Written Aug 10, 2012 2:46pm by Renee Albracht
A few nights ago, I finished One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. If anyone knows of any other uplifting books like that, let me know. I loved that book and hated to finish. Her words slowed and inspired my spirit.
Anyway, all her talk of keeping a journal of thanks made me think about keeping one. After putting her book down, I pulled an old prayer journal I keep in my satchel, but haven't used in quite some time. As I pulled it out, I noticed the first entry was dated 6/9/10. It was a list of things I was thankful for. I had forgotten that I had once done this.
June 9, 2010, just one month before my life fell apart and I found out my soul mate had cheated on me. I didn't read any of the other entries. The memories are still too painful.
One of the first things I gave thanks for on June 9, 2010 was for the coughing getting better. I chuckled to myself. The cough...which two years later we find out is cancer related, started at that time.
I found a clean page, reflected on the day, and started giving thanks. By the time I put it down, I felt very peaceful and fell asleep. Ann said the journal changed her. I decided to keep a thanks journal hoping it would change me, too. Sometimes it is hard to think thanks, but it is easier to write it down. Writing focuses my attention.
The next day, I kept the journal with me. Thanks for the sound or rain...thank you for this yummy brownie...for a mother and daughter walking their dogs...for the sound of Mike and Morgan studying together in the other room...for Carla bringing me that care package with all that delicious food! She is the one who gave me that wonderful book by Ann Voskamp. What a wonderful woman! Huge heart!
As I lay in bed writing my prayers and thinking more thanks, I realized just how much love surrounds me. A heart made of ironing crayon bits between wax paper given to me by Ryan...bracelets made for me by Tyler...a teddy bear Tori's clan gave me when I was in the hospital...the bunny Mike gave me for Easter last year...the picture of sisters my sister gave me and how she described how the one was me because she had a cross necklace...the picture of the woman at the feet of Jesus that I got when I went on the retreat with my mom...the memory of her washing my feet and how we bonded...all the pictures of the boys, especially the silly one of them in the big sunglasses...the cross my dad gave me...I am thankful for them all. It made me think: on days when I am too sick to get out of bed, all I need to do is look around that room and remember just how much I am loved. Again, such a great peace swept over me and I fell right to sleep.
This morning, I went to the hospital to get a CT scan. At first, it was a bit disconcerting because I was walking into the lobby of the same hospital where I was when I found out I had cancer. I was in the same lobby where my mom and I walked when I wanted to get out of the room.
Instead of getting down, I thanked God that I was two months removed from that moment and that much closer to the end of this entire ordeal.
Before my appointment, I had to drink two big bottles of contrast. I had bad memories of that nasty stuff I had to drink the first night in the hospital in preparation for the colonoscope. Luckily, it didn't taste near as bad or have the awful effects. It was more like drinking chalky milk with a very slight berry taste.
I thought that since I had to drink that stuff, they would not give me the IV contrast. I was wrong. I asked the lady what it was all for. She said the drink was to coat my stomach and intestines. The IV coated my veins. I don't like that injection. It didn't hurt, but the smells get to me. After the scan, they cleaned my port with saline just like they do during chemo. That smell, too, makes me sick. But, it's more psychological. Afterwards, I told myself to be grateful I won't stay sick. Some fresh air and food and I'd be good as new!
Came in to work afterwards. Since I would only be working about a half day and since I would be working in the office, I came in street clothes...no uniform...wearing a cap and no wig. I wondered what the guys would think and/or say. Nothing! They treated me and talked to me as if nothing was different. Cool guys!
I got a lot more done than I planned to do this week. I had a lot I needed to get done and was so afraid I wouldn't get to it all. Not only did I get to it all, I got ahead! This is great! I have some major, law required projects coming up that will soon need my full attention. Getting ahead will help with that!
Great week! Get a massage tomorrow and plan to do little else, maybe enjoy a good book! Looking forward to my sister coming to spend the week with me...even though I am not looking forward to chemo on Monday...at least it won't be as lonely!
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