both men and knew that the final decision was not ours, but God's alone. He would ultimately decide who would become our next president. How, then, can I be angry with His choice? Will Obama sink our country the way people fear? Maybe. Maybe not. If he does, that, too, is part of God's ultimate plan.

The way I see it, change starts with the individual. If I don't like something, I need to do something about it other than whine that my guy didn't get elected. For now, though, I choose to wait and see what Obama can and will do now that he does not have to worry about winning an election.

I know this is partly chemo brain talking. I am still not clear headed, but I do believe it is better for us all to embrace our chosen leader. A house divided against itself cannot stand. The polls showed just how divided our country is. In my humble opinion, with a country that divided, Romney could not have done any better in the white house than Obama has done. The cards are stacked against him. What this election has shown us is just how much trouble we, as a country, are in. If we do not find a way to work together, all the Obama critics will find themselves in a self-fulfilling prophecy. We will lose our country.

So, what is the answer? I have no idea. All I know is that we should start working together somehow. I'll leave the details to those who don't have chemo brain!!!

Other than this being an election week, I've been doing okay. I have been able to poop without pain!!! I have not had any major nausea or stomach pains. I have had chemo brain and my body is weak. My shoulders and neck are sore. My mood is still up. Overall, it has not been a bad chemo week.

Brad has spent most of the week with me. He got a gig in Alabama tonight so he could not be with me today. That's okay, though. I have been attempting to get some work done. Anything I try takes me at least three times longer than it normally would because my brain is slow, but at least I feel like trying.

So Far So Good

After a very productive evening, I didn't sleep well. First of all, my brain would not shut down. I kept thinking of all the things I needed and wanted to get done:

• work on my proposal for the fundraiser
• plan my gifts I want to give the TN Oncology staff on my last chemo
• things I needed to get done for work
• hoping I felt well enough to come to work for our staff meeting

I started writing scripts in my head and making plans. I asked God to remind me of these ideas and also asked that He not interfere with the increased brain activity. I wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible. (Still going strong today!)

When I finally fell asleep, I did not sleep well. I had minor night sweats. It wasn't enough to soak the sheets, but it was enough to be an annoyance.

I woke up around five this morning with a stomach ache. I was hoping it was a simple gas stomach ache like last night, but it lingered. I lay there trying to decide whether or not to get up and come in to work.

A Dolphin's Tale actually made up my mind. I knew everyone would understand if I didn't show up. No one really expected me and Mike even planned on getting the donuts for me. But, I really wanted to go and be a part of it. I talked to Mike and he said he would bring me back home if I started to feel bad.

Back to the movie. If you have never seen it, you should. I thought, if an 11 year old boy could do what he did, if an injured man can gain the courage to learn to walk and swim again, if a dolphin can learn to swim with a prosthetic fin, I can make it in to work with a stomach ache!

I sent Brad a text and told him my plans, that I would let him know whether he needed to pick me up at work or at home before my 2pm shot appointment.

So, I came in to work--with the donuts--and sat at the back of the room in case I needed to go to the restroom or leave for any reason. I made it through without a problem. I am still at work now! Don't know if I'll make it until this afternoon, but it's good to be out of the house!

I have been communicating with my sister about getting shirts made to help me pay off my medical bills. I have come up with a shirt design, but plan to wait until I get the official "cancer-free" report before I get them made.

I want to make lime green shirts (for lymphoma). The front will say - Renee's Brigade: Fighting Against Lymphoma. The back will say "We Won" and have a picture similar to the figure on the left:

 

I will most likely charge $15.00, depending on how much they cost to make. My question to you all:

 

Who wants a shirt and what size would you want? You do not have to pay now. I simply want to get a feel for how many and what sizes to order.

 



When Miracles Happen

The strangest thing happened to me today. I woke up happy. I have never woken up on a chemo Monday happy. In fact, as my mom and dad can attest to, my mood starts to change the Sunday before chemo day. By Monday morning, I become much more withdrawn and subdued. Today, I woke up before my alarm ready to tackle the day.

I had made plans to go into work with Mike and then Brad would pick me up around 9am to take me to my appointment. Since I was up and ready to go early, I did something else that I have not managed to do on a chemo Monday. I prayed. And, best of all, it wasn't a woe is me, having trouble concentrating type of prayer. It was heartfelt, genuine. I was fully present with Him and prayed for Him to hold my hand, sit with me, let me sit on His lap, hold me, and indwell me. I read this morning about His promise to always be with me. I thanked Him for this truth and asked Him to let me feel that presence throughout me. And did He ever!!!

When I got to the doctor, I told the tech, doctor, and nurses how great I felt. I admitted to them that I had never come to an appointment in a good mood. My doctor laughed and told me it was okay. I could blame my bad moods all on him. During treatment, different nurses administer the drugs, depending on who is available. With each new one, I told them that this was my next to last session and I was ready to ring that gong! They shared in my joy. It's strange to say, but I had a good time today!

Now, backwards to the details of the appointment. My sister is definitely rubbing off on me. I came armed with a lot of questions of my own. No longer am I the passive observer.

The stomach and intestines. The stomach is better since taking the medication and/or not taking Ibuprofen, but my bowel movements still hurt. I don't think it's hemorrhoids.

Am I constipated? Am I taking the stool softeners?
No and yes - once a day.

Chemo drugs burn the lining in my system - accounting for the pain in my stomach and bowels. The lining in my intestines is probably burned like my stomach. I have more nerve endings near my bottom, accounting for the increased pain. If I had more nerve endings in other areas, it would probably hurt more. I should keep on taking the medication for my stomach even if my stomach feels better. I should also continue taking the stool softeners and suppositories. Unfortunately, I may simply have to live with the pain until the chemo drugs are out of my system and my body can fully heal.

I am getting these scratches on my arms as if my dog scratched me, but I don't remember being scratched. They are not going away like regular scratches would.

My body takes longer to heal from simple things like this because of the chemo. That is why they tell me to stay out of the sun and why it is so important for me not to get sick, why the common cold could put me in the hospital. It's okay. Perfectly normal.

My breathing is not getting better, but it's not getting worse.

I still will not be getting the chemo drug that effects the lungs. He checked my lungs and poked and prodded the rest of my body. All sounds and looks good. Nothing to be concerned about.

Will I start getting shots to boost my red blood cell count tomorrow?
No! My white blood cells are a little low, but where they are expected to be this point in the treatment. My red blood cells are doing better. I am still anemic, but my body is producing them on their own again and they look good. No second shot! Will still need the shot for my white blood cells.

Off to the chemo room. Brad asks me how long it usually takes. I tell him it used to take three hours, but with one less drug, it takes a little less time. The nurse hooking me up to my first bag asked what drug I no longer take. I told her I didn't know the name of it. "Would you like to?" she asked. "Not really," I say. "I wouldn't remember. Besides, I have them written down if I need to know. All I know is I still have to take the red devil "(a term I heard just this morning that my mom heard from my sister-in-law's mom). She knew exactly what I was talking about.

This same nurse came back a bit later with a list of the drugs I take, including the one that effects the breathing that I no longer take. She explained that it can cause serious damage and I need to know the name of this drug to be able to tell doctors in the future. She recommended I get a medical bracelet and tell my family. Bleomycin has some potentially severe side effects. If levels get close to 300 units, it can cause pulmonary fibrosis. I only had 7 treatments, 17 units each, for a total of 119 units. Although this puts me out of the high risk level, it can still cause future problems.

This drug can have negative effects with oxygen and anesthesia. As the form she gave me reads, "patients who have received prior bleomycin are at risk for pulmonary toxicity when exposed to oxygen during surgery. Ensure patients and family members understand the lifelong necessity of disclosing previous use of bleomycin when future needs for anesthesia occur to prevent a fatal episode of pulmonary failure."

The nurse said she did not want to scare me, but thought this is one drug I needed to remember. I was thankful and it did not kill my good mood in any way. I added this information to my medical zip drive bracelet.

This same nurse gave me my push shots - including Doxorubicin Adriamycin (the red devil). I like it when the nurses talk to me while giving me this shot. Helps it hurt less and keeps me from focusing on it. A pregnant woman had walked into the room minutes before. I asked the nurse what happens when a pregnant woman finds out she has cancer. She told me they usually treat it anyway. The teatment may vary depending on the cancer, drugs, and stage of pregnancy. She admitted that the babies sometimes die. I told her how Dr. Meluch talked to me about the possibility of me never being able to have kids once I went through treatment, but that it was okay. Even as a young child, I wanted to adopt instead of having kids - if I chose to have children at all.

We discussed adaption and foster care for a while and ended up on how long it took them to diagnose me. She could not believe it took two years. I told her about my journey and how much I love Dr. Meluch because I felt like he was one of the first doctors to actually listen to me. When he made the statement, "I'm a fixer. We're going to fix this," I almost cried. Had the me now been in that room when he said that, I probably would have cried.

We got onto a whole topic of misdiagnoses and why doctors wait so long to order the right tests or to pick up on signs such as - in my case - that persistent cough. She told me of two instances in her family where by the time they were diagnosed, it was too late, stage four. Both passed away. Her son, though, had a tumor the size of a grape fruit in his stomach when he was eight. They didn't catch it for a long time because it was hidden in the folds in the stomach. He, luckily, survived. He is now in his twenties and healthy.

She then looked at me with a look of horror. She touched my arm and apologized. She realized talking about death was insensitive. I told her it did not bother me at all. I told her about my conversation with Dr. Meluch in the hospital. When he told me I had stage four, I asked what that meant. Stage four is usually a death sentence. He explained how that was not the case with Hodgkin's stage 4. She finished my sentence and said it was highly curable.

During the final drug that lasts an hour, I finally got sleepy and took a short nap. When we got home, Brad, Bailey, and I took a nap together - after Bailey settled down from the excitement of seeing her daddy. He then made me dinner before going home.

I'm not feeling great, but I'm not feeling too bad, either. I have managed to finish the laundry I didn't get to this weekend and I and Mike are working while I also write this blog.

Tomorrow is our full staff meeting and I really want to go. Terry, my boss, is going to lay out the new divisions and job responsibilities of the department. (Had to stop here for a minute. Got really bad stomach ache all of a sudden - and a hot flash.)

First of all, I'm the one who brings the donuts. I will be missed if I'm not there. Second, I want to be able to see everyone's reaction to all the changes and see what kinds of questions they have - and be able to see facial expressions. A lot is said without ever saying a word.

One of the changes became official this morning so I can freely talk about it. Mike and I have been named Assistant Chiefs. When I was told last week, it came as a complete shock. Neither Mike nor I saw that one coming. I have to admit, my first thought was "now that will look good on my resume!"

Then, what that truly meant started to sink in. How blessed am I? Not only do I work for an amazing organization who have been so unbelievably supportive of me during this entire process - helping me to work away from home and helping me accomplish goals and tasks when I am at work. I know how lucky I am to even have a job in today's economy, but to have a job with an organization who has gone above and beyond to get me through this trail? That is truly a blessing. Now, on top of all that, a promotion? When I am only here half the time??? I still don't know what to say about that! It's nothing short of a miracle.

A day filled with miracles. I praise God for every single blessing today! We'll see how I feel in the morning - whether I can make it to work in the morning or not! God's perfect will be done!

I have had a song by Kutless stuck in my head the past few weeks. To be honest, I don't like it at all. Well, it's a good, catchy tune, but the lyrics are hard to swallow. They have been stuck in my head, though, and I think God keeps it there on purpose. My devotional reading for today spoke the same words - if we remain in Him, our circumstances may not change, but how we deal with them will. True, but difficult words.

Kutless - Even If

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come...

I almost forgot another really cool thing that happened today. I had been home for about an hour and hadn't fallen back asleep yet. Brad and I were watching a Dolphin's Tale when my phone rang. It was my Grandma Albracht. She asked me how I was doing and I filled her in a bit. She said she was calling to make my day a little bit better. She wanted me to know that Jon Bon Jovi was going to be on Katie! How cool is that? Not only does my grandma know about my love for Jon Bon Jovi, but she thought to call me to let me know! Made my day for two reasons - she thought of me and I got to see Jon!

And, you could see what a heart that man has. You could see the hurt he feels for his beloved home. And, if you happened to see it and see the footage of him working in his Soul Kitchen, that was not a mere publicity stunt. His whole family, dad, wife, daughter, work there. They do more than just give their money!

How Blessed Am I

During the last chemo week and on into the first part of this past week, I was beginning to believe that the chemo was finally killing the good with the bad. The aches and pains I experienced were unlike anything I had experienced thus far.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for gastritis, I joked with the pharmacists, telling them that I was thankful for how nice and helpful they are, but looked forward to the day when I didn't have to see them so often. They laughed and said it will be nice when I can stop by just to say hi and not have to pick something up.

After the nurse called and told me the doctor thought I had gastritis, I immediately looked it up on the Internet. My first thought was that gastritis was a fancy term for gas. I have had gas before. As a matter of fact, the stool softeners the doctor told me to take like vitamins since chemo makes me constipated make me gassy.

However, when I learned that gastritis is a burning in the lining of the stomach and that it could cause bleeding, I thought the diagnosis was right on. Matched my description of feeling like my stomach was sun burned. I read that aspirin and Ibuprofen can cause a burning in the lining of the stomach. Stress can also cause symptoms. This made sense. I had been taking a lot of Ibuprofen to help with the joint and bone pain. I was also under a lot of stress. I seem to put myself under a lot of stress during chemo weeks. I get to feeling like I'm letting people at work down. I get to feeling like I'm letting God down. I know I'm not, but I feel so useless when I am home unable to physically do much. It's a constant internal battle.

I'm not sure if it was the medication or the fact that I was no longer taking Ibuprofen and working took away my stress, but within a few days, my stomach felt better. My booty is still not doing well and bowel movements are still painful, but the rest of me felt better every day.

I had promised to take Morgan, Mike's daughter, horseback riding for her birthday back in September. I told her we would go when the weather cooled and I could wear long sleeves since I am not supposed to be out in the sun. I meant to take her a few weeks back, but I forgot to make reservations. When I heard how perfect the weather was supposed to be this Saturday, I made reservations.

Yesterday proved to be a perfect day. The weather in the morning was cool enough for me to wear long sleeves, but not too cold for a day outdoors to be uncomfortable. Me, Mike, and Morgan went horseback riding and then canoeing. I have only been on a horse one or two other times in my life. When I was getting my lesson, the lady asked me if I was familiar with horses. I told her no. She said the thought I had more experience because I was fearless when handling my horse. I chuckled and thought to myself, "I live with cancer. I fear nothing!"

I spoke too soon. I loved my horse. He was gentle and followed the horse in front of me with no problem. However, we were going up and down hills. At one point, he got too close the the edge for my comfort. Mike was behind me. He laughed and later told me he at first thought my saddle was slipping because I started leaning to the side. Then, he realized the saddle was positioned correctly, but I was not. I explained that I figured if the horse started to slip, I could jump off the other side to safety!!! So, I apparently am not 100% fearless!!!

After our ride, one of the workers asked if we wanted to go canoeing. Why not? We had no idea what we were doing. Between me and Mike trying to row and the wind pushing us in one direction, we ended up going in circles. It wasn't until we started paddling backwards that we were able to get back to shore. We did better paddling blind! Morgan and I just knew we were going to end up in the water! Poor girl was sitting on the floor of the canoe and got wet. Mike and I stayed dry. We all laughed quite a bit. It was nice hearing those two laugh like that. It felt good for me to laugh!

Even though this adventure wiped us all out, we still went to a movie later that afternoon. We went to go see Wreck It Ralph. That was a cute movie. Afterwards, I dropped them off at home and went to get a massage. I have never gotten a massage at night before, but that was the only time they had open and since I can only get a massage once a month and since I didn't want to wait another two weeks, I went for it.

It was a busy day, but I felt fantastic. Not only did I have fun, but I felt great physically. It is sad, though, that it took cancer for me to start living again. I used to spend most of my free time reading books or watching movies at home. I was also way too frugal to spend money. Now, I want to do more than simply read about other's fictitious lives and there is an urgency about it. I know I'm going to be sick for at least a week so when I feel well, I want to do stuff. Plus, I now realize that life is fleeting. I have no guarantees about tomorrow. I don't have a ton of money, but enough to be able to do things I enjoy doing like going to a movie or to dinner with friends or something out in nature. Life certainly is more fun when I do things with others instead of spend all that time by myself.

Today was another fun day. After church, I went to lunch and a movie with Brad. We went to go see Cloud Atlas. I love Tom Hanks, but I'm not sure about that one! It was great spending time with Brad, though, and getting to talk. He may be moving back to Texas in December so it's important for me to get to spend time with him now. I don't blame him. I would go, too, if I could. Things with my health and work make that hard to do right now, though. I'm just afraid I will never see him again if he does go.

With the exception of that sad thought, I had an amazing weekend.

Last week, I also got some great news at work. One piece of news is not official so I can't talk about it quite yet. One day, I got a call from a group that is no longer teaching RAD. They wanted to give me free RAD gear. That stuff is expensive. Then, I got an email that Belmont is going to let me do the fundraiser.

That is awesome and scary. I have no clue what I am doing. But, if it's God's will, it will be! As good as my week and weekend was, it just made me that much more aware of how important this fundraiser idea is. I heard of several people today undergoing cancer treatments who are having a much more difficult time than I am. My dad told me about a friend of his who passed away this week. His wife did not work. What's to become of her?

Today, both the pastor and my Sunday School teacher talked about God's call. They discussed much more than this, but that is what stuck with me. God asked, "Whom shall I send?" Isaiah said, "Here am I. Send me." When God calls us, we don't know what He is calling us to do, but when He calls, we can bet it's going to be big.

When I first got the idea for the fundraiser, I knew it was from God. Now, as the first hurdle is crossed, I wonder, am I doing this for His glory or for mine? Right now, my motives are pure. I know if it is His will and my motives stay pure, the fundraiser will be a success. If my motives are impure, it will fail before it ever begins. I am afraid it will become about me as everything in my life has been. I know the way to combat this is continual prayer, but I have failed miserably at this the past few weeks and months as well.

I am scared to try. But, I am even more afraid of not trying. I don't want to miss out on His blessing because I chose to ignore His call. "Here am I. Send me."

And, as Dr. Parrott said, the story does not end here...