Written Aug 23, 2012 9:40am by Renee Albracht
Last night I went to Wednesday night prayer meeting with the pastor. I have not gone since Pastor Henecke left. For a while, my spirit was rebellious. I did not want to say goodbye to someone I loved so dearly and I did not want to welcome anyone new. Even after I got to know, like, and welcome Pastor Ulmet, I got sick and my focus was solely on being sick.
I have to say, I really enjoyed it...even though most of the people who attend are much, much older than me. (But, this too is nice since I have always said I have and old soul and feel most comfortable around older people.)
The service was very relaxed. Pastor Ulmet discusses with the group the sermon from Sunday. It is a group participation time.
Afterward, Pastor Ulmet stopped me before I left and we talked about the cancer and the rough past two years I have had. He said he knew me from Michael's emails from our Sunday School class and from what others have told him and seeing me around, but we have never gotten a chance to talk. He said he would like me to give my testimony some time. It was really great getting to share with him. I was moved by how deeply he cares for all of us.
This morning on the way to work, I was thinking about what I would say if I ever did give a testimony. I don't have a great testimony about being saved since I have known Jesus since I was an itty bitty little thing. One of my earliest memories is getting excited enough to sing out loud in church. (I do not sing. Even when I was in children's choir as a kid, I lip synced most of the time! Only recently have I started to sing out loud, although softly. I know my talent is not my voice!)
Anyway, that was a really big deal. I remember my dad picking me up as we walked out of church and making a big fuss about it.
Jesus has always been a big part of my life. Now, though, I can sense something else going on. There are big changes going on!
It's funny how the cancer cycle rolls. During chemo weeks, I want so desperately to go home. When I hear about others passing away, I get jealous. I'm sad that Jesus won't let me go home.
When I'm feeling as great as I have felt the past few days, I would still gladly go if called, but I am no longer sad to have to stay here. I feel so alive and close to God. I can feel the change and know deep down that He has a mission for me. I know, whether I am healed and live a long life or die in sickness, I have a purpose and my purpose is to serve Him. Never in my life have I felt such a clear sense of calling. That is weird for me to say because it's not as if I feel Him saying "Go do this" or "Go there." He is not telling me to do something in particular, He is telling me to be something. I never understood that concept until now. In short, I feel like I'm being saved all over again!
Anyway, as I was thinking these things, a song by the Rhett Walker Band came on the radio. It is a new and powerful song. The first verse always reminded me of someone very close to me. I can see the fight raging within him and I pray that these words can be his own someday soon.
This morning, those words were not for anyone else. They were for me. As I listened, tears streamed down my face. I could not and did not want to control them. Ever since this change has taken place in me, I have become a weeper. Songs on the radio make me cry all the time these days!
I have said many times how alone and independent I was before cancer. I kept everyone, even my closest family and friends, at arm's distance. No one could hurt me as long as I kept my distance. Those I did let in always ended up hurting me deeply, whether intentional or not. (For instance, Pastor Henecke had no intention of hurting me by retiring. His decision had nothing to do with me, but I still took it personally.)
After cancer, I learned how to truly love others and let others love me. It has been very humbling yet freeing. Sure, being open does leave me vulnerable, but I missed out on so much by being closed off. What's that old saying about life's not worth living without taking chances?
I wanted to share the lyrics of this song:
Rhett Walker Band: When Mercy Found Me
I can't count the broken roads I've been down, but all I know;
Something had to give; something had to give.
Cause living my life so wild and free
Finally caught up
Oh it left me broken; left me hopeless,
But that's where I met Jesus.
(Chorus)
In one moment everything changed
Who I was got washed away
When mercy found me
My Savior's arms were open wide
And I felt love for the very first time
When mercy found me
When mercy found me
All those days, all those doubts
They don't seem to matter now.
His Grace is all I need
His Grace is all I need
And the chains that I was in before
They don't hold me anymore
His love has rescued me.
His love has set me free.
Chorus
My mind found peace
My soul found hope
My heart found a home.
Chorus
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