Fail

My Jesus Calling daily devotional for yesterday read, "...In your private thoughts, you are still trying to order your world so that it is predictable and feels safe. Not only is this an impossible goal, but it is also counterproductive to spiritual growth. When your private life feels unsteady and you grip My hand for support, you are living in conscious dependence on Me..."

Yesterday turned out to be a cluster of exasperated breakdowns. I started the day on lumosity.com, scoring in the eighty percentile, not a bad score, but below my pre-cancer ability. As the day progressed, I continued to have problems functioning mentally. After a meeting, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get a co-worker to understand my point.

Many of us at work joke around constantly. We, including myself, have made many jokes about chemo brain. Anytime anyone made a silly mistake, we would blame it on my chemo brain. I laughed and made just as many jokes at my own expense and at other's expense as they made.

Yesterday, however, the jokes got to me. I thought it insensitive to joke after I had just discussed with them how  sensitive I was because both my brain and body were slow and taking me a lot of time to recover.

All this emotion culminated when I tried to scoot a heavy box from one room to another. Simply pushing a box a few feet wore me out. With the mental exhaustion and now the physical exhaustion after having done very little, I fell to my knees, laid my head on the box, and cried. I wanted to punch something or scream, but I did not want to draw attention to me. I felt like such a loser.

I tried to talk to Mike, but it didn't go well at first. I was so upset that I made him think I was mad at him. I finally got him to understand that I was just venting. I felt so worthless and knew I did not belong in my new job. The old, competent, confident, smart, and fit Renee was hired to be Assistant Chief, not this Renee. This Renee was not competent, confident, smart, or fit. What if I never got better?

I was not doing anything other than what I had been doing in my old role. Yesterday, the best I could do was clean out and start organizing a very dirty and disorganized equipment walk-in closet. I didn't need to be Assistant Chief to do that!

Mike tried to console me and tried to make me feel like a valued member of the team, but at the time, I was so frustrated, I would not listen.

On the way home, I called Brad to ask about Bailey. He asked me how work went and when I tried to tell him, I felt like I was going to burst out crying. I bit my tongue, trying to keep from crying. When I get angry, I tend to have trouble expressing myself. When I have trouble expressing myself, I end up crying. Now, add the additional low brain activity to my natural reaction to anger, my frustration multiplied and I really felt miserable.

Brad took my silence for a snub so I let him know what was going on. In doing so, I cried again. He was such a good listener. Even though Mike is a great friend and a great listener, he was too close to the situation of the day. Brad was an unbiased and unconcerned listener. He helped me process my emotions and calm down. Like a person learning to walk again doesn't just get up and walk, but has to go through physical therapy, I too, have to work at getting better. Someone has to clean the closet. Why not me?

I still felt miserable last night. Mike and I talked some more about the entire day and some of our shared frustrations with work. I told Mike about the devotional from the day!

"Fail!" I joked.

I vented to God. Nothing seemed to help. To make matters worse, my Texans were getting slaughtered. I felt bad, as if I had infected them with my bad mojo, causing them to have a bad night. I turned off the television and went to bed, hoping to feel better in the morning.

Unfortunately, I woke up with a headache and felt no better than I had the day before. My devotional for today was about sharing all my hopes, dreams, and concerns with God. "Spend time allowing My light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality...Do not try to hurry this process. If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame. Hurry is not in My nature." I shared everything I wanted, from improving my mental and physical health to becoming a professional writer.

I got the point. God tried to prepare me yesterday for the day I would have. I gave in to my emotions and failed to give in to Him. Luckily, He never leaves us where we are at. I resigned myself to the fact that this is going to take some time. I gave it all to Him. Whatever He wants from me, I gave it to Him.

Although there were a few bumps at work, my mood greatly improved. I was able to say some things to some coworkers that I could not say the day before. I had a really good and productive meeting. I even found joy in cleaning the closet. I saw it as a type of rehabilitation, a way to stay active and help both my mental and physical well-being.

I played my lumosity.com game at the end of the day today. My score shot up by ten points. I think playing later in the day after my brain has a little exercise makes for better results than when I play first thing in the morning when I am tired.

I also learned that it is important to talk things out with people. Sure made me feel better!

Situations may not change, but the way we look at them can. The hard part will be getting out of my own head long enough to give myself a break and to focus and to rely on God.