Waiting

While driving home from work yesterday, the DJ asked listeners if God gave them a word to live by for the coming year. I remember them doing that last year, but I could not think of one word. This year it was easy. It is the one thing God spoke to me about during the drive home for the holidays. It is the one thing He continues to teach me.

Wait.

Change does not come easy and it is not quick. I have always had a problem with wanting to do things right now whenever I got an idea. This is a problem as a whole in our society, but my concern is me. I have never been good at the waiting. I end up jumping the gun and as a result, either not get it done or get it done wrong.

There are the obvious things I must wait for. Texas. I know God may change my mind or He may have other plans for me, but right now, I want to go home. However, I know I can't do so for at least one year, possibly two. I must take care of my health and continue seeing the doctor here.

There are other obvious things I must wait on. The chemo brain to get better. Time to write and complete my third novel. The search for an agent and publishing deal.

These are hard enough to wait on, but it's the other, less obvious things that come up that make waiting even more difficult.

For instance, I discovered something very frightening on my way home from Texas. I was at a Motel 6 in Little Rock, looking in the mirror, admiring just how much my hair has grown in just a few short weeks. The hair on top of my head was getting thicker. My eyebrows were getting thicker and my eyelashes were starting to grow back. Hair is sprouting on my fingers and arms and all over my body again.

As I looked at my face, I realized HAIR IS GROWING ALL OVER MY BODY!

I have a beard! I am not joking! Granted, the hair is white and very fine, but it is there. It is on my cheek, chin, and even growing down my neck!

Is this normal or am I a freak of nature? Me and my doctor will be discussing this, but I do not see him again until January 14th. You better believe I will be heading straight for a wax if this is not normal and he does not expect it to fall out. I will still get a wax if it is normal and he says it's okay. But, I must wait. I do not want to act without discussing it with him.

Luckily, I have been able to joke about it. Terry, Mike, and Brad have even joked right along with me. Brad even joked saying I am now becoming the man I have always wanted to be! If I had any interest in dating, though, it probably would not be so easy to joke and wait. After all, who would want to date a woman  with a beard?

Today I met with a trainer at Belmont to start a new workout program. We discussed my workout history and what I have been through the past six months. I expected we would talk then plan to hit it first thing Monday morning.

That's not how it works. First, I have to get a medical release signed by my doctor so that the trainers know my limitations, if any. I also have to fill out paperwork so that they know what my needs and goals are so that they can connect me to the right trainer.

This means I will not get to start a new program for at least another week. This is a lot harder to wait for. Like I told the trainer, I have been working out since I was in middle school. I started on weights in the 8th grade. Before that, I was involved in sports since the 3rd grade. I know what to do. I just need someone to help me get back on track knowing my medical limitations.

I thought about simply starting on my own, but I know that is not the best or smartest thing to do. I need the help and I need the medical clearance in order to get the help. I must wait.

During my prayer time, I have tried to work on sitting still and silent in His presence. Talk about difficulty waiting. My mind wanders and I get bored or worse, I get sleepy. I certainly DO NOT have the patience for this. My sister gave me a book called Mending for Christmas. The author talks about some of this and suggests listing all the things that lead us off course, the things that distract us. I took the time to do this and it helped. Whenever a distraction popped up, I recognized it, set it aside, and started over. I even started using the timer on my phone to help. If I committed so much time to focus on sitting still, I would not be tempted to look at the clock and see how long it's been.

Waiting...it's not easy, but I must remember that good, lasting change cannot and will not come without it.