Taking the First Step

Last Thursday I met with a new trainer at Belmont for a fitness assessment. I was not surprised by how horrible I did. Only three minutes doing step ups and I could not walk for days. I could do little more than bend an inch or two at the waist during my flexibility test. My trainer kept encouraging me and telling me I was doing well. I laughed and told him he was being very nice.

It was strange having a Belmont senior training me. It's been a long time since I worked with a trainer and this is the first time I was not already in shape. Made me feel a bit old.

I met with him again on Monday to go over my new workout plan. I was highly pleased. When filling out my application, they asked me to list specific goals. They want something measurable and not simply "loose weight" or "get in shape." My goals included: gain flexibility (be able to kick gain), gain endurance to be able to participate in Krav Maga again, and to be able to run the Music City Half Marathon. I have never really had much interest in running the marathon, but seemed like a good goal. If I could do that, I would most likely be more flexible, healthy, loose weight, and be in good enough shape to get back into Krav Maga.

My trainer did his homework. He not only talked with me about my past workout experience and recent medical hindrances, he also researched Krav Maga and built a workout plan that would help me  improve the muscles and movements necessary in Krav Maga. All my exercises work multiple muscle groups and strengthen my core.

He suggested I start slow: work with weights once or twice a week, light weight, start with one set of ten to twelve reps. He told me how to judge when to start increasing. He also suggested cardio and possibly yoga or Pilate's to help with flexibility and endurance.

Since I said I only wanted to meet once a month (I only need someone to set up a program for me and monitor me until I get back into a routine), he gave me a freebie Monday - no extra charge and allowing me to keep my remaining four sessions. He wanted to be able to walk me through the program to make sure I understood everything, check my form and my breathing. I love his commitment!

It may have been weird at first working with such a young and skinny trainer, but I sure am glad I did. I left excited to get going.

This morning marked my first full workout in a very long time. I was super excited and a bit nervous. Since I am starting slow, it went by pretty quickly. However, I could tell that it was working. My muscles are already a bit tight.

I finally feel like I'm on the path to recovery. This is the first step to getting my life back and hopefully doing even better than I did before!

After first workout - wearing "Renee's Brigade" t-shirt.

A God Thing

It seems like I am witnessing "God things" more and more lately. Every time it happens, I get that same type of euphoric feeling I get after watching a moving movie like Les Miserables or after attending a Bon Jovi concert and I want to share it with others and say, "how cool was that?"

Last night was, without a doubt, a God thing...

There is a song on the radio called Need You Now (How Many Times) by Christian artist, Plumb. No matter where my mind has wandered, this song always brings me back to the moment and takes me on a journey through this past year...through the past two and a half years.

Before, when I heard it, I wished I had had that song in my repertoire while I was going through treatments. I could easily see that as being one of the songs I clung to like I did with so many other songs like Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me, Even If by Kutlass, When Mercy Found Me by the Rhett Walker Band, and Good to Be Alive by Jason Grey.

Last night, on my way to church, I heard it again. This time, I wept, tears streaming down my cheeks and neck. The song took me back to a very particular and integral moment early in my treatment - the day I lost control, wondered how in God's name I was going to make it through six months, the moment my sister called and I broke down, when she took over my treatment and by her "bulldozing" ways, got me through those six months - a very real and very big God thing!!!

I remembered the many moments when the desperation in that song was my own. Now, I sit on the other side and see how faithful He was through every moment. I weep because I am overcome with gratitude to both my God and my sister. If she had been with me, I would have given her the biggest hug I knew how to give.

When I got to church, I sat in the parking lot drying my eyes and texting my sister. I gave her the name of the artist and song and told her to look it up and listen to it. I explained why.

I almost didn't go to church last night. I felt the rush of life and had a hundred things that needed to get done. God told me they all could wait. I needed to go.

Even though I was not hungry, I went and sat with a friend during dinner at church. I intended to go with him to a class to learn more about what Nazarenes believe. Being relatively new to the faith, it would be interesting to see how it compares with my Catholic upbringing. The topic of the new women's Bible study intrigued me, though, Becoming a Woman of Simplicity. I told Tommy I had decided to go to the women's Bible study.

I had not been to a women's Bible study in over two years. I missed the first class last week so during small group, I decided to keep my mouth shut and simply listen. However, as our time together neared the end, we started talking about sorrow and joy - we cannot know true joy without sorrow.

I thought about the absolute truth of this statement and I once again thought about the song. I began choking up and felt God urging me to share this story. I was reluctant. I don't want to be that person that always has something to say. I don't want to feel or have others feel like I need to be the center of attention.

 About 1/3 of the women in the class already knew me and knew my story. I thought about making a general statement about how true the topic was in my life, but I felt God urge me to tell the story of the song. I obeyed that still, small voice.

Once I mentioned the song, I noticed a few of the younger ladies in the group react. I wasn't sure how to process their reaction, but it made me a bit nervous, wondering what I said to cause it. Were they familiar with the song and simply acknowledging that they, too, thought it was powerful? Were they affirming my story, indicating by their reactions that they, too, have similar stories and know exactly what I'm talking about? Do they simply wish I'd get on with it already and shut up so we can all go home?

Everybody was very nice to me and after I finished, we rapped up the class and everyone started to disperse. I threw away my trash and came back for my book. A woman my age I had noticed before because of her gorgeous long, black hair came up to where I stood. She was talking with an older woman and both women included me in their conversation.

When the older woman left, the woman with the great hair asked my name and asked if I was a member of the church. She shared that she could relate to some of the things I was saying...then...she told me she was Plumb.

I know my face must have turned bright red. I turned my head and told her I was so embarrassed. No wonder the women reacted when I brought up that song. They knew that the person who wrote and sang the song I was talking about was sitting right across from me. Funny thing is, I looked right at her when I was telling my story. She looked back at me and there was no hint that there was anything out of the ordinary going on.

She told me not to be embarrassed. That had never happened before, but she appreciated what I had to say about the song. We ended up talking for about twenty minutes. She shared with me the emotion behind the song. We talked about life and how these dark moments drew us closer to Christ and changed us. I meant to ask her why she calls herself Plumb, but we never got that far. She had to leave to pick up her kids and I went to my car and was yet again stunned by the extremely unusual events of the night.

When I got back to my car, I saw that my sister had texted me back. She said she looked up the song and it made her cry, too. She even shared the song and my text with a friend of hers. Her friend is in a similar situation as ours. The friend's sister is going through some tough times and the friend is afraid of being too pushy and upsetting her sister. My sister had told her about me and how sometimes the person in crisis doesn't know what she needs and doesn't know what to ask. My text came at the most opportune time. She used it as proof that it is okay to be "bossy" sometimes for the benefit of those we love.

I immediately tried to call Tori to tell her a story she would not believe. She did not answer. I tried calling Brad, but he did not answer. I tried to text Mike when I got home to see if he was still awake, but he did not respond.

Tori finally called me back and I shared with her what happened. Before the night was over, I shared it with Mike and my parents as well.

It's not so unusual that I would meet Tiffany (Plumb) at church. I had heard years ago that she went to my church. As a matter of fact, when I tried to organize a fundraising event for my Tent City ministry five or so years ago, I sent her a message to see if she would be available to make an appearance. After all, the ministry was through the church.

However, back then, I rarely listened to Christian music. I had no idea who she was and could not name one song. I wouldn't have recognized her if I had seen her at church. I simply thought a Christian recording artist would draw more people than my non-recording artists I had booked.

I never heard back and I never gave it or her another thought until this song came out. I have only recently started to become familiar with the artist names and that is only because when I hear a song that speaks to me, I make it a point to find out who sings it.

Even still, I only know Plumb by this one song and I still had no idea what she looked like.

She said that when I brought up the song, her friend slipped her a note asking if she thought I knew she was Plumb. She said she didn't think I knew. She was right.

Now, that whole thing was pretty random, but quite obviously a God thing. I'm just not sure who it was meant for. Was it meant to give me a cool story to share in my blog? To teach me about obedience and waiting on Him? Was it meant for my sister or my sister's friend? Was it meant for the woman who wrote the song, to let her know that her ministry has purpose? Was it meant for all of us or for none of us? I'm not sure. Just happy that God let me be a part of a pretty cool piece of His orchestration.

Two Months Removed

In five days, it will be two months since my last chemo treatment. Today was my first checkup since December 3 when I found out I was in remission. 

The day did not start out well and progressively got worse before getting better. I woke up feeling exhausted. It was cold and wet outside. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and go back to sleep. But, I did my best to stay awake and spend my time with God. I even managed to have my quiet time without falling asleep!

Today, I learned a valuable lesson about the importance of that quiet time. I may not hear God's voice as often as I would like. When I don't hear from Him, I start to wonder why I bother. What purpose does it serve? Now I know. I may not hear His voice, but the quiet, the stillness, the anticipation of being in His presence calms me and prepares me for the day. It is better than starting the day feeling rushed or flustered. Did I ever need that peace today!

I cannot get into what happened and I would not want to even if I could. Let's just say that this is the worst day I have had at work since being promoted to Assistant Chief. They say rank has it's privileges and maybe so, but being in a position of authority can also be extremely difficult. 

I left work early to go to my six week checkup. I had not been nervous about it until I pulled into the parking garage. All the familiar sights and smells came rushing back and I felt a combination of emotions: fear that my blood levels may not be good, relief that I was not there for treatment, sadness knowing there were people receiving treatment at that very moment. 

Everything went very well. I have not gained or lost any weight. That was exciting in and of itself. I was a bit worried about holiday weight gain. 

My red and white blood cells are both up and looking really good!

I asked if I can start flossing and using mouth wash again and if I can see a dentist. I'm past due for a checkup and I really miss flossing. He said yes.

I know I can teach my self defense class, but I cannot participate, meaning I need others to do the demonstrations. However, there is a RAD conference in San Antonio in July. I want to go. Will I be able to participate by then? If my blood levels keep looking this good, absolutely!!!

Facial hair. I love that my hair is growing back, but it's growing back everywhere! The hair on my face is very fine and light. You have to be right up on me to really notice, but it is there. It is obvious once you see it. He explained that it's like a newborn. They are born with hair all over their bodies. That falls out and their regular hair grows in it's place. Should be like that for me. It should eventually fall out. 

Can I wax it? My blood levels are doing well enough to allow for waxing!

My hands are swollen and my knuckles get stiff. My right hand and wrist is worse than the left. Sometimes, my knuckles lock up. At night, they get so stiff that I cannot use my hands. I have to use my thumbs to pull off the covers and open the house door to let Bailey out in the morning. Hot water usually loosens them up. He thinks it's because of disuse. I have spent six months doing next to nothing. The muscles are just adjusting to working so much. I spend a lot of time at the computer. The fact that my right hand, my dominant hand, hurts worse, makes this more likely. 

Sores in my nose. I had similar sores before and during treatment. Just want to make sure it's okay that I'm still getting them. Yes it is. As a matter of fact, had I told them about it sooner, they could have given me something to treat them. If I get more, they suggested I contact them. 

The doctor also filled out my medical release form for the trainers at Belmont so I can start working out again. I can workout with limitations - my hands and port in my chest. The doctor did suggest that light hand exercises will help with the pain. 

After my doctor visit, I got my port flushed out. It was sad seeing familiar faces in their treatment chairs. It was nice catching up with the nurses, though. 

I plan on posting a photo of me every six weeks so that everyone can keep up with my progress. Everyone at the doctor's office was impressed with how fast my hair is growing back. I'm just tickled that I have eyelashes and eyebrows again. Like I told the doctor, I'm not terribly concerned about the facial hair right now. It's not like I'm wanting to date or anything!

How Firm a Foundation

I may not have gotten to go to Gethsemani, but I still had a fantastic day. It started out slow. I stayed in bed for a while longer than normal. I felt so tired and a bit let down because I was not where I had wanted to be. After a few hours of lounging on the couch, I made my way to my secondary room in the attic and spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon up there.

I had decided that since I did not go to Gethsemani, I would spend some time gluing the pieces of the porcelain creamer Tori gave me for Christmas that I broke (on purpose) to go along with the book, Mended.

Before I started gluing, I read my daily devotional from "Jesus Calling". It was meant just for me and was a direct answer to my request to hear His voice loud and clear on my birthday. He was not going to give me exactly what I wanted the way I wanted it.

It read:

"Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with Me. I will not show you what is on the road ahead..."

"There's my answer!" I said, more amused than angry by the way God chooses to speak to us sometimes.

The second part of that last sentence read, "but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey."

I set the devotional aside and started assessing the broken pieces gathered in front of me. God told me to work on my foundation first. "Don't worry about going any further today. Make sure your foundation is strong and stable, that the glue has plenty of time to dry. If you try to rush it, the whole thing will end up crumbling in your hands."

The words, "how firm a foundation" came to mind. "Isn't that a song?" I wondered. What great spiritual truth comes from such a simple project.

I was enjoying the way God chose to speak to me today. In fun I said, "Well, since I didn't get the big gift I wanted, can you at least make the sore in my nose pop? I've been really good about not picking at it and trying to force it like I have with the others. That would make an excellent present, too!"

Later today and again this evening, the sucker popped on it's own! It wasn't nearly as gross as some of the other sores have been and my nose instantly felt better!

This morning my dad mentioned something about the way God speaks to me. I have been thinking about it for the past two days. He doesn't always speak. Sometimes I have to wait on Him. Sometimes, I think He does speak, but I'm too busy to hear or pay attention.

The way He speaks sometimes is what I find rather profound. It's not as humans speak, but it's just as clear. Like with my dream from the other night. He gave me the explanation, but He didn't explain it with words the way I had to do to describe it to others. I simply knew. But, it was as if He had explained it in words. But it took only one millisecond to tell me. I don't know if that makes any sense and I don't really know how to explain it any better than that.

I have been asked how I know it's God who is speaking to me and not just me speaking to myself, telling myself what I want to hear. At the time, I said I just know. It's faith. Besides, if I was talking to myself, I would tell myself only those things I want to hear. God does not always tell me what I want to hear. The more I think about it, the way He communicates is the reason I know it's Him speaking and not just me. It's as if my time stands still while He explains things to me. Time does not exist the way we understand time during those moments of clarity. I guess any way you look at it, the bottom line is that it is simple faith.

Anyway, later this afternoon, Mike and Morgan took me to dinner and a movie. I had thought about inviting other friends, but I wanted to keep this simple. I didn't want a big to-do, just spending a quiet evening with family. They are family to me. I didn't want to feel like I had to entertain anyone. Simplicity.

We went to Judge Beans for dinner. Judge Bean is a Texan who does BBQ Texas style. I haven't been there in years and I haven't been to his new place. I was a bit disappointed. The atmosphere was great! It was like being in a Texas dance hall. The food was not so great. He used to cook his food fresh outside in a pit. When they were out of food, they were out of food. This tasted run of the mill. I did not smell anything cooking outside. Either I got them on an off day or he's gotten a little too commercial.

After dinner, we went to see Les Miserables. My goodness! That was the best movie I have seen in a very long time, maybe ever! I do not remember the last time I was so emotionally moved by a movie. There has never been a time when I wanted to see it again immediately. I had tears running down my neck. I jokingly told Mike I wanted to stay for the next showing. Had it not already been close to my bedtime, I would have gladly stayed. I am beyond impressed by the acting and singing from all of the cast. Got me excited to start going to see live operas and plays again.

The part with Ann Hathaway singing after her hair was cut off really got to me. Her hair looked like mine. The emotion of the song and her performance reminded me of moments I had while undergoing treatment. How blessed I felt to be past all that pain.

To my surprise and delight, Morgan loved it just as much as we did. She also got emotional.

After the movie, I suggested Dairy Queen. I mainly wanted to go simply because I had not yet done my good deed for the day. I intended to buy someone a movie ticket, but since I did not pay for the movie, I forgot.

You see, my sister turned 40 on January 7th. On Christmas Eve, she told us that for her birthday, she wanted her family to do 40 random acts of kindness. I thought this was a neat idea. I told Mike and Morgan about it and the three of us are working together to do 40 random acts of kindness in 40 days in her honor.

It is really neat because it gets us all thinking about what we can do for others above and beyond what we already do. I love the influence it's having on Morgan. Even if Mike or I have something to offer, I use what she has done if she has something. It warms my heart to hear what she has to say! Turns out, it has been a great gift for all of us!

Anyway, we went inside and while I was waiting for my blizzard, I heard one of the workers take a drive thru order. He stood close to me. I got his attention and told him I wanted to pay for that order. He looked a little taken aback, but let me do it. He asked if I knew the guy or if I was just being nice. I said I didn't know him. The cashier, the one who took my order, said that was the coolest thing he ever saw.

I scooted behind a wall because I could tell the guy at the window was asking what was going on. I didn't want him to see me. As I later told Morgan, we do not do good deeds to be rewarded for them. Although, in a way, I suppose we are rewarded anyway. It's a great feeling.

Mike noticed the guy in the truck pull up and stop. Morgan stared as he got out of the car. I didn't notice him at first and I stood at the door as he came in. He looked at me and asked who paid for his blizzard. I looked at Morgan and her eyes got big and she grinned real big. I stifled a laugh, shrugged my shoulders and shook my head as if I had no idea what he was talking about. The guy was between me and Mike and Morgan. They faced his back. After the man asked this question, the two of them did a quick 180 and walked away, leaving me between him and the door.

He looked at me again and said, "I thought it was you." I told him I didn't know and bit my lip. Luckily, he believed me. He took one last look around the place and left with a bewildered look on his face.

Once he left, the three of us went outside to eat our ice cream. We all had a good laugh about what had happened. What an experience. The best part, though, was Morgan talking about what she planned to do for her good deed on Monday.

On top of all that fun, I got a lot of birthday greetings via facebook, text, and phone calls. While still at Dairy Queen, my mother-in-law called and sang me happy birthday. That is one call I look forward to every year. Something so special about her singing to me.

I also got a video of my nephews singing as well. That is especially sweet because I share my birthday with my nephew, Ryan. For him to sing to me on his birthday is quite special!

I may have missed out on my plans to go to Gethsemani, but I still ended up having a pretty great day. Choosing the mountain over the valley. Today it paid off!

The foundation pieced back together.

The rest of the broken pieces waiting to be put back together.

All I Want Is...

Tomorrow is my birthday. Since I was not able to go to the Abbey of Gethsemani for my annual retreat in October, I planned on going for my birthday. I would not be able to stay at the monastery, but I would spend the entire day there on Saturday and stay in a nearby hotel Friday and Saturday night. That was the plan.

I told God I only wanted one thing for my birthday. I wanted to hear from Him. I didn't just want to hear from Him, though. I wanted to HEAR from Him...loud and clear...no mistaking it is Him talking to me...something profound...more profound than the other times I have heard from Him at Gethsemani...this time without having to get lost in the woods first!

Not too much to ask, right?

When I told Brad what I wanted, he asked, "What if you don't like what He has to tell you?"

I had already given this a lot of thought. While reading the book my sister gave me entitled Mended, the author told a story about Sodom and Gomorrah and  Lot. I really don't remember what her point was. I think it had to do with Lot's wife looking back and turning into salt.  But let me tell you what I got out of it.

The angel of God told Lot to go to the mountain. Don't look back and don't stop in the valley. God just told him not to stop in the valley, but Lot mentioned a city in the valley and asked if he could stop there. God consented.

God told Lot to go to the mountain, but Lot wanted to follow God only to a point. He left his home as directed and never looked back, but he failed to fully follow God. What was waiting for Lot in the mountains? What blessing was he missing because he chose not to fully go along with God's plan?

I didn't want to miss out, no matter what God had to say. I just wanted Him to say something! I have really been trying to be still and quiet in His presence, listening for Him. Although being still is not that difficult, quieting my mind is. I have not heard anything since He told me to wait and I thought a word or two shouted from Him to me would make a glorious birthday present.

Last night, I packed my bag and explained to Bailey that I was leaving for a few days, but would return soon and that Uncle Mike would take good care of her while I was gone.

Before going to bed, I started to feel a bit light headed and very nauseated. This morning, I finished packing and put my bags in my car before coming to work, but I was still feeling miserable. As the morning dragged on, I began to feel worse and worse.

As I talked with Mike and later Danny and Terry over breakfast, I thought maybe this was God's way of telling me not to go out of town. Maybe this was God's way of telling me I did not need to go to Gethsemani to hear Him speak. Maybe, like that post making it's way around the Internet of the man complaining about all the obstacles in his day and Jesus explaining how those obstacles kept the Angel of Death away, maybe like him, God does not want me traveling. There is a 70% chance of rain this weekend.

Whatever the reason, I was still a bit upset about the prospect of my plans not working out. I felt like just going back to bed, but I didn't want to spend my birthday in bed. I wanted to spend it in Gethsemani. I wanted to hear Him speak to me.

As I walked from my office to the location of a program I was leading for the students, I asked God to tell me what to do. Do I go ahead and go? Do I get a hotel closer to home, but just get out of town? Do I just stay home, rest, and plan my trip for a time when I can spend more time there and enjoy it more when there is better weather?

His answer was quick and simple. "You know the answer," he told me. "Yes." I responded. I will stay home.

I still hope for some profound moment, but at least He is speaking to me now. The other night, He explained something to me and this morning, He explained my dream.

The last thing God told me was to wait. Wait for what? I'm not sure, but I knew I needed to learn to wait. The other day, He explained that there is a difference between being patient and waiting. Being patient means I will eventually get what I want. Waiting does not guarantee I will get what I want. It simply means I should not act presumptuously. I must not move until He tells me to. I must not act until He tells me how.

Every once in a while, I have a dream about a house. Sometimes, it's my grandma Valdevia's old house. Sometimes, it is my old carriage house. Sometimes, it's a house I have never seen before. Each time, I am moving into this house. The house is bigger, longer than it appears from the front of the house. The front part is fixed up and obviously lived in. A kitchen divides the lived in part of the house and the back part, the closed off part. The back part of the house is very spacious and has a lot of potential. The further back you go, though, the more in disarray it becomes, almost frightening in it's rundown state.

Last night, it was the old green house I was living in and fixing up. I was walking by it and noticed just the slightest hint of black smoke coming out from the roof. Assuming the house was abandoned and afraid it had caught fire, I let myself in to investigate.

The inside resembled the old carriage house. I walked up the stairs to the source of the smoke and walked into what used to be my bedroom. There was a man sleeping in a bed. I startled him awake. I explained my reason for being there. He thanked me. Several others woke up and started climbing out of the bed (nothing inappropriate was going on. They had simply been asleep). A young woman walked up the stairs to find out what all the commotion was. I explained what was going on and apologized once again.

I asked her how many people lived there and asked why they weren't concerned about the mold problem. She invited me downstairs and showed me the improvement they had made in the kitchen. They had cleaned and repaired the mold problems.

As I looked around, I noticed that the mold problem wasn't the only thing they fixed. They completely remodeled the entire place. It was huge inside and looked fantastic. I told her how I used to live there and asked if I could take a look around and see the changes they made. She consented. I walked around the place by myself, admiring the improvements. There were people everywhere, all young, but all happy and all had taken part in the renovations. As I walked around, I started to get jealous. This was supposed to be my home. These were supposed to be my improvements. The place seemed so small and bland when I lived there!

I asked if they had done anything to the back of the house. She said not yet. I asked if I could take a look there as well and she said yes. The back of the house was still run down, but they had started renovating. The old, worn, falling apart pieces were removed and the areas had been cleaned and repaired. All they had to do now was rebuild and decorate. A lot of work still needed to be done, but a lot of work had already been done. As I saw these improvements, my jealousy intensified. They did what I could not. I gave up on the house, thinking it was worthless, the cause of my sickness. Someone else had taken what I discarded and made something beautiful, fun, and functional out of it.

While getting ready for work this morning, I wondered about the dream. Didn't think much about it, but God gave me the interpretation without me asking.

The house is me, my soul. The front part of the house is the place where I am, where I feel comfortable. It is the life I have made for myself. It is my valley.

The back part of the house is my potential. It is the wasteland of my hopes and dreams, the gifts from God that I have yet to fully appreciate and use. It is the mountain.

God told me two things. One, if I do not use the gifts and talents God gave me, He will give them to someone else who will use them.

Two, I cannot do it alone. I fixed up my living quarters my way and it is comfortable, nice, and neat. All those young men and women in my dream worked together and made something magnificent out of their combined living space.

Profound! I covet the gifts God gave me and I do not want to lose them.

What now?

Silence.

Wait.

Is this my birthday present? Will He tell me more tomorrow? I don't know.

Wait.

Waiting

While driving home from work yesterday, the DJ asked listeners if God gave them a word to live by for the coming year. I remember them doing that last year, but I could not think of one word. This year it was easy. It is the one thing God spoke to me about during the drive home for the holidays. It is the one thing He continues to teach me.

Wait.

Change does not come easy and it is not quick. I have always had a problem with wanting to do things right now whenever I got an idea. This is a problem as a whole in our society, but my concern is me. I have never been good at the waiting. I end up jumping the gun and as a result, either not get it done or get it done wrong.

There are the obvious things I must wait for. Texas. I know God may change my mind or He may have other plans for me, but right now, I want to go home. However, I know I can't do so for at least one year, possibly two. I must take care of my health and continue seeing the doctor here.

There are other obvious things I must wait on. The chemo brain to get better. Time to write and complete my third novel. The search for an agent and publishing deal.

These are hard enough to wait on, but it's the other, less obvious things that come up that make waiting even more difficult.

For instance, I discovered something very frightening on my way home from Texas. I was at a Motel 6 in Little Rock, looking in the mirror, admiring just how much my hair has grown in just a few short weeks. The hair on top of my head was getting thicker. My eyebrows were getting thicker and my eyelashes were starting to grow back. Hair is sprouting on my fingers and arms and all over my body again.

As I looked at my face, I realized HAIR IS GROWING ALL OVER MY BODY!

I have a beard! I am not joking! Granted, the hair is white and very fine, but it is there. It is on my cheek, chin, and even growing down my neck!

Is this normal or am I a freak of nature? Me and my doctor will be discussing this, but I do not see him again until January 14th. You better believe I will be heading straight for a wax if this is not normal and he does not expect it to fall out. I will still get a wax if it is normal and he says it's okay. But, I must wait. I do not want to act without discussing it with him.

Luckily, I have been able to joke about it. Terry, Mike, and Brad have even joked right along with me. Brad even joked saying I am now becoming the man I have always wanted to be! If I had any interest in dating, though, it probably would not be so easy to joke and wait. After all, who would want to date a woman  with a beard?

Today I met with a trainer at Belmont to start a new workout program. We discussed my workout history and what I have been through the past six months. I expected we would talk then plan to hit it first thing Monday morning.

That's not how it works. First, I have to get a medical release signed by my doctor so that the trainers know my limitations, if any. I also have to fill out paperwork so that they know what my needs and goals are so that they can connect me to the right trainer.

This means I will not get to start a new program for at least another week. This is a lot harder to wait for. Like I told the trainer, I have been working out since I was in middle school. I started on weights in the 8th grade. Before that, I was involved in sports since the 3rd grade. I know what to do. I just need someone to help me get back on track knowing my medical limitations.

I thought about simply starting on my own, but I know that is not the best or smartest thing to do. I need the help and I need the medical clearance in order to get the help. I must wait.

During my prayer time, I have tried to work on sitting still and silent in His presence. Talk about difficulty waiting. My mind wanders and I get bored or worse, I get sleepy. I certainly DO NOT have the patience for this. My sister gave me a book called Mending for Christmas. The author talks about some of this and suggests listing all the things that lead us off course, the things that distract us. I took the time to do this and it helped. Whenever a distraction popped up, I recognized it, set it aside, and started over. I even started using the timer on my phone to help. If I committed so much time to focus on sitting still, I would not be tempted to look at the clock and see how long it's been.

Waiting...it's not easy, but I must remember that good, lasting change cannot and will not come without it.

You Want to Make a Memory

After putting about 3,000 miles on my car and visiting just about everybody I hoped to see during my two weeks in Texas, I headed back to the place I call home - at least for now. I intended to leave on the 31st, but I woke up that morning feeling sick to my stomach. It seemed like everyone around me had been sick and lucky me, I never caught whatever they had...until....

I lay in bed debating whether to go ahead and go or wait one more day. Fearing a possible fever and not wanting to be sick on the road, I elected to stay one more day. My stomach felt better and no fever!

Since I am not a partier nor a late night kind of gall, I was asleep before midnight and awake and on the road early on New Years Day. As I neared the state line between Texas and Arkansas, the Bon Jovi song, (Want to) Make a Memory came on. As I listened, I thought about all the good times with family and the dreams that flourish when I travel through the state. The song faded out as I crossed the border. Something about the song fading at that exact moment choked me up for a brief second. It literally took my breath away. I was leaving home, leaving the place where I belong.

Toward the end of the trip, while driving from Houston to my mom's house in Karnes City, I passed a small town called Belmont. I laughed because I always said heaven on earth would be if Belmont were in Texas. Now, I was referring to the university when I said this and I knew there was a Belmont, Texas, but the irony still tickled me. Nothing but land as far as the eye can see. I thought to myself, "if I ever have that kind of money, I'm going to build my log cabin here in Belmont." This thought led to other thoughts, namely, how could I ever have that kind of money? Writing. Having one of my novels turned into a book. Would I write the screen adaptation or would someone else? Who would star in it?

These thoughts led to other thoughts, namely, my next novel. Fleshing out the details, making pitches to agents.

These thoughts led to other thoughts, namely, what do I want most out of life. A genuine relationship with Jesus Christ. I have one now, but I want a mature relationship, not an I do good today then forget to pray tomorrow type that I currently have. I want to be able to sit with Him in silence. I want my daily life to reflect my Gethsemane trips. I envisioned me having a more mature spiritual life.

All these thoughts while driving through Texas made me realize that Texas makes my dreams flourish. Every time I come home, I think about what could be, what I want. When I get back to Nashville, I don't dream anymore, at least, not in the same way. Why?

Then, I always get a bit angry when I leave Texas and head back to Nashville. This time was a bit different, but I'll get to that in a second.

On this particular trip, I tried to figure out why. The answer came to me pretty quickly. Texas for me is like childhood, with all the possibilities for the future. Tennessee is like adulthood, reality, what truly is. In Texas, my hopes and dreams are still alive. People there, mostly family, keep my dream alive by encouraging my writing and dreaming with me about moving back and having that cabin. In Tennessee, I work for a living to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, I truly love Belmont. I love my job and the people I work with, but the fact is, it's not my dream. It is what I settled for.

Now, back to why I was not angry and sad (other than that one moment while crossing the border). Before, I always felt sorry for myself, life did not turn out the way I hoped. This time, I did not feel sorry for myself. This time, I had a different attitude about the situation - determination. I want more than anything to be healthy, closer to God, write for a living, and live in Texas. I must do the work to make those dreams a reality.

I have a laundry list of things I want to do: start working out again, start writing again, find a new ministry to participate in, move back to Texas. I cannot do them all at once. I cannot do them now. These are not New Year's resolutions. They are dreams I had and plans I made while going through chemo for what I wanted once I was declared cancer free. Now I am in full remission and am determined to do something with the second chance I have been given.

This is what God has been working with me about...waiting. I want to jump in and do it all now, but I can't. He has told me to work on the health thing first, eat better and get on a workout plan again. One step at a time.

As I passed the city limits of Nashville, I felt like a stranger in a familiar town, like I no longer belonged here. I thought about all the things in Nashville I love - Belmont, Mike, and Brad.

Belmont will get along just fine without me. As a matter of fact, seeing things go on without me while I was out undergoing chemo made me realize that in some ways, it is already moving on without me.

Living with Mike has been a Godsend, he is my best friend and I love him to pieces, but this arrangement is not going to work forever. He is eventually going to have a girlfriend who may even end up moving in some day. He may even get married again. Even if he doesn't get married or have a girlfriend who moves in, simply dating someone regularly makes this arrangement inappropriate. At the very least, if he started going out with someone, I would not get to spend as much time with him. The dynamics of our relationship will, someday, inevitably change.

I have been blessed by being able to have Brad back in my life after all we've been through. However, once he starts dating again, those dynamics will change as well. We will no longer talk every day. It would be inappropriate if we did. It may come to a point where we don't talk or see each other at all, the way it works with a lot of exes.

My point is that things constantly change. I cannot base my future on the conditions of today. At the same time, my future will never change if I do not take the steps to change it today.

The first step is getting off the computer and having my quiet time with God. I told myself that I would make this a priority after the holidays when I got home. I returned home today and it is time to start before I get too tired and put it off once again!

Happy 2013!