Written Aug 4, 2012 10:48pm by Renee Albracht
After spending three days in bed, I can no longer sleep. My roommate and friend, Mike, is out of town and I am here alone with two dogs. Brad spent the day with me, helped me get some groceries and kept me company, but now, it is silent and the loneliness is a bit...I don't want to say overwhelming because it's not...it simply is...
I was surprised by a good and productive day on Tuesday. I suppose that's what made Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday so difficult. My sister reminded me that the third day always seems to be worse, but that didn't help when day four and five were much the same.
It's not that I was nauseated or in any other sort of pain (with the exception of the swollen eye). I simply had zero energy. I woke up long enough to eat. That even took some doing. I would lay here for hours thinking how I needed to eat, but I didn't have the energy to get up! When I finally got up, I ate then sat on the couch for a very brief period before returning to bed. I slept and slept and slept.
By Thursday afternoon, I hit that depression once again. I did not want to be in bed. I wanted to be productive in some way. And, to make matters worse, there was no food in the house...at least, none of the staples...and I had no energy to cook an actual meal. Mike had been planning to go to the grocery store, but never made it. He was tired by the time he got home and had too much else on his mind trying to get his daughter enrolled in school (school started on Thursday for her). Brad had my car since he was taking care of Bailey for me and even if I had a car, I was in no position to drive. In hindsight, I could have called him or another friend and asked them to get me some things, but my brain could think of nothing other than being annoyed that I could not take care of myself at that moment...and being so gosh darn sleepy. So, I managed with dry Cheerios and went back to bed. Dry Cheerios were good enough since I didn't have much of an appetite and practically no taste buds.
But, the fact that I was so helpless really grated on my nerves. Everything started getting to me and it only got worse. Sleep was now a welcomed reprieve. I slept all Friday and even when I was awake, I stayed in bed. Why bother getting out of bed?
I finally got out of bed late Saturday morning. I got something to eat (Mike did get some groceries Thursday night) and cleaned the kitchen. I even took a shower and changed clothes for the first time since Tuesday. Man, when I had hair, I would never wait that long to bathe, no matter how bad I felt. But without greasy hair or hairy legs to remind me that I was dirty, I rarely thought about it and when I did, I didn't care!
Since Mike was out of town, Brad and I decided to hang out today. We got something to eat and then went to get groceries. I was glad to have his help because this was the first real meal I have eaten all week and it didn't sit well. Then, after the grocery store, I started to feel anxious. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I'm not sure why. I suppose, even though there wasn't a crowd, being around that many people after spending so much time alone in bed was too much. I was anxious to get home again.
All we did for the rest of the day/evening was watch television, but it sure was nice to have someone there. Ever since I got sick and MIke's daughter moved in, Mike and I have not been able to hang out and talk the way we used to. It was nice to be able to talk to Brad.
I told him about this depression. When I get like this, I long to go home (heaven). I don't understand what purpose God has for me when all I do is waste my time in bed. I don't see the good in the world and living seems awfully futile. However, when I am having good days and feel normal again, my prayer life if amazing and I feel great and I'm ready to go down any road God has planned for me. I even think I He has some greater purpose planned for me.
I know my moods are cyclical. That is why I don't pray for any particular outcome for myself besides God's will be done. I'm not foolish enough to pray based on pure emotion. What I want changes from week to week depending on how I'm feeling.
I debated writing this because I don't want any of you to worry about me or to think I'm suicidal. I am not. My life is in God's hands. I would never risk eternal separation from HIm because of one or two bad days. I know perfectly well that life has ups and downs and that I will have ups again.
I wrote this because this is the truth of what I am experiencing and writing is therapeutic for me. Next week, I'll feel great again. The week after that, I'll probably be depressed again. I have six more weeks of feeling bad. That's not such a long time. After that, I hope the cancer will be gone for good and I will not as easily be able to predict my moods.
Tonight is a little harder, though. Tomorrow is a big day at church--an all church photo and picnic. I will be missing that because of my pink eye. It does not seem to be getting any better.
This week is our annual Galveston trip with my mom. I should be in a hotel in Texarkana right now, driving into Galveston tomorrow. I will not be there this week. I love the beach and spending time with my family.
Having Brad here was nice. He is comfortable and easy to talk to. (For those of you curious, there is no rekindling of love going on. We both know we have our own demons to battle and have no interest in going back where we were. Besides, I for one view myself as an asexual being right now. I cannot see anything beyond my sickness. I cannot imagine a romantic relationship with anyone!) When he left, though, I felt very lonely. I do miss having someone close.
On a plus side, Titans tickets went on sale Friday. I had been saving up for that. This year, I am going to go to a Titans/Texans game on Dec. 2 and not just think it would be cool to go! Tickets were as cheap as $49.00 by the time I remembered to go online. However, if I was going to go to a game, I didn't want to spend it watching the big screen. I sat at the computer for a good amount of time debating whether or not to get the cheap seats or pay more and actually be able to watch the game on the field. I am a very cheap person, but elected to have some fun for a change. It would be a good way to celebrate the end of chemo. So, I bought better seats.
When I was a kid, watching football with my dad was a Sunday ritual. We had so much fun together. I asked him to go. Hopefully, he will be able to come into town and share this experience with me. And, hopefully, the seats are good enough so that we can watch the players on the field and not on the screen!
Welp, tomorrow I intend to clean the restroom and do some laundry. When I start feeling better, I like to clean the "sick" off of everything. It's good to be clean for my health, but there is also a psychological element to it as well. Hopefully, I will have enough energy to get it done. Think I will get some goggles first. I got a mask to protect my lungs from the cleaners. Think I need to protect my eye as well.
For those of you who want to know how to pray for me, please pray:
1) that my eye gets better very soon. I cannot go back to work until it does and I cannot stay isolated in this house much longer.
2) that the CT scan on Friday August 10 will show that the chemo is working and I am getting better
3) to give Dr. Meluch and his staff the wisdom to know how to best treat me from here on forward
4) to give me strength to endure
5) that I will recuperate quickly from the next treatment on August 13 and to feel His presence even on the worst days
6) that God's will be done and that I find peace in His
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