Had another bad night. Even with the anti nausea pill, I could not sleep. My shoulders throbbed in pain. I know this pain is from the chemo and not bed sores.
I got out of bed this morning and Morgan was already up and dressed. When I asked her why, she shrugged her shoulders and said he dad told her to get dressed. Soon after, he came out of his room and invited me to breakfast and to go check out the new gun range with them and my friend Danny and his wife. I thought I would be in a bad mood today because of the lack of sleep, but getting out of the house was just what I needed. Had a good breakfast and it turns out, the new Krav Maga center is right next door to the range! I stopped in and Chris gave me a tour of the new Kav facility. It is awesome! Can't wait to get back to it. Was surprised that he recognized me, but I forgot that he had seen my pictures on Facebook!
We then talked to the owner of the gun range about using their facility for our officer trainings! It would be much more convenient than the places we use now! We did not shoot today.
The bad thing was that I could barely hold the .45 I was looking at. Could be worse! At least I was out of the house!
Toward the end of our visit, I got tired so us girls sat and talked while the guys looked around a bit more.
Patricia, Danny's wife, is a nurse and works at the Sara Cannon Cancer Center where I was. We had a good conversation and I told her how the psychological sickness is worse than the physical sickness these days. For example, getting sick just going to the facility where I get chemo, the smell of saline, and going to my bed when I'm not sick.
We got home before 11:00am. Mike and Morgan are busy cleaning the basement. I am washing my sheets and blankets and sitting outside enjoying the weather.
I told Morgan I wanted to go to see Hotel Transylvania later if our excursion this morning didn't prove to be too much.
So far so good! My shoulders still ache, but the positive psychological effects of getting out we're awesome!!!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Friday Update
I really don't know what to say today, but I know so many of you appreciate the updates.
This session still stinks, but it is better than the past few. The chemo brain wasn't as bad. The sore, achy body is not as bad. The nausea is not as bad. Granted, I still had/have them all, they are nothing in proportion to last time.
I could not sleep last night because of the aches in my neck and shoulders. I am convinced this ache is merely a result of spending so much time in bed. However, it is difficult not to stay in bed when I am as tired as I am.
Brad came and spent several hours with me during the days this week. It was nice to have a friend here. Keeps me from getting lonely. I received a few packages and cards in the mail this week. Those mean the world to me. When I am so far removed from the rest of my life, it is nice to know people are still thinking about me and loving me.
There was a shooting near Belmont's campus the other day. No one at Belmont was ever in any danger. From what I know about the area and what I deduce from the few facts of the incident, I am willing to bet the victim and suspect knew each other. I would bet it was a drug deal gone bad or some other revenge type shooting. But, that is mere speculation.
I felt bad that I wasn't there to assist and I hate to admit it, I was glad to hear several people asked for me. I am one of the first persons called when something serious happens on or near campus. Not only am I the liaison between Belmont security and metro police, I also have a background in counseling and can assist until any potential victims or witnesses get the help they need. I hate what happened, but am extremely happy that it did not involve the campus and that our guys are so good at what they do and were such a big help to the police. I am glad I was thought about and missed.
This was the first time I did not feel bad for not being there. Don't get me wrong, I really wish I had been there, but I think the talk I had with my boss last week set my mind at ease. Life goes on without me and I am not letting anyone down by not being there.
A woman with the Communication's Department at Belmont sent me a rough draft of the article they are writing for Belmont about how the school and the department are supporting me. Made me cry. I had no idea they spoke with my boss and Mike. They even spoke with one of my nurses who is a Belmont grad. It was touching what she had to say about me and Belmont.
I don't feel great today, but I'm sick and tired of being in bed. I pulled out my laptop and hope to get some work done. Maybe I will be able to sleep better tonight and feel better tomorrow. There are a lot of great movies out I would like to see. Would be nice to get out of the house for a bit!
This session still stinks, but it is better than the past few. The chemo brain wasn't as bad. The sore, achy body is not as bad. The nausea is not as bad. Granted, I still had/have them all, they are nothing in proportion to last time.
I could not sleep last night because of the aches in my neck and shoulders. I am convinced this ache is merely a result of spending so much time in bed. However, it is difficult not to stay in bed when I am as tired as I am.
Brad came and spent several hours with me during the days this week. It was nice to have a friend here. Keeps me from getting lonely. I received a few packages and cards in the mail this week. Those mean the world to me. When I am so far removed from the rest of my life, it is nice to know people are still thinking about me and loving me.
There was a shooting near Belmont's campus the other day. No one at Belmont was ever in any danger. From what I know about the area and what I deduce from the few facts of the incident, I am willing to bet the victim and suspect knew each other. I would bet it was a drug deal gone bad or some other revenge type shooting. But, that is mere speculation.
I felt bad that I wasn't there to assist and I hate to admit it, I was glad to hear several people asked for me. I am one of the first persons called when something serious happens on or near campus. Not only am I the liaison between Belmont security and metro police, I also have a background in counseling and can assist until any potential victims or witnesses get the help they need. I hate what happened, but am extremely happy that it did not involve the campus and that our guys are so good at what they do and were such a big help to the police. I am glad I was thought about and missed.
This was the first time I did not feel bad for not being there. Don't get me wrong, I really wish I had been there, but I think the talk I had with my boss last week set my mind at ease. Life goes on without me and I am not letting anyone down by not being there.
A woman with the Communication's Department at Belmont sent me a rough draft of the article they are writing for Belmont about how the school and the department are supporting me. Made me cry. I had no idea they spoke with my boss and Mike. They even spoke with one of my nurses who is a Belmont grad. It was touching what she had to say about me and Belmont.
I don't feel great today, but I'm sick and tired of being in bed. I pulled out my laptop and hope to get some work done. Maybe I will be able to sleep better tonight and feel better tomorrow. There are a lot of great movies out I would like to see. Would be nice to get out of the house for a bit!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesday Update
The chemo session went reasonably well. Like last time, I started to feel sick after the red drug. Also like last time, I was able to sleep off the pain while the last drugs were being administered. Afterward, I took the stronger anti nausea pill to counter attack any coming pain. The doctor did not give me new meds. They already give me the strongest available during chemo. I was given two different kinds for home use - one that makes me groggy and sleep a lot and another that makes me less groggy. I will be taking the stronger ones this round. I would rather sleep than feel so blah all the time.
I slept most of the day yesterday. Brad stayed with me until about 6pm. He took good care of me, made sure I ate, drank, took my pills, and took care of Bailey's needs. It was also nice just having him sit in bed with me and keep me company. I have learned that someone's physical presence with me when I am sick is the most important medicine. He will come back some time this morning.
Bailey got me up some time this morning between 4am - 5am. After that, I stayed awake. I watched a very inspiring movie about a teacher named Ron Clark. Matthew Perry played Ron Clark. I then got up to see Mike and Morgan before they left for the day. Now, I am on my computer and hope to get as much work done today as possible while my head and body feel a okay. If tomorrow is true to form, I will be pretty brain and body dead - worthless for any task!
Before I forget, thank you all for the gifts and prayers. They mean more than you can possibly know.
I see how I am growing and changing because of all your generosity. For example, there is a woman in my Sunday School class who is going through an extremely miserable time in her life. Yet, she took time to think and care for me. She gave me $20.00 to help with food this week. The old me would have argued with her and given it my all not to take her money, especially knowing how much she needs it herself right now.
However, my sister has taught me well. I now know just how important it is for others to be able to help. I even know this first hand. Going through cancer and receiving the love of others has made me want to do the same for others. It does mean a lot to me when others let me help them. The meaning of life - the circle of love - I get it now!
I slept most of the day yesterday. Brad stayed with me until about 6pm. He took good care of me, made sure I ate, drank, took my pills, and took care of Bailey's needs. It was also nice just having him sit in bed with me and keep me company. I have learned that someone's physical presence with me when I am sick is the most important medicine. He will come back some time this morning.
Bailey got me up some time this morning between 4am - 5am. After that, I stayed awake. I watched a very inspiring movie about a teacher named Ron Clark. Matthew Perry played Ron Clark. I then got up to see Mike and Morgan before they left for the day. Now, I am on my computer and hope to get as much work done today as possible while my head and body feel a okay. If tomorrow is true to form, I will be pretty brain and body dead - worthless for any task!
Before I forget, thank you all for the gifts and prayers. They mean more than you can possibly know.
I see how I am growing and changing because of all your generosity. For example, there is a woman in my Sunday School class who is going through an extremely miserable time in her life. Yet, she took time to think and care for me. She gave me $20.00 to help with food this week. The old me would have argued with her and given it my all not to take her money, especially knowing how much she needs it herself right now.
However, my sister has taught me well. I now know just how important it is for others to be able to help. I even know this first hand. Going through cancer and receiving the love of others has made me want to do the same for others. It does mean a lot to me when others let me help them. The meaning of life - the circle of love - I get it now!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Session Eight
I had a great weekend. On Saturday, we went to breakfast then the gun range with friends. It's been a while since I've shot. Mike worked with me on technique. My friend Danny had to load my cartridges. My hands were tender. My right hand usually doesn't hurt from shooting until the next day. This time my hands started shaking early, throwing off my aim. Danny let me shoot his 45. I liked his gun better. The grip was smaller and it had less recoil than my Glock 40. My accuracy improved as well!
When we got home, I read outside. It was such a nice day! Brad called and said it sounded like I needed a nap. I was tired, but I did not want to waste the day. I didn't want to be in bed or the couch when I was feeling so well.
Later that day, Mike, Morgan, and I went to go see Finding Nemo in 3D then went to Dairy Queen!
After church on Sunday, I spent the day with Brad. We watched football then went to dinner at his brother's house. My Titans and Texans won!!! It was a great weekend!
Now, I just started chemo eight. Visit with the doctor went well. He's going to try to give me a new drug to help with the nausea. He says drugs can start losing their effectiveness and that may be what's happened and why the nausea lasted so long last time.
I told him that I can't get a good deep breath in and I have big bags under my eyes. He said my lungs sound good and the pulmonary function test from a few weeks ago was good so he's not concerned. He said chemo has the same effects as a hard workout can have which accounts for the shortness of breath and fatigued eyes.
I told him about the blood in my stool and how it feels like I'm passing glass even when the stool is soft. He said chemo dehydrates the body. I need to drink lots of water and continue taking stool softeners. I probably have hemroids and he wants to give them a chance to shrink. He said no caffeine. I do well not drinking caffeine during chemo weeks, but I drink a lot during off weeks. Guess I have to quit again!
When we got home, I read outside. It was such a nice day! Brad called and said it sounded like I needed a nap. I was tired, but I did not want to waste the day. I didn't want to be in bed or the couch when I was feeling so well.
Later that day, Mike, Morgan, and I went to go see Finding Nemo in 3D then went to Dairy Queen!
After church on Sunday, I spent the day with Brad. We watched football then went to dinner at his brother's house. My Titans and Texans won!!! It was a great weekend!
Now, I just started chemo eight. Visit with the doctor went well. He's going to try to give me a new drug to help with the nausea. He says drugs can start losing their effectiveness and that may be what's happened and why the nausea lasted so long last time.
I told him that I can't get a good deep breath in and I have big bags under my eyes. He said my lungs sound good and the pulmonary function test from a few weeks ago was good so he's not concerned. He said chemo has the same effects as a hard workout can have which accounts for the shortness of breath and fatigued eyes.
I told him about the blood in my stool and how it feels like I'm passing glass even when the stool is soft. He said chemo dehydrates the body. I need to drink lots of water and continue taking stool softeners. I probably have hemroids and he wants to give them a chance to shrink. He said no caffeine. I do well not drinking caffeine during chemo weeks, but I drink a lot during off weeks. Guess I have to quit again!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Paying the Price for Bad Decisions
My day started out well yesterday. I was finally catching up on some projects and ready to start new projects. However, just as Mike and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do for lunch, one of our officers called to tell me that our street preachers were back. Ugh!!!
These men go around college campuses all over the country and preach hate in the name of religion. They are basically a paid cult who believe they are sinless and everyone else are evil sinners. They are crude and rude and do a rather good job getting reactions out of people. These reactions, by their estimation, prove their point that people are sinful. They video these reactions and post them online. They can't seem to understand that they are just as or worse than those they are provoking.
Last year, we did not have clear directives or guidance and the police would not help because these men know just how far they can push things without breaking the law. (The police made a presence, but could not stop it or make them leave.) Things got very nasty and some of our students acted very unbecoming and fed right into the hands of these street preachers.
This time, we were prepared. We had discussed what to do should this ever happen again. We may not be able to control the street preachers, but we can control the students. Our job - keep the crowds moving and issue student misconduct citations to any student who talks to, instigates, or does anything unbecoming and that would violate the Belmont code of conduct.
When I arrived, I told the officers there exactly what to do. Keep the crowd moving and issue student misconduct forms to anyone who refuses to obey our directives. 99% of the students were very understanding. I simply went up to them and asked if they had anywhere else to be. I explained that we did not want another incident like last year. If they were not here last year, I told them a little bit about it. I then explained that the best way to deal with these guys is if there was no crowd to preach to. Most understood and quietly left. There were a few who bucked up and ignored us.
I did not mind doing this even though I am not supposed to be out in the sun. I rather enjoyed interacting with the students. One student noticed me from a program in the residence halls a few weeks ago. He asked me what happened to my hair. I told him I was going through chemo and didn't have any hair. That's when I told me how he knew me. I told him that was a wig and that I got tired of wearing the wig. Another student sitting nearby heard this and asked about the cancer. He has a family member going through treatment as well. He asked to see my head. I took off my hat and showed him my bald head. "Bald is beautiful," he said.
What got my blood pressure up were the officers who seemed to be hiding in the back and were not doing as told, being seen, but not helping break up crowds.
One female student I had asked to leave did not want to leave. After talking with her, I told her she could stay as long as she simply listened and did not get involved in any way. She agreed at first. Later, she raised her hand as if to ask a question. When I confronted her, things got nasty for a minute.
She still refused to leave. She was within feet of the preachers. I kept my back to the preachers and spoke softly with her. I was issuing her a student misconduct citation. The preacher heard her side of the conversation and moved in toward us. A man with a camera tried to video us. I kept moving so that my back was to him. The preacher made the comment that women in authority are lesbians. I ignored what he said, but her actions caused a crowd to start forming. The preacher moved closer and stood just behind me on my right, on my gun side.
I tried to continue talking to the student and answer her questions, but I could not ignore this man. I thought he was about to put his hands on me. I was ready to fight back and take control of the situation. My Krav Maga and recent simulation training were running through my head. I was ready for him.
Luckily, my boss, Terry, came to my aid. He pulled her away from the crowd to finish the conversation. By this point, I was rather angry and growing angrier when she tried to deny that I had warned her earlier. I left Terry to deal with her.
Because of that incident, the preachers continued to verbally abuse me and Terry. Still, I knew they were simply trying to get a reaction from me. They were easy to ignore.
However, I was still growing angry. The officer I had a problem with was still not any help. Me, Mike, and Terry had to keep telling him what to do. That should not have happened. He should have done his job after I gave him the initial instructions.
The preachers kept heckling me, telling students I would come for them and get them expelled from school if they talked back to the preachers. I looked over my shoulder at the other officer to see if he would do his job and go break up the new crowd. Nope! So, heckling aside, I did the job.
After several hours of this, he came up to me and made a comment about how I need to take it easy because I should not be in the sun in my condition. I said something to the effect that who would do his job if I didn't. After that exchange, I left. I had had enough! I played the cancer card and called it quits. Truth be told, though, me feet hurt, I was thirsty, and I was concerned about having been in the sun so long. Besides, I was afraid that if I didn't leave and calm down, I would have lost my cool with him or worse, with the street preachers.
Later, I went back and sat inside the Curb Cafe talking with Terry. From where we sat, I could see everything going on outside. To my surprise, the officer I was having issues with was doing his job and it looked like he was doing it well. As I had told Terry earlier in the day, "I know he's capable. I've seen him. I don't understand why he can't do his job!"
It occurred to me later that I was the one to blame. I enabled him. Yes, he is capable, but why should he be the bad guy if I was willing to do it for him?
Since we did not get a chance to have lunch because of the street preachers, Mike, Morgan, and I went out to eat for dinner. I ordered BBQ nachos, something I had never tried at Bar-B-Cuties. They looked good, but they were extremely spicy. I never liked spicy foods and I have been intentionally staying away from spicy since chemo. I won't even go to Popeye's because the chicken and red beans and rice are a tad spicy, even the mild. The doctor didn't say I couldn't eat it, but why bother if I don't like it and if it could make me sick?
However, I'm also very frugal and did not want to waste food. So, I ate it. By the time we got home I was miserable. My stomach was bloated, I had heart burn, and my mouth and throat felt like they were on fire. My body started to ache, too. My feet and hands hurt, and my knees and elbows ached. I finally fell asleep and had some very vivid, off the wall dreams. I blame the spicy food!
This morning, I woke up and felt like I had been beat up. I felt rough! Mike had told Terry he thought I might not feel like working today because of everything that happened yesterday. They all knew I should not have been out there in the sun that long. I told him there was no way I'd stay home. Staying home when I'm not sick would be too depressing. I spend too much time there as it is. That's why I like to go out for dinner and do things on the weekends when I'm not sick. I can't stand being cooped up anymore. I even get psychologically sick when I go to bed at night. I don't want to be in bed. It reminds me of being sick! Feeling beat up and tired is nothing compared to chemo weeks!
So, I came in and had a rather productive day. On my way back to my office from New Staff Orientation, I ran in to Terry and Jason, his boss and the Belmont lawyer. They told me the street preachers were back. He asked if I wanted to go. I said no. I was still feeling the effects of yesterday. He gave me a free pass and agreed that I shouldn't be in the sun again today. Besides, since I only work every other week, I had enough work I needed to get done!
Going to the firing range with some friends tomorrow and then dinner with Brad on Sunday. Hope to get a lot of fun activity out of the house before session eight on Monday. No one is coming into town this time. Brad is going to take me to my appointments and spend the days with me while Mike is at work and Morgan is at school. I have learned that having someone around is vitally important to my mental health!
These men go around college campuses all over the country and preach hate in the name of religion. They are basically a paid cult who believe they are sinless and everyone else are evil sinners. They are crude and rude and do a rather good job getting reactions out of people. These reactions, by their estimation, prove their point that people are sinful. They video these reactions and post them online. They can't seem to understand that they are just as or worse than those they are provoking.
Last year, we did not have clear directives or guidance and the police would not help because these men know just how far they can push things without breaking the law. (The police made a presence, but could not stop it or make them leave.) Things got very nasty and some of our students acted very unbecoming and fed right into the hands of these street preachers.
This time, we were prepared. We had discussed what to do should this ever happen again. We may not be able to control the street preachers, but we can control the students. Our job - keep the crowds moving and issue student misconduct citations to any student who talks to, instigates, or does anything unbecoming and that would violate the Belmont code of conduct.
When I arrived, I told the officers there exactly what to do. Keep the crowd moving and issue student misconduct forms to anyone who refuses to obey our directives. 99% of the students were very understanding. I simply went up to them and asked if they had anywhere else to be. I explained that we did not want another incident like last year. If they were not here last year, I told them a little bit about it. I then explained that the best way to deal with these guys is if there was no crowd to preach to. Most understood and quietly left. There were a few who bucked up and ignored us.
I did not mind doing this even though I am not supposed to be out in the sun. I rather enjoyed interacting with the students. One student noticed me from a program in the residence halls a few weeks ago. He asked me what happened to my hair. I told him I was going through chemo and didn't have any hair. That's when I told me how he knew me. I told him that was a wig and that I got tired of wearing the wig. Another student sitting nearby heard this and asked about the cancer. He has a family member going through treatment as well. He asked to see my head. I took off my hat and showed him my bald head. "Bald is beautiful," he said.
What got my blood pressure up were the officers who seemed to be hiding in the back and were not doing as told, being seen, but not helping break up crowds.
One female student I had asked to leave did not want to leave. After talking with her, I told her she could stay as long as she simply listened and did not get involved in any way. She agreed at first. Later, she raised her hand as if to ask a question. When I confronted her, things got nasty for a minute.
She still refused to leave. She was within feet of the preachers. I kept my back to the preachers and spoke softly with her. I was issuing her a student misconduct citation. The preacher heard her side of the conversation and moved in toward us. A man with a camera tried to video us. I kept moving so that my back was to him. The preacher made the comment that women in authority are lesbians. I ignored what he said, but her actions caused a crowd to start forming. The preacher moved closer and stood just behind me on my right, on my gun side.
I tried to continue talking to the student and answer her questions, but I could not ignore this man. I thought he was about to put his hands on me. I was ready to fight back and take control of the situation. My Krav Maga and recent simulation training were running through my head. I was ready for him.
Luckily, my boss, Terry, came to my aid. He pulled her away from the crowd to finish the conversation. By this point, I was rather angry and growing angrier when she tried to deny that I had warned her earlier. I left Terry to deal with her.
Because of that incident, the preachers continued to verbally abuse me and Terry. Still, I knew they were simply trying to get a reaction from me. They were easy to ignore.
However, I was still growing angry. The officer I had a problem with was still not any help. Me, Mike, and Terry had to keep telling him what to do. That should not have happened. He should have done his job after I gave him the initial instructions.
The preachers kept heckling me, telling students I would come for them and get them expelled from school if they talked back to the preachers. I looked over my shoulder at the other officer to see if he would do his job and go break up the new crowd. Nope! So, heckling aside, I did the job.
After several hours of this, he came up to me and made a comment about how I need to take it easy because I should not be in the sun in my condition. I said something to the effect that who would do his job if I didn't. After that exchange, I left. I had had enough! I played the cancer card and called it quits. Truth be told, though, me feet hurt, I was thirsty, and I was concerned about having been in the sun so long. Besides, I was afraid that if I didn't leave and calm down, I would have lost my cool with him or worse, with the street preachers.
Later, I went back and sat inside the Curb Cafe talking with Terry. From where we sat, I could see everything going on outside. To my surprise, the officer I was having issues with was doing his job and it looked like he was doing it well. As I had told Terry earlier in the day, "I know he's capable. I've seen him. I don't understand why he can't do his job!"
It occurred to me later that I was the one to blame. I enabled him. Yes, he is capable, but why should he be the bad guy if I was willing to do it for him?
Since we did not get a chance to have lunch because of the street preachers, Mike, Morgan, and I went out to eat for dinner. I ordered BBQ nachos, something I had never tried at Bar-B-Cuties. They looked good, but they were extremely spicy. I never liked spicy foods and I have been intentionally staying away from spicy since chemo. I won't even go to Popeye's because the chicken and red beans and rice are a tad spicy, even the mild. The doctor didn't say I couldn't eat it, but why bother if I don't like it and if it could make me sick?
However, I'm also very frugal and did not want to waste food. So, I ate it. By the time we got home I was miserable. My stomach was bloated, I had heart burn, and my mouth and throat felt like they were on fire. My body started to ache, too. My feet and hands hurt, and my knees and elbows ached. I finally fell asleep and had some very vivid, off the wall dreams. I blame the spicy food!
This morning, I woke up and felt like I had been beat up. I felt rough! Mike had told Terry he thought I might not feel like working today because of everything that happened yesterday. They all knew I should not have been out there in the sun that long. I told him there was no way I'd stay home. Staying home when I'm not sick would be too depressing. I spend too much time there as it is. That's why I like to go out for dinner and do things on the weekends when I'm not sick. I can't stand being cooped up anymore. I even get psychologically sick when I go to bed at night. I don't want to be in bed. It reminds me of being sick! Feeling beat up and tired is nothing compared to chemo weeks!
So, I came in and had a rather productive day. On my way back to my office from New Staff Orientation, I ran in to Terry and Jason, his boss and the Belmont lawyer. They told me the street preachers were back. He asked if I wanted to go. I said no. I was still feeling the effects of yesterday. He gave me a free pass and agreed that I shouldn't be in the sun again today. Besides, since I only work every other week, I had enough work I needed to get done!
Going to the firing range with some friends tomorrow and then dinner with Brad on Sunday. Hope to get a lot of fun activity out of the house before session eight on Monday. No one is coming into town this time. Brad is going to take me to my appointments and spend the days with me while Mike is at work and Morgan is at school. I have learned that having someone around is vitally important to my mental health!
Work Simulation
From CaringBridge site:
What a strange night! I think I died or had a dream I was dying. I wonder if that's what sleep apnea feels like! Maybe I just got a really dry throat or the drastic change in temperature got to me. Either way, I shot up out of bed gasping for air. I drank some water, but still kept coughing. Didn't scare me or anything. Just thought it was a strange experience. The coughing subsided and I went back to sleep.
The temperature dropped to the 40s and the AC was still on. I would be cuddled up with an extra cover over me then I would have a hot flash and kick them off. Then, I would be freezing and pull the covers back over me. I sure do hope this para menopausal thing is temporary. If not, me and the doctor are going to have to have a different kind of talk after chemo is over!!!
I've had a pretty good week so far. As you know, my class was cancelled Monday to set up for our armed officer simulation exercise. I had asked my boss if I could sit in on the others this year. I was afraid that because of my chemo brain and aching muscles, I would not perform well. I still wanted to run through it myself, but I thought I would get more out of watching others. Since part of my role at work is the training officer, he agreed.
So, I went through simulation on Monday afternoon. I remember them teasing me last year that I was acting more like a counselor and needed to respond more like law enforcement. During one scenario, a girl had a gun to her head threatening suicide. Instead of pulling out my weapon and taking cover while I talked to her, I went and kneeled down in front of her. She turned the gun on me and shot me.
The simulation is an interactive video. The man who runs it can control, to a point, how the people on the screen react based on what I do or say. He even has a devise that will shoot little pellets at you when the person on the screen fires. (The machine was not working last year and he didn't use it on my this year. He really only uses it to increase the stress level of those too calm in order to mimic the stress level of a real life scenario.) The program also records where our shots with the air gun strike so we can see how accurate we are under stress. It proves my point that I make to students when talking about defending against weapons or using a weapon as a self defense tool. Even the best shots can be inaccurate under stress and against a moving target, even at very close range.
The suspect doesn't always shoot. The simulation is also intended to help us with our decision making skills--what weapon will we need for this situation--gun, asp baton, our body, or simply our voice?
I surprised myself this year. I did much better than I have in past years and remembered more details during the debrief. I suppose the lessons I learned from past years helped. I also think I may have mentally over compensated for my brain and body fatigue.
Watching others did help in several ways. One, I am one of the least experienced armed officers on campus. Most of the others have prior police or military experience. I thought that because of my status, I would be the worst performing. Turns out, my decision making skills and shooting ability is at par with the others! Suppose my experience at Belmont is more valuable than I imagined!
I also saw some areas I would like to improve in future simulation trainings or things we can do now to improve our performance. Very happy about how everyone performed and my role in it all this year and where we can take it in the future! Things like this really make me love my job and feel like I am an important member of this team!
I also had a talk with my boss about how I was feeling like I was letting him and others down. He told me he would tell me if I was letting him down. As a matter of fact, he used me as an example to someone else about working hard and being a forward and big picture thinker--describing how I stay late the weeks I am here to get as much done as possible and how I still answer emails and do what I can even when I am out and not feeling well. That made me feel better about things.
Last night was an example of me staying late. A friend of mine was working over as well and stopped to chat with me. He told me that I have inspired him some lately. He is going through a divorce and it is dragging on longer than he had hoped. At first, he didn't want the divorce, but he has now found peace and is ready to move on. However, the process is still dragging on and it has gotten to him some. Then, he thinks about me and what I am going through and he thinks, "if Renee can deal with that, I can deal with this." I told him about Tynan and my niece and nephew. I told him they were my motivators in the same way. He is a spiritual guy and we also discussed how what we go through, whether divorce or cancer, isn't about us. It's about others and how our experiences can help us to help and love others. Good talk!
Written Sep 19, 2012 8:13am by Renee Albracht
What a strange night! I think I died or had a dream I was dying. I wonder if that's what sleep apnea feels like! Maybe I just got a really dry throat or the drastic change in temperature got to me. Either way, I shot up out of bed gasping for air. I drank some water, but still kept coughing. Didn't scare me or anything. Just thought it was a strange experience. The coughing subsided and I went back to sleep.
The temperature dropped to the 40s and the AC was still on. I would be cuddled up with an extra cover over me then I would have a hot flash and kick them off. Then, I would be freezing and pull the covers back over me. I sure do hope this para menopausal thing is temporary. If not, me and the doctor are going to have to have a different kind of talk after chemo is over!!!
I've had a pretty good week so far. As you know, my class was cancelled Monday to set up for our armed officer simulation exercise. I had asked my boss if I could sit in on the others this year. I was afraid that because of my chemo brain and aching muscles, I would not perform well. I still wanted to run through it myself, but I thought I would get more out of watching others. Since part of my role at work is the training officer, he agreed.
So, I went through simulation on Monday afternoon. I remember them teasing me last year that I was acting more like a counselor and needed to respond more like law enforcement. During one scenario, a girl had a gun to her head threatening suicide. Instead of pulling out my weapon and taking cover while I talked to her, I went and kneeled down in front of her. She turned the gun on me and shot me.
The simulation is an interactive video. The man who runs it can control, to a point, how the people on the screen react based on what I do or say. He even has a devise that will shoot little pellets at you when the person on the screen fires. (The machine was not working last year and he didn't use it on my this year. He really only uses it to increase the stress level of those too calm in order to mimic the stress level of a real life scenario.) The program also records where our shots with the air gun strike so we can see how accurate we are under stress. It proves my point that I make to students when talking about defending against weapons or using a weapon as a self defense tool. Even the best shots can be inaccurate under stress and against a moving target, even at very close range.
The suspect doesn't always shoot. The simulation is also intended to help us with our decision making skills--what weapon will we need for this situation--gun, asp baton, our body, or simply our voice?
I surprised myself this year. I did much better than I have in past years and remembered more details during the debrief. I suppose the lessons I learned from past years helped. I also think I may have mentally over compensated for my brain and body fatigue.
Watching others did help in several ways. One, I am one of the least experienced armed officers on campus. Most of the others have prior police or military experience. I thought that because of my status, I would be the worst performing. Turns out, my decision making skills and shooting ability is at par with the others! Suppose my experience at Belmont is more valuable than I imagined!
I also saw some areas I would like to improve in future simulation trainings or things we can do now to improve our performance. Very happy about how everyone performed and my role in it all this year and where we can take it in the future! Things like this really make me love my job and feel like I am an important member of this team!
I also had a talk with my boss about how I was feeling like I was letting him and others down. He told me he would tell me if I was letting him down. As a matter of fact, he used me as an example to someone else about working hard and being a forward and big picture thinker--describing how I stay late the weeks I am here to get as much done as possible and how I still answer emails and do what I can even when I am out and not feeling well. That made me feel better about things.
Last night was an example of me staying late. A friend of mine was working over as well and stopped to chat with me. He told me that I have inspired him some lately. He is going through a divorce and it is dragging on longer than he had hoped. At first, he didn't want the divorce, but he has now found peace and is ready to move on. However, the process is still dragging on and it has gotten to him some. Then, he thinks about me and what I am going through and he thinks, "if Renee can deal with that, I can deal with this." I told him about Tynan and my niece and nephew. I told him they were my motivators in the same way. He is a spiritual guy and we also discussed how what we go through, whether divorce or cancer, isn't about us. It's about others and how our experiences can help us to help and love others. Good talk!
Giving My Testimony
From Caring Bridge site:
I made it through church yesterday, but that was about it. Getting ready wore me out. Since I was going to be standing in front of the entire congregation, I wanted to look nice. So, I pulled out the iron and wore pants instead of jeans. Unfortunately, the first pair were a bit long and my only pair of brown shoes look old and worn. I would wear them any other time if I were not going to be in front of so many. Fortunately, my daddy ironed another pair for me!
During prayer time, my dad came and prayed with me. With his hands on my shoulders, a friend's hand on my arm, and one of the pastor's praying with me, I cried. I do that so much these days. Again, as I've said before, it's not because I feel sorry for myself, I simply feel humbled and truly blessed and loved.
As Pastor Ulmet preached, I began to get a hot flash and with that plastic on my head (the wig), sweat ran down my temples. I usually freeze in church! When I don't feel well and I get a hot flash, I start getting light headed and feel sick. As I listened to the sermon, I prayed the hot flash would pass before the pastor called me up. Last thing I wanted was to lose focus or pass out! I was not nervous, but I did not want to look sick in front of everyone.
This moment was important for me. I knew what I wanted to say even though I did not know exactly what Pastor Ulmet intended on asking me. I know my story is not unique. I know there are countless others who are prideful and don't know how to love or be loved. I knew God wanted to use me to speak to someone else.
As always, when it's God's will, He will make it happen. The hot flash went away and I spoke what was on my heart. Not one bit nervous or nauseous! Luckily, our church posts sermons online. I recommend you listen to the whole thing, powerful and uplifting sermon. However, if you want to listen just to my portion for now, it starts somewhere around minute 32. (Sept 16) http://www.nfcn.org/templates/_1stchurchnaz/details.asp?id=35458&PID=436436
My dad, Mike, and Morgan came with me. We did not stay for Sunday School, though. I told my friends, Tommy and Carol, that I would not be joining them for Sunday School or lunch. Tommy said I looked good. My dad said I put up a good front.
We went home and I spent the day lounging on my bed with Dad watching football. Had I not felt bad, that would have been a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon! I missed the end of my Texans game because I decided to take an anti nausea pill. The pills may not be taking away my nausea, but they put me to sleep. At least while I sleep, I don't know I hurt!
Just before the game started, The Parrotts (my Sunday School teacher and his wife) called. They prayed with me over the phone and told me I made several in the class cry with my interview. They said it was even more special knowing I wasn't feeling well at the time.
That's a part of the change the class, and my family and friends, have made in me by teaching me about love. I am starting to learn to do things out of love for others and not merely do what's best for me or what I want to do. I am learning to become like those others I have so admired!
My dad left early this morning. After taking him to the airport, I came home and went back to bed. I knew I had a lot on my plate today at work, but I still was not/am not feeling well. However, the nausea isn't so intense. I can now burp and yawn without feeling like I'm going to vomit.
It was an email from my aunt Amy that finally got me out of bed. She asked if I was able to suck it up and go to work even though I felt yucky! "HOPE you can...easy for me to say, eh!!" She is so sweet and cute! Love you, Aunt Amy (or should I say 'Grandma Amy')! As I lay there cuddled with Bailey listening to and watching the rain outside, I gave her a gentle squeeze and a kiss and said, "Time to get up! Momma's got to suck it up and get to work!"
And...yes...Tynan is still my inspiration. I put the sticker my sister sent me which reads "Tynan Tough" by my television so I see it all the time. If that little boy could go through all he went through, so can I!!!!
Before coming to work, I texted my boss to see if it was okay if I could come in without the wig. In our line of work, perception is reality. Some might think I shaved my head on purpose and that may not be the image we want to portray in this department. It is just too uncomfortable with the hot flashes, though. He, of course, didn't care. Said it was up to me and my comfort level. I rarely ever wear it anymore and am not perfectly comfortable without it. So, today I am at work without the wig. I am wearing my security ball cap, though!!!
Oh...and one more thing...God works in mysterious ways! Our office is having a simulation exercise for our armed officers tomorrow. The guy is coming today to set up. He is using the same space we were supposed to use for my self defense class. Since he is using the space, we can't have class tonight! My instructor coming in for the physical portion of the class will cover most of the lecture stuff throughout the other classes. They will also have the workbook as reference and I invited them back next semester if they want to make it up. I also sent an email highlighting some of the basics of daily crime prevention. I would normally be upset with this setback, but given my current circumstances, I see this as divine intervention. I am still not that good at letting go (even temporarily) of my responsibilities and things I enjoy doing!
Written Sep 17, 2012 11:09am by Renee Albracht
I made it through church yesterday, but that was about it. Getting ready wore me out. Since I was going to be standing in front of the entire congregation, I wanted to look nice. So, I pulled out the iron and wore pants instead of jeans. Unfortunately, the first pair were a bit long and my only pair of brown shoes look old and worn. I would wear them any other time if I were not going to be in front of so many. Fortunately, my daddy ironed another pair for me!
During prayer time, my dad came and prayed with me. With his hands on my shoulders, a friend's hand on my arm, and one of the pastor's praying with me, I cried. I do that so much these days. Again, as I've said before, it's not because I feel sorry for myself, I simply feel humbled and truly blessed and loved.
As Pastor Ulmet preached, I began to get a hot flash and with that plastic on my head (the wig), sweat ran down my temples. I usually freeze in church! When I don't feel well and I get a hot flash, I start getting light headed and feel sick. As I listened to the sermon, I prayed the hot flash would pass before the pastor called me up. Last thing I wanted was to lose focus or pass out! I was not nervous, but I did not want to look sick in front of everyone.
This moment was important for me. I knew what I wanted to say even though I did not know exactly what Pastor Ulmet intended on asking me. I know my story is not unique. I know there are countless others who are prideful and don't know how to love or be loved. I knew God wanted to use me to speak to someone else.
As always, when it's God's will, He will make it happen. The hot flash went away and I spoke what was on my heart. Not one bit nervous or nauseous! Luckily, our church posts sermons online. I recommend you listen to the whole thing, powerful and uplifting sermon. However, if you want to listen just to my portion for now, it starts somewhere around minute 32. (Sept 16) http://www.nfcn.org/templates/_1stchurchnaz/details.asp?id=35458&PID=436436
My dad, Mike, and Morgan came with me. We did not stay for Sunday School, though. I told my friends, Tommy and Carol, that I would not be joining them for Sunday School or lunch. Tommy said I looked good. My dad said I put up a good front.
We went home and I spent the day lounging on my bed with Dad watching football. Had I not felt bad, that would have been a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon! I missed the end of my Texans game because I decided to take an anti nausea pill. The pills may not be taking away my nausea, but they put me to sleep. At least while I sleep, I don't know I hurt!
Just before the game started, The Parrotts (my Sunday School teacher and his wife) called. They prayed with me over the phone and told me I made several in the class cry with my interview. They said it was even more special knowing I wasn't feeling well at the time.
That's a part of the change the class, and my family and friends, have made in me by teaching me about love. I am starting to learn to do things out of love for others and not merely do what's best for me or what I want to do. I am learning to become like those others I have so admired!
My dad left early this morning. After taking him to the airport, I came home and went back to bed. I knew I had a lot on my plate today at work, but I still was not/am not feeling well. However, the nausea isn't so intense. I can now burp and yawn without feeling like I'm going to vomit.
It was an email from my aunt Amy that finally got me out of bed. She asked if I was able to suck it up and go to work even though I felt yucky! "HOPE you can...easy for me to say, eh!!" She is so sweet and cute! Love you, Aunt Amy (or should I say 'Grandma Amy')! As I lay there cuddled with Bailey listening to and watching the rain outside, I gave her a gentle squeeze and a kiss and said, "Time to get up! Momma's got to suck it up and get to work!"
And...yes...Tynan is still my inspiration. I put the sticker my sister sent me which reads "Tynan Tough" by my television so I see it all the time. If that little boy could go through all he went through, so can I!!!!
Before coming to work, I texted my boss to see if it was okay if I could come in without the wig. In our line of work, perception is reality. Some might think I shaved my head on purpose and that may not be the image we want to portray in this department. It is just too uncomfortable with the hot flashes, though. He, of course, didn't care. Said it was up to me and my comfort level. I rarely ever wear it anymore and am not perfectly comfortable without it. So, today I am at work without the wig. I am wearing my security ball cap, though!!!
Oh...and one more thing...God works in mysterious ways! Our office is having a simulation exercise for our armed officers tomorrow. The guy is coming today to set up. He is using the same space we were supposed to use for my self defense class. Since he is using the space, we can't have class tonight! My instructor coming in for the physical portion of the class will cover most of the lecture stuff throughout the other classes. They will also have the workbook as reference and I invited them back next semester if they want to make it up. I also sent an email highlighting some of the basics of daily crime prevention. I would normally be upset with this setback, but given my current circumstances, I see this as divine intervention. I am still not that good at letting go (even temporarily) of my responsibilities and things I enjoy doing!
Getting Harder to Bounce Back
From CaringBridge site:
It's been a while so I thought I should get online and let everyone know how I am doing. True to form, no chemo session is exactly alike. This time, the chemo brain went away pretty quickly. I stayed in bed most of the day on Wednesday, but unlike the last times, I barely slept. I was out of bed on Thursday already. However, I didn't make if off the couch!
On Friday, I attempted to go run some errands. Well, I managed to run those errands, but it took everything out of me. A short trip to Goodwill with my dad zapped my energy. My right arm ached terribly. It was excruciating. Hurt to do anything. Felt like someone was wringing my arm like it was a wet towel. Because of the pain in the arm, I did not sleep well Thursday or Friday nights.
This morning, I thought I was better. I felt well and although my arm still hurt, it was not so unbearable. I even had an appetite so we all went to IHOP for breakfast. Soon after coming home, though, I started feeling sick again. The nausea has lasted a lot longer than normal this time. It is hits me on Wednesday and is usually gone already by Thursday, with a short duration on the Monday of chemo. This time, it hit during chemo and hasn't left yet. The pills didn't seem to do any good so I quit taking them. They make me groggy. Dad thinks the flu shot may be responsible for this. The doctor did say I may get sick from it. Luckily, though, I have not had any fever, only hot flashes!
My shoulders have started to hurt so I sat up in bed and watched movies most of the day. Laying in bed sitting up on pillows is more comfortable than sitting or laying on the couch.
I also feel like I could vomit at any time. Every time I burp, I feel like I'm about to vomit. I kind of wish I would. Maybe I would feel better if I did.
I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am going to be a part of the church service tomorrow. Granted, it is a very very small role, I still want to be there. I also love Sunday School and my friend Carol invited me and my dad to lunch. At this point, I think I'll be lucky to make it through church. Hopefully, though, the nausea will miraculously leave me and I will feel more normal again tomorrow. If not, oh well. What can I do? Only five more sessions...God willing.
Monday is also supposed to be a busy day. I have the first session of my self defense class starting. I wanted to lead this one. It's only lecture. But, the class doesn't start until 6pm. I have a busy day before that. There are two big projects waiting on me. People have been great waiting on my timeline. I sure hate to let them down. Please pray that I can get through Monday!
Written Sep 15, 2012 6:28pm by Renee Albracht
It's been a while so I thought I should get online and let everyone know how I am doing. True to form, no chemo session is exactly alike. This time, the chemo brain went away pretty quickly. I stayed in bed most of the day on Wednesday, but unlike the last times, I barely slept. I was out of bed on Thursday already. However, I didn't make if off the couch!
On Friday, I attempted to go run some errands. Well, I managed to run those errands, but it took everything out of me. A short trip to Goodwill with my dad zapped my energy. My right arm ached terribly. It was excruciating. Hurt to do anything. Felt like someone was wringing my arm like it was a wet towel. Because of the pain in the arm, I did not sleep well Thursday or Friday nights.
This morning, I thought I was better. I felt well and although my arm still hurt, it was not so unbearable. I even had an appetite so we all went to IHOP for breakfast. Soon after coming home, though, I started feeling sick again. The nausea has lasted a lot longer than normal this time. It is hits me on Wednesday and is usually gone already by Thursday, with a short duration on the Monday of chemo. This time, it hit during chemo and hasn't left yet. The pills didn't seem to do any good so I quit taking them. They make me groggy. Dad thinks the flu shot may be responsible for this. The doctor did say I may get sick from it. Luckily, though, I have not had any fever, only hot flashes!
My shoulders have started to hurt so I sat up in bed and watched movies most of the day. Laying in bed sitting up on pillows is more comfortable than sitting or laying on the couch.
I also feel like I could vomit at any time. Every time I burp, I feel like I'm about to vomit. I kind of wish I would. Maybe I would feel better if I did.
I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am going to be a part of the church service tomorrow. Granted, it is a very very small role, I still want to be there. I also love Sunday School and my friend Carol invited me and my dad to lunch. At this point, I think I'll be lucky to make it through church. Hopefully, though, the nausea will miraculously leave me and I will feel more normal again tomorrow. If not, oh well. What can I do? Only five more sessions...God willing.
Monday is also supposed to be a busy day. I have the first session of my self defense class starting. I wanted to lead this one. It's only lecture. But, the class doesn't start until 6pm. I have a busy day before that. There are two big projects waiting on me. People have been great waiting on my timeline. I sure hate to let them down. Please pray that I can get through Monday!
Every Cycle is Different
From CaringBridge site:
While meeting with the doctor before chemo, we talk about how things went during the last cycle. I told him how this session took longer to get over. He reminded me what he told me in the beginning about my body being like a prize fighter and that it would get harder. Then, it would get better. It's an up and down cycle. It was good to hear my blood counts were not the cause of it.
I also told him how I feel manic during good days, how my body and brain go in the extreme opposite direction and I cannot get either to slow down. He said that, too, was normal. Just like how I tend to eat more during good weeks, my body is simply over compensating for the week prior.
He looked at my dad and said that only happens with the young ones and not with the old bodies like theirs. My dad said, "Thanks a lot!" Love my doctor. He is so personable!
During chemo, I started feeling sick to my stomach. It didn't last long. I debated between getting up and going to the restroom or staying put and waiting it out. Luckily, I was quite groggy and ended up falling asleep and sleeping off the pain.
After chemo, my stomach was okay, but I was much groggier than normal. I came home and went to bed. I got up long enough for dinner. My dad made tacos and I ate four. Still a good appetite at least!
After dinner, Dad watched television in bed with me for a little while before going to bed himself.
I didn't sleep well, though. Between the nausea and hot flashes, it was not a restful sleep. (Mom, I did remember to wake up and take my pill. Didn't help much, though.)
I usually feel pretty normal on Tuesdays. Not today. I am still groggy and a bit sick to my stomach, but I got out of bed. My dad made me breakfast, I got the crock pot chicken ready for dinner, and I am now on the couch with my laptop writing this update and doing some work.
And...I am drinking juice and water. That is also something new. I feel very thirsty and am drinking plenty right now. I also started taking the stool softener and eating my yogurt to try to defend against the constipation before it strikes!
Yesterday, I asked the doctor if I could wait and get my flu shot today when I go back for the other shot. He agreed. So, I am trying to do what I can while I can just in case the shot does make me sick.
Written Sep 11, 2012 10:41am by Renee Albracht
While meeting with the doctor before chemo, we talk about how things went during the last cycle. I told him how this session took longer to get over. He reminded me what he told me in the beginning about my body being like a prize fighter and that it would get harder. Then, it would get better. It's an up and down cycle. It was good to hear my blood counts were not the cause of it.
I also told him how I feel manic during good days, how my body and brain go in the extreme opposite direction and I cannot get either to slow down. He said that, too, was normal. Just like how I tend to eat more during good weeks, my body is simply over compensating for the week prior.
He looked at my dad and said that only happens with the young ones and not with the old bodies like theirs. My dad said, "Thanks a lot!" Love my doctor. He is so personable!
During chemo, I started feeling sick to my stomach. It didn't last long. I debated between getting up and going to the restroom or staying put and waiting it out. Luckily, I was quite groggy and ended up falling asleep and sleeping off the pain.
After chemo, my stomach was okay, but I was much groggier than normal. I came home and went to bed. I got up long enough for dinner. My dad made tacos and I ate four. Still a good appetite at least!
After dinner, Dad watched television in bed with me for a little while before going to bed himself.
I didn't sleep well, though. Between the nausea and hot flashes, it was not a restful sleep. (Mom, I did remember to wake up and take my pill. Didn't help much, though.)
I usually feel pretty normal on Tuesdays. Not today. I am still groggy and a bit sick to my stomach, but I got out of bed. My dad made me breakfast, I got the crock pot chicken ready for dinner, and I am now on the couch with my laptop writing this update and doing some work.
And...I am drinking juice and water. That is also something new. I feel very thirsty and am drinking plenty right now. I also started taking the stool softener and eating my yogurt to try to defend against the constipation before it strikes!
Yesterday, I asked the doctor if I could wait and get my flu shot today when I go back for the other shot. He agreed. So, I am trying to do what I can while I can just in case the shot does make me sick.
Session Seven
From CaringBridge site:
Written Sep 10, 2012 1:19pm by Renee Albracht
Just got done meeting with my doctor. Just about to start chemo. They are running behind. Tests results came back negative which is awesome. Doesn't mean there is no cancer, but does mean they are not feeding or growing. I still have to continue chemo. At the end, we will do another PET scan. If that one comes back negative, we can consider me "healed" and they will just monitor me, but no further surgeries or bone marrow transplant will be necessary. They are giving me a flu shot today, too. Said it may give me a fervor or make me sick.
Over Stressed
From CaringBridge site:
Written Sep 9, 2012 8:28pm by Renee Albracht
I have been going a million miles a minute the past few days. By Thursday afternoon, I finally started to feel better and I've been like the energizer bunny. I just keep going and going and going. My body and my mind will not stop. It's a complete 180 from what my body goes through during chemo weeks.
It's been good and bad. Good because I have had a lot to do this week at work. I had programs in the residence halls about crime preventions--everything from petty theft to active shooters. I also had to work on our annual security report. It is due by the first of October and since I only work every other week, I had a lot to do in order to have time for my boss and my boss's boss to review it before we publish it. This is my first year doing it so it took a lot longer than it otherwise would. Loved all of it, though. Made me feel needed at work--even if I did have to work on it this weekend.
It is bad because I feel a little ADD. All my life, I have been a middle of the road kind of person. Now, I go from one extreme to the other twice a month. Can't wait until I can find a happy medium again.
Friday was a little interesting. I had an appointment for a PET scan on Friday and I had to be there at 7:00am. I had bad dreams for two nights in a row that I missed my appointment. The first night, I dreamt I overslept and it was my fault I was late. The next night, it was the doctor's fault. They were running way behind and wanted to cancel on me last minute. At least that time, MIke Holmes overheard me ranting and raving. He took pity on me and invited me to his house for a BBQ. Unfortunately, his girlfriend was with him and she was super nice!
So, I did everything the night before to make sure I didn't miss my appointment. I woke up early, left the house early, arrived early and pulled out my work to edit while I waited.
The man called my name and then asked me what I was doing there so early. Said they didn't have me scheduled until 1pm. I told him I was told to be there at 7am for an 8am appointment. I finally realized he was referring to the pulmonary function test scheduled for 1pm. They had no record of a 7am PET scan appointment. He told me the imaging center wasn't even open yet! I tried to call my doctor, but they didn't answer either. My bad dream was coming true!
The man called my name and then asked me what I was doing there so early. Said they didn't have me scheduled until 1pm. I told him I was told to be there at 7am for an 8am appointment. I finally realized he was referring to the pulmonary function test scheduled for 1pm. They had no record of a 7am PET scan appointment. He told me the imaging center wasn't even open yet! I tried to call my doctor, but they didn't answer either. My bad dream was coming true!
I called Mike and luckily, he hadn't left the house yet. He checked my paperwork and I was at the wrong place! My last test was at Centennial Hospital and my pulmonary test was going to be at Centennial. I assumed the PET scan would be there, too! I forgot about the change.
So, I rush to figure out where to go next. I'm struggling to drive and look at the GPS on my phone. I found a number to the place and told them of my dilemma and asked if I could still come. I was only 30 minutes late and they said I could still come in! Yea!
I arrived and they gave me two 16oz cups of contrast. Luckily, this time it really did taste like fruit punch. I downed them with no problem! Then, they took me to a room with a chair that leans back, a pillow and a blanket. This confused me a bit. The nurse explained that they were giving me sugar water chased by radiation. The cancer cells would feed on that and would be visible during the scan. After the injection, they wanted me to lay still and do nothing for about an hour. They even turned off the lights! I planned on meeting people for breakfast. I texted my friend before turning off my phone. After that, the scan took twenty minutes.
I find out the results tomorrow.
I'm over stressed today. I have my routine I like to do on the day before chemo. I like to make sure everything is clean, especially my sheets and the restroom. My immune system is about to be shot and these two areas need to be hospital clean for me. I also like to have what I call my "last meal." Everything the day before chemo becomes so urgent. I need to be ready for a week when I will be unable to take care of myself or be of any use to anyone else.
Today, it all went to hell. I had the added stress of trying to finish that report for work--at least well enough to be able to send to my boss for review. A few other things went wrong today. Sometimes, I feel like such a burden and what really stinks is that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm stuck. I can't go home like I want to. I have no place to call my own and I can't help out to relieve the stress of others. Instead, I'm that added burden of stress.
I know work is supportive. I know most everyone else in my life is, too. It's the part of me that wants to be able to take care of myself and my own responsibilities that's getting in the way. It's the part of me trying to make everything perfect so I don't get even more sick that's getting in the way--me trying to control something I have no control over. It's me trying to be strong when I just want to scream out to God and say "why me?" It's the guilt I feel at thinking this when one friend is about to undergo chemo tomorrow for the second time and my niece and nephew have a much more serious and life threatening condition. Who am I to feel sorry for myself?
On the plus side, my Sunday School class gave me some money to help out with expenses this week. It's still hard for me to accept gifts that I don't need since I could buy my own food, but I love the heart and sentiment behind it. Their desire to help any way they can make me feel loved.
My dad is here this week. That is another bright side. Nothing like the love and support from family. Since I didn't get to have my calming day, I sure am glad he will be here to keep me from getting in a funk the rest of the week.
My dad is here this week. That is another bright side. Nothing like the love and support from family. Since I didn't get to have my calming day, I sure am glad he will be here to keep me from getting in a funk the rest of the week.
Well, off to bed to try to give it all to God and let it go. It seems I'm a little more high strung this week. I think it's because I didn't start feeling better until Thursday. I had too short a reprieve this time and I'm not ready to get sick again. Need to go talk to God and get my mind straight for tomorrow!
*I had talked to my dad earlier about my stress. After posting this, I talked about my stress with a friend. Just sharing my feelings seems to help a lot. Knowing this, why is it still so hard for me to open up with people?
*I had talked to my dad earlier about my stress. After posting this, I talked about my stress with a friend. Just sharing my feelings seems to help a lot. Knowing this, why is it still so hard for me to open up with people?
Feeling ADD Gets Me Through the Day
From CaringBridge site:
I don't have much to say today. I have a lot of work to do, which is a good thing.
Praise God I had enough energy to get through a long day. I had two programs yesterday, one at 10am and one at 5pm. Both went well and were very well received. After work, I went to church. My friend Carol started a new Wednesday evening elective called Life Story Writing. It was fun! After church, I picked up Bailey from her daddy's house and headed home. Got home close to 8:30pm.
Didn't feel well yesterday. Allergies seem to be kicking up pretty bad. The back of my throat hurt some and I kept coughing up crud. My mom asked if I was going to call the doctor. I said no. I know what they would ask me.
What color is the mucus?
Clear.
No infection. Probably just allergies. (This time of year is the worst for me.)
Although I have enough energy to get through the day and stay focused on the task at hand, it is not as it has been. During past off weeks, I have felt a little ADD, like I was bouncing off the walls and my brain was going a million miles a minute. Now, I feel run down. I feel like I did before I got sick and stayed sick last March. It's about how I've been for the past two years. So, I want to complain because I really enjoy those great weeks. But, at least I'm not too sick to get out of bed!
Thank God for a little boy named Tynan. After writing my blog yesterday, I stayed out of my funk. Sure, I would love to be feeling better than I am, but I will take what I can get. That five year old little boy that I never met has given me strength. The rest is in God's hands.
Written Sep 6, 2012 8:26am by Renee Albracht
I don't have much to say today. I have a lot of work to do, which is a good thing.
Praise God I had enough energy to get through a long day. I had two programs yesterday, one at 10am and one at 5pm. Both went well and were very well received. After work, I went to church. My friend Carol started a new Wednesday evening elective called Life Story Writing. It was fun! After church, I picked up Bailey from her daddy's house and headed home. Got home close to 8:30pm.
Didn't feel well yesterday. Allergies seem to be kicking up pretty bad. The back of my throat hurt some and I kept coughing up crud. My mom asked if I was going to call the doctor. I said no. I know what they would ask me.
What color is the mucus?
Clear.
No infection. Probably just allergies. (This time of year is the worst for me.)
Although I have enough energy to get through the day and stay focused on the task at hand, it is not as it has been. During past off weeks, I have felt a little ADD, like I was bouncing off the walls and my brain was going a million miles a minute. Now, I feel run down. I feel like I did before I got sick and stayed sick last March. It's about how I've been for the past two years. So, I want to complain because I really enjoy those great weeks. But, at least I'm not too sick to get out of bed!
Thank God for a little boy named Tynan. After writing my blog yesterday, I stayed out of my funk. Sure, I would love to be feeling better than I am, but I will take what I can get. That five year old little boy that I never met has given me strength. The rest is in God's hands.
Tynan Lifts My Mood
From CaringBridge site:
Life with cancer truly is getting tougher. My body certainly is taking a beating. Ate half a piece of pizza last night and got terribly sick to my stomach. Started to feel faint again and went to bed early feeling rather depressed that I was not feeling well. Woke up in a funk this morning, still with a stomach ache.
I woke up yesterday not feeling as good as I would have liked, but feeling much better than I felt on Sunday. The day started with a stomach ache, but by mid morning, I felt better.
Then, I received an email from my insurance company letting me know that a claim had been processed on my behalf. I made the mistake of going to their website to look at it. That made me sick to my stomach. I saw all the medical bills that have gone through, what each one charged, what the insurance company paid, and what was left for me to eventually pay. I took those numbers and added what would be left for six more treatments and one more hospital stay. Wow! Even with the insurance company paying 80% in most cases, looks like, unless a miracle happens, I will be paying for this cancer long after the cancer is gone!
But, I quickly put that out of my mind the best I could. After all, the only other option would be to either not pay it or stop treatment--neither of which is really an option at all. So, since there is nothing I can do about it at this point, I put it out of my mind.
Well, that's not 100% true. I first emailed my family. My sister did a fundraiser for a family with a five year old son with Leukemia. I asked her and my family to think about possibly doing something like that for me. (Please keep them in your prayers. His name was Tynan Chapa and he passed away just over one month ago. You can follow his story at http://tynanscrusade.blogspot.com/ Be sure to have tissue with you as you read.)
On a side note, that little boy, a boy I never had the opportunity to meet, touched my heart so deeply. They had a candle light service during the fundraiser. He didn't want to light his candle. Yet, when he found out about my cancer, someone he knew only as Tori's sister, he wanted to light his candle for me. I cry now thinking about it.
I can't recall the whole story, but before he went to join Jesus, his mom asked him how he wanted to be remembered. Ladybugs reminded them of his grandmother. After contemplating this question, he answered, "a hummingbird." I used to never see hummingbirds around or at least never paid attention. Now it seems that I see them everywhere in art and picture. When I see it, I am reminded of that little lover or Jesus and I have hope--not that I will be lucky enough to be healed quickly and never have to face cancer or anything as nasty again. I simply have the hope of Christ. That is enough.
Wow! After typing that, my sour mood has lifted. A miracle! Thank you, Tynan!
The hope of Christ certainly is enough. Instead of writing what I intended, I will end with this for the day. The hope of Christ is enough!
Written Sep 5, 2012 8:07am by Renee Albracht
Life with cancer truly is getting tougher. My body certainly is taking a beating. Ate half a piece of pizza last night and got terribly sick to my stomach. Started to feel faint again and went to bed early feeling rather depressed that I was not feeling well. Woke up in a funk this morning, still with a stomach ache.
I woke up yesterday not feeling as good as I would have liked, but feeling much better than I felt on Sunday. The day started with a stomach ache, but by mid morning, I felt better.
Then, I received an email from my insurance company letting me know that a claim had been processed on my behalf. I made the mistake of going to their website to look at it. That made me sick to my stomach. I saw all the medical bills that have gone through, what each one charged, what the insurance company paid, and what was left for me to eventually pay. I took those numbers and added what would be left for six more treatments and one more hospital stay. Wow! Even with the insurance company paying 80% in most cases, looks like, unless a miracle happens, I will be paying for this cancer long after the cancer is gone!
But, I quickly put that out of my mind the best I could. After all, the only other option would be to either not pay it or stop treatment--neither of which is really an option at all. So, since there is nothing I can do about it at this point, I put it out of my mind.
Well, that's not 100% true. I first emailed my family. My sister did a fundraiser for a family with a five year old son with Leukemia. I asked her and my family to think about possibly doing something like that for me. (Please keep them in your prayers. His name was Tynan Chapa and he passed away just over one month ago. You can follow his story at http://tynanscrusade.blogspot.com/ Be sure to have tissue with you as you read.)
On a side note, that little boy, a boy I never had the opportunity to meet, touched my heart so deeply. They had a candle light service during the fundraiser. He didn't want to light his candle. Yet, when he found out about my cancer, someone he knew only as Tori's sister, he wanted to light his candle for me. I cry now thinking about it.
I can't recall the whole story, but before he went to join Jesus, his mom asked him how he wanted to be remembered. Ladybugs reminded them of his grandmother. After contemplating this question, he answered, "a hummingbird." I used to never see hummingbirds around or at least never paid attention. Now it seems that I see them everywhere in art and picture. When I see it, I am reminded of that little lover or Jesus and I have hope--not that I will be lucky enough to be healed quickly and never have to face cancer or anything as nasty again. I simply have the hope of Christ. That is enough.
Wow! After typing that, my sour mood has lifted. A miracle! Thank you, Tynan!
The hope of Christ certainly is enough. Instead of writing what I intended, I will end with this for the day. The hope of Christ is enough!
Update
From CaringBridge site:
Written Sep 3, 2012 9:11pm by Renee Albracht
Just wanted to let everyone know that I feel better. My stomach still hurts, but it is normal to have that bloated stomach feeling during this period in the chemo cycle.
I think I may have been dehydrated. I'm not sure what the symptoms are. All I know is that I have had very little water the past few days. When I get that medicine mouth and sore mouth, I don't even like water. I can only drink it when it's cold and have to force it. Today, I got a large drink from McDonalds. When I finished with the drink, I filled the cup up with water twice and drank the first cup rather quickly. I soon felt better. My mom asked me often if I needed more water. I said no. I told my dad he was going to have to get on me and make me drink more when he comes. I will still call my doctor tomorrow and let him know what's been going on just in case he wants me to come in and do blood work.
I think I may have been dehydrated. I'm not sure what the symptoms are. All I know is that I have had very little water the past few days. When I get that medicine mouth and sore mouth, I don't even like water. I can only drink it when it's cold and have to force it. Today, I got a large drink from McDonalds. When I finished with the drink, I filled the cup up with water twice and drank the first cup rather quickly. I soon felt better. My mom asked me often if I needed more water. I said no. I told my dad he was going to have to get on me and make me drink more when he comes. I will still call my doctor tomorrow and let him know what's been going on just in case he wants me to come in and do blood work.
Backsliding Stinks!
From CaringBridge site:
Last week went about as expected. Saturday, I started feeling better. Although I did not feel as well as I would have liked, I felt well enough to make breakfast and go to a movie. My mom and I and Morgan went to go see Hope Springs. It was hilarious! However, there was a lot of talk about sex. Morgan kept covering her ears and eyes. That was pretty funny, too, but even though the couple was married and there was nothing inappropriate, I do think we should have reconsidered taking her!
Sunday...Mike was going to take my mom to the airport so I could go to church. However, I wanted to take her and besides, by Sunday morning, I wasn't feeling quite right. Mom sat in bed with me and we watched television until it was close to time to leave.
After I dropped her off, I went to church. I caught the last bit of the sermon then went to Sunday School. The longer I was there, though, the worse I felt. I couldn't concentrate.
I ran into Pastor Ulmet after Sunday School. He wants me to be a part of the service on September 16th. He'll tell me more later. The thing that surprised me was he and his wife thought I looked so good and couldn't tell I was going through cancer. All I could think about was how bad I was feeling and how much I wanted to just crawl back into bed!
I intended to go to work for a bit after church then go to the grocery store. Instead, I came home, grabbed a bite to eat, then went to bed. I stayed in bed pretty much all day.
I'm not really sure how to describe how I felt. It wasn't exactly like the rest of the week had been and it wasn't exactly like the flu. I didn't have a fever. I just felt weak and clammy. The more I thought about it, the more it reminded me of how I felt last March when I was first diagnosed as anemic. Unlike then, though, no vomiting. Part of me thought I'd feel better if I had! I hope that doesn't mean my blood counts are down. If I don't feel better tomorrow, I'll call the doctor.
Today, I don't feel as clammy and have had much fewer hot flashes, but I still feel low. I tried to get up this morning only to get back into bed almost immediately. I finally got up at noon to take Bailey to her daddy's house and to get something to eat. I thought about going into work if only for an hour or so, but just couldn't do it. I'm on the couch with my laptop and am going to try to get a little something done. I'm going to try to keep myself out of bed.
It is really an emotional blow to backslide. My doctor told me some weeks would be worse than others. He told me to think of my body as a prize fighter. It's taking a beating and at some point, it's going to break. Then, it'll build back up. I was just hoping I had seen the worst about it. Taking this turn makes it hard to think how I can possibly go through another round of chemo. However, as long as I have a few good days before the next treatment, I know I'll be okay. If not, they probably won't give me chemo. I know that's the purpose of the lab work. They want to make sure I'm healthy enough for treatment. If I'm not, they may postpone it a week. Part of me would rather move on and get it over with. Another part of me could not imagine getting sick when I'm already sick. That's a week away though, so no point worrying about it now!
My friend, Carol, was going to come over this morning to make me pancakes since I wasn't feeling well enough to get out today. I didn't have an appetite, though, and just don't feel like company. Brad invited me to hang out for a bit when I dropped off Bailey. Same thing, though. I just don't feel well enough and want to be close to bed and the bathroom.
I did have a bowel movement this morning. It felt like I was passing razor blades. Luckily, I only spotted. No major blood like I was afraid there would be. I feel like I need to go again, but I am afraid to.
This coming week is very busy for me. I have safety programs every evening except Friday. I can't afford to be sick. Please pray my blood levels are okay and that I will feel better and ready to work tomorrow!
Written Sep 3, 2012 1:23pm by Renee Albracht
Last week went about as expected. Saturday, I started feeling better. Although I did not feel as well as I would have liked, I felt well enough to make breakfast and go to a movie. My mom and I and Morgan went to go see Hope Springs. It was hilarious! However, there was a lot of talk about sex. Morgan kept covering her ears and eyes. That was pretty funny, too, but even though the couple was married and there was nothing inappropriate, I do think we should have reconsidered taking her!
Sunday...Mike was going to take my mom to the airport so I could go to church. However, I wanted to take her and besides, by Sunday morning, I wasn't feeling quite right. Mom sat in bed with me and we watched television until it was close to time to leave.
After I dropped her off, I went to church. I caught the last bit of the sermon then went to Sunday School. The longer I was there, though, the worse I felt. I couldn't concentrate.
I ran into Pastor Ulmet after Sunday School. He wants me to be a part of the service on September 16th. He'll tell me more later. The thing that surprised me was he and his wife thought I looked so good and couldn't tell I was going through cancer. All I could think about was how bad I was feeling and how much I wanted to just crawl back into bed!
I intended to go to work for a bit after church then go to the grocery store. Instead, I came home, grabbed a bite to eat, then went to bed. I stayed in bed pretty much all day.
I'm not really sure how to describe how I felt. It wasn't exactly like the rest of the week had been and it wasn't exactly like the flu. I didn't have a fever. I just felt weak and clammy. The more I thought about it, the more it reminded me of how I felt last March when I was first diagnosed as anemic. Unlike then, though, no vomiting. Part of me thought I'd feel better if I had! I hope that doesn't mean my blood counts are down. If I don't feel better tomorrow, I'll call the doctor.
Today, I don't feel as clammy and have had much fewer hot flashes, but I still feel low. I tried to get up this morning only to get back into bed almost immediately. I finally got up at noon to take Bailey to her daddy's house and to get something to eat. I thought about going into work if only for an hour or so, but just couldn't do it. I'm on the couch with my laptop and am going to try to get a little something done. I'm going to try to keep myself out of bed.
It is really an emotional blow to backslide. My doctor told me some weeks would be worse than others. He told me to think of my body as a prize fighter. It's taking a beating and at some point, it's going to break. Then, it'll build back up. I was just hoping I had seen the worst about it. Taking this turn makes it hard to think how I can possibly go through another round of chemo. However, as long as I have a few good days before the next treatment, I know I'll be okay. If not, they probably won't give me chemo. I know that's the purpose of the lab work. They want to make sure I'm healthy enough for treatment. If I'm not, they may postpone it a week. Part of me would rather move on and get it over with. Another part of me could not imagine getting sick when I'm already sick. That's a week away though, so no point worrying about it now!
My friend, Carol, was going to come over this morning to make me pancakes since I wasn't feeling well enough to get out today. I didn't have an appetite, though, and just don't feel like company. Brad invited me to hang out for a bit when I dropped off Bailey. Same thing, though. I just don't feel well enough and want to be close to bed and the bathroom.
I did have a bowel movement this morning. It felt like I was passing razor blades. Luckily, I only spotted. No major blood like I was afraid there would be. I feel like I need to go again, but I am afraid to.
This coming week is very busy for me. I have safety programs every evening except Friday. I can't afford to be sick. Please pray my blood levels are okay and that I will feel better and ready to work tomorrow!
Mom Takes Care of Me
From CaringBridge site:
It's been a while since I checked in. Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers. This round was not much easier pain wise, but it seemed to go by faster.
Wednesday was about normal. I was mush both in brain and body. I stayed in bed most of the day. I only got out of bed for dinner. Mom fed me lunch in bed.
Thursday my brain was doing a bit better, but my body was still mush. I much prefer when both are worthless. It's tough when my mind is starting to work again, but my body feels dead. I stayed up until about noon then went back to bed.
On Friday, I still had very little energy, but stayed awake all day and moved from the bed to the couch. Brad came to visit me and even stayed for dinner!
When I talked to my sister Friday morning, she was pleased that I was out of bed. I told her had mom not been there, I probably would have stayed in bed. Why bother getting up? She thought I should post that. It says a lot about how important it is for my mental health to have someone here with me.
Even though I didn't have an appetite all week, I still ate well. My mom fed me well!
Our table conversation has not been very appropriate, though. I apologized to Morgan last night. I teased her that she was going to know way too much about me by the time all this was over. She is very sweet. Said she understood and that it didn't bother her.
The conversation was gas and bowel movements. One night, my mom made beans. I said beans were good for me because as long as I had gas, my stomach wouldn't feel bloated.
Chemo treatments have left me constipated. My doctor told me to eat more yogurt and bananas. I have been doing that as well as taking stool softener, but it didn't help. Yesterday, I had to go so bad, but it was tough going. I ended up bleeding. It was enough to where I didn't know if I was having a period again after all this time or if I had pushed too hard. I quickly determined it was not natural bleeding.
I called the doctor and the woman who took my message was concerned enough to try to contact the doctor immediately. He did not answer. However, his nurse called back rather quickly. She told me that it was most likely the pressure of going that caused the bleeding. She recommended taking the stool softener twice a day and to call back if I continued to bleed.
I know I have completely lost any sense of decorum. I think it's important to be completely honest about what I am going through. Every treatment brings something just a little bit different. If anyone reads this now or in the future, I want to be honest about what I am going through so I can help them.
This morning, I got up and made french toast for the first time ever. On good weeks, a few of us from work go to breakfast on Friday mornings. Since I could not go, I was craving french toast. I was already craving it earlier in the week when I had no appetite or energy. I wanted to be the one to make it. So, mom bought stuff to make it with earlier in the week and I made it this morning. I have to say, not bad for a first try!
This treatment cycle, I have felt nauseous longer. I even felt nauseous still last night and early this morning. I don't like taking the pills longer than I have to, though, and luckily, I felt better when I woke up later in the morning.
Although my bones and muscles don't hurt as bad this time, they still hurt. My shoulder blades, collar bones, and shoulders still hurt, especially the collar bones. They are extremely sore, but it could be worse.
Good news is the depression was even less this time. I didn't once have that sadness that God wasn't taking me home.
A coworker called and told me there was a woman looking for me. She said she spoke to me last week and never received a fax I was supposed to have sent. At first, I was adamant that I hadn't talked to anyone last week about faxing a report to her. Then, I changed my mind. I took her word for it. No way I can remember all the details right now. My short term memory is shot! Besides, all I can do at this point is say okay and promise to fax it as soon as I get back to the office. My brain is still a little foggy, but it gets better every day.
Written Sep 1, 2012 11:23am by Renee Albracht
It's been a while since I checked in. Thank you all for keeping me in your prayers. This round was not much easier pain wise, but it seemed to go by faster.
Wednesday was about normal. I was mush both in brain and body. I stayed in bed most of the day. I only got out of bed for dinner. Mom fed me lunch in bed.
Thursday my brain was doing a bit better, but my body was still mush. I much prefer when both are worthless. It's tough when my mind is starting to work again, but my body feels dead. I stayed up until about noon then went back to bed.
On Friday, I still had very little energy, but stayed awake all day and moved from the bed to the couch. Brad came to visit me and even stayed for dinner!
When I talked to my sister Friday morning, she was pleased that I was out of bed. I told her had mom not been there, I probably would have stayed in bed. Why bother getting up? She thought I should post that. It says a lot about how important it is for my mental health to have someone here with me.
Even though I didn't have an appetite all week, I still ate well. My mom fed me well!
Our table conversation has not been very appropriate, though. I apologized to Morgan last night. I teased her that she was going to know way too much about me by the time all this was over. She is very sweet. Said she understood and that it didn't bother her.
The conversation was gas and bowel movements. One night, my mom made beans. I said beans were good for me because as long as I had gas, my stomach wouldn't feel bloated.
Chemo treatments have left me constipated. My doctor told me to eat more yogurt and bananas. I have been doing that as well as taking stool softener, but it didn't help. Yesterday, I had to go so bad, but it was tough going. I ended up bleeding. It was enough to where I didn't know if I was having a period again after all this time or if I had pushed too hard. I quickly determined it was not natural bleeding.
I called the doctor and the woman who took my message was concerned enough to try to contact the doctor immediately. He did not answer. However, his nurse called back rather quickly. She told me that it was most likely the pressure of going that caused the bleeding. She recommended taking the stool softener twice a day and to call back if I continued to bleed.
I know I have completely lost any sense of decorum. I think it's important to be completely honest about what I am going through. Every treatment brings something just a little bit different. If anyone reads this now or in the future, I want to be honest about what I am going through so I can help them.
This morning, I got up and made french toast for the first time ever. On good weeks, a few of us from work go to breakfast on Friday mornings. Since I could not go, I was craving french toast. I was already craving it earlier in the week when I had no appetite or energy. I wanted to be the one to make it. So, mom bought stuff to make it with earlier in the week and I made it this morning. I have to say, not bad for a first try!
This treatment cycle, I have felt nauseous longer. I even felt nauseous still last night and early this morning. I don't like taking the pills longer than I have to, though, and luckily, I felt better when I woke up later in the morning.
Although my bones and muscles don't hurt as bad this time, they still hurt. My shoulder blades, collar bones, and shoulders still hurt, especially the collar bones. They are extremely sore, but it could be worse.
Good news is the depression was even less this time. I didn't once have that sadness that God wasn't taking me home.
A coworker called and told me there was a woman looking for me. She said she spoke to me last week and never received a fax I was supposed to have sent. At first, I was adamant that I hadn't talked to anyone last week about faxing a report to her. Then, I changed my mind. I took her word for it. No way I can remember all the details right now. My short term memory is shot! Besides, all I can do at this point is say okay and promise to fax it as soon as I get back to the office. My brain is still a little foggy, but it gets better every day.
Doing What I Can When I Can
From CaringBridge site:
Chemo wasn't too bad yesterday. I asked the nurse to give me the red drug, worst one, first like they did last time. I made banana nut muffins Sunday night and ate a few of those. I credit that along with all the prayer for me not getting too terribly sick.
However, before I left, I took the anti nausea pill that makes me drowsy. The reason I did this is because every time I yawned or sneezed, I felt like I was going to vomit.
So, the only side effects yesterday was an mild upset stomach and fatigue.
Today has gone well so far. I am over the fatigue, but still have the mild stomach ache. When I finally got out of bed, I ate some cereal and watched television with my mom for a bit. Then, I finally got enough energy to get up and work out.
Well, it wasn't much of a workout. I merely went three miles an hour (a slow walk) for twenty minutes. Not so easy to do with a stomach ache, but I did it anyway.
I made up my mind to do what I can when I can. It really upset me last week when I noticed my muscle was really turning to fat. That's okay if there's nothing I can do about it. However, there is at least one week out of two when I can work out. I haven't done so since that one week several sessions ago. If I don't regain my muscle tone right now, that's fine. As long as I do what I can to stay healthy.
It's important for both my physical and mental health.
After my workout, I spent a little time in prayer. I got sad praying last night. I know prayer is not easy and some days don't pray at all during chemo weeks. God has taught me a lot this past week and I have come so far in my faith. I was afraid that I would slide backwards in my faith if I could not continue reading my Bible and pray. I know that is not true because there are so many people praying for me and I don't believe these changes are temporary. However, I will miss Him. So, I determined to pray, too, while I could. Nice time.
One person I prayed for today and that I ask you all to pray for is my new friend, Lorraine. She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has her first chemo treatment tomorrow. She is scared, but close to God. Please keep her in your prayers.
Written Aug 28, 2012 12:42pm by Renee Albracht
Chemo wasn't too bad yesterday. I asked the nurse to give me the red drug, worst one, first like they did last time. I made banana nut muffins Sunday night and ate a few of those. I credit that along with all the prayer for me not getting too terribly sick.
However, before I left, I took the anti nausea pill that makes me drowsy. The reason I did this is because every time I yawned or sneezed, I felt like I was going to vomit.
So, the only side effects yesterday was an mild upset stomach and fatigue.
Today has gone well so far. I am over the fatigue, but still have the mild stomach ache. When I finally got out of bed, I ate some cereal and watched television with my mom for a bit. Then, I finally got enough energy to get up and work out.
Well, it wasn't much of a workout. I merely went three miles an hour (a slow walk) for twenty minutes. Not so easy to do with a stomach ache, but I did it anyway.
I made up my mind to do what I can when I can. It really upset me last week when I noticed my muscle was really turning to fat. That's okay if there's nothing I can do about it. However, there is at least one week out of two when I can work out. I haven't done so since that one week several sessions ago. If I don't regain my muscle tone right now, that's fine. As long as I do what I can to stay healthy.
It's important for both my physical and mental health.
After my workout, I spent a little time in prayer. I got sad praying last night. I know prayer is not easy and some days don't pray at all during chemo weeks. God has taught me a lot this past week and I have come so far in my faith. I was afraid that I would slide backwards in my faith if I could not continue reading my Bible and pray. I know that is not true because there are so many people praying for me and I don't believe these changes are temporary. However, I will miss Him. So, I determined to pray, too, while I could. Nice time.
One person I prayed for today and that I ask you all to pray for is my new friend, Lorraine. She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has her first chemo treatment tomorrow. She is scared, but close to God. Please keep her in your prayers.
Session Six
From CaringBridge site:
Written Aug 27, 2012 11:33am by Renee Albracht
Just met with the doctor before chemo. My blood levels still look good and because of that, he can reduce the dosage of the shot tomorrow so hopefully I won't have bad joint and muscle pain this time. He said the chemo is messing with my ovaries which is causing me to be para menopausal, at least temporarily. That's what accounts for the hot flashes. He said I am in the third cycle of treatment. He will soon schedule me for a pet scan. That will tell them more about what is going on with the lymph nodes. When they die, they become scarred, fatty tissue. Sometimes, when they die, the good cells eat them up and they disappear. Sometimes they surgically remove them. Overall, things look good.
Starting session six now. Already have a stomach ache. It's psychological right now. These sounds and smells get to me.
Mom is here with me. It's all down hill from here!
Starting session six now. Already have a stomach ache. It's psychological right now. These sounds and smells get to me.
Mom is here with me. It's all down hill from here!
Working Hard and Making Amends
From CaringBridge site:
Been in a super good mood today. Worked until 8pm last night. Belmont hosted the annual student activities fair. It is usually during the day, but this year it was at night. I have a booth to showcase our RAD (rape aggression defense) class. I was super happy that the fair was during an off week. I got the opportunity to talk to a lot of students and get a few interested in the class. Even got a few interested in Krav Maga! Just wish I could teach my class and participate in krav. Soon, though!
I sure need the workout. People have been telling me I look like I have lost weight. My weight on the scale has not changed so I assume the difference in appearance has to do with me loosing muscle. Sure enough, that's the sad truth. I used to have definition. After my shower last night, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how my toned body has turned into fat. What an ego deflater. Hope it doesn't take too long to get back into shape when all this cancer stuff is over and done with!
Today, I finally got my appetite back. It was as if my stomach was making up for lost time. Had french toast for breakfast with some coworkers. I usually can't finish all of it. Today, I ate it all and was still hungry. Last night, I got a coupon for Noshville Delicatessen. (It is spelled correctly--Noshville--not Nashville) I got a Monte Cristo. It was huge and super greasy! I managed to eat 3/4 of it and still not feel very full! A day or two ago, I would have been full after just 1/4 and wouldn't have even eaten it because the thought of eating something so greasy would have made me sick to my stomach! (I know, not very wise food choices given what I just said about my body. But, after what I go through during chemo weeks, I just want to spoil myself when I'm feeling good! Plus, I rarely do this!)
Had a great day at work, too. There have been so many changes on campus over the past few months. The new law school and residence hall came on line and the church was remodeled into a concert hall. Me and MIke toured the campus. All I can say is WOW!
I also made amends with an old friend. We had parted ways a while back over something very stupid. I didn't think I did anything wrong. However, God kept tugging at my heart to take that first step. Turns out, although my intentions were pure, I came across in a very self righteous and arrogant manner. Hmph...lessons in interpretations.
I thank God, though, that I was open to hear her complaint and see her point. It took Him tearing down my pride in order to get here, though. Hopefully, we can become friends again!
The bad thing about leaving work on Friday is knowing what waits for me on Monday. Oh well. Nothing I can do about that. I'll simply enjoy the weekend and focus on the fact that Monday is the half way point. It's all down hill from here! Plus, Mom gets in on Sunday! It's her turn to take care of me!
Written Aug 24, 2012 4:53pm by Renee Albracht
Been in a super good mood today. Worked until 8pm last night. Belmont hosted the annual student activities fair. It is usually during the day, but this year it was at night. I have a booth to showcase our RAD (rape aggression defense) class. I was super happy that the fair was during an off week. I got the opportunity to talk to a lot of students and get a few interested in the class. Even got a few interested in Krav Maga! Just wish I could teach my class and participate in krav. Soon, though!
I sure need the workout. People have been telling me I look like I have lost weight. My weight on the scale has not changed so I assume the difference in appearance has to do with me loosing muscle. Sure enough, that's the sad truth. I used to have definition. After my shower last night, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how my toned body has turned into fat. What an ego deflater. Hope it doesn't take too long to get back into shape when all this cancer stuff is over and done with!
Today, I finally got my appetite back. It was as if my stomach was making up for lost time. Had french toast for breakfast with some coworkers. I usually can't finish all of it. Today, I ate it all and was still hungry. Last night, I got a coupon for Noshville Delicatessen. (It is spelled correctly--Noshville--not Nashville) I got a Monte Cristo. It was huge and super greasy! I managed to eat 3/4 of it and still not feel very full! A day or two ago, I would have been full after just 1/4 and wouldn't have even eaten it because the thought of eating something so greasy would have made me sick to my stomach! (I know, not very wise food choices given what I just said about my body. But, after what I go through during chemo weeks, I just want to spoil myself when I'm feeling good! Plus, I rarely do this!)
Had a great day at work, too. There have been so many changes on campus over the past few months. The new law school and residence hall came on line and the church was remodeled into a concert hall. Me and MIke toured the campus. All I can say is WOW!
I also made amends with an old friend. We had parted ways a while back over something very stupid. I didn't think I did anything wrong. However, God kept tugging at my heart to take that first step. Turns out, although my intentions were pure, I came across in a very self righteous and arrogant manner. Hmph...lessons in interpretations.
I thank God, though, that I was open to hear her complaint and see her point. It took Him tearing down my pride in order to get here, though. Hopefully, we can become friends again!
The bad thing about leaving work on Friday is knowing what waits for me on Monday. Oh well. Nothing I can do about that. I'll simply enjoy the weekend and focus on the fact that Monday is the half way point. It's all down hill from here! Plus, Mom gets in on Sunday! It's her turn to take care of me!
When Mercy Found Me
From CaringBridge site:
Last night I went to Wednesday night prayer meeting with the pastor. I have not gone since Pastor Henecke left. For a while, my spirit was rebellious. I did not want to say goodbye to someone I loved so dearly and I did not want to welcome anyone new. Even after I got to know, like, and welcome Pastor Ulmet, I got sick and my focus was solely on being sick.
I have to say, I really enjoyed it...even though most of the people who attend are much, much older than me. (But, this too is nice since I have always said I have and old soul and feel most comfortable around older people.)
The service was very relaxed. Pastor Ulmet discusses with the group the sermon from Sunday. It is a group participation time.
Afterward, Pastor Ulmet stopped me before I left and we talked about the cancer and the rough past two years I have had. He said he knew me from Michael's emails from our Sunday School class and from what others have told him and seeing me around, but we have never gotten a chance to talk. He said he would like me to give my testimony some time. It was really great getting to share with him. I was moved by how deeply he cares for all of us.
This morning on the way to work, I was thinking about what I would say if I ever did give a testimony. I don't have a great testimony about being saved since I have known Jesus since I was an itty bitty little thing. One of my earliest memories is getting excited enough to sing out loud in church. (I do not sing. Even when I was in children's choir as a kid, I lip synced most of the time! Only recently have I started to sing out loud, although softly. I know my talent is not my voice!)
Anyway, that was a really big deal. I remember my dad picking me up as we walked out of church and making a big fuss about it.
Jesus has always been a big part of my life. Now, though, I can sense something else going on. There are big changes going on!
It's funny how the cancer cycle rolls. During chemo weeks, I want so desperately to go home. When I hear about others passing away, I get jealous. I'm sad that Jesus won't let me go home.
When I'm feeling as great as I have felt the past few days, I would still gladly go if called, but I am no longer sad to have to stay here. I feel so alive and close to God. I can feel the change and know deep down that He has a mission for me. I know, whether I am healed and live a long life or die in sickness, I have a purpose and my purpose is to serve Him. Never in my life have I felt such a clear sense of calling. That is weird for me to say because it's not as if I feel Him saying "Go do this" or "Go there." He is not telling me to do something in particular, He is telling me to be something. I never understood that concept until now. In short, I feel like I'm being saved all over again!
Anyway, as I was thinking these things, a song by the Rhett Walker Band came on the radio. It is a new and powerful song. The first verse always reminded me of someone very close to me. I can see the fight raging within him and I pray that these words can be his own someday soon.
This morning, those words were not for anyone else. They were for me. As I listened, tears streamed down my face. I could not and did not want to control them. Ever since this change has taken place in me, I have become a weeper. Songs on the radio make me cry all the time these days!
I have said many times how alone and independent I was before cancer. I kept everyone, even my closest family and friends, at arm's distance. No one could hurt me as long as I kept my distance. Those I did let in always ended up hurting me deeply, whether intentional or not. (For instance, Pastor Henecke had no intention of hurting me by retiring. His decision had nothing to do with me, but I still took it personally.)
After cancer, I learned how to truly love others and let others love me. It has been very humbling yet freeing. Sure, being open does leave me vulnerable, but I missed out on so much by being closed off. What's that old saying about life's not worth living without taking chances?
I wanted to share the lyrics of this song:
Rhett Walker Band: When Mercy Found Me
I can't count the broken roads I've been down, but all I know;
Something had to give; something had to give.
Cause living my life so wild and free
Finally caught up
Oh it left me broken; left me hopeless,
But that's where I met Jesus.
(Chorus)
In one moment everything changed
Who I was got washed away
When mercy found me
My Savior's arms were open wide
And I felt love for the very first time
When mercy found me
When mercy found me
All those days, all those doubts
They don't seem to matter now.
His Grace is all I need
His Grace is all I need
And the chains that I was in before
They don't hold me anymore
His love has rescued me.
His love has set me free.
Chorus
My mind found peace
My soul found hope
My heart found a home.
Chorus
Written Aug 23, 2012 9:40am by Renee Albracht
Last night I went to Wednesday night prayer meeting with the pastor. I have not gone since Pastor Henecke left. For a while, my spirit was rebellious. I did not want to say goodbye to someone I loved so dearly and I did not want to welcome anyone new. Even after I got to know, like, and welcome Pastor Ulmet, I got sick and my focus was solely on being sick.
I have to say, I really enjoyed it...even though most of the people who attend are much, much older than me. (But, this too is nice since I have always said I have and old soul and feel most comfortable around older people.)
The service was very relaxed. Pastor Ulmet discusses with the group the sermon from Sunday. It is a group participation time.
Afterward, Pastor Ulmet stopped me before I left and we talked about the cancer and the rough past two years I have had. He said he knew me from Michael's emails from our Sunday School class and from what others have told him and seeing me around, but we have never gotten a chance to talk. He said he would like me to give my testimony some time. It was really great getting to share with him. I was moved by how deeply he cares for all of us.
This morning on the way to work, I was thinking about what I would say if I ever did give a testimony. I don't have a great testimony about being saved since I have known Jesus since I was an itty bitty little thing. One of my earliest memories is getting excited enough to sing out loud in church. (I do not sing. Even when I was in children's choir as a kid, I lip synced most of the time! Only recently have I started to sing out loud, although softly. I know my talent is not my voice!)
Anyway, that was a really big deal. I remember my dad picking me up as we walked out of church and making a big fuss about it.
Jesus has always been a big part of my life. Now, though, I can sense something else going on. There are big changes going on!
It's funny how the cancer cycle rolls. During chemo weeks, I want so desperately to go home. When I hear about others passing away, I get jealous. I'm sad that Jesus won't let me go home.
When I'm feeling as great as I have felt the past few days, I would still gladly go if called, but I am no longer sad to have to stay here. I feel so alive and close to God. I can feel the change and know deep down that He has a mission for me. I know, whether I am healed and live a long life or die in sickness, I have a purpose and my purpose is to serve Him. Never in my life have I felt such a clear sense of calling. That is weird for me to say because it's not as if I feel Him saying "Go do this" or "Go there." He is not telling me to do something in particular, He is telling me to be something. I never understood that concept until now. In short, I feel like I'm being saved all over again!
Anyway, as I was thinking these things, a song by the Rhett Walker Band came on the radio. It is a new and powerful song. The first verse always reminded me of someone very close to me. I can see the fight raging within him and I pray that these words can be his own someday soon.
This morning, those words were not for anyone else. They were for me. As I listened, tears streamed down my face. I could not and did not want to control them. Ever since this change has taken place in me, I have become a weeper. Songs on the radio make me cry all the time these days!
I have said many times how alone and independent I was before cancer. I kept everyone, even my closest family and friends, at arm's distance. No one could hurt me as long as I kept my distance. Those I did let in always ended up hurting me deeply, whether intentional or not. (For instance, Pastor Henecke had no intention of hurting me by retiring. His decision had nothing to do with me, but I still took it personally.)
After cancer, I learned how to truly love others and let others love me. It has been very humbling yet freeing. Sure, being open does leave me vulnerable, but I missed out on so much by being closed off. What's that old saying about life's not worth living without taking chances?
I wanted to share the lyrics of this song:
Rhett Walker Band: When Mercy Found Me
I can't count the broken roads I've been down, but all I know;
Something had to give; something had to give.
Cause living my life so wild and free
Finally caught up
Oh it left me broken; left me hopeless,
But that's where I met Jesus.
(Chorus)
In one moment everything changed
Who I was got washed away
When mercy found me
My Savior's arms were open wide
And I felt love for the very first time
When mercy found me
When mercy found me
All those days, all those doubts
They don't seem to matter now.
His Grace is all I need
His Grace is all I need
And the chains that I was in before
They don't hold me anymore
His love has rescued me.
His love has set me free.
Chorus
My mind found peace
My soul found hope
My heart found a home.
Chorus
Belmont Interview
From CaringBridge site:
Don't have much time today. Taking a little break for a bite to eat then must get back to work. There is so much to do when I am only here every other week.
Today is great, though. I don't know why and I do not care, but by this time on the second week, I do feel like I can climb mountains, just as the doctor predicted I would feel once my blood level was back to where it should be. I feel like I could go 100 miles a minute! Not only am I energetic, but I am focused.
Earlier today, a woman from the communications department wanted to interview me about how Belmont as a whole and those in my department have supported me. She told me of one of her coworkers who also has cancer. He does not look well and is basically bed ridden. She told me how great I looked. I told her that the week of chemo stinks, but during the off weeks, I have been feeling better than I have in two years! I suppose it also helps having a new love for life and appreciation for all the things I used to take for granted. (I will say, I am still not a morning person! Takes me a while to get revved up!)
This morning, I had an eye doctor appointment. My eye still isn't better. I am happy to say that I am smarter than my doctors!!! Just kidding, but I was right about my eye. I never had pink eye. The pores around my eye have simply gotten clogged. Same thing that has happened on other parts of my body where hair grows. That's how I knew what it was...because it was similar to what has happened before...all symptoms of type B Hodgkins. But, it is good to know that my eyes are healthy otherwise!!!
The interview is simply for Belmont use in our Friday FYI emails so I'll post the content when it comes out. She said she would wait awhile. There is a lot of news to get out there with today being the first day of school.
Written Aug 22, 2012 1:38pm by Renee Albracht
Don't have much time today. Taking a little break for a bite to eat then must get back to work. There is so much to do when I am only here every other week.
Today is great, though. I don't know why and I do not care, but by this time on the second week, I do feel like I can climb mountains, just as the doctor predicted I would feel once my blood level was back to where it should be. I feel like I could go 100 miles a minute! Not only am I energetic, but I am focused.
Earlier today, a woman from the communications department wanted to interview me about how Belmont as a whole and those in my department have supported me. She told me of one of her coworkers who also has cancer. He does not look well and is basically bed ridden. She told me how great I looked. I told her that the week of chemo stinks, but during the off weeks, I have been feeling better than I have in two years! I suppose it also helps having a new love for life and appreciation for all the things I used to take for granted. (I will say, I am still not a morning person! Takes me a while to get revved up!)
This morning, I had an eye doctor appointment. My eye still isn't better. I am happy to say that I am smarter than my doctors!!! Just kidding, but I was right about my eye. I never had pink eye. The pores around my eye have simply gotten clogged. Same thing that has happened on other parts of my body where hair grows. That's how I knew what it was...because it was similar to what has happened before...all symptoms of type B Hodgkins. But, it is good to know that my eyes are healthy otherwise!!!
The interview is simply for Belmont use in our Friday FYI emails so I'll post the content when it comes out. She said she would wait awhile. There is a lot of news to get out there with today being the first day of school.
Incredible Lord's Day After Chemo Week
From CaringBridge site:
What a Lord's Day!
For the past three days or so, I have been in a tremendous amount of pain. The shot I get on the Tuesdays after my chemo makes my bones and joints hurt. Usually, it is tolerable discomfort. This time, it is extremely uncomfortable. The worst part has been my back and shoulder blades and down my right arm. I have never had arthritis, but that's the best way I know how to describe how my right hand feels, especially between my thumb and pointer finger. I cannot hold anything well in that hand. My stomach has also been hurting. It feels bloated, as if I have just eaten an entire cow!
The pain has kept me from sleeping well, but it has not kept me from getting out of the house. The way I looked at it, I could be in pain sitting around the house or I could be in pain doing something that means something to me. I'll take these aches and pains any day over the chemo brain and body!
So, I started with church. It was not comfortable sitting in a hard pew, but the message of both the sermon and Sunday school. We have been going over the articles of faith. This was the last one: the second coming. Bottom line, if Christ were to come back today, would you be ready?
The sermon got me thinking about fear. I remember completing a project for a class in middle school in which we had to cut out pictures to describe ourselves, our hobby, what we wanted to be when we grew up, our greatest fear. I cut out a picture of an old woman. My fear was growing old alone. My other fear was dying. I never feared death, just dying.
As I sat there listening to the sermon, I realized that I no longer had any fear. Going through cancer has forced me to open myself up and let people in. I realize now that no matter what happens, I will never be alone. And, after undergoing chemo, I no longer fear dying. Pain will fade and the hope of greater glory on the other side makes the pain bearable.
During Sunday School, we discussed the text about serving the Lord, Matthew 25:31-46 "...For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me..."
This verse got me to thinking about myself. Am I a sheep or a goat? All my life, I considered myself to be a sheep. But, now, I'm not so sure. Everything has been about me, even my faith and ministries. How does this serve me? Is it convenient for me? I never cared what others thought, but I did care what I thought about myself. How could God serve me? I never truly considered how I could serve Him!
A while back, I blogged about knowing there was something I didn't yet get. I think that was it! My faith, like the rest of my life, had been deeply personal, selfish. I did nothing for the sole purpose of furthering His kingdom.
I had been using cancer as my excuse not to start now. I want to help with a homeless ministry at church called Emmaus, but used the fact that I could only help every other week as an excuse not to even ask about it. I did the same with Wednesday night and Sunday night church. No more excuses. Cancer or not, I can still be of service to God in furthering His kingdom.
For the second week in a row, I attended Sunday night service. (I am going out of order here, but want to keep with my theme.) It was a prayer service about just that--how the church can be faithful in furthering His kingdom.
While praying, I again thought about my selfish faith. My prayers were 99.9% about me. I tried to pray for others, but always failed. I never knew how to pray for them and got overwhelmed trying to pray for everyone who needed prayer. While on my knees, God gave me a revelation. Choose one. At least to start, simply pick one person at a time to pray for and concentrate on that one person. Wow! What a concept! I can do that!
Amazing day spiritually! I am so glad I didn't allow my aches and pains keep me from this experience!
So, back to the time between church services:
Just as I finished putting away the groceries, my friend from work, Danny pulled up just behind Mike. Mike and Morgan had gone to buy a grill. Danny just happened to be nearby and wanted to come see me. We all went to lunch together.
After lunch, we headed to Belmont. My boss, Terry, was giving a presentation to the new freshman. This is the presentation I was supposed to do. I worked so hard the week prior to get a power point set up so that I could do it. However, during chemo week, he had conversations with others who made suggestions on how to change it to help hold the kid's attention for an hour. The suggested changes were great. The problem was that since I was not there to be a part of reworking the presentation, I would not be able to be a part of the actual presentation. That really hurt my pride. I love my job and I was so looking forward to it. However, instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to focus on the love and support of everyone involved who picked up the reigns in my absence.
The presentation began with a parody video some of the students made about security a few years ago. It was intended to show the lighter side of security and make us seem more approachable. I think it worked. But, as I watched it and looked at Terry on the stage in front of 1,000 eager new faces, I got a little jealous and teary eyed. I do this kind of thing all the time. I had been looking forward to this kind of audience for years. We finally got our chance and I had no part in it. Again, I pushed those feelings aside and started watching him and watching the kids. He is a great speaker. He told jokes and was able to hold their attention. He even used some of my sayings. Although there were a few points I wish he would have elaborated on, overall, it was a great presentation. The majority of the kids were paying attention and responding well to him. I kept an eye on a few who simply ignored it all and texted the whole time. I can see having some sort of problem with those some time this year. (We may already have.)
I didn't think I would make it to church last night, but I ended up getting home just in time to get in my own car and drive to church. So grateful for how that worked out.
When I got home, I sat outside enjoying the weather and watched Morgan play with the dog and Mike set up the grill. Great fall weather and a great day.
As I was laying in bed trying to sleep in spite of my pains, my phone rang. It is never good if my phone rings after 10pm, especially if it's my boss on the other end. There had been reports of break ins on campus. Several laptops were stolen. In one residence, the students were not home, but there was no sign of forced entry. Looks like the guy got in through an unlocked window. In the other incident, a man walked into an unlocked house. The residents were inside, but luckily, no one was hurt. He asked for someone and soon left--with a stolen laptop. It was time to do a security alert. I was up until about 1am talking to various people and getting that security alert written and distributed. In less than 24 hours, we have had a drug bust, thefts, and criminal trespass "arrest." Guess those students weren't paying attention at orientation!
My boss apologized for waking me and asking me to do this. I thanked him. I felt needed and back in my element again. I hate that those crimes took place, but I loved getting a chance to do my job, even in the middle of the night!
After all was done, I still could not sleep. It seems that once my chemo brain starts to go away, my brain goes into overdrive. Between my inability to shut off my brain and my body aches, sleep was not sound. However, I am up and back to work today! Get to give a presentation to new students in the Occupational Therapy department today!!!
(Don't have time to edit today so I hope my thoughts are clear and that I don't have too many misspelled words!)
Written Aug 20, 2012 9:21am by Renee Albracht
What a Lord's Day!
For the past three days or so, I have been in a tremendous amount of pain. The shot I get on the Tuesdays after my chemo makes my bones and joints hurt. Usually, it is tolerable discomfort. This time, it is extremely uncomfortable. The worst part has been my back and shoulder blades and down my right arm. I have never had arthritis, but that's the best way I know how to describe how my right hand feels, especially between my thumb and pointer finger. I cannot hold anything well in that hand. My stomach has also been hurting. It feels bloated, as if I have just eaten an entire cow!
The pain has kept me from sleeping well, but it has not kept me from getting out of the house. The way I looked at it, I could be in pain sitting around the house or I could be in pain doing something that means something to me. I'll take these aches and pains any day over the chemo brain and body!
So, I started with church. It was not comfortable sitting in a hard pew, but the message of both the sermon and Sunday school. We have been going over the articles of faith. This was the last one: the second coming. Bottom line, if Christ were to come back today, would you be ready?
The sermon got me thinking about fear. I remember completing a project for a class in middle school in which we had to cut out pictures to describe ourselves, our hobby, what we wanted to be when we grew up, our greatest fear. I cut out a picture of an old woman. My fear was growing old alone. My other fear was dying. I never feared death, just dying.
As I sat there listening to the sermon, I realized that I no longer had any fear. Going through cancer has forced me to open myself up and let people in. I realize now that no matter what happens, I will never be alone. And, after undergoing chemo, I no longer fear dying. Pain will fade and the hope of greater glory on the other side makes the pain bearable.
During Sunday School, we discussed the text about serving the Lord, Matthew 25:31-46 "...For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me..."
This verse got me to thinking about myself. Am I a sheep or a goat? All my life, I considered myself to be a sheep. But, now, I'm not so sure. Everything has been about me, even my faith and ministries. How does this serve me? Is it convenient for me? I never cared what others thought, but I did care what I thought about myself. How could God serve me? I never truly considered how I could serve Him!
A while back, I blogged about knowing there was something I didn't yet get. I think that was it! My faith, like the rest of my life, had been deeply personal, selfish. I did nothing for the sole purpose of furthering His kingdom.
I had been using cancer as my excuse not to start now. I want to help with a homeless ministry at church called Emmaus, but used the fact that I could only help every other week as an excuse not to even ask about it. I did the same with Wednesday night and Sunday night church. No more excuses. Cancer or not, I can still be of service to God in furthering His kingdom.
For the second week in a row, I attended Sunday night service. (I am going out of order here, but want to keep with my theme.) It was a prayer service about just that--how the church can be faithful in furthering His kingdom.
While praying, I again thought about my selfish faith. My prayers were 99.9% about me. I tried to pray for others, but always failed. I never knew how to pray for them and got overwhelmed trying to pray for everyone who needed prayer. While on my knees, God gave me a revelation. Choose one. At least to start, simply pick one person at a time to pray for and concentrate on that one person. Wow! What a concept! I can do that!
Amazing day spiritually! I am so glad I didn't allow my aches and pains keep me from this experience!
So, back to the time between church services:
Just as I finished putting away the groceries, my friend from work, Danny pulled up just behind Mike. Mike and Morgan had gone to buy a grill. Danny just happened to be nearby and wanted to come see me. We all went to lunch together.
After lunch, we headed to Belmont. My boss, Terry, was giving a presentation to the new freshman. This is the presentation I was supposed to do. I worked so hard the week prior to get a power point set up so that I could do it. However, during chemo week, he had conversations with others who made suggestions on how to change it to help hold the kid's attention for an hour. The suggested changes were great. The problem was that since I was not there to be a part of reworking the presentation, I would not be able to be a part of the actual presentation. That really hurt my pride. I love my job and I was so looking forward to it. However, instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to focus on the love and support of everyone involved who picked up the reigns in my absence.
The presentation began with a parody video some of the students made about security a few years ago. It was intended to show the lighter side of security and make us seem more approachable. I think it worked. But, as I watched it and looked at Terry on the stage in front of 1,000 eager new faces, I got a little jealous and teary eyed. I do this kind of thing all the time. I had been looking forward to this kind of audience for years. We finally got our chance and I had no part in it. Again, I pushed those feelings aside and started watching him and watching the kids. He is a great speaker. He told jokes and was able to hold their attention. He even used some of my sayings. Although there were a few points I wish he would have elaborated on, overall, it was a great presentation. The majority of the kids were paying attention and responding well to him. I kept an eye on a few who simply ignored it all and texted the whole time. I can see having some sort of problem with those some time this year. (We may already have.)
I didn't think I would make it to church last night, but I ended up getting home just in time to get in my own car and drive to church. So grateful for how that worked out.
When I got home, I sat outside enjoying the weather and watched Morgan play with the dog and Mike set up the grill. Great fall weather and a great day.
As I was laying in bed trying to sleep in spite of my pains, my phone rang. It is never good if my phone rings after 10pm, especially if it's my boss on the other end. There had been reports of break ins on campus. Several laptops were stolen. In one residence, the students were not home, but there was no sign of forced entry. Looks like the guy got in through an unlocked window. In the other incident, a man walked into an unlocked house. The residents were inside, but luckily, no one was hurt. He asked for someone and soon left--with a stolen laptop. It was time to do a security alert. I was up until about 1am talking to various people and getting that security alert written and distributed. In less than 24 hours, we have had a drug bust, thefts, and criminal trespass "arrest." Guess those students weren't paying attention at orientation!
My boss apologized for waking me and asking me to do this. I thanked him. I felt needed and back in my element again. I hate that those crimes took place, but I loved getting a chance to do my job, even in the middle of the night!
After all was done, I still could not sleep. It seems that once my chemo brain starts to go away, my brain goes into overdrive. Between my inability to shut off my brain and my body aches, sleep was not sound. However, I am up and back to work today! Get to give a presentation to new students in the Occupational Therapy department today!!!
(Don't have time to edit today so I hope my thoughts are clear and that I don't have too many misspelled words!)
Tori's Presence Blesses Others
From CaringBridge site:
Dropped my sister off at the airport this morning. Sure was good to have her here. The pain and discomfort weren't much different than normal. I still had bad chemo brain and zero energy on Wednesday. I still ached and slept most of the day on Wednesday and Thursday. I still felt weak and achy on Friday. However, having her here made the week seem to go by quicker. She made sure I ate and ate well. She cleaned the house and did my laundry. She made sure I took not just my anti nausea pills, but also my vitamins. She took really good care of me. Plus, it was nice just knowing someone was here.
On Wednesday, she made dinner for us and for Brad and his mom. She came into town to attend a Neimen Pick conference. Both my niece and nephew have that. Extremely sad! Even though Wednesdays are my worst days (my brain is so foggy I can barely even talk because I can't think straight) it sure was nice to see her!
Tori was even a blessing to Mike and Morgan. My sister is a lot like my dad. She needs projects to do. She likes to stay busy. With Mike's permission, she redecorated Morgan's room. Looks more like a soon-to-be 13 year old's room rather than a guest room. Morgan came home from school surprised and happy!
Yesterday was Mike's birthday. Some family friends came to visit me. They did me a huge favor and brought me a cake for him. Tori decorated the kitchen for him the way she does for her own boys. He came home from a long, busy day at work surprised! It was nice!
I feel much better today. My body still aches, especially my upper back and shoulders and neck. But, it is nice being clear headed and having enough energy to do something other than veg out in front of the couch. Still don't have enough energy to go hiking or anything, but at least I can enjoy a good book today
Written Aug 18, 2012 1:22pm by Renee Albracht
Dropped my sister off at the airport this morning. Sure was good to have her here. The pain and discomfort weren't much different than normal. I still had bad chemo brain and zero energy on Wednesday. I still ached and slept most of the day on Wednesday and Thursday. I still felt weak and achy on Friday. However, having her here made the week seem to go by quicker. She made sure I ate and ate well. She cleaned the house and did my laundry. She made sure I took not just my anti nausea pills, but also my vitamins. She took really good care of me. Plus, it was nice just knowing someone was here.
On Wednesday, she made dinner for us and for Brad and his mom. She came into town to attend a Neimen Pick conference. Both my niece and nephew have that. Extremely sad! Even though Wednesdays are my worst days (my brain is so foggy I can barely even talk because I can't think straight) it sure was nice to see her!
Tori was even a blessing to Mike and Morgan. My sister is a lot like my dad. She needs projects to do. She likes to stay busy. With Mike's permission, she redecorated Morgan's room. Looks more like a soon-to-be 13 year old's room rather than a guest room. Morgan came home from school surprised and happy!
Yesterday was Mike's birthday. Some family friends came to visit me. They did me a huge favor and brought me a cake for him. Tori decorated the kitchen for him the way she does for her own boys. He came home from a long, busy day at work surprised! It was nice!
I feel much better today. My body still aches, especially my upper back and shoulders and neck. But, it is nice being clear headed and having enough energy to do something other than veg out in front of the couch. Still don't have enough energy to go hiking or anything, but at least I can enjoy a good book today
Day Three Still the Hardest
From CaringBridge site:
Written Aug 15, 2012 9:28pm by Tori Dahl
Today is day three after her treatment.... And all the info we were given explained that day three was usually the hardest....well they were right.
She ate a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner, that's good news. But it's amazing to see how much her energy level dropped from yesterday to today. She slept the entire day. Not even enough energy to take a shower. She said her entire body hurts....says it feels tender.
But, she's in good spirits. She knows her body is fighting a good fight
She ate a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner, that's good news. But it's amazing to see how much her energy level dropped from yesterday to today. She slept the entire day. Not even enough energy to take a shower. She said her entire body hurts....says it feels tender.
But, she's in good spirits. She knows her body is fighting a good fight
Tori Takes Care of Me
From CaringBridge site:
What a difference it makes having my sister here with me. My sister not only made sure I ate breakfast, but she gave me a healthy breakfast of fruit and muffin. Later that morning, we went for a walk around the block. Granted, I was wiped out after only one slow stroll, it was nice being outside and having someone to talk to.
While on the walk, I told her how much I miss being outside. I'm an outdoorsy person and since I'm not supposed to be in the sun a lot, I've missed doing some of my favorite things like hiking or going to the lake or the coast with my family. I suffer from seasonal depression and I think I'm going through the same thing now that I go through during the winter since I am cooped up inside so much. She suggested we go to a park for a little while Friday afternoon and she suggested I read outside.
So, when we got back to the house, I took a shower then went outside for my Bible time. I read the Book of James. Quite the right text for the day. Even though I was tired, I continued to read.
Before my doctor's appointment, we went to the bookstore and I got a nice journal like you recommended, Terri. I call it my Eucharisteo Journal, also called thanksgiving journal or gratitude journal. It's small and leather, something I can easily keep with me.
When I got home, my friend Carol came to visit. She brought me a casserole then stayed to chat for a while. It was nice!
After all that activity, I think the shot started to get to me. I was starting to feel bad and awfully tired. Instead of going to take a nap in bed, though, I stayed on the couch. When I realized I forgot to take Ibuprofen and when it was time to take my anti nausea pills, Tori was there to get them for me.
Then, she made me breakfast for dinner--yummy pancakes and fruit. I ate a lot. That was something! I actually had an appetite. I suppose it's easy when there is food there and I don't have to try to figure out what to eat. Takes too much energy to worry about food when I'm not feeling well.
The whole day was something. If I had been alone, I would have spent the day in bed since I didn't feel well and had no one at home to talk to. Had Carol not brought me food and had Tori not cooked for me, I probably would have eaten dry cereal or noodles again. To have been up and about today, even though I didn't feel great and to have eaten three meals today is amazing.
Tuesdays usually aren't that bad anyway, but today is still so much better than normal. Wednesdays are usually bad days, but hopefully, with Tori here taking care of me and encouraging me, tomorrow won't be as bad as last week!
Written Aug 14, 2012 7:18pm by Renee Albracht
What a difference it makes having my sister here with me. My sister not only made sure I ate breakfast, but she gave me a healthy breakfast of fruit and muffin. Later that morning, we went for a walk around the block. Granted, I was wiped out after only one slow stroll, it was nice being outside and having someone to talk to.
While on the walk, I told her how much I miss being outside. I'm an outdoorsy person and since I'm not supposed to be in the sun a lot, I've missed doing some of my favorite things like hiking or going to the lake or the coast with my family. I suffer from seasonal depression and I think I'm going through the same thing now that I go through during the winter since I am cooped up inside so much. She suggested we go to a park for a little while Friday afternoon and she suggested I read outside.
So, when we got back to the house, I took a shower then went outside for my Bible time. I read the Book of James. Quite the right text for the day. Even though I was tired, I continued to read.
Before my doctor's appointment, we went to the bookstore and I got a nice journal like you recommended, Terri. I call it my Eucharisteo Journal, also called thanksgiving journal or gratitude journal. It's small and leather, something I can easily keep with me.
When I got home, my friend Carol came to visit. She brought me a casserole then stayed to chat for a while. It was nice!
After all that activity, I think the shot started to get to me. I was starting to feel bad and awfully tired. Instead of going to take a nap in bed, though, I stayed on the couch. When I realized I forgot to take Ibuprofen and when it was time to take my anti nausea pills, Tori was there to get them for me.
Then, she made me breakfast for dinner--yummy pancakes and fruit. I ate a lot. That was something! I actually had an appetite. I suppose it's easy when there is food there and I don't have to try to figure out what to eat. Takes too much energy to worry about food when I'm not feeling well.
The whole day was something. If I had been alone, I would have spent the day in bed since I didn't feel well and had no one at home to talk to. Had Carol not brought me food and had Tori not cooked for me, I probably would have eaten dry cereal or noodles again. To have been up and about today, even though I didn't feel great and to have eaten three meals today is amazing.
Tuesdays usually aren't that bad anyway, but today is still so much better than normal. Wednesdays are usually bad days, but hopefully, with Tori here taking care of me and encouraging me, tomorrow won't be as bad as last week!
Medical Update
From CaringBridge site:
Written Aug 13, 2012 6:19pm by Tori Dahl
Renee had a CT scan last Friday. It was the two month marker to see how she has been responding to treatment.
And she got the results today, Great news!!!
The lymph node in her chest has shrunk from 16x15mm to 10x9mm.
She has two lymph nodes in her throat and one was 29x20mm and has shrunk to 27x9mm and the other one was 25x20mm and has shrunk to 11x10mm.
She has some lymph nodes in her abdomen but these have not changed. The doctors think these may not be cancerous. A biopsy will confirm this but one has not yet been scheduled.
All other numbers are good and in normal range with the exception of her Red Blood cell count, but it's still pretty good. Normal range is between 4.04-5.48, hers is at 3.95.
Her blood platlets are at 300, normal range is 142-424.... So this is great.
And she got the results today, Great news!!!
The lymph node in her chest has shrunk from 16x15mm to 10x9mm.
She has two lymph nodes in her throat and one was 29x20mm and has shrunk to 27x9mm and the other one was 25x20mm and has shrunk to 11x10mm.
She has some lymph nodes in her abdomen but these have not changed. The doctors think these may not be cancerous. A biopsy will confirm this but one has not yet been scheduled.
All other numbers are good and in normal range with the exception of her Red Blood cell count, but it's still pretty good. Normal range is between 4.04-5.48, hers is at 3.95.
Her blood platlets are at 300, normal range is 142-424.... So this is great.
A Better Chemo Session
From CaringBridge site:
My sister will post the details later, but I wanted to come on and say thank you for all the prayers. I did not get sick this time. Yes, my stomach does hurt a tiny bit and I am tired, but nothing like the last times.
They gave me the red drug first right after the Benadryl and anti nausea drip instead of last. I think that helped. I slept through the hour long drip and probably slept off the bad effects of the red drug.
I also brought the raisin bran muffins Carla gave me and ate a few of those. I thought having something in my stomach other than pretzels or crackers would help, but I knew I would not want a
Subway sandwich. I think her muffins helped to settle my stomach.
Above all, though, I credit your prayers.
When we got home, my sister made me a fruit smoothie and I'm sitting on the couch typing this instead of laying in bed miserable. Hopefully, this whole week will be better than last time...and...the next session marks the half way point!
One more blessing...How about this weather!
Written Aug 13, 2012 3:06pm by Renee Albracht
My sister will post the details later, but I wanted to come on and say thank you for all the prayers. I did not get sick this time. Yes, my stomach does hurt a tiny bit and I am tired, but nothing like the last times.
They gave me the red drug first right after the Benadryl and anti nausea drip instead of last. I think that helped. I slept through the hour long drip and probably slept off the bad effects of the red drug.
I also brought the raisin bran muffins Carla gave me and ate a few of those. I thought having something in my stomach other than pretzels or crackers would help, but I knew I would not want a
Subway sandwich. I think her muffins helped to settle my stomach.
Above all, though, I credit your prayers.
When we got home, my sister made me a fruit smoothie and I'm sitting on the couch typing this instead of laying in bed miserable. Hopefully, this whole week will be better than last time...and...the next session marks the half way point!
One more blessing...How about this weather!
Little Things Matter
From CaringBridge site:
Written Aug 12, 2012 4:01pm by Renee Albracht
I washed Renee Junior (my wig) for the first time after church today! Ha! Looked like a wet cat. Just glad it didn't fight back like a wet cat would have! It actually felt nice washing my hair again, even if it wasn't attached to my scalp!
I am in a great mood again today. Made it to church today and the preacher preached a good one! Went to Sunday School and then to lunch with my friend Tommy afterwards.
It amazes me how much the little things matter. It's not until those pleasures were denied me that I realized just how much they mean to me. While sitting in Sunday School, I thought about my deep desire to move back to Texas and be closer to my family. If I am fortunate enough to be able to do that a year or two down the line, I sure will miss my church family. I have learned a lot from them about the kind of Christian I want to be. I will miss them dearly!
Tomorrow is chemo number 5 and I also get the results from the CT scan from Friday. Please keep me in your prayers. Also, please pray for my friend, Cheryl. She finished chemo shortly before I started. She is now sick again. I don't know all the details, but she was in some kind of pain and had to have surgery on Friday. One person mentioned she was going to have to undergo more chemo. I can't imagine thinking you were finished just to find out the cancer returned. It's hard enough going through it the first time!
Another Good Day
From CaringBridge site:
Written Aug 11, 2012 5:58pm by Renee Albracht
Another good day today! Really enjoyed my massage. Very relaxing. The best part is how normal it makes me feel. My masseuse treats me like any normal client, even with the loss of hair and swollen eye. Makes me feel good to feel normal!
And the eye...not pink eye, but certainly not pleasant! It swelled up again last night. I'm getting these little pimple looking things on my eye lid. The ones on the bottom have dried up. I now have one on the top eye lid. And, the lashes on my right eye are starting to fall out.
Doesn't bother me mentally, though. I see it as just one more thing. I'm still really upbeat. This week flew by, like all the good weeks do, but I'm not dreading chemo on Monday as bad as I have in the past. This time I know I'm going to be taken care of. With my sister with me, I know I'll eat as I should and I won't be lonely.
I also bought me a speaker thing for my iphone. That way, instead of laying in bed listening to the television, I can plug in my phone and listen to Way-FM. I thought it would be too much trouble to make a CD or download my favorite uplifting songs. Besides, it would cost too much if I downloaded the songs. This way, I get to hear my favorite station and all Christian songs are uplifting anyway.
That's all I have to write for today. Not a lot, but good....oh, and thanks again, everyone, for your posts and encouragement. Terri, I think I'll try that two journal thing. Carol, that class at church sounds very intriguing. When does it start? I may not be able to make it chemo weeks, but I can at least come every other week! Carla, I would love to hear your story some time. And, Michael, "hello." I wrote down my experiences in a journal, but never typed it up. Hope to see you tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Thanksgiving Journal
From CaringBridge site:
A few nights ago, I finished One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. If anyone knows of any other uplifting books like that, let me know. I loved that book and hated to finish. Her words slowed and inspired my spirit.
Anyway, all her talk of keeping a journal of thanks made me think about keeping one. After putting her book down, I pulled an old prayer journal I keep in my satchel, but haven't used in quite some time. As I pulled it out, I noticed the first entry was dated 6/9/10. It was a list of things I was thankful for. I had forgotten that I had once done this.
June 9, 2010, just one month before my life fell apart and I found out my soul mate had cheated on me. I didn't read any of the other entries. The memories are still too painful.
One of the first things I gave thanks for on June 9, 2010 was for the coughing getting better. I chuckled to myself. The cough...which two years later we find out is cancer related, started at that time.
I found a clean page, reflected on the day, and started giving thanks. By the time I put it down, I felt very peaceful and fell asleep. Ann said the journal changed her. I decided to keep a thanks journal hoping it would change me, too. Sometimes it is hard to think thanks, but it is easier to write it down. Writing focuses my attention.
The next day, I kept the journal with me. Thanks for the sound or rain...thank you for this yummy brownie...for a mother and daughter walking their dogs...for the sound of Mike and Morgan studying together in the other room...for Carla bringing me that care package with all that delicious food! She is the one who gave me that wonderful book by Ann Voskamp. What a wonderful woman! Huge heart!
As I lay in bed writing my prayers and thinking more thanks, I realized just how much love surrounds me. A heart made of ironing crayon bits between wax paper given to me by Ryan...bracelets made for me by Tyler...a teddy bear Tori's clan gave me when I was in the hospital...the bunny Mike gave me for Easter last year...the picture of sisters my sister gave me and how she described how the one was me because she had a cross necklace...the picture of the woman at the feet of Jesus that I got when I went on the retreat with my mom...the memory of her washing my feet and how we bonded...all the pictures of the boys, especially the silly one of them in the big sunglasses...the cross my dad gave me...I am thankful for them all. It made me think: on days when I am too sick to get out of bed, all I need to do is look around that room and remember just how much I am loved. Again, such a great peace swept over me and I fell right to sleep.
This morning, I went to the hospital to get a CT scan. At first, it was a bit disconcerting because I was walking into the lobby of the same hospital where I was when I found out I had cancer. I was in the same lobby where my mom and I walked when I wanted to get out of the room.
Instead of getting down, I thanked God that I was two months removed from that moment and that much closer to the end of this entire ordeal.
Before my appointment, I had to drink two big bottles of contrast. I had bad memories of that nasty stuff I had to drink the first night in the hospital in preparation for the colonoscope. Luckily, it didn't taste near as bad or have the awful effects. It was more like drinking chalky milk with a very slight berry taste.
I thought that since I had to drink that stuff, they would not give me the IV contrast. I was wrong. I asked the lady what it was all for. She said the drink was to coat my stomach and intestines. The IV coated my veins. I don't like that injection. It didn't hurt, but the smells get to me. After the scan, they cleaned my port with saline just like they do during chemo. That smell, too, makes me sick. But, it's more psychological. Afterwards, I told myself to be grateful I won't stay sick. Some fresh air and food and I'd be good as new!
Came in to work afterwards. Since I would only be working about a half day and since I would be working in the office, I came in street clothes...no uniform...wearing a cap and no wig. I wondered what the guys would think and/or say. Nothing! They treated me and talked to me as if nothing was different. Cool guys!
I got a lot more done than I planned to do this week. I had a lot I needed to get done and was so afraid I wouldn't get to it all. Not only did I get to it all, I got ahead! This is great! I have some major, law required projects coming up that will soon need my full attention. Getting ahead will help with that!
Great week! Get a massage tomorrow and plan to do little else, maybe enjoy a good book! Looking forward to my sister coming to spend the week with me...even though I am not looking forward to chemo on Monday...at least it won't be as lonely!
Written Aug 10, 2012 2:46pm by Renee Albracht
A few nights ago, I finished One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. If anyone knows of any other uplifting books like that, let me know. I loved that book and hated to finish. Her words slowed and inspired my spirit.
Anyway, all her talk of keeping a journal of thanks made me think about keeping one. After putting her book down, I pulled an old prayer journal I keep in my satchel, but haven't used in quite some time. As I pulled it out, I noticed the first entry was dated 6/9/10. It was a list of things I was thankful for. I had forgotten that I had once done this.
June 9, 2010, just one month before my life fell apart and I found out my soul mate had cheated on me. I didn't read any of the other entries. The memories are still too painful.
One of the first things I gave thanks for on June 9, 2010 was for the coughing getting better. I chuckled to myself. The cough...which two years later we find out is cancer related, started at that time.
I found a clean page, reflected on the day, and started giving thanks. By the time I put it down, I felt very peaceful and fell asleep. Ann said the journal changed her. I decided to keep a thanks journal hoping it would change me, too. Sometimes it is hard to think thanks, but it is easier to write it down. Writing focuses my attention.
The next day, I kept the journal with me. Thanks for the sound or rain...thank you for this yummy brownie...for a mother and daughter walking their dogs...for the sound of Mike and Morgan studying together in the other room...for Carla bringing me that care package with all that delicious food! She is the one who gave me that wonderful book by Ann Voskamp. What a wonderful woman! Huge heart!
As I lay in bed writing my prayers and thinking more thanks, I realized just how much love surrounds me. A heart made of ironing crayon bits between wax paper given to me by Ryan...bracelets made for me by Tyler...a teddy bear Tori's clan gave me when I was in the hospital...the bunny Mike gave me for Easter last year...the picture of sisters my sister gave me and how she described how the one was me because she had a cross necklace...the picture of the woman at the feet of Jesus that I got when I went on the retreat with my mom...the memory of her washing my feet and how we bonded...all the pictures of the boys, especially the silly one of them in the big sunglasses...the cross my dad gave me...I am thankful for them all. It made me think: on days when I am too sick to get out of bed, all I need to do is look around that room and remember just how much I am loved. Again, such a great peace swept over me and I fell right to sleep.
This morning, I went to the hospital to get a CT scan. At first, it was a bit disconcerting because I was walking into the lobby of the same hospital where I was when I found out I had cancer. I was in the same lobby where my mom and I walked when I wanted to get out of the room.
Instead of getting down, I thanked God that I was two months removed from that moment and that much closer to the end of this entire ordeal.
Before my appointment, I had to drink two big bottles of contrast. I had bad memories of that nasty stuff I had to drink the first night in the hospital in preparation for the colonoscope. Luckily, it didn't taste near as bad or have the awful effects. It was more like drinking chalky milk with a very slight berry taste.
I thought that since I had to drink that stuff, they would not give me the IV contrast. I was wrong. I asked the lady what it was all for. She said the drink was to coat my stomach and intestines. The IV coated my veins. I don't like that injection. It didn't hurt, but the smells get to me. After the scan, they cleaned my port with saline just like they do during chemo. That smell, too, makes me sick. But, it's more psychological. Afterwards, I told myself to be grateful I won't stay sick. Some fresh air and food and I'd be good as new!
Came in to work afterwards. Since I would only be working about a half day and since I would be working in the office, I came in street clothes...no uniform...wearing a cap and no wig. I wondered what the guys would think and/or say. Nothing! They treated me and talked to me as if nothing was different. Cool guys!
I got a lot more done than I planned to do this week. I had a lot I needed to get done and was so afraid I wouldn't get to it all. Not only did I get to it all, I got ahead! This is great! I have some major, law required projects coming up that will soon need my full attention. Getting ahead will help with that!
Great week! Get a massage tomorrow and plan to do little else, maybe enjoy a good book! Looking forward to my sister coming to spend the week with me...even though I am not looking forward to chemo on Monday...at least it won't be as lonely!
Importance of Work
From CaringBridge site:
First of all, thank you, everyone, for your prayers and posts. I look forward to reading your words of encouragement. Terri, the eye is better. I will remember the potato thing, though!
Today was an AWESOME day! I feel fantastic! It's amazing how a little bit of work can change my outlook!
My boss and I had a meeting with one of the Associate Deans of Students today. For years, we have been asking for an audience in front of the incoming freshman during orientation. For the past few years, we got about five minutes with all the students and sessions with the parents. This year, we still got out parent sessions, but we also finally get an hour in front of the freshman during welcome week!!!
This is usually something I would handle and I still plan on handling it. However, since it takes place next Sunday, during chemo week, Terry will be my backup. I should be better by then and able to do it, but we are working together just in case.
I have not been out of my office much since being diagnosed with cancer. Many people on campus passed along their concern and prayers through Mike and Terry, but I have not seen them myself. It was great seeing so many people in the Student Affairs Office and other places on campus. Belmont truly is a great place to be. So many people are so supportive!
Since I have led programs with students for years, I spoke most of the time during the meeting, highlighting what I often share with students--everything from what our department does to how to respond to an active shooter on campus. I really felt in my element and felt important once again.
Later in the afternoon, I started working on a power point presentation. My boss offered to work on it later, but I really wanted to do it. As I told my boss, most of what we want to say is already posted on our website and in my notes from other programs I have done. It is a simple matter of putting it together.
Also, Terry's power points are more business oriented. I wanted to add colors and pictures and gear it more for our student audience.
At 4:30pm, I was still going strong. Terry came and asked me what I was still doing at work. I was on a roll and having fun. I usually leave work around 4pm. I didn't leave until 6pm.
Such a simple thing, but feeling needed and having a job to do really made for a great day!
Written Aug 8, 2012 6:20pm by Renee Albracht
First of all, thank you, everyone, for your prayers and posts. I look forward to reading your words of encouragement. Terri, the eye is better. I will remember the potato thing, though!
Today was an AWESOME day! I feel fantastic! It's amazing how a little bit of work can change my outlook!
My boss and I had a meeting with one of the Associate Deans of Students today. For years, we have been asking for an audience in front of the incoming freshman during orientation. For the past few years, we got about five minutes with all the students and sessions with the parents. This year, we still got out parent sessions, but we also finally get an hour in front of the freshman during welcome week!!!
This is usually something I would handle and I still plan on handling it. However, since it takes place next Sunday, during chemo week, Terry will be my backup. I should be better by then and able to do it, but we are working together just in case.
I have not been out of my office much since being diagnosed with cancer. Many people on campus passed along their concern and prayers through Mike and Terry, but I have not seen them myself. It was great seeing so many people in the Student Affairs Office and other places on campus. Belmont truly is a great place to be. So many people are so supportive!
Since I have led programs with students for years, I spoke most of the time during the meeting, highlighting what I often share with students--everything from what our department does to how to respond to an active shooter on campus. I really felt in my element and felt important once again.
Later in the afternoon, I started working on a power point presentation. My boss offered to work on it later, but I really wanted to do it. As I told my boss, most of what we want to say is already posted on our website and in my notes from other programs I have done. It is a simple matter of putting it together.
Also, Terry's power points are more business oriented. I wanted to add colors and pictures and gear it more for our student audience.
At 4:30pm, I was still going strong. Terry came and asked me what I was still doing at work. I was on a roll and having fun. I usually leave work around 4pm. I didn't leave until 6pm.
Such a simple thing, but feeling needed and having a job to do really made for a great day!
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