Written Aug 20, 2012 9:21am by Renee Albracht
What a Lord's Day!
For the past three days or so, I have been in a tremendous amount of pain. The shot I get on the Tuesdays after my chemo makes my bones and joints hurt. Usually, it is tolerable discomfort. This time, it is extremely uncomfortable. The worst part has been my back and shoulder blades and down my right arm. I have never had arthritis, but that's the best way I know how to describe how my right hand feels, especially between my thumb and pointer finger. I cannot hold anything well in that hand. My stomach has also been hurting. It feels bloated, as if I have just eaten an entire cow!
The pain has kept me from sleeping well, but it has not kept me from getting out of the house. The way I looked at it, I could be in pain sitting around the house or I could be in pain doing something that means something to me. I'll take these aches and pains any day over the chemo brain and body!
So, I started with church. It was not comfortable sitting in a hard pew, but the message of both the sermon and Sunday school. We have been going over the articles of faith. This was the last one: the second coming. Bottom line, if Christ were to come back today, would you be ready?
The sermon got me thinking about fear. I remember completing a project for a class in middle school in which we had to cut out pictures to describe ourselves, our hobby, what we wanted to be when we grew up, our greatest fear. I cut out a picture of an old woman. My fear was growing old alone. My other fear was dying. I never feared death, just dying.
As I sat there listening to the sermon, I realized that I no longer had any fear. Going through cancer has forced me to open myself up and let people in. I realize now that no matter what happens, I will never be alone. And, after undergoing chemo, I no longer fear dying. Pain will fade and the hope of greater glory on the other side makes the pain bearable.
During Sunday School, we discussed the text about serving the Lord, Matthew 25:31-46 "...For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me..."
This verse got me to thinking about myself. Am I a sheep or a goat? All my life, I considered myself to be a sheep. But, now, I'm not so sure. Everything has been about me, even my faith and ministries. How does this serve me? Is it convenient for me? I never cared what others thought, but I did care what I thought about myself. How could God serve me? I never truly considered how I could serve Him!
A while back, I blogged about knowing there was something I didn't yet get. I think that was it! My faith, like the rest of my life, had been deeply personal, selfish. I did nothing for the sole purpose of furthering His kingdom.
I had been using cancer as my excuse not to start now. I want to help with a homeless ministry at church called Emmaus, but used the fact that I could only help every other week as an excuse not to even ask about it. I did the same with Wednesday night and Sunday night church. No more excuses. Cancer or not, I can still be of service to God in furthering His kingdom.
For the second week in a row, I attended Sunday night service. (I am going out of order here, but want to keep with my theme.) It was a prayer service about just that--how the church can be faithful in furthering His kingdom.
While praying, I again thought about my selfish faith. My prayers were 99.9% about me. I tried to pray for others, but always failed. I never knew how to pray for them and got overwhelmed trying to pray for everyone who needed prayer. While on my knees, God gave me a revelation. Choose one. At least to start, simply pick one person at a time to pray for and concentrate on that one person. Wow! What a concept! I can do that!
Amazing day spiritually! I am so glad I didn't allow my aches and pains keep me from this experience!
So, back to the time between church services:
Just as I finished putting away the groceries, my friend from work, Danny pulled up just behind Mike. Mike and Morgan had gone to buy a grill. Danny just happened to be nearby and wanted to come see me. We all went to lunch together.
After lunch, we headed to Belmont. My boss, Terry, was giving a presentation to the new freshman. This is the presentation I was supposed to do. I worked so hard the week prior to get a power point set up so that I could do it. However, during chemo week, he had conversations with others who made suggestions on how to change it to help hold the kid's attention for an hour. The suggested changes were great. The problem was that since I was not there to be a part of reworking the presentation, I would not be able to be a part of the actual presentation. That really hurt my pride. I love my job and I was so looking forward to it. However, instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to focus on the love and support of everyone involved who picked up the reigns in my absence.
The presentation began with a parody video some of the students made about security a few years ago. It was intended to show the lighter side of security and make us seem more approachable. I think it worked. But, as I watched it and looked at Terry on the stage in front of 1,000 eager new faces, I got a little jealous and teary eyed. I do this kind of thing all the time. I had been looking forward to this kind of audience for years. We finally got our chance and I had no part in it. Again, I pushed those feelings aside and started watching him and watching the kids. He is a great speaker. He told jokes and was able to hold their attention. He even used some of my sayings. Although there were a few points I wish he would have elaborated on, overall, it was a great presentation. The majority of the kids were paying attention and responding well to him. I kept an eye on a few who simply ignored it all and texted the whole time. I can see having some sort of problem with those some time this year. (We may already have.)
I didn't think I would make it to church last night, but I ended up getting home just in time to get in my own car and drive to church. So grateful for how that worked out.
When I got home, I sat outside enjoying the weather and watched Morgan play with the dog and Mike set up the grill. Great fall weather and a great day.
As I was laying in bed trying to sleep in spite of my pains, my phone rang. It is never good if my phone rings after 10pm, especially if it's my boss on the other end. There had been reports of break ins on campus. Several laptops were stolen. In one residence, the students were not home, but there was no sign of forced entry. Looks like the guy got in through an unlocked window. In the other incident, a man walked into an unlocked house. The residents were inside, but luckily, no one was hurt. He asked for someone and soon left--with a stolen laptop. It was time to do a security alert. I was up until about 1am talking to various people and getting that security alert written and distributed. In less than 24 hours, we have had a drug bust, thefts, and criminal trespass "arrest." Guess those students weren't paying attention at orientation!
My boss apologized for waking me and asking me to do this. I thanked him. I felt needed and back in my element again. I hate that those crimes took place, but I loved getting a chance to do my job, even in the middle of the night!
After all was done, I still could not sleep. It seems that once my chemo brain starts to go away, my brain goes into overdrive. Between my inability to shut off my brain and my body aches, sleep was not sound. However, I am up and back to work today! Get to give a presentation to new students in the Occupational Therapy department today!!!
(Don't have time to edit today so I hope my thoughts are clear and that I don't have too many misspelled words!)
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