In the past, I have been a horrible gift giver and I used to be quite miserly. Granted, I never had much money and considered having to spend money to get home as my gift for everyone. Got me out of having to do much thinking. I would even get mad when people got me gifts because I could not reciprocate. I had the Sheldon Cooper attitude about gift giving.
Penny: I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's to late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
You can watch the whole clip at http://youtu.be/e0PVaqV7LxM. Hilarious! My favorite show!!!
Anyway, this year has been different. Not only have I completely abandoned my miserly ways, I have found it quite easy to come up with gift ideas for most people. It has become important for me to give thought to the gift! I have been having so much fun thinking of the right gift and getting the right gift for folks. Granted, I still have to pay for the trip home so I am having to curtail my desires and not quite go over the deep end like I would if money were of no concern at all! If I could, I would get gifts for everyone I know!
On the flip side of things, I am having a tough time at work. I used to love coming to work, but lately, it just puts me in a bad mood. Biggest reason is that I don't feel like I deserve the recent raise and promotion. My brain and my body are slow. After meeting with the doctor last Monday, I finally came to terms with my body needing time to recoup, but I did not realize just how tough it would be. I also didn't account for the chemo brain needing time to recover as well.
After a simple walk one block to the campus post office last week, I returned to my office winded as if I had sprinted there and back. By Friday, I was so exhausted. I could have crawled under my desk and gone right to sleep. My hands and my feet are swollen and feel very arthritic.
By Friday evening, I was scared to death that I was getting sick again. I hadn't felt that tired since before I was diagnosed with cancer and used to spend days in bed with no energy. I slept for ten hours or more and woke up Saturday morning feeling great again. Turns out my body simply wasn't used to working for two weeks straight anymore. Last week would have been a chemo week and I would have been in bed or on the couch all week. I simply wore myself out by just being out and about all week!
On Saturday, we went out for breakfast and Christmas shopping. That little bit walking around a mall wore me out. It is going to be an uphill battle regaining my strength.
I did have fun going out to dinner with a group of friends from work. I was tired by the time we got there, but I did enjoy their company!
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| My double decker brisket and pulled pork sandwich after I smashed it down to be able to fit it in my mouth! The BBQ version of the Big Mac! (could not finish it!) |
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| Trying to eat my big sandwich! |
This weekend, I realized just how bad the chemo brain has hindered me. I am having trouble with simple math and directions. I have signed up for lumosity.com. Playing those games, especially the math game and spacial recognition game frustrate me and make me realize just how bad things have gotten.
I used to be very physically fit and active. I also used to be pretty smart. Now, to be so physically weak and below average mentally is getting to me. I know it will get better, but until then, are those around me going to understand and support me or will they get frustrated with my slow progress and wonder, as I do now, what I'm doing in this role as Assistant Chief and ask me to step down?
I think the other thing that has me in a mood today is the messages I've received the past two days. A portion of the sermon yesterday and my devotional today were the same - in times of trouble, when things go terribly wrong, will I be able to find joy in knowing my Lord and Savior? Will I reach for Him and hold His hand? I am wondering what He's trying to prepare me for. I had a very honest, pleading prayer time with Him this morning. Haven't I been through enough the past few years? I don't want to be like Job anymore. PLEASE let me have a little peace for a little bit.
I would love to crawl under a rock and not deal with these issues at all. However, that would solve nothing. If I want to get better, I have to do the work. I also have to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I have been told recovery would take a while. It's just so hard knowing where I was and dealing with the realities of where I am. It will be a good lesson in patience and indurance.
I read a quote from JJ Watt on Facebook yesterday. He said, "If your goal is not to be the greatest, then you are kind of wasting your time!" I want to be the best I can be. I cannot get there if I'm not willing to do the work to get there.
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