One Falsely Accused

Yesterday I said I needed something from God. I did not know what I needed, but I needed something. Today is Palm Sunday. The sermon was about peace...God's peace. In Sunday school, we continued to discuss Jesus entering Jerusalem...one falsely accused.

We had a special guest give his testimony in Sunday School. A relative of one of our members joined us and thanked the class for the prayers. He had spent more than 70 days in prison for a crime he did not commit. He compared his experience to that of Joseph, another person falsely accused. He shared his joy in realizing how God used this terrible experience to bless Joseph's family and many others. He shared his excitement in seeing how God will use him in a similar way. He told how the day he found out he was going to be free, his family had gathered in prayer and fasting.

What a blessing to be able to see first hand the power of prayer.

After class, I thanked him for his testimony. I told him how I told God I needed something and how I thought he was that something.

Did I have a miraculous healing or change of mood? Nope. Has my spirit been uplifted? Not exactly. Do I feel better about things? Not yet.

How, then, do I know the testimony of one falsely accused is God's gift, giving me that something I needed? It restored my hope.

The Fighter

This post will not be terribly long, but I know some are curious to know how things are going since my last post did not include the results of my visit with the doctor about my wrist. The post will be relatively brief because 1) it is difficult to type and 2) I am growing weary of always having something to complain about. I am tired of being that person.

I got the MRI done Friday. I got the results on Tuesday. Inflamed tendon. Two shots and I have to wear a splint all the time for a month and at night after that. It is difficult, stressful, and annoying trying to text, type, and to do just about anything without the use of my dominant right hand.

Last Saturday I went hiking - 5.5 miles. Had a wonderful time. Got home to a very sick little girl. Bailey had vomited and pooped all over the house. Blood in both. Mike drove me to the pet ER while I wept. To make a very long story short, she has spent all but two days this week at the vet getting treatment for some sort of gastritis/ulcer problem.

She stayed home and seemed fine on Wednesday. Thursday morning she pooped nothing but blood. I took Bailey to the vet and just knew she was going to die. She looked so sad and helpless. The doctor thought stress made her relapse. I caused my baby to get sick again and have to spend the next two days back at the doctor.

I spent the day Thursday curled up in the fetal position in bed all day. My mom had called to check on me and asked how my spirit was doing. Not good. Bailey seems to be improving, but it's still not good. I am angry with God. It's one thing after another. Big things. I gave up on Thursday. Not suicidal give up. I just lost the fight in me. Thinking I was going to lose Bailey was harder than facing the worst days of cancer. She is my heart...or as I started calling her, my medallion (reference to the movie The Lost Medallion)

What caused me to be upset to cause Bailey to relapse and almost die? Someone once very close to me recently told me we needed to make a decision. Either work toward reconciliation or part ways. I was not ready to make that discussion yet. He made the decision for me Tuesday night, a very bad decision. I was hurt for him. He was so close to doing the right thing for himself and possibly for us. I was also mad at him for hurting those who loved him most. I'm not mad at him for causing me to cause Bailey to suffer. That is all my doing. She stresses out real bad when she sees me upset. I usually try my best to control my tears around her because of this, but I could not control the pain Wednesday night.

I took her for a checkup today. They didn't have the results of her new blood work back yet, but they took the catheter out and let me take her home again. They were happy with the way she looked and the fact that she ate dinner and breakfast and was able to keep it down. She has been napping beside me all day.

I get better as Bailey gets better, but my spirit is still not good. I hear the song about God being in the storms and countless sleepless nights and I believe it, but I just can't feel it. I know He is still by my side and loves me, but I just can't understand it. What lesson have I not learned? A friend said sometimes bad things happen for no reason. I don't believe that. One thing right after another? Why can't I have a breather for just a little while?

I'm not Job. I'm not so great a Christian that Satan has to be too worried about me to attack me like Job. I'm a good person, but not saintly good. I don't care to wonder why anymore. It is what it is. There is nothing I can do to change any of it.

Before Bailey relapsed, I felt like the Mark Wahlburg character in the movie, The Fighter. He was always the underdog. People wrote him off, but every time, he came back in the end and knocked his opponent out.

After Thursday, I now feel more like the scrawny, self-assured kid on Million Dollar Baby. He trains his heart out and just know he has something great inside of him. He just needs that chance to prove himself. He finally fights another kid. The other kid starts whipping him senseless. An old man (Morgan Freeman) comes to his aid and breaks up the fight. With only one gloved hand, the old man knocks out the other kid. The scrawny, self-assured kid realizes what happened as he watches the old man knock out his dream and he walks away from the scene a defeated loser.

On Thursday, I received a package in the mail. It was a shirt I had ordered. It's from Bon Jovi, has a boxer's taped hand on it, and says "The Fighter." I am wearing that shirt today. I feel like the loser kid right now, but I think I still have some fight left in me. It's just buried deep right now. I just need a little something from God. I'm just not sure what that something is...

I am the Fighter

I used to say that I had the patience of a rock, no one was more patient than I am. I suppose that is an easy claim to make before my patience was ever truly tested.

The doctor warned me that it would take roughly a year before I felt normal again. However, he never explained what exactly that meant. What I have been going through, although better than cancer, has tried my patience over and over again.

Last Monday, I met with my OBGYN. She ran a blood test to see if I had a thyroid condition or if I was going through menopause. I didn't get the results until a full week later. Good news, no early onset menopause. Other news, looks like I do have hpyo-thyroidism. She advised me to see my primary care physician.

Luckily, she was able to see me the very next day. On Tuesday, I met with my primary care physician, the same woman who finally had sense enough to know that something was wrong. She is the one who scheduled me to see Dr. Meluch. She is the one who took the x-ray of my chest. She is the one who worked with Dr. Meluch to get me into the hospital. I took this opportunity to thank her.

She confirmed that I had a slight problem with my thyroid. That explains my symptoms: weight gain, fatigue, itchy skin, temper. However, she explained that it could be a temporary problem caused by the chemo. It may correct itself in a year or two. Or, it may be a perminant problem. For that reason, she is starting me off on a dose slightly less than what she would use on someone else. She does not want to shock my thyroid, causing me to have the opposite problems, hyper-thyroid. I will get retested in six weeks and continue to be monitored to see how things are going. I started my medication, Synthroid, this morning. She said it will probably take a few weeks before I start noticing any affects.

I also asked her about my wrist. It started hurting around Christmas. It started feeling better for a short time then slowly got worse. Now, it is to the point that I cannot write. I have to have my entire arm flat and write slowly. Every once in a while, I get this excruciating pain in my wrist when I do very normal activities such as picking up a bag or opening a door. At night, any movement I make wakes me up.

She thought it was a cyst and said it could most likely be treated with a shot. There is a small chance I may need surgery to remove it. She referred me to a hand specialist. She assured me that Dr. Douglas was a nice and good looking young man! He is also married!

I was a bit stressed out about medication. She told me she could not give me the generic brand. I need to take the name brand. She assured me that she would work with me on finding another medication if this one turned out to be too expensive. It is a new year which means my health insurance deductibles start over. That's another $4,000.00 coming out of my pocket. I am already trying to figure out how to cut costs from my monthly bills. Last thing I need is one more big cost.

Luckily, Belmont pharmacy only charges cost, no additional fees. A month's supply cost me less than $5.00! Hopefully, this medication works for me! It sure does work for my wallet!

I had an appointment with Dr. Douglas this afternoon. It started out very well. I was told to arrive 30 minutes before my appointment to fill out paperwork since I was a new patient. I arrived fifteen minutes earlier than that! I filled out that paperwork, got x-rays done, and waited to meet the doctor before 3pm.

The visit with Dr. Douglas did not go as easily as I expected and hoped. My pain is a bit abnormal. The cyst, if it is a cyst, is not located where he normally sees cysts. He told me of all the options, but highly recommended an MRI so that he could see exactly what was going on instead of simply assuming what the problem could be.

Unfortunately, because it was late afternoon and they could not get a hold of my insurance company, they could not do it today. They will have to call me to set up another appointment. I was pretty upset for several reasons.

I knew a shot on the wrist would probably hurt like crazy, but I had prepared myself for this, expecting a shot today and relief over the weekend. Also, an MRI costs money. There is a chance I may have to pay out of pocket before they can even do it. I have no money right now to pay up front. Even if they charge me and let me set up payments, which they would most likely do, this is more money that I am responsible for paying, keeping me in debt even longer.

I started doing the math. I am going to continue needing tests, even if I only get the occasional CT or PET scans, I will end up meeting or exceeding my deductible for the next five years. That is $20,000 additional debt. When will it end? Will I ever be able to afford to move back home? Will I end up dying in debt? When is enough enough? When am I going to get a break?

It's frustrating as heck, but I know it will all be okay. All I can do is look up, look in, shake my head and smile. This is my unspoken prayer and way of throwing up my hands in surrender to God. It has been our little joke for the past few weeks. And, as my mother-in-law said, even if I am in debt forever, that is a good thing. It means I am still alive.

As I walked to my car after leaving Dr. Douglas' office, I was so frustrated, I just wanted to punch something. But, my wrist hurts too bad to punch something. Even if I my wrist felt fine and my doctor released me to do so, I cannot afford to start taking Krav Maga again. Great stress relief, great workout, but my body will not cooperate and my wallet will not allow it. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!

When I got into the car, I put on Bon Jovi's new CD, What About Now, hoping the new music would lift up my mood. The song that came on was extremely appropriate. I listened to it several times.

The Fighter

 These eyes hold no secrets I hide no truths...

 I’m that book that ain’t finished, a sink full of dishes, 

The horse that ain’t winning, the priest that’s still sinning 

The spark that starts the fire

 
I am the fighter, though not a boxer by trade 

I am the fighter, few will remember my name
 

With loneliness next to me, fear sits in misery, nursing another black eye...

I am the fighter, though not a boxer by trade 

I am the fighter, the fighter that’s born but not made

 lyric video from youtube: )

I am a fighter. With the grace of God, I can keep trudging along. Bring on the MRI and whatever other stumbling blocks await me in my path. Each one will only make me stronger. 

Making Memories with Jon Bon Jovi

I used to say that I have only screamed once and that was when I was thirteen at my first Bon Jovi concert on January 27, 1989. I can no longer make that claim.

When my mom was here for Thanksgiving, taking care of me after my last treatment, tickets for the Bon Jovi show in Nashville went on sale - for fan club seating anyway. I did not have the money and asked my mom if I could borrow it and I would pay her back when I got my tax refund. She let me use her credit card. For Christmas, my gift was the concert. I did not have to pay her back. Second best gift ever - next to my Bailey girl!!!

The thing about VIP fan club seats is that you know you will get good seats, but you have no idea exactly where the seat is until you get there.

A few days before the concert, I received an email telling me when and where to pick up my ticket the day of the show and about the extras I would get that I didn't realize I would get. VIP lanyard, VIP pre-show party, VIP lounge, memorabilia display, and buffet -  and a photo, tour guide, and some other gift. Believe it or not, I have not looked at the contents of my gift bag yet! WOW! Now, I knew this did not include getting to meet the band, but still pretty awesome!

I was nervous about going to the pre-party because I was by myself and did not know anyone else. However, I could not sit still at home so I left and ended up being one of the first people there. After getting my ticket and purchasing my t-shirt (first in line), they escorted us to the VIP lounge.

Sign just as we got off the elevator.

Sign leading into VIP lounge.

VIP lounge.

Buffet. Great food!

Bon Jovi music playing.

I want one of these!

Jacket Jon wore during These Days.

Left to right - New Jersey (album) jacket, 100,000,000 Fans Can't Be Wrong suit , USSR military hat/jacket worn during the Moscow Music Peace Festival. 

Slippery When Wet Jacket.

Marine jacket - both of Jon's parents were marines. Said he likes the military cut. His wardrobe person makes jackets he finds suitable for the stage. 

Don't remember exactly when this one was worn, but Jon wears black leather a lot and looks darn good in it!

Bed of Roses video. 

I should have known better than to worry about not knowing anyone. We all had at least one thing in common. We all LOVE Bon Jovi. We all paid a great deal more than regular concert goers in order to have this VIP fan club experience.

I sat at a table with a few others who love Bon Jovi and who did not take advantage of the free beer and wine or paid cocktails (the bartender actually chuckled when I asked for a cranberry juice with nothing else in it except ice). We shared our common Bon Jovi stories and admiration for the man and the band.

After a while, we started comparing tickets to see where we were going to be sitting. We all happened to be sitting on the same row and the couple at the table were actually sitting right next to me!

When I left the VIP lounge, I went to the restroom to take off my sweatshirt and put on my Bon Jovi t-shirt. As I was maneuvering in this tiny stall, my lanyard fell in the toilet. I could not believe it. What's the deal with me dropping things in the toilet? I think it must be nerves. I dropped my phone in the toilet just before the Titans/Texans game and my lanyard just before the Bon Jovi concert. Luckily, most if it is plastic. I simply pulled it out, dried it off with toilet paper, and put it back around my neck. (Don't worry, I washed my hands afterward!)

Then, I made my way to my seat. Before entering the floor level, I ran into another group of female fans who asked me to take their picture. They saw my lanyard and had all kinds of questions for me. They were so jealous even though I assured them that I did not get to actually meet the band. After I found my seat, I saw the same ladies walk by. They were jealous again because of my amazing seats.

Amazing they were indeed! I was smack dab in the front middle. There was the main stage, pit for VIP fans who paid even more than I did, the second stage, and me! Directly below me I could see the monitors and a mike stand. I knew immediately that I was going to be front and center within reaching distance of my childhood hero. I became as excited - no - more excited than a child on Christmas morning.

My seat. Main stage, small pit, second stage, me!

That's the second stage, where Jon and Richie would soon be standing!

The sea of less fortunate fans behind me! I saw several  BJ shows from those nose bleed sections. 

This was me looking straight down at Jon's monitor!

Jon's mic stand right in front of me!

The lights and sound right above me. I put a lot of faith in the riggers last night!

I had been that close to Jon one other time in my life, backstage during the 2007 CMT Video Music Awards at Belmont. I could not act like a fan then and did my best to simply stare out of the corner of my eye. This time, there was no one to tell me how to act or to judge me. I had full rein to act like the fan that I truly am.

The one BIG disappointment I have is that I never made a sign or special shirt like I joked about doing back in November "Bon Jovi music helped me kick cancer's ass!" Jon would have been close enough to read even the smallest sign and I may have actually gotten to shake his hand had I had a sign. God even whispered in my ear before I left the house to bring a pen. I thought that was a silly idea. Why would I need a pen? Not like I'm going to meet the band! Should have listened to that voice!!!

Oh well, I still had the most amazing evening. I am still on cloud 9 and probably will be for a very long time.

When the concert finally started and the band came out onto the stage, I could not believe how close they were. I could see the expressions on their faces and make out every detail about them - even of Tico and David behind their instruments! Best seats I have ever had - for the time being anyway!

Last concert I went to, I spent so much time taking pictures that I never made any real memories. This concert was going to be different. I was going to truly live in the moment and take it all in. Not only did I have the best seats ever, but I was fortunate enough to still be around to see them again. All the stress I have been under lately seemed to melt away. In that moment, I was happier than I have been - well - in several years. It has been a very long, hard almost three years. The realization of what I have been through during those years, especially this past year hit me at this moment. I'm alive! I made it through all of that! I'm here to enjoy my childhood (and adult) hero!

I imagined what that 10 year old girl would think if she were standing in my place. In a way she was. I felt myself getting choked up. I have never cried at a Bon Jovi concert. I would make fun of any fan who cried. No one here would understand what was going on inside of me and that I wasn't simply some silly little fan. So, I fought back those tears and let myself enjoy every moment.

I got side tracked for a little bit, trying to find anyone with a pen. Either no one had one or no one cared enough to take their eyes off Jon long enough to look for me. I decided if it was God's will to give me a second chance with the pen issue, He would provide. I put it out of my mind and focused back on the show.

One of the first songs they sang was "Raise Your Hands." I, like I usually do, stood silently and watched in awe. That did not last long, though. Jon was telling the audience to get their hands up. He looked right at me and pointed. At this time, I could not tell if he was really looking at me or in my direction, but I knew that I was close enough for him to see me as clearly as I saw him, especially when the lights shined on us, the fans.

I at first put my hands up because I didn't want him thinking I was not enjoying myself. Then, I quickly found myself forgetting about looking silly and totally got into it. I raised my hands, clapped, cheered, and sang along to almost every song (except for some of the new ones that I have not heard yet)! I was having the time of my life!

The iphone camera is not the greatest, but I wanted to get a few shots to see just how close I was. A woman sitting next to me was taking a lot of photos with a real camera. She promised to email me copies. I told her I would give her my email address after the show, but she left before it was over. Too bad. I think she got a really great shot of me with Jon!

About half way through the show, things started happening around me. They started roping off an area between the main stage and second stage. A tech was working close to me, getting the microphone stand and other equipment ready. Another man knelt just to the right of me holding Jon's guitar. Those of us on that first row started getting giddy.

Jon stood on the second stage DIRECTLY in front of me. If he would have reached out his hand and if I would have reached out mine (which I did many times while he was on this part of the stage), I could have touched him. I could see every line of his face and even see the callouses on his fingertips. I screamed like a little girl! 

He had a mug with water sitting next to his feet. At one point, he knelt down to take a drink. I reached out hoping he would reach back. He did not. But, he looked right at me and smiled. My heart completely melted. I could not believe my good fortune. I may have missed my opportunity with the sign, but how great is God? A seat directly in front of Jon and a smile? How much better could it possibly get?

Richie joined him to sing "I'll Be There for You." This was my favorite song from the time it came out until the release of "Love's the Only Rule." Richie looked at me, too! I felt myself get choked up again. This was so unbelievable. Words cannot even come close to explain how I felt. There is nothing and no one in this life who has ever gotten me more pumped up and excited. What a moment!

Lyrics to Because We Can on Jon's monitor as he sang RIGHT in front of me on stage two!

Too bad this one turned out blurry. He is smiling at me for the second time. He had just nearly tripped over a light. He made a silly face, smiled, and laughed!

Oh how I wish I had a picture of him smiling at me that first time. But, I would rather have lived it and have that memory etched in my brain than to have missed it because I was looking at him through a camera.

As the tech cleaned up after Jon's and Richie's time on the second stage, he picked up a few picks they had dropped while performing and handed them straight to me. I had noticed Jon's picks were black so I assumed correctly that they belonged to Richie. This morning, I looked at the pick and noticed Richie's signature on the back. He may not have handed the pick to me directly, but I still got a pick that had been used by him!!! Since I was given two picks, I gave one to the couple I met during dinner. He could not believe I would give him a pick and kept asking me if I was sure. (Tori, this was my random act of kindness! Sharing the love!)

Back on the main stage, he sang "Want to Make a Memory." I got lost in the lyrics, realizing that we were all making memories. I wanted to cry several times during the night as they sang certain songs such as "Someday I'll Be Saturday Night," "It's My Life," "Have a Nice Day," and "Always," songs that took on a new meaning for me during treatment. Christian radio was a huge part of recovery, healing, and coping throughout treatment, but during those really rough days, when it felt like all hope was lost and I was ready to give up, Bon Jovi music carried me through.

Since I have been a fan for almost 27 years, I have so many memories attached to a lot of songs. So many of the songs would carry me away to a memory of happier days in the past or remind me of obstacles and heartaches overcome that seemed crushing at the time, but which I have long since forgotten, reminding me that this pain, the physical and emotional pain associated with the cancer will one day, like so many other issues of the past, simply be another memory. Some songs took on brand new meanings and some even became like prayers. I will not rehash all that here since I have already written a blog about it. 

Then, during one of three encores, Jon sang "Always." Since this is one of the songs that took on new meaning for me, a promise from God that He will always love me, I stared in silent awe as he sang. During a few lines, Jon stared right back at me and sang to me. It was as if he could sense what was going on inside of me. It was such a sweet, special moment for me, a memory I will carry for the rest of my life. 

As I watched him sing those few lines to me, I thanked God - for giving me this moment, for giving me these songs, for letting me know that it was okay that I was so giddy, that I wasn't doing anything wrong by being so happy in this moment. I thanked Him again and again the rest of the night and still today. 

Even though he did not see me, I blew Jon a few kisses and held my hand to my heart. I thanked him for his faithfulness in using the gifts God gave him. Because of his faithfulness, I, and countless others, have been blessed. It gave me new encouragement to work through the fear of failure and incompetence and start writing again. God used this moment to teach me another lessons about His love and the work we can do for others through Him whether we are aware of what we are doing or not. 

They kept on playing when most bands would have stopped. They gave fans like me more than we could have ever asked or hoped for. One thing that really struck me is how so many Bon Jovi fans are more than just fans. The audience sang every word to every song, not just the major hits. The band stopped singing on several occasions and the audience kept right on going. Even with songs that are brand new or never released as singles or not their staples, people sang - every word - at the top of their lungs. It was amazing! I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like for them, the ones who wrote, recorded, and performed all these songs to hear and know how much they and their music are loved. 

I just wish there was some way I could let them know just how much their music has meant to me my entire life - while an awkward child with low self-esteem, as a new teenager coping with the divorce of my parents, in college and as a young adult trying to find my own way, while going through my own divorce, while fighting for my life, and now, while trying to find the courage to chase after my own dreams.  

To the men of Bon Jovi,

for three hours of your time last night...

for 30 years and counting of music...

for a lifetime of encouragement...

Thank You!

Fan photo from last night - not the final encore, though! They came back to give us more!

From the Ground Up

Today I met with my gynecologist to try to figure out what the heck is going on with me. I have started warming up to the idea of thyroid or early menopause. At least I would have an explanation for what has been going on lately. If there is no medical explanation, I will need to start looking inward.

I have been under a great deal of stress lately, both at work and in my personal life. Not knowing what is going on with me has been one of my stressors. If I cannot take a pill to regulate what is going on inside of me, I am resigned to the fact that I may need to return once again to therapy. I have seen a counselor several times in my life. I think there is a ton of value in talking about life issues with someone who is not invested in the decisions I ultimately make - a neutral third party who genuinely wants to help me come to the best resolution for myself with no hidden agendas.

I know what's bothering me. The question is - is the mood effecting my life or is my life effecting my mood? Either way, something has got to give. I am at one of those many crossroads we come upon during our lifetime and I feel like I am drowning, suffocating. I wake up in a bad mood and nothing I do, no thoughts of the Bon Jovi concert on Wednesday, no amount of prayers has been able to lift my mood.

For some reason, Sundays have been the worst. Sundays used to be my favorite days. Now, I wake up bitter. I go to church and feel revived for a few hours. Then, I come home and am moody once again. I have my suspicions of why, but again, is the mood effecting my life or is my life effecting my mood?

Today, the gynecologist did some blood work to help me find out. Unfortunately, the results may not be in for a week.

I took the afternoon off because I had no idea how long the doctor visit would take. Sometimes, afternoon visits take a long time, doctors get backed up, tests take time. Today, I arrived early and was seen early. I was out before my actual appointment time!

Instead of going back to work, I decided to go to a movie alone, try to take my mind off of everything and de-stress. It worked, for a brief time anyway. A phone call from work almost got me riled again, but I took a deep breath and decided to come upstairs and work on my broken pitcher. (Mended)

The exercise started stressing me out, making me feel more intense. I could not make the pieces fit together. I kept thinking about all the things going wrong lately and how I react to them. Paul's words about how the mind is willing, but the body is weak came to mind. I want to love like Jesus, but I am overcome with bitterness and anger and resentment. I am upset that I was doing so well with not drinking cokes and eating a bit better, but still gaining weight. Instead, I spent last Tuesday in bed feeling sorry for myself instead of working out. I bought a gallon of Blue Bell Rocky Road (fitting) and ate the whole thing in three days! I got a coupon for a free drink at the movies and got a coke. I am behaving in the extreme opposite way I should be. Why, Lord? Why?

As I struggled trying to force the pieces together, I prayed that God would let me find at least two pieces that matched. He gave me two little pieces. I glued them together, held the just glued pieces in one hand and tried to find another match with the other. My glued pieces came undone.

"Slow down," God whispered to my soul. I took a deep breath and used both hands to hold the pieces back in place. As I sat still, God whispered, "Start with the base. Start from the ground up." I found another piece.

I know in my soul that no matter what the test results may be, there are still issues in my life I must face. Some I may not be able to do anything about right now. Others, I may simply have to face my fear and tackle them. I will not move without Him, though, without knowing whose voice is encouraging me to move.

But, I must start with my foundation and build up from there. Most of my problems began after I started working out. Before I worked out, I spent the morning in prayer, a time of quiet contemplation. My morning time, my silence, was shortened dramatically when I replaced the early morning vigil with early morning calisthenics. Morning is the best time for me to work out and I do not believe God wants me to quit. I simply need to make God my priority...not just before bed when I am too tired to focus and not earlier in the morning when I am too tired to listen.

As I walked the stairs of the gym this morning, I realized that I make time to work out whether I want to or not. I go to work every day whether I want to or not. I WANT to spend time with God, but I don't make the time. Why?

Maybe it's like one person told me: I try too hard to be perfect.

Maybe it's like another said: I just need to start drinking.

Maybe the answer is much simpler than that. Maybe I just need Him. I have the foundation. Maybe I just need to work my way up!