Before I talk of today, I must mention something that occurred to me a few days ago. I have shared these thoughts with some already.
I wanted to do something special for the staff at TN Oncology. However, I have never been good at coming up with gift ideas. So, I turned to my sister for help. With her help, I got about four dozen bundtinis (mini bundt cakes) from my friend, Shannon's, store. A friend of mine made a t-shirt for my doctor. It is a black shirt. The writing is in lime green. The front says "Mr. Fix-It" and had a stethoscope snaking through the words. The back says, "I cure cancer."
My sister and others encouraged me to give the gifts during my last day at chemo. I was reluctant to and thought about waiting until I got the "cancer free" diagnosis. I was afraid something would go wrong and this would not be my last chemo. But, I followed my sister's suggestion.
Anyway, one day I was thinking about these gifts and what the staff at TN Oncology has meant to me, especially Dr. Meluch, it occurred to me just how much I owe my life to him. As I have said before, he was the first doctor in two years to truly listen to me. He told me he was a fixer and would fix it. He was true to his word.
One day at work, someone I had not seen in a while asked how I was doing. I told him "great. Monday is the last chemo." This caught him off guard. He did not know I had cancer. Mike was with me at the time. As I told my story, Mike added how grey and ashy I looked. I was losing weight and looking very bad. Later that night, I thought about this and remembered how the doctor told me my body was not making any red blood cells. It occurred to me that I was quite literally dying. My body cannot live without blood. The weight loss, the ashy tint to my skin, they were all signs that I was dying.
The doctor put me in the hospital, gave me blood transfusions, diagnosed my condition, and set me on the path of recovery. He saved my life!
The same night I realized this, I was talking with Brad. During the conversation, I told him about my revelation. I also told him how I owed so much to my sister as well. I have never been suicidal and I never would have committed suicide over this. No matter how bad things got, I knew God had it under control and I knew the only fate worse than the one I was now living was eternity separated from Him. I did not want to chance being separated from Him by taking my own life. However, I felt as low as I have ever been and felt that hopelessness that I imagine suicide victims feel just before they take matters into their own hands. I felt that suffocating feeling the day my sister called me and I completely lost it with her. Tori heard my pain and decided to take matters into her own hands. Because of her, chemo weeks became manageable and the real heart changing began. Had I had time to compose myself and get my emotions under control before she called, I never would have let her know how much I was hurting and she never would have put me on the path I am now taking. Divine intervention if I ever knew it! No doubt in my mind that God exists and loves me after that!
Brad and I had never had a conversation this deep and emotional before. It was nice, but sad it took me getting sick to bring us to this place. I told him about a new Richie Sambora song in which he says something about thank God for second chances. Thank God, indeed! I told him that I do not want to squander the second chance God gave me.
A day or two later, my sister wrote a blog about gratitude and being grateful for the less obvious things. One of the things she was grateful for was some of the things that came out of cancer. I responded that I, too, am grateful for cancer. I shared with her, as I had shared with Brad, how people had been posting "Like if you wish cancer didn't exist" on facebook.
There is no doubt that cancer sucks, but I am eternally grateful for cancer. Because of this journey, I am changed. I know how to love and be loved. I know how to be humble. I know what really matters and how to let go of the things that don't. I know how to express myself and to feel emotion. I know who I want to be and I now see a path toward becoming that person. I am closer to my family, friends, and God.
Morgan once asked a question she was asked at school. If I had the choice, would I want the ability to go back in time and erase something from my past or would I want to freeze time. Mike asked if I would take away the cancer. I said absolutely not. There was nothing fun about the cancer itself, but I like who I have become as a result. I said I would like to freeze time. That way, when I saw JBJ during the 2007 CMT Awards, I could have frozen time and jumped up and down and screamed and given him a hug and not gotten into trouble!
Anyway, on to the events of today.
I went to work again this morning for a little while. That, I think, was a mistake. It has helped in the past going to work before treatment, but this morning, I had way too much paperwork waiting for me. It had been a very busy weekend. I tried to organize everything and get it all done before I left. That didn't work. The harder I tried to be efficient, the more befuddled I seemed to get. I knew there was no way I'd get it all done in less than two hours, but I tried.
It was hard for me to leave work. I had a lot to do and here I was leaving to go get sick on purpose. Then, I got mad at myself because I thought I should not be angry. After all, this is the final treatment. Trying to talk myself out of being angry made me feel even more flustered. On top of all that, I was afraid something would go wrong. I just knew this could not possibly be the final treatment. I tried to stop and pray to calm my nerves, but nothing worked.
Then, slowly, I calmed. Brad wanted to come with me today. He wanted to witness me ringing the gong. He, my mom, step dad, and I arrived at the doctor's office and got on the elevator. On the elevator already was a man in a pale blue shirt carrying several white boxes and lime green balloons. I laughed and said, "Those are for me!" I recognized the shirt and the package!
The man and others in the elevator laughed, thinking I was making a cute statement about wanting the treats for myself. I said, "Seriously, I'm the one who ordered those! Talk about perfect timing!" I gave the man my name. He looked at the receipt and sure enough, I was right! My Nothing Bundt Cake bundtini delivery had arrived! He followed me to the doctor's office.
The receptionist congratulated me. She told me she would take them to the back for me. I made sure she knew they were for all staff. I wanted her and the others up front to get some as well.
After my lab work, I headed back to meet with the doctor. I noticed all the nurses had a bundtini by their desk. As I walked by, they all congratulated me and thanked me for the treat. (Thank you Tori and Shannon!)
The lab tech said my hair was growing back fast. I told her that the hair on my head is growing back. It's really thick on the sides, but thinner on top. However, I have lost most of the hair on my arms as well as the rest of my body. Also, I had one single eyelash left. I called it my Charlie Brown hair. It fell out last night. My eyebrows are super thin. Still, they were shocked I had hair at all. The drugs I am taking usually make all the hair fall out!
As I waited for the doctor, I started to feel sleepy like I always do. I think that is my body's way of dealing with the stress. I was so worried about what the doctor would have to say and I was nervous about giving him my gift.
He came in and he asked me how I was doing. I said "It depends. I'm worried you're going to tell me I have 24 treatments and not 12 and that this is only the half way point and not the end." He laughed and assured me this was the final treatment. Lab work looks good as well. Still don't need the additional shot for my red blood cells. He poked and prodded me as usual and said everything looks and sounds good.
I go for my full body pet scan and CT scan on November 29th and have another pulmonary lung function test on November 30. I meet with the doctor on December 3 to get the results. My dad will be here to go to the Texans vs. Titans game on the 2nd. Just found out he's going to stay so he can go to the doctor with me on the 3rd. Awesome! Glad I will have someone here with me to share the news!
Dr. Meluch was just about to leave the room and send me to the chemo room when I told him I had something for him. I handed him the shirt and card and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, but I got choked up and started to cry. He got a little teary eyed as well. I don't think he wanted to see me cry or cry himself because he abruptly left the room. That was fine with me. I really didn't want him looking at the shirt or card in front of me. I thought that would be too emotional. I didn't get to ask some questions about "what next," but decided to wait until my next appointment when I'm officially cancer free.
Chemo began. The nurse who hooked up my port said she never saw me smile the way I was smiling today. She said I always smile, but never like this. I told her treatments are not something I ever looked forward to and never came to treatment happy. I was happy last time, though, and very happy this time. I was looking forward to ringing the gong.
As different nurses came in and out, they again congratulated me and thanked me for the bundtinis. They were a huge hit! Several told me I didn't have to do that. I told them I did. They made a very unpleasant experience pleasant. One nurse came in and told me Dr. Meluch loved his gift. He was showing it to the nurses.
After the push drugs (which includes the red devil), I usually fall asleep. This was no exception. It is not a deep sleep, though. I can still hear activity around me. I heard some type of commotion and woke up to see Brad standing in front of me holding a big bouquet of balloons. My mom was standing, too. She handed me the card. It was from my whole family - twelve multi colored balloons, representing one for each treatment. The card said I needed to take them outside, say a prayer, and release the balloons. It's all in God's hands now. I would have cried had I not been so groggy!
The machine beeped for the final time, indicating that the bag is empty. The nurse said, "You are officially done." She unhooked me and bandaged me. She told me to stick around for a minute before I left. I told her I wasn't going anywhere until I got to ring the gong. She said she had something else. Dr. Meluch and the nurses had signed a certificate for me in honor of this last day. Then, she brought me the gong and I hit it!!! Again, I would have cried had I not been so groggy. But, I noticed Brad and my mom had tears in their eyes!!!
Before we left, I went to ask Dr. Meluch for a refill on my suppository suspcription. My booty is flaring up again. He thanked me for the gifts and said I didn't need to do that. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was genuinely moved. I thanked him for everything. After we gathered up all my stuff and started to leave, my mom stopped to thank him as well.
When we got home, I told my mom that it's just as hard for me to absorb the fact that this is actually the last chemo as it was to be able to say the word cancer in the beginning. This morning, my boss and Mike said this past six months have flown by. I said not for me. Looking back, it does seem like it has flown by, but while I was going through it, chemo weeks seemed to drag on forever. It is over, though. My doctor has no reason to think the cancer is still there or will return. He is extremely optimistic, as am I.
As I started writing this blog, I got a video text from my nephews. They had 12 green and purple balloons, one balloon for each treatment. They released them in my honor. "It's in God's hands now." Made me cry. I am crying again thinking about it. Wow! What an incredible sister and nephews I have! What an incredible family and friends. What an incredible God!
I will release my balloons once Mike and Morgan get home. I will be sure to tape it and post it on facebook, along with my nephew's tribute. My gong ringing is already on facebook.
Although chemo is over, my journey is not. I will continue posting in my blog periodically for the next year, until I reach my one year cancer free anniversary. I will let you know the test results and I will give progress reports on how I am doing.
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