When Miracles Happen

The strangest thing happened to me today. I woke up happy. I have never woken up on a chemo Monday happy. In fact, as my mom and dad can attest to, my mood starts to change the Sunday before chemo day. By Monday morning, I become much more withdrawn and subdued. Today, I woke up before my alarm ready to tackle the day.

I had made plans to go into work with Mike and then Brad would pick me up around 9am to take me to my appointment. Since I was up and ready to go early, I did something else that I have not managed to do on a chemo Monday. I prayed. And, best of all, it wasn't a woe is me, having trouble concentrating type of prayer. It was heartfelt, genuine. I was fully present with Him and prayed for Him to hold my hand, sit with me, let me sit on His lap, hold me, and indwell me. I read this morning about His promise to always be with me. I thanked Him for this truth and asked Him to let me feel that presence throughout me. And did He ever!!!

When I got to the doctor, I told the tech, doctor, and nurses how great I felt. I admitted to them that I had never come to an appointment in a good mood. My doctor laughed and told me it was okay. I could blame my bad moods all on him. During treatment, different nurses administer the drugs, depending on who is available. With each new one, I told them that this was my next to last session and I was ready to ring that gong! They shared in my joy. It's strange to say, but I had a good time today!

Now, backwards to the details of the appointment. My sister is definitely rubbing off on me. I came armed with a lot of questions of my own. No longer am I the passive observer.

The stomach and intestines. The stomach is better since taking the medication and/or not taking Ibuprofen, but my bowel movements still hurt. I don't think it's hemorrhoids.

Am I constipated? Am I taking the stool softeners?
No and yes - once a day.

Chemo drugs burn the lining in my system - accounting for the pain in my stomach and bowels. The lining in my intestines is probably burned like my stomach. I have more nerve endings near my bottom, accounting for the increased pain. If I had more nerve endings in other areas, it would probably hurt more. I should keep on taking the medication for my stomach even if my stomach feels better. I should also continue taking the stool softeners and suppositories. Unfortunately, I may simply have to live with the pain until the chemo drugs are out of my system and my body can fully heal.

I am getting these scratches on my arms as if my dog scratched me, but I don't remember being scratched. They are not going away like regular scratches would.

My body takes longer to heal from simple things like this because of the chemo. That is why they tell me to stay out of the sun and why it is so important for me not to get sick, why the common cold could put me in the hospital. It's okay. Perfectly normal.

My breathing is not getting better, but it's not getting worse.

I still will not be getting the chemo drug that effects the lungs. He checked my lungs and poked and prodded the rest of my body. All sounds and looks good. Nothing to be concerned about.

Will I start getting shots to boost my red blood cell count tomorrow?
No! My white blood cells are a little low, but where they are expected to be this point in the treatment. My red blood cells are doing better. I am still anemic, but my body is producing them on their own again and they look good. No second shot! Will still need the shot for my white blood cells.

Off to the chemo room. Brad asks me how long it usually takes. I tell him it used to take three hours, but with one less drug, it takes a little less time. The nurse hooking me up to my first bag asked what drug I no longer take. I told her I didn't know the name of it. "Would you like to?" she asked. "Not really," I say. "I wouldn't remember. Besides, I have them written down if I need to know. All I know is I still have to take the red devil "(a term I heard just this morning that my mom heard from my sister-in-law's mom). She knew exactly what I was talking about.

This same nurse came back a bit later with a list of the drugs I take, including the one that effects the breathing that I no longer take. She explained that it can cause serious damage and I need to know the name of this drug to be able to tell doctors in the future. She recommended I get a medical bracelet and tell my family. Bleomycin has some potentially severe side effects. If levels get close to 300 units, it can cause pulmonary fibrosis. I only had 7 treatments, 17 units each, for a total of 119 units. Although this puts me out of the high risk level, it can still cause future problems.

This drug can have negative effects with oxygen and anesthesia. As the form she gave me reads, "patients who have received prior bleomycin are at risk for pulmonary toxicity when exposed to oxygen during surgery. Ensure patients and family members understand the lifelong necessity of disclosing previous use of bleomycin when future needs for anesthesia occur to prevent a fatal episode of pulmonary failure."

The nurse said she did not want to scare me, but thought this is one drug I needed to remember. I was thankful and it did not kill my good mood in any way. I added this information to my medical zip drive bracelet.

This same nurse gave me my push shots - including Doxorubicin Adriamycin (the red devil). I like it when the nurses talk to me while giving me this shot. Helps it hurt less and keeps me from focusing on it. A pregnant woman had walked into the room minutes before. I asked the nurse what happens when a pregnant woman finds out she has cancer. She told me they usually treat it anyway. The teatment may vary depending on the cancer, drugs, and stage of pregnancy. She admitted that the babies sometimes die. I told her how Dr. Meluch talked to me about the possibility of me never being able to have kids once I went through treatment, but that it was okay. Even as a young child, I wanted to adopt instead of having kids - if I chose to have children at all.

We discussed adaption and foster care for a while and ended up on how long it took them to diagnose me. She could not believe it took two years. I told her about my journey and how much I love Dr. Meluch because I felt like he was one of the first doctors to actually listen to me. When he made the statement, "I'm a fixer. We're going to fix this," I almost cried. Had the me now been in that room when he said that, I probably would have cried.

We got onto a whole topic of misdiagnoses and why doctors wait so long to order the right tests or to pick up on signs such as - in my case - that persistent cough. She told me of two instances in her family where by the time they were diagnosed, it was too late, stage four. Both passed away. Her son, though, had a tumor the size of a grape fruit in his stomach when he was eight. They didn't catch it for a long time because it was hidden in the folds in the stomach. He, luckily, survived. He is now in his twenties and healthy.

She then looked at me with a look of horror. She touched my arm and apologized. She realized talking about death was insensitive. I told her it did not bother me at all. I told her about my conversation with Dr. Meluch in the hospital. When he told me I had stage four, I asked what that meant. Stage four is usually a death sentence. He explained how that was not the case with Hodgkin's stage 4. She finished my sentence and said it was highly curable.

During the final drug that lasts an hour, I finally got sleepy and took a short nap. When we got home, Brad, Bailey, and I took a nap together - after Bailey settled down from the excitement of seeing her daddy. He then made me dinner before going home.

I'm not feeling great, but I'm not feeling too bad, either. I have managed to finish the laundry I didn't get to this weekend and I and Mike are working while I also write this blog.

Tomorrow is our full staff meeting and I really want to go. Terry, my boss, is going to lay out the new divisions and job responsibilities of the department. (Had to stop here for a minute. Got really bad stomach ache all of a sudden - and a hot flash.)

First of all, I'm the one who brings the donuts. I will be missed if I'm not there. Second, I want to be able to see everyone's reaction to all the changes and see what kinds of questions they have - and be able to see facial expressions. A lot is said without ever saying a word.

One of the changes became official this morning so I can freely talk about it. Mike and I have been named Assistant Chiefs. When I was told last week, it came as a complete shock. Neither Mike nor I saw that one coming. I have to admit, my first thought was "now that will look good on my resume!"

Then, what that truly meant started to sink in. How blessed am I? Not only do I work for an amazing organization who have been so unbelievably supportive of me during this entire process - helping me to work away from home and helping me accomplish goals and tasks when I am at work. I know how lucky I am to even have a job in today's economy, but to have a job with an organization who has gone above and beyond to get me through this trail? That is truly a blessing. Now, on top of all that, a promotion? When I am only here half the time??? I still don't know what to say about that! It's nothing short of a miracle.

A day filled with miracles. I praise God for every single blessing today! We'll see how I feel in the morning - whether I can make it to work in the morning or not! God's perfect will be done!

I have had a song by Kutless stuck in my head the past few weeks. To be honest, I don't like it at all. Well, it's a good, catchy tune, but the lyrics are hard to swallow. They have been stuck in my head, though, and I think God keeps it there on purpose. My devotional reading for today spoke the same words - if we remain in Him, our circumstances may not change, but how we deal with them will. True, but difficult words.

Kutless - Even If

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come...

I almost forgot another really cool thing that happened today. I had been home for about an hour and hadn't fallen back asleep yet. Brad and I were watching a Dolphin's Tale when my phone rang. It was my Grandma Albracht. She asked me how I was doing and I filled her in a bit. She said she was calling to make my day a little bit better. She wanted me to know that Jon Bon Jovi was going to be on Katie! How cool is that? Not only does my grandma know about my love for Jon Bon Jovi, but she thought to call me to let me know! Made my day for two reasons - she thought of me and I got to see Jon!

And, you could see what a heart that man has. You could see the hurt he feels for his beloved home. And, if you happened to see it and see the footage of him working in his Soul Kitchen, that was not a mere publicity stunt. His whole family, dad, wife, daughter, work there. They do more than just give their money!