You Want to Make a Memory

After putting about 3,000 miles on my car and visiting just about everybody I hoped to see during my two weeks in Texas, I headed back to the place I call home - at least for now. I intended to leave on the 31st, but I woke up that morning feeling sick to my stomach. It seemed like everyone around me had been sick and lucky me, I never caught whatever they had...until....

I lay in bed debating whether to go ahead and go or wait one more day. Fearing a possible fever and not wanting to be sick on the road, I elected to stay one more day. My stomach felt better and no fever!

Since I am not a partier nor a late night kind of gall, I was asleep before midnight and awake and on the road early on New Years Day. As I neared the state line between Texas and Arkansas, the Bon Jovi song, (Want to) Make a Memory came on. As I listened, I thought about all the good times with family and the dreams that flourish when I travel through the state. The song faded out as I crossed the border. Something about the song fading at that exact moment choked me up for a brief second. It literally took my breath away. I was leaving home, leaving the place where I belong.

Toward the end of the trip, while driving from Houston to my mom's house in Karnes City, I passed a small town called Belmont. I laughed because I always said heaven on earth would be if Belmont were in Texas. Now, I was referring to the university when I said this and I knew there was a Belmont, Texas, but the irony still tickled me. Nothing but land as far as the eye can see. I thought to myself, "if I ever have that kind of money, I'm going to build my log cabin here in Belmont." This thought led to other thoughts, namely, how could I ever have that kind of money? Writing. Having one of my novels turned into a book. Would I write the screen adaptation or would someone else? Who would star in it?

These thoughts led to other thoughts, namely, my next novel. Fleshing out the details, making pitches to agents.

These thoughts led to other thoughts, namely, what do I want most out of life. A genuine relationship with Jesus Christ. I have one now, but I want a mature relationship, not an I do good today then forget to pray tomorrow type that I currently have. I want to be able to sit with Him in silence. I want my daily life to reflect my Gethsemane trips. I envisioned me having a more mature spiritual life.

All these thoughts while driving through Texas made me realize that Texas makes my dreams flourish. Every time I come home, I think about what could be, what I want. When I get back to Nashville, I don't dream anymore, at least, not in the same way. Why?

Then, I always get a bit angry when I leave Texas and head back to Nashville. This time was a bit different, but I'll get to that in a second.

On this particular trip, I tried to figure out why. The answer came to me pretty quickly. Texas for me is like childhood, with all the possibilities for the future. Tennessee is like adulthood, reality, what truly is. In Texas, my hopes and dreams are still alive. People there, mostly family, keep my dream alive by encouraging my writing and dreaming with me about moving back and having that cabin. In Tennessee, I work for a living to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, I truly love Belmont. I love my job and the people I work with, but the fact is, it's not my dream. It is what I settled for.

Now, back to why I was not angry and sad (other than that one moment while crossing the border). Before, I always felt sorry for myself, life did not turn out the way I hoped. This time, I did not feel sorry for myself. This time, I had a different attitude about the situation - determination. I want more than anything to be healthy, closer to God, write for a living, and live in Texas. I must do the work to make those dreams a reality.

I have a laundry list of things I want to do: start working out again, start writing again, find a new ministry to participate in, move back to Texas. I cannot do them all at once. I cannot do them now. These are not New Year's resolutions. They are dreams I had and plans I made while going through chemo for what I wanted once I was declared cancer free. Now I am in full remission and am determined to do something with the second chance I have been given.

This is what God has been working with me about...waiting. I want to jump in and do it all now, but I can't. He has told me to work on the health thing first, eat better and get on a workout plan again. One step at a time.

As I passed the city limits of Nashville, I felt like a stranger in a familiar town, like I no longer belonged here. I thought about all the things in Nashville I love - Belmont, Mike, and Brad.

Belmont will get along just fine without me. As a matter of fact, seeing things go on without me while I was out undergoing chemo made me realize that in some ways, it is already moving on without me.

Living with Mike has been a Godsend, he is my best friend and I love him to pieces, but this arrangement is not going to work forever. He is eventually going to have a girlfriend who may even end up moving in some day. He may even get married again. Even if he doesn't get married or have a girlfriend who moves in, simply dating someone regularly makes this arrangement inappropriate. At the very least, if he started going out with someone, I would not get to spend as much time with him. The dynamics of our relationship will, someday, inevitably change.

I have been blessed by being able to have Brad back in my life after all we've been through. However, once he starts dating again, those dynamics will change as well. We will no longer talk every day. It would be inappropriate if we did. It may come to a point where we don't talk or see each other at all, the way it works with a lot of exes.

My point is that things constantly change. I cannot base my future on the conditions of today. At the same time, my future will never change if I do not take the steps to change it today.

The first step is getting off the computer and having my quiet time with God. I told myself that I would make this a priority after the holidays when I got home. I returned home today and it is time to start before I get too tired and put it off once again!

Happy 2013!