During the last chemo week and on into the first part of this past week, I was beginning to believe that the chemo was finally killing the good with the bad. The aches and pains I experienced were unlike anything I had experienced thus far.
When I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for gastritis, I joked with the pharmacists, telling them that I was thankful for how nice and helpful they are, but looked forward to the day when I didn't have to see them so often. They laughed and said it will be nice when I can stop by just to say hi and not have to pick something up.
After the nurse called and told me the doctor thought I had gastritis, I immediately looked it up on the Internet. My first thought was that gastritis was a fancy term for gas. I have had gas before. As a matter of fact, the stool softeners the doctor told me to take like vitamins since chemo makes me constipated make me gassy.
However, when I learned that gastritis is a burning in the lining of the stomach and that it could cause bleeding, I thought the diagnosis was right on. Matched my description of feeling like my stomach was sun burned. I read that aspirin and Ibuprofen can cause a burning in the lining of the stomach. Stress can also cause symptoms. This made sense. I had been taking a lot of Ibuprofen to help with the joint and bone pain. I was also under a lot of stress. I seem to put myself under a lot of stress during chemo weeks. I get to feeling like I'm letting people at work down. I get to feeling like I'm letting God down. I know I'm not, but I feel so useless when I am home unable to physically do much. It's a constant internal battle.
I'm not sure if it was the medication or the fact that I was no longer taking Ibuprofen and working took away my stress, but within a few days, my stomach felt better. My booty is still not doing well and bowel movements are still painful, but the rest of me felt better every day.
I had promised to take Morgan, Mike's daughter, horseback riding for her birthday back in September. I told her we would go when the weather cooled and I could wear long sleeves since I am not supposed to be out in the sun. I meant to take her a few weeks back, but I forgot to make reservations. When I heard how perfect the weather was supposed to be this Saturday, I made reservations.
Yesterday proved to be a perfect day. The weather in the morning was cool enough for me to wear long sleeves, but not too cold for a day outdoors to be uncomfortable. Me, Mike, and Morgan went horseback riding and then canoeing. I have only been on a horse one or two other times in my life. When I was getting my lesson, the lady asked me if I was familiar with horses. I told her no. She said the thought I had more experience because I was fearless when handling my horse. I chuckled and thought to myself, "I live with cancer. I fear nothing!"
I spoke too soon. I loved my horse. He was gentle and followed the horse in front of me with no problem. However, we were going up and down hills. At one point, he got too close the the edge for my comfort. Mike was behind me. He laughed and later told me he at first thought my saddle was slipping because I started leaning to the side. Then, he realized the saddle was positioned correctly, but I was not. I explained that I figured if the horse started to slip, I could jump off the other side to safety!!! So, I apparently am not 100% fearless!!!
After our ride, one of the workers asked if we wanted to go canoeing. Why not? We had no idea what we were doing. Between me and Mike trying to row and the wind pushing us in one direction, we ended up going in circles. It wasn't until we started paddling backwards that we were able to get back to shore. We did better paddling blind! Morgan and I just knew we were going to end up in the water! Poor girl was sitting on the floor of the canoe and got wet. Mike and I stayed dry. We all laughed quite a bit. It was nice hearing those two laugh like that. It felt good for me to laugh!
Even though this adventure wiped us all out, we still went to a movie later that afternoon. We went to go see Wreck It Ralph. That was a cute movie. Afterwards, I dropped them off at home and went to get a massage. I have never gotten a massage at night before, but that was the only time they had open and since I can only get a massage once a month and since I didn't want to wait another two weeks, I went for it.
It was a busy day, but I felt fantastic. Not only did I have fun, but I felt great physically. It is sad, though, that it took cancer for me to start living again. I used to spend most of my free time reading books or watching movies at home. I was also way too frugal to spend money. Now, I want to do more than simply read about other's fictitious lives and there is an urgency about it. I know I'm going to be sick for at least a week so when I feel well, I want to do stuff. Plus, I now realize that life is fleeting. I have no guarantees about tomorrow. I don't have a ton of money, but enough to be able to do things I enjoy doing like going to a movie or to dinner with friends or something out in nature. Life certainly is more fun when I do things with others instead of spend all that time by myself.
Today was another fun day. After church, I went to lunch and a movie with Brad. We went to go see Cloud Atlas. I love Tom Hanks, but I'm not sure about that one! It was great spending time with Brad, though, and getting to talk. He may be moving back to Texas in December so it's important for me to get to spend time with him now. I don't blame him. I would go, too, if I could. Things with my health and work make that hard to do right now, though. I'm just afraid I will never see him again if he does go.
With the exception of that sad thought, I had an amazing weekend.
Last week, I also got some great news at work. One piece of news is not official so I can't talk about it quite yet. One day, I got a call from a group that is no longer teaching RAD. They wanted to give me free RAD gear. That stuff is expensive. Then, I got an email that Belmont is going to let me do the fundraiser.
That is awesome and scary. I have no clue what I am doing. But, if it's God's will, it will be! As good as my week and weekend was, it just made me that much more aware of how important this fundraiser idea is. I heard of several people today undergoing cancer treatments who are having a much more difficult time than I am. My dad told me about a friend of his who passed away this week. His wife did not work. What's to become of her?
Today, both the pastor and my Sunday School teacher talked about God's call. They discussed much more than this, but that is what stuck with me. God asked, "Whom shall I send?" Isaiah said, "Here am I. Send me." When God calls us, we don't know what He is calling us to do, but when He calls, we can bet it's going to be big.
When I first got the idea for the fundraiser, I knew it was from God. Now, as the first hurdle is crossed, I wonder, am I doing this for His glory or for mine? Right now, my motives are pure. I know if it is His will and my motives stay pure, the fundraiser will be a success. If my motives are impure, it will fail before it ever begins. I am afraid it will become about me as everything in my life has been. I know the way to combat this is continual prayer, but I have failed miserably at this the past few weeks and months as well.
I am scared to try. But, I am even more afraid of not trying. I don't want to miss out on His blessing because I chose to ignore His call. "Here am I. Send me."
And, as Dr. Parrott said, the story does not end here...
No comments:
Post a Comment