I have been under a great deal of stress lately, both at work and in my personal life. Not knowing what is going on with me has been one of my stressors. If I cannot take a pill to regulate what is going on inside of me, I am resigned to the fact that I may need to return once again to therapy. I have seen a counselor several times in my life. I think there is a ton of value in talking about life issues with someone who is not invested in the decisions I ultimately make - a neutral third party who genuinely wants to help me come to the best resolution for myself with no hidden agendas.
I know what's bothering me. The question is - is the mood effecting my life or is my life effecting my mood? Either way, something has got to give. I am at one of those many crossroads we come upon during our lifetime and I feel like I am drowning, suffocating. I wake up in a bad mood and nothing I do, no thoughts of the Bon Jovi concert on Wednesday, no amount of prayers has been able to lift my mood.
For some reason, Sundays have been the worst. Sundays used to be my favorite days. Now, I wake up bitter. I go to church and feel revived for a few hours. Then, I come home and am moody once again. I have my suspicions of why, but again, is the mood effecting my life or is my life effecting my mood?
Today, the gynecologist did some blood work to help me find out. Unfortunately, the results may not be in for a week.
I took the afternoon off because I had no idea how long the doctor visit would take. Sometimes, afternoon visits take a long time, doctors get backed up, tests take time. Today, I arrived early and was seen early. I was out before my actual appointment time!
Instead of going back to work, I decided to go to a movie alone, try to take my mind off of everything and de-stress. It worked, for a brief time anyway. A phone call from work almost got me riled again, but I took a deep breath and decided to come upstairs and work on my broken pitcher. (Mended)
The exercise started stressing me out, making me feel more intense. I could not make the pieces fit together. I kept thinking about all the things going wrong lately and how I react to them. Paul's words about how the mind is willing, but the body is weak came to mind. I want to love like Jesus, but I am overcome with bitterness and anger and resentment. I am upset that I was doing so well with not drinking cokes and eating a bit better, but still gaining weight. Instead, I spent last Tuesday in bed feeling sorry for myself instead of working out. I bought a gallon of Blue Bell Rocky Road (fitting) and ate the whole thing in three days! I got a coupon for a free drink at the movies and got a coke. I am behaving in the extreme opposite way I should be. Why, Lord? Why?
As I struggled trying to force the pieces together, I prayed that God would let me find at least two pieces that matched. He gave me two little pieces. I glued them together, held the just glued pieces in one hand and tried to find another match with the other. My glued pieces came undone.
"Slow down," God whispered to my soul. I took a deep breath and used both hands to hold the pieces back in place. As I sat still, God whispered, "Start with the base. Start from the ground up." I found another piece.
I know in my soul that no matter what the test results may be, there are still issues in my life I must face. Some I may not be able to do anything about right now. Others, I may simply have to face my fear and tackle them. I will not move without Him, though, without knowing whose voice is encouraging me to move.
But, I must start with my foundation and build up from there. Most of my problems began after I started working out. Before I worked out, I spent the morning in prayer, a time of quiet contemplation. My morning time, my silence, was shortened dramatically when I replaced the early morning vigil with early morning calisthenics. Morning is the best time for me to work out and I do not believe God wants me to quit. I simply need to make God my priority...not just before bed when I am too tired to focus and not earlier in the morning when I am too tired to listen.
As I walked the stairs of the gym this morning, I realized that I make time to work out whether I want to or not. I go to work every day whether I want to or not. I WANT to spend time with God, but I don't make the time. Why?
Maybe it's like one person told me: I try too hard to be perfect.
Maybe it's like another said: I just need to start drinking.
Maybe the answer is much simpler than that. Maybe I just need Him. I have the foundation. Maybe I just need to work my way up!
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