One comment about last night's dinner before I get in to today. I was sharing with my friends how it is getting harder mentally to get over and how my ego has taken a hit because I am no longer fit. I talked about how I used to work out all the time. I wasn't the best fit person, but I was definitely much more active and had much more stamina. Patricia, my nurse friend, told me that once the doctor gave me the all clear, I would basically have to start over with my physical regimen. I said I knew this was true, especially with Krav Maga. That is very intense and I would have to take it very slow.
We then talked about Michael, the Belmont co-worker back in the hospital undergoing experimental treatment for leukemia. He has lost a ton of weight and having a very hard time. I know Hodgkin's is one of the easier cancers, but people still seem surprised that I work at all and because I have gained weight, the only obvious sign that I am sick are my eyes. I have big bags under my eyes. Nothing I do gets rid of them. Plus, my eye lashes are falling out and eyebrows have thinned. They are also red all the time because of allergies. Even though I have a shaved head, I don't "look" like I have cancer.
Patricia said something that stuck with me. She said, "Imagine what you would be going through if you weren't fit before you started chemo." That's true. I never thought about that. Maybe the fact that I was otherwise healthy is the reason I haven't lost all my hair like I was supposed to and why the non-chemo weeks are as good as they are.
The mental sickness has surpassed the physical sickness right now. If I could figure out a way to overcome the mental part, I think I would be doing much better. I'm trying the best I can.
My appointment today wasn't until 11:30am, later than normal. I get antsy as it is before treatment. I could not imagine being home all morning anticipating my appointment. So, instead, I brought Mom to work with me and spent a few hours working. It was great! Took my mind off treatment for a little bit.
When I got the the doctor's office, I started feeling queasy. As I was being escorted to the waiting room to see the doctor, I caught a whiff of the saline. I got extremely queasy then. I stayed queasy because of that smell for the rest of the day.
I tried to sleep, but that smell was getting to me. I then smelled coffee. I woke up and asked my mom to get me a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee, but the smell overpowered the smell of the saline and helped calm my stomach.
One of my nurses, Lauren, the Belmont grad featured in the Belmont article told me she read it and commented on how good it was. Other nurses and patients listened in and asked questions about it. With my permission, she passed it around for others to read.
I got a kick out of that, not because of the article, but just how personable everyone is. It's kind of like a family there. We are all bonded by what we are going through. All the nurses are very nice and take the time to get to know their patients. If I had to get sick, I'm glad I ended up at Tennessee Oncology.
Time came for the red drug. This is the most potent drug and has always made me sick. Soon after the injection, I feel like I'm either going to vomit or have diarrhea. Since I already felt queasy, I was afraid of this injection. Surprisingly, I felt no additional sickening effects from it. Maybe the coffee and prayers helped!
I was able to sleep during the hour long drip. Time to go home. I didn't feel as sick as normal from the treatment itself, but the nausea I have been feeling since last night will not go away.
Yesterday, I bought some Vita waters, tea, and Mio for water. I can no longer tolerate the juice I had been drinking and have even lost my taste for water during chemo weeks. I needed to get something to keep my hydrated.
After dinner, I used some of the fruit punch Mio. However, it was the same color as my red drug. As soon as I looked at the bottle, I hid my face and asked my mom to take it away. The look of it was making me sick. Mike went to the store to get me a different flavor! At least we were all able to make fun of this strange phenomenon!!!
I thanked my mom for being here. I know I am acting a lot more needy than normal. My friend, Cheryl, gave me a book called Help Me Live. It is meant for caregivers, but she said it is also helpful for the sick person as well. I read the forward and introduction last night.
There is a part where the author says something about how caregivers and friends wonder why the sick person won't ask for help or say what they mean or want. She explained that oftentimes, especially in the beginning, the sick person doesn't know what he/she wants or needs. They are in a state of shock and it is new for them. Plus, what they want and need may change. It may even change based on the time of day. Also, if they are lonely or scared, they may not say anything for fear of angering the other person and losing their friendship.
I saw how some of this is true for me. One, in the beginning, I didn't know what I needed. Also, I am/was such a loner. I didn' want help. After my sister got involved, I saw how helpful it was to have people make sure I ate and how much it improved my outlook just not being alone.
Now, I don't like being alone. Friends have called and said they want to come visit, but don't want to bother me. I have given them permission to visit any time, even on Wednesday, my worst day. I may not be very good company, but I won't mind the visit. Before, I didn't want to even answer the phone on those bad days.
Now, this may change tomorrow, but that's how I feel today. I am aware that the mental sickness is worse and not being alone is more important than ever now!
This new self-awareness has made me more needy. I ask for her help more often. I even told her what I want for breakfast tomorrow! I know she doesn't mind. The strange thing is that I don't feel bad for asking. Before, I felt selfish if I asked. Now, I realize that I need the help and she wants to help.
Another thing I have noticed is how much more open I am with my emotions. It has always been easy for me to open up through my writing, but I could not do it face to face. I'm telling more people more often that I love them. Today, Mom and I were upstairs when Mike came home. I knew he would not go up there, wanting to respect our privacy, but I wanted to see him. I texted him to come up to see me and give me a hug. He came up and asked me what was wrong. He assumed I had had a bad time or got bad news. I told him I just wanted a hug. That simple!!!
Now, I'm watching the Texans game with Mom and Mike. This should be an easy win as long as the Texans haven't gotten over confident. Trying to stay out of bed and enjoy my Texans!
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