Three Month Checkup

This morning I had a CT scan followed by a doctor's appointment. I have been so absorbed in work and working out and becoming once again absorbed into a life which does not include chemotherapy that I forgot how stressful the whole situation can be. I found myself sinking into that same sullen, withdrawn emotion I would experience the morning of treatments. I had no real reason to think anything would be wrong other than the fact that I have been tired a lot lately, not the same kind of tired as I was before I was diagnosed, but tired nonetheless. After all, I have been under a lot of stress at work, been working out hard, and gave up cokes for lent, any of which could cause me to feel a little sluggish. But, I had no way of knowing what those test results would be and until I knew for sure, I kept that lingering doubt. I have heard of cancer coming back too many times.

Then again, I was recently asked by the youth minister at church to help with their youth program. I really felt like this is something God wants me to do. After hearing Him say "wait" for so long, I really feel like I am hearing Him start to lead me to act. He is also giving me the desire to write again and the story ideas. My characters are coming to life. Why would God start this work in me only to allow me to fight cancer once again? God's ways are not my ways. I cannot possibly know His reasons. Anything is possible and until I knew for sure, the doubts would continue to linger.

If I ever start to believe that cancer and treatment was no big deal, all I have to do is face the possibility of having to actually go through it again and go see my doctor. As soon as I got off the elevator on his floor, the smell of saline hit my nostrils and instantly made me feel nauseated and light headed. No way I can go through all that again! Thank God I was not going there to receive treatment!

While I waited, I got on my ipad and balanced my account. Then, I started reading. Anything to keep my mind off the nausea and the "what ifs."

Luckily, they did not keep me waiting. The techs weighed me and took my blood before sending me back to the doctor. Again, God took pity on me and my wait for the doctor was relatively short as well.

Good new: my CT scan and blood work look good! I'm still in remission! After that news, we discussed my side effects.

The hands are still swelling and stiffening at night. My right wrist is still a bit sore. The facial hair I had is not falling out. It is actually getting thicker and darker, mostly on the sides. My skin is extremely itchy all over. The worst part, though, is the fatigue and weight gain. I am working out hard and have given up cokes. I am doing everything right, but I am still gaining weight. It's not like muscle weight either. If that were the case, I would not care about a few extra pounds. But, if it was muscle, my body would be getting leaner and firmer. My clothes would be fitting better. I am not getting leaner or toner and my clothes are getting tighter.

I overheard the doctor tell another patient how chemo dries out the body. This is most likely the cause of the hand pain and dry skin. This should get better in time. The others could be one  of or a combination of three things:

Either my body is simply readjusting after chemo, in which case it will all regulate itself in time,
chemo threw me into early menopause, or chemo caused me to develop a thyroid problem.

After I met with the doctor, I got my port flushed out. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to walk into the treatment room and NOT have to receive treatment.

I left the office a bit bummed and tried to talk myself out of it. At least the cancer hasn't come back. After talking to my mom, I felt much better about things. My doctor didn't discuss the what ifs. He ordered a test, but knows my OBGYN will discuss the issue with me next Monday when I meet with her. My mom told me how the thyroid works and how easily it can be treated. Now I just need to wait.

Anyway, I purposely left the facial hair until both my oncologist and gynecologist could see it so they will know what I'm talking about. After next Monday, I plan to schedule an appointment for a wax ASAP!

Hair growing fast, but so are my cheeks!!!

 When I had no hair, people often mistook me for a man. Now that I have facial hair, people no longer mistake me for a man. Strange!