Every chemo session is different. Unfortunately, is not getting any easier. Fortunately, I only have two sessions left. Hopefully, my body will hold up for just a while longer.
This last session wasn't as bad as the few prior sessions. I never really got bad chemo brain or nausea. I never spent an entire day in bed. However, I would not say it necessarily got easier. The bone pain intensified this round after the shot. It hit about Friday and made me miserable for a few days. The bad thing is, when the pain is in the bones, there is nothing I can do to alleviate it. No medicine, hot baths, rubs, ointments, or pills help. Sleeping is fitful.
I developed a new type of stomach ache. The best way I know how to describe it is if I had an internal sunburn. A friend from church invited me and Dad to lunch after Sunday School. I declined because we had plans to have dinner with a family friend. On the way home, though, my stomach started getting really irritated. When we got home from church, I had to use the restroom for the second time that day. The pain brought tears to my eyes. Even after I was done, I could not move for several minutes. I cancelled our dinner plans and went to bed.
I really don't think I have hemorrhoids. I've had them before and this pain is different. Again, it's like a sunburn. Or more accurately, it's as if the lining in my stomach and intestines are burned and thinned, highly sensitive.
After the Cowboys game, I was still feeling bad, but wanted to get something to eat. I decided on a Mexican restaurant that has pretty bland food. Even so, I could not finish my meal. I was getting an upset stomach again and was really afraid I'd have to go to the restroom for a third time. Luckily, I did not.
Last night, I was up late dealing with a vehicle accident involving a pedestrian. After that, the joint pain kept me from being able to fall asleep until well after midnight.
When I woke up, I kept coughing and choking and dry heaving. It was miserable. I wanted to simply crawl back in bed and go to sleep. But, I had a training to attend this morning and the only thing I wanted more than to escape the pain by sleeping was to get out of the house and do something normal. I did not want to waste a non-chemo week by staying home in bed.
It has been rough getting through the day, but I made it! And, I'm glad I did. Had I stayed home, I am sure depression would have set in. At least at work, I can be around people and do something other than wallow in my sickness.
I feel like the chemo drugs are finally starting to kill the good stuff as well as the bad. It's all a new kind of pain. I am told this is all perfectly normal and I keep hanging on to the words of the nurse practitioner who told me the last time that if there was something to worry about, they'd tell me. I am simply hoping and praying my body hangs in there for just a few more weeks!
So far, I have gained an average of one pound every two weeks. I am now at 150, the most I have weighed in my life. I'm not worried about it, though, and neither are the doctors. I am afraid, however, that if my stomach does not get to feeling better, I'll be losing weight at a quicker rate!
On another note, the past few days, I have felt like my life was slowly spinning out of control. I had this great idea for a fundraising event and put those ideas out there for others to know about and help me realize. Then, Satan attacked. "I'm an ideas person," I would think. "I'm good at ideas, but I can't follow through. Who am I to think I can do this? What have I done? I can't do this!!!" I would have similar thoughts about other things.
I knew it was Satan trying to discourage me. I even felt God calling me back to Him. For the past few days, He told me to turn off the television and spend time with Him. I would say, "After this show," but then I would start watching something else and then get too tired and go to bed. I kept putting Him off and I knew this was wrong.
At church during prayer time, I told Him that I felt like I was spinning out of control. He said, "I know, that's why I called you to Me. Had you come to Me and given Me your burdens, you would not be feeling this way."
During the sermon, Pastor Ulmet spoke of miracles - great and small. When he spoke of the king who did not deserve God's miracle, I at first mistook what he was getting at. I thought, "That's me. I don't deserve God's miracle." Again, like I always do, I thought I needed to earn God's grace.
Then, I got the point. That king did not deserve it, but he still reaped the benefits of the miracle. I listened intently to the rest of the sermon and fought back tears. Then, I remembered what Michael's memorial taught me about being in the moment and I let myself be present and to fully listen and to respond naturally. There were moments when I thought the pastor was looking directly at me, as if he wanted to make sure I, personally, got his point!
I may not deserve God's grace, but He freely gives it anyway. I may not have obeyed His requests for my attention, but He forgives. How awesome is He?
After the service, I ran into the pastor. I did not seek him out, but when our eyes met, he reached his hand out through the crowd he was talking with. This action in and of itself meant a lot to me. The preacher is probably the most popular person after church. Everyone wants to stop and talk with him, but he took the time to seek me out and ask how I was doing.
I suppose he noticed the tears in my eyes. I simply told him I needed to hear that sermon and he took the time to pray with me right then and there. That, too, meant a lot to me. He could have said he would keep me in his prayers, but to actually take a moment to pray right then when others are vying for his attention meant so much. He truly lives out his sermons!!!
Only two more chemo sessions...only two more chemo sessions....please pray my body can endure it and that it will recover quickly after chemo is all over! Please pray for my spiritual health as well...that I will listen when He calls!!!
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