Written Jul 9, 2012 8:01am by Renee Albracht
Well, I'm at work today, but would rather be in bed with the covers over my head. My stomach hurts and my knees ache and I am a bit cranky. The thing is, I can't just have a bad day. Everything is associated with this cancer.
My stomach hurts. Is it because I ate too much yesterday, ate the wrong things, or because the chemo makes me constipated?
My knees ache. Is it because of the shot for my white blood cells or is it because of lack of use or the weather or simply me being tired?
I am cranky. Is it because my stomach hurts, my knees hurt, and I had to get up a few hours earlier than I did last week or is it because I am tired of this cancer hanging over my head constantly and being the focus of any conversation I have with just about everybody.
The crankiness has more to do with the latter explanation.
Don't get me wrong. I love and greatly appreciate all the texts, emails, cards, notes, phone calls, conversations of support. They and the people who send/do these things mean the world to me. I love hearing from people I haven't heard from since I was in high school. I love having very important people at work and my church community take the time to let me know they care and are thinking/praying about me. I love how cancer has refocused my thinking and reprioratized me life. It's just that I would like to go one day...just one day...when I don't have to think about it, feel the effects of it, and have a conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with it. Will that even be possible?
On the positive side, despite my belly aching this morning, I do have to thank God for this cancer. I was asked if I blamed God. No. I may get angry with Him from time to time, but I don't blame Him.
In the prologue of my book, Child Eyes, I say that I think we, and the sin in us, are responsible for all the suffering in the world, even disease. Had Eve and Adam obeyed God and not eaten that apple, we would be living in paradise right now, free from sin and sickness and death. We chose sin and now we must suffer the consequences of our free will choice.
However, thank God He did not leave us like that. He can still use our sin and suffering to save us and to mold us. As a friend reminded me yesterday, we are merely clay and God is the potter. We need to let Him mold us.
So, the reason I thank God for cancer: last night I was talking to my ex-husband about this and telling him about my prayer time earlier that night. I had a vision of me just over two years ago walking home after work in the alley behind my office. I remember being so content with life, with my job and my marriage and everything else. I remember thinking that if this was as good as my life ever got, that would be okay with me. Sure, I had dreams of moving back to Texas and being able to write for a living, but I no longer cared whether that ever happened or not. I thought I had reached utopia for myself.
Yet, at the same time, I prayed for God to change me, to make me the kind of person I wanted to be, like one of the people at church I so greatly admire. (At church yesterday, it occurred to me that although God was moving and changing me, there was still something I didn't get yet.)
Here's the problem. We can't grow and change if we are content with where we are. What would motivate us to make that change?
I got divorced. My self confidence shot through the roof in the process of moving on and renovating that green house and as I began to accomplish things on my own.
I got cancer and all the sudden, I viewed everything differently. Nothing is the same. Hodgkins may be a very curable cancer, but it still makes me think about my mortality. Even though I often talk about not fearing death and being ready to go home (to my eternal home), I still think if the time God has given me has been worth it. Have I used the gifts He has given me? Have I lived a life worthy of heaven? Or have I simply squandered my time?
If I was completely honest with myself, I would say that I have been too lazy to live up to my full potential. God gave me a gift for the written word and I would love to be able to make a living writing, but I make no real efforts to do so. I want to move back to Texas some day (sooner rather than later), but I make no plans to do so. Each day slips by and all I have really accomplished is checking off another day on the calendar. There is always an excuse for why something didn't get done, but that's all they are...excuses.
I got cancer. Now my priorities have changed. I have a wonderful job and work with amazing people, but I no longer love it. I think about my grandma in San Antonio. I tell myself that I want to spend more time with her, but she is not getting any younger. Same is true with my grandma and grandpa in Nebraska. I see them even less!
I miss all the family get togethers--both in Nebraska and Texas. I am no longer an active part of the family. A day will come when my aunts and uncles will get older and stop meeting as often. Will the cousins carry on the tradition? Not unless one of us makes the effort to keep us together. Will I miss out because I never came home? If I lived in Texas, I could be there for those functions. I would also be able to go to Nebraska more often because I wouldn't be saving up my money to make trips home to Texas.
Family has become much more important than my job. I have begun to make plans and have even told my boss about them. If I have my way, I will move back to Texas in two years or less. A lot depends on my health, financial situation, job market, economy, and insurance.
I pulled out my books and will start re-editing them so that I can republish them. My website is all ready to go online once the books are published. I will do it myself so that I do not have to change my style. I had already decided that. Now it's time to act.
I have always said that one day I wanted to adopt kids. However, I never really wanted the responsibility of raising kids. Now, though, I do. I want to be a parent. I want to give love to children who need it the most. I am ready. I know this will be a while yet. I must first get my health under control. Then, there's the money aspect, but for the first time in my life, I am ready to make that commitment.
Before cancer, I wasn't very good at the loving thing, giving myself to others and accepting love in return. Cancer has changed this. God is changing me. The last two years have been bad. I have gone through things I never would have chosen to go through. But, I needed it all to bring me to a place where I was willing and wanting change. Through cancer, God is answering my prayers from years ago. I believe this.
Now, for all I know, God could be up there laughing at my plans. He may move me to Zimbabwe in two years. That's not really the point. These are just details. The point is that, like Job, I firmly believe He will not only restore me, but give me greater blessings than before. I prayed for God to change me and I am finally ready to change. I feel like I'm finally growing up!
So, I may have had a bad night and I may still be having a bad day today, but I know God can handle my grumbling and in the end, whether He takes me home or uses me for many years to come, I am finally ready to follow.
My stomach hurts. Is it because I ate too much yesterday, ate the wrong things, or because the chemo makes me constipated?
My knees ache. Is it because of the shot for my white blood cells or is it because of lack of use or the weather or simply me being tired?
I am cranky. Is it because my stomach hurts, my knees hurt, and I had to get up a few hours earlier than I did last week or is it because I am tired of this cancer hanging over my head constantly and being the focus of any conversation I have with just about everybody.
The crankiness has more to do with the latter explanation.
Don't get me wrong. I love and greatly appreciate all the texts, emails, cards, notes, phone calls, conversations of support. They and the people who send/do these things mean the world to me. I love hearing from people I haven't heard from since I was in high school. I love having very important people at work and my church community take the time to let me know they care and are thinking/praying about me. I love how cancer has refocused my thinking and reprioratized me life. It's just that I would like to go one day...just one day...when I don't have to think about it, feel the effects of it, and have a conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with it. Will that even be possible?
On the positive side, despite my belly aching this morning, I do have to thank God for this cancer. I was asked if I blamed God. No. I may get angry with Him from time to time, but I don't blame Him.
In the prologue of my book, Child Eyes, I say that I think we, and the sin in us, are responsible for all the suffering in the world, even disease. Had Eve and Adam obeyed God and not eaten that apple, we would be living in paradise right now, free from sin and sickness and death. We chose sin and now we must suffer the consequences of our free will choice.
However, thank God He did not leave us like that. He can still use our sin and suffering to save us and to mold us. As a friend reminded me yesterday, we are merely clay and God is the potter. We need to let Him mold us.
So, the reason I thank God for cancer: last night I was talking to my ex-husband about this and telling him about my prayer time earlier that night. I had a vision of me just over two years ago walking home after work in the alley behind my office. I remember being so content with life, with my job and my marriage and everything else. I remember thinking that if this was as good as my life ever got, that would be okay with me. Sure, I had dreams of moving back to Texas and being able to write for a living, but I no longer cared whether that ever happened or not. I thought I had reached utopia for myself.
Yet, at the same time, I prayed for God to change me, to make me the kind of person I wanted to be, like one of the people at church I so greatly admire. (At church yesterday, it occurred to me that although God was moving and changing me, there was still something I didn't get yet.)
Here's the problem. We can't grow and change if we are content with where we are. What would motivate us to make that change?
I got divorced. My self confidence shot through the roof in the process of moving on and renovating that green house and as I began to accomplish things on my own.
I got cancer and all the sudden, I viewed everything differently. Nothing is the same. Hodgkins may be a very curable cancer, but it still makes me think about my mortality. Even though I often talk about not fearing death and being ready to go home (to my eternal home), I still think if the time God has given me has been worth it. Have I used the gifts He has given me? Have I lived a life worthy of heaven? Or have I simply squandered my time?
If I was completely honest with myself, I would say that I have been too lazy to live up to my full potential. God gave me a gift for the written word and I would love to be able to make a living writing, but I make no real efforts to do so. I want to move back to Texas some day (sooner rather than later), but I make no plans to do so. Each day slips by and all I have really accomplished is checking off another day on the calendar. There is always an excuse for why something didn't get done, but that's all they are...excuses.
I got cancer. Now my priorities have changed. I have a wonderful job and work with amazing people, but I no longer love it. I think about my grandma in San Antonio. I tell myself that I want to spend more time with her, but she is not getting any younger. Same is true with my grandma and grandpa in Nebraska. I see them even less!
I miss all the family get togethers--both in Nebraska and Texas. I am no longer an active part of the family. A day will come when my aunts and uncles will get older and stop meeting as often. Will the cousins carry on the tradition? Not unless one of us makes the effort to keep us together. Will I miss out because I never came home? If I lived in Texas, I could be there for those functions. I would also be able to go to Nebraska more often because I wouldn't be saving up my money to make trips home to Texas.
Family has become much more important than my job. I have begun to make plans and have even told my boss about them. If I have my way, I will move back to Texas in two years or less. A lot depends on my health, financial situation, job market, economy, and insurance.
I pulled out my books and will start re-editing them so that I can republish them. My website is all ready to go online once the books are published. I will do it myself so that I do not have to change my style. I had already decided that. Now it's time to act.
I have always said that one day I wanted to adopt kids. However, I never really wanted the responsibility of raising kids. Now, though, I do. I want to be a parent. I want to give love to children who need it the most. I am ready. I know this will be a while yet. I must first get my health under control. Then, there's the money aspect, but for the first time in my life, I am ready to make that commitment.
Before cancer, I wasn't very good at the loving thing, giving myself to others and accepting love in return. Cancer has changed this. God is changing me. The last two years have been bad. I have gone through things I never would have chosen to go through. But, I needed it all to bring me to a place where I was willing and wanting change. Through cancer, God is answering my prayers from years ago. I believe this.
Now, for all I know, God could be up there laughing at my plans. He may move me to Zimbabwe in two years. That's not really the point. These are just details. The point is that, like Job, I firmly believe He will not only restore me, but give me greater blessings than before. I prayed for God to change me and I am finally ready to change. I feel like I'm finally growing up!
So, I may have had a bad night and I may still be having a bad day today, but I know God can handle my grumbling and in the end, whether He takes me home or uses me for many years to come, I am finally ready to follow.
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