I don't really have much on my mind, but thought it was about time for an update. Last Friday, I had yet another checkup, simple blood work, no CT scan. I was a bit worried because I have started to get the large boils (gigantic pimples) on various parts of my body, same place I got them just before being diagnosed with cancer. They are not as frequent and large as they used to be, but still. Anything out of the ordinary makes me think the worst.
Dr. Meluch was not too concerned about them. I told him that in some ways, I feel like I'm 20 years older than I actually am and in other ways, I feel like I'm going through puberty again. He said that is almost exactly what is going on. The chemo messed with my ovaries and they are having to readjust. It is like I am going through puberty again. I laughed to myself, knowing my hysterectomy was coming soon and the ovaries would be gone, throwing me into early surgery induced menopause. Symptoms quite similar to puberty. After, that, though, I'll really feel older than my 37, almost 38 years!
Mentally and emotionally, I feel significantly older than my age. I have always been told I have an old soul. I suppose that is why I have always felt more comfortable with people older than myself. I haven't had friends my own age since high school. Now, however, I feel even more disconnected from people my own age. Everything I have gone through the past three years, with the divorce and cancer, changed me. I am not the innocence, sheltered little girl that I used to be. I see the world through new eyes. I used to say that I missed my rose colored glasses. Now, I rather enjoy the view. Life is more beautiful when you see it contrasted with the ugliness surrounding it. Life has more value when you know how fragile it can be.
Physically, I have been feeling phenomenal the past month or so. Back when I first went to see Dr. Meluch, before being diagnosed with cancer, he treated me for iron deficiency. He told me that two weeks after that treatment, I would feel like climbing mountains. Unfortunately, that was not the case. It took almost two years for me to feel that great. For the past few weeks, I have felt better than I have felt since I first started feeling sick more than three years ago. I have been going, going, going, working out twice a day, running RAD classes and other events after work, staying busy with activities on the weekend. I felt no need to pace myself since surgery would soon force me to rest.
As a matter of fact, this was the only thing that scared me about the upcoming surgery. For the first time in more than three years, I felt amazing, whole, and healthy. I know this surgery is necessary, but it killed me to think that after only a few short weeks of feeling on top of the world again, I would be bed ridden for weeks. Even after I start to feel better, it will be months before I can run or get back to the gym lifting weights or participating in Pilates. That is why I pushed myself so hard. I wanted to enjoy it all while I could.
Well, my body took more than it could handle. Last weekend, I was an adult chaperone for the girl's youth church retreat. I had a ball with those girls, but I slept little and ate way too much. There was no time to rest when I got home. I had a RAD class Monday night and a CPR class Tuesday night.
I could feel my body shutting down Monday evening, though. After working on ground defense, I felt light headed and nauseated. It took all I had to get through the rest of the class. Luckily, I was not the lead instructor for the CPR class on Tuesday. I was simply there to help out and be observed as the last part of my becoming an instructor. I made it through the class okay, but I don't feel like I was completely present.
I didn't work on Tuesday, other than the CPR class. I didn't work at all on Wednesday and even missed church that night.
I went to the doctor on Wednesday. I would not usually miss work or see a doctor for how I felt. However, because of my upcoming surgery, I did not want to take any chances. If I get sick, I cannot have the surgery. Fortunately, I did not have anything viral. She said it was most likely exhaustion. If I don't take time to rest, my body will shut down. She gave me some antibiotics anyway in case I was developing something.
By Thursday I was feeling better. Today, I am back to normal. However, now I am not so afraid of losing that momentum because of the surgery. I have not worked out one day this week and understand now the importance of pacing myself for my own health.
I read over the FMLA paperwork my doctor filled out for my work. It states I am not to return to work until January 3. I am hoping that after my two week checkup, I will feel up to working half days and she will allow that. I am also hoping I will feel up to returning to church, at least on Sundays. I cannot stand the thought of staying at home for six weeks. I will go crazy cooped up all that time. I also hate the idea of missing church that much. I missed one Sunday last weekend because of the retreat and I miss it terribly. I miss my Sunday school class and I miss being with the kids on Wednesdays.
I will do as the doctor suggests. I will not push it. But, here's praying for a quick recovery!
One last thing. Tuesday November 19, 2013 is my one year cancer-free anniversary. My one year scan, however, is not scheduled until December 30th. I will celebrate on Tuesday, but I will celebrate even more should the scans at the end of the year come back in my favor!
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