Post Chemo Anxiety

Mom is gone and I am back at work. I went to a function today and spoke with many people across campus, including the president of the university, about the end of chemo and upcoming tests. All congratulated me and let me know they continue to pray for me.

I don't feel it so much today. Getting back into a routine has helped ease my anxiety, but the days after chemo, I started to stress over those things I cannot control.

It started as a joke. I told Mike that I wanted to go to a celebratory dinner Monday night if I received the news I expected to receive. If I received bad news, he would have to pry me out of the fetal position. He said we would then have to go out for some comfort food. I curled up in a ball in my chair and stuck my thumb in my mouth, mimicking what I would look like sitting in a restaurant after having received bad news from the doctor.

Everyone I have spoken with tells me I will hear good news. I believe this as well. However, I know well enough that just because we all want it will not necessarily make it so. Until I get the official word from the doctor, I can only hope.

I know that all things considered, the likelihood of a bad report is slim. My last pet scan came back negative. I never had to get shots to replenish my red blood cells and they prepared me for that likelihood, even telling me it was normal for that point in my treatment. This all tells me that my body, although still anemic, is making its own blood, a very positive sign.

After two and a half years of being sick and other hardships, it's now hard for me to imagine a healthy life. I think I am somewhat afraid of it, afraid of being happy again. I am so used to being sick, what is it going to feel like to be healthy? I am not saying I want to stay sick, it's just that I have gotten used to it. But, as a friend of mine said, and I paraphrase, a battered woman gets used to being abused. Doesn't make it right or doesn't mean she can't be happy. It's simply hard to leave what we know.

I am ready to leave what I know. I am simply afraid of either not getting to enjoy the good for long or of not living up to what I have learned.

Two sources of my recent anxiety:

1) Not getting to enjoy health for long.

I fear getting a good report from the doctor on Monday and feeling great for a few months. Then, my body stops making its own blood again and I am right back where I have been for the past six months. I don't know if I can go through this again. Who knows what I can do when faced with it. I met several women who have gone through treatment more than once. One woman I met was going through it for the fifth time. Hopefully, I will be one of the fortunate ones. All I can do now is take it one day at a time and leave the rest up to God. As the saying goes, if He brings me to it, He can get me through it.

2) Not living up to what I have learned.

I have spent the past six months thinking about the kind of person I want to be. What if I get into a post-chemo routine and fall right back into who I was, never living up to who I could be? Who God wants me to be? What if I forget or discard all the lessons He taught me about love and humility? As the same friend said, and again I paraphrase, God would not have brought me this far to let me go.

I agree with that yet I know I have my part in it. People, even Christians, turn their backs on God every day. All I can say is I think the mere fact that this concerns me suggests that I will not let that happen to me. I think the changes are here to stay. I think my life will be lived out better and stronger because of what I have learned.

Well, I am looking forward to moving on. I am starting right now. Tonight, the theaters are showing a one night only  Bon Jovi concert with a live Q&A beforehand. I am on my way!!!