Over Stressed

From CaringBridge site:

Written Sep 9, 2012 8:28pm by Renee Albracht

I have been going a million miles a minute the past few days. By Thursday afternoon, I finally started to feel better and I've been like the energizer bunny. I just keep going and going and going. My body and my mind will not stop. It's a complete 180 from what my body goes through during chemo weeks.

It's been good and bad. Good because I have had a lot to do this week at work. I had programs in the residence halls about crime preventions--everything from petty theft to active shooters. I also had to work on our annual security report. It is due by the first of October and since I only work every other week, I had a lot to do in order to have time for my boss and my boss's boss to review it before we publish it. This is my first year doing it so it took a lot longer than it otherwise would. Loved all of it, though. Made me feel needed at work--even if I did have to work on it this weekend.

It is bad because I feel a little ADD. All my life, I have been a middle of the road kind of person. Now, I go from one extreme to the other twice a month. Can't wait until I can find a happy medium again.

Friday was a little interesting. I had an appointment for a PET scan on Friday and I had to be there at 7:00am. I had bad dreams for two nights in a row that I missed my appointment. The first night, I dreamt I overslept and it was my fault I was late. The next night, it was the doctor's fault. They were running way behind and wanted to cancel on me last minute. At least that time, MIke Holmes overheard me ranting and raving. He took pity on me and invited me to his house for a BBQ. Unfortunately, his girlfriend was with him and she was super nice!

So, I did everything the night before to make sure I didn't miss my appointment. I woke up early, left the house early, arrived early and pulled out my work to edit while I waited.
The man called my name and then asked me what I was doing there so early. Said they didn't have me scheduled until 1pm. I told him I was told to be there at 7am for an 8am appointment. I finally realized he was referring to the pulmonary function test scheduled for 1pm. They had no record of a 7am PET scan appointment. He told me the imaging center wasn't even open yet! I tried to call my doctor, but they didn't answer either. My bad dream was coming true!

I called Mike and luckily, he hadn't left the house yet. He checked my paperwork and I was at the wrong place! My last test was at Centennial Hospital and my pulmonary test was going to be at Centennial. I assumed the PET scan would be there, too! I forgot about the change.

So, I rush to figure out where to go next. I'm struggling to drive and look at the GPS on my phone. I found a number to the place and told them of my dilemma and asked if I could still come. I was only 30 minutes late and they said I could still come in! Yea!

I arrived and they gave me two 16oz cups of contrast. Luckily, this time it really did taste like fruit punch. I downed them with no problem! Then, they took me to a room with a chair that leans back, a pillow and a blanket. This confused me a bit. The nurse explained that they were giving me sugar water chased by radiation. The cancer cells would feed on that and would be visible during the scan. After the injection, they wanted me to lay still and do nothing for about an hour. They even turned off the lights! I planned on meeting people for breakfast. I texted my friend before turning off my phone. After that, the scan took twenty minutes.

I find out the results tomorrow.

I'm over stressed today. I have my routine I like to do on the day before chemo. I like to make sure everything is clean, especially my sheets and the restroom. My immune system is about to be shot and these two areas need to be hospital clean for me. I also like to have what I call my "last meal." Everything the day before chemo becomes so urgent. I need to be ready for a week when I will be unable to take care of myself or be of any use to anyone else.

Today, it all went to hell. I had the added stress of trying to finish that report for work--at least well enough to be able to send to my boss for review. A few other things went wrong today. Sometimes, I feel like such a burden and what really stinks is that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm stuck. I can't go home like I want to. I have no place to call my own and I can't help out to relieve the stress of others. Instead, I'm that added burden of stress.

I know work is supportive. I know most everyone else in my life is, too. It's the part of me that wants to be able to take care of myself and my own responsibilities that's getting in the way. It's the part of me trying to make everything perfect so I don't get even more sick that's getting in the way--me trying to control something I have no control over. It's me trying to be strong when I just want to scream out to God and say "why me?" It's the guilt I feel at thinking this when one friend is about to undergo chemo tomorrow for the second time and my niece and nephew have a much more serious and life threatening condition. Who am I to feel sorry for myself?

On the plus side, my Sunday School class gave me some money to help out with expenses this week. It's still hard for me to accept gifts that I don't need since I could buy my own food, but I love the heart and sentiment behind it. Their desire to help any way they can make me feel loved.
My dad is here this week. That is another bright side. Nothing like the love and support from family. Since I didn't get to have my calming day, I sure am glad he will be here to keep me from getting in a funk the rest of the week.

Well, off to bed to try to give it all to God and let it go. It seems I'm a little more high strung this week. I think it's because I didn't start feeling better until Thursday. I had too short a reprieve this time and I'm not ready to get sick again. Need to go talk to God and get my mind straight for tomorrow!

*I had talked to my dad earlier about my stress. After posting this, I talked about my stress with a friend. Just sharing my feelings seems to help a lot. Knowing this, why is it still so hard for me to open up with people?