The Rollercoaster

After a good day Friday, I took a nose dive backwards and didn't leave the bed all day yesterday. I still hadn't slept and I felt like I had this crud in my throat that made breathing hard and made me feel nauseated. It wasn't the same as regular chest congestion. I think allergies are making chemo worse and chemo is making allergies worse. The longer I went without sleep and feeling sickly, the worse my mood became.

Last night, Mike gave me something to help me sleep. I slept great! This morning, I started coughing in the shower. As I was brushing my teeth, I threw up. Bananas and oatmeal do not taste very good coming back up! However, I also threw up whatever crud was in the back of my throat. Felt much better after that.

Still feel weak and sickly today, but feel much better than I did yesterday! My mental state is still taking a beating. I may only have three sessions left, but they are becoming harder and harder to bounce back from. I feel so helpless. It's been hard to focus on finishing well...

until this morning...

When I got to work, Mike told me that a Belmont co-worker (not in security) passed away Saturday night. He had leukemia and was in the hospital for an experimental treatment. The treatment didn't take. I knew all this. I didn't know he had died.

On the way in to work this morning, I was thinking about Michael and how there was no way I could endure what he had to endure. At least I feel better for a bit between treatments. I thought, if I were him, I'd tell them to give me something for the pain, but to stop treatments for cancer. I would certainly want to die.

To go from those thoughts to hearing that he had died was a shock. I knew it did not look good for him and I do not feel sad for him. I think he is much better off. However, the news hit me really hard. I knew Michael and he knew me, but it's not like we were close. I never went to visit him or anything, but I still took it rather hard.

Survivor's remorse? Jealousy? Simple empathy? I have asked Jesus to take me home, but He hasn't. Even so, my emotions didn't stem from jealousy. Empathy? Sure! He left behind a young son and a mother and countless friends who will miss him. He was a great guy! Survivor's remorse? That's all I know what to call it. Here is a good man with a young son who needs his father. Here I am, a woman with no one who relies on me. Sure, I have plenty of people who would miss me, but I have no children, nobody who could not make it without me. Why would God take someone like him and leave me? If I could trade places with him, for his son's sake, I would. No child should lose a parent at such a young age.

I told this to a friend of mine and she reminded me that Michael had obviously finished his task on earth and God was ready to call him home. God obviously is not finished with me. She believes He has some great task yet for me to do. He will not call me home until I complete my task. I believe this, but it doesn't make it easier. I will, though, work harder to be more thankful (eucharisteo) rather than  allow myself to stay stuck in self pity - if for no other reason than for Michael's memory.

Luckily, I was able to work today and had a busy day. One of the majors recently stepped down and instead of replacing him, we are reorganizing the department. The management team spent the day discussing this in great detail. Although my title may not change and there is no promise of additional pay, my job responsibilities will be increasing. It truly is something - even though I am only here half the time right now, my boss thinks enough of me to sort of give me a promotion. Anyway, staying busy took my mind off my own sickness and my sadness about Michael.

This afternoon, Brad and I are taking Bailey to the dog park for her 7th birthday! We gave her her birthday present this morning and we'll give her her cake later. I'll be sure to take pictures! Nothing my little girl can't make better! She is my heart!