Monsters and Demons

After a great day on Saturday, I hit a self-induced rough patch on Sunday.

Church and the activities fair/walk after was fun although I am at the point where I want to quit wearing the wig even to church. I went up for prayer time and others gathered with me to pray. I don't know if the lights from the front are hotter, but I always seem to get a hot flash up there. On my knees, trying to focus on prayer, and all I could think about was how hot and light headed I felt and how badly I just wanted to rip that plastic off my head! What do you think, church family, if I wore a covering, but no wig to church?

I didn't stay at the walk for long. Being up and about in that crowd tired me out. Got some good information on some things I would like to get involved with and had some ideas of my own. May email the pastor about those ideas later. I am reluctant to do that, though, because the one with the idea usually ends up spear heading it. I don't think I'm qualified, but it is a program I think is very important. There needs to be some kind of next step program for new Christians. I got the idea from my friend, Amber. After she was saved, she thought she was supposed to be perfect. She struggled with her demons. I haven't heard from her in a while. A few weeks ago, I found out she left Belmont and went back to Texas. She never said goodbye or gave me any indication that she planned on leaving. I have not been able to get in touch with her. I can't help but wonder how she is doing.

The reason I don't think I'm qualified is because I never had that conversion experience. Since I have been a believer since a very early age, I can only empathize with their struggles. I think someone who has been there needs to lead such a group. I suppose I can explain this to the pastor.

Anyway, I was super excited to get home. There are two games a year I have to watch -- both Titans vs. Texans. Before going home to watch the game, I picked up a pizza from Little Caesar's. The bad thing about being sick in bed watching television is having commercials stick in your head and influence bad decisions.

I know acidic based products can hurt if I have mouth sores. I didn't have mouth sores, but the last time I ate pizza, I got sick to my stomach. Thought I'd try it again, though. I miss pizza. One piece of pizza and a few cheese sticks later, I thought I was having a heart attack. The heart burn was torturous! I went and laid in bed suffering through the game, hoping to fall asleep. Luckily, the game wasn't that entertaining. The Texans clobbered the Titans! (Yippee - they are 4 - 0)

I took Tums and Prilosec and nothing worked. I was supposed to go back to church at 4:00 pm for a volunteer meeting for next weekend. I could not go.

When the pain finally went away, I went to the grocery store. I could feel the effects, even without the heartburn, of having not eaten well all week. I needed fruit and other healthy alternatives. So, I ate a fruit salad for dinner. Mistake number two! The pineapple caused the heartburn to flare back up. I didn't even think about pineapple being acidic. Mike gave me Zantac. I took that before bed and woke up feeling better! The acidic demon finally left!

Last Sunday, I heard a preacher on the radio discuss one of the biggest problems in marriages is a lack of genuine communication. Couples talk all the time, but it's about the kids or work or what bills need to be paid this month or what they need from the grocery store. Real, heart to heart communication dies after marriage and especially after kids. He  said that couples need to take time for themselves to communicate. They need to ask each other, not how are you, but how is your spirit? Then, you need to be available to truly listen. I thought about how true that was in my own marriage and how poorly we failed when we tried. Instead, we both waited until we were in front of a counselor before we said what was really on our minds. Bad thing is, we didn't even communicate well before marriage. We simply stunk at the whole communication thing. That, I am convinced, is what ultimately destroyed our marriage. Everything else were mere symptoms of poor communication.

Mike and I, on the other hand, although only friends and not romantically involved, used to be great at this. Our time working on the green house was a great time for us to share our burdens and really bond. Unfortunately, we lost this after my diagnosis and after Morgan moved in. Even though we are merely friends, our living arrangement resembles a marriage in a lot of ways.

So, after Morgan went to bed last night, I asked him the question. We had such a good talk. We shared like we haven't shared in months. One thing we discussed was our past relationships and future potentials. I told him how comfortable I am with my ex. He spent the week with me and it felt so natural with him laying in bed with me rubbing my back when I asked him to. There was nothing sexual about it. It simply felt comfortable.

One day, my sister called and asked what we were doing. I told her we were in bed watching a movie. She asked which movie. I told her "Friends with Benefits." She laughed and teased me about Brad. I know she was just teasing, but it really got me to thinking again about relationships.

A week or so before that, a boy I dated when I was 19 or 20 chatted with me on Facebook then gave me a call. He didn't know about the cancer. Somehow, our conversation turned to sex. He asked how long it had been and I told him the truth. Not since I was married. He could not believe it. He said no human adult could go two years without sex. I was sitting on my bed while having this conversation. There is a full length mirror on the wall across from the bed. I looked at myself in the mirror and just smiled a sad smile.

I have never been a very sexual person. Sex never mattered much to me. (That is definitely one of the problems that led to things that led to my divorce. Lack of communication still tops that, though!) Now, though, I feel completely a-sexual. I don't feel like a woman or a man. I don't feel attractive one bit. As a matter of fact, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a monster.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I look hideous. I still see the same face and know my inner beauty still shines through. But, I cannot see how I could ever be sexually appealing to any man. I'm bald. I have lost all my muscle mass. And I have this hideous scar on my neck. I also have this ugly port protruding from my left breast.

Just because I think I look unappealing to the opposite sex does not mean I feel sorry for myself. Sex and men are the last thing on my mind these days. It just seems like so many others have brought it up lately. I have even made a joke out of it. Actually, my ex made a joke out of it and I expanded on the joke.

We once saw an add for christianmingle.com. He said I should post on that site and state how I am bald and am not interested in sex. I laughed about this with other friends and said I would post "single bald female going through cancer looking for a man to simply cuddle and rub my head. Do not believe in pre-marital sex and never intend on getting married ever again. Interested?"

One friend laughed and told me to watch out. There might be a man out there with a bald head fetish who would take me up on that offer!!!

Anyway, Mike and I talked about this some last night. He tried to reassure me that I was still attractive. Didn't matter, though. I simply cannot see past this cancer right now. A small part of me imagines my ex getting his life on track and us getting  back together. The realist in me thinks we are better off as friends and if we did get back together, nothing would change and we'd be right back where we were. Another part of me sees me with someone else and finally having a family and adopting children. A bigger part of me sees me alone.

Again, this isn't feeling sorry for myself. I don't think being alone is necessarily a bad thing. Like Paul says, and I paraphrase, if I am not married, I am not attached to the worries of the world. I can fully focus on the works of God. That doesn't seem like such a bad route for me! Besides, I have extremely high expectations for any man I may end up with in the future. Foremost is that he MUST be the spiritual head of the household and act accordingly. I know there are men out there who meet every single criteria I have. I go to church with some. I just don't know if God has one in store for me.

Well, that's a matter for a later time. My focus now is on getting healthy. With that said, I am reminded about what happened in church yesterday, another matter I discussed with Mike last night. We sang a song about God being everything and making Him our everything and others being able to see Christ in everything in us. As I sang, I got choked up at times and tears ran down my cheeks. I didn't try to stop them.

I knew I haven't been praying formally or reading my Bible or even writing in my Thanksgiving journal the past few weeks. I still feel close to God and talk to Him constantly, but I have not been putting forth an effort. During this song, it hit me as to why.

This cancer is getting hard. People ask me how this week went and I have to say, it was less difficult this round, but it still sucked. The psychological pain is growing and my mental fatigue has just about taken over. I'm so mentally tired. I spend even good weeks watching a lot of television. When I am not physically sick, I do as much as possible. I read an entire book this weekend between all my other activities and football watching. The truth is, the harder cancer becomes mentally, the more I check out of my real life. If I spend time in prayer, I am smack dab in reality. If I read the book I started that my mom gave me about a priest's experience with cancer, I am smack dab in real life. If I read the new book I ordered by Max Lucado about grace, I am smack dab in the middle of real life. I don't want to be. I want to escape and pretend all is right with the world.

During prayer time at church, instead of being anointed and praying for myself, I prayed for others in need. This was my way of making amends. It's still hard, though. Instead of praying or reading the Bible before bed, I finished the fictional book I was reading. Escapism.

It's strange, but even writing my blogs is a form of escapism. It's as if I'm writing about a character in one of my books. Truth be told, this will probably become a character some day!

*I am going to start posting simultaneously on this blog and CaringBridge. Too many people are having problems accessing this site or are unable to leave comments. I received a card in the mail this week from a friend at church. She said she was unable to post coments on this site and didn't want me to think she had forgotten about me or wasn't thinking about me. How sweet is that!!! So, you can now go to whichever site you prefer. They will both say the exact same thing!