Chasing Lions

For the past three years, I have felt lost. Ever since I was told I was in remission, I have felt stuck. I don't mean that I was depressed per se. I have had many good days. I simply mean just that - stuck. Nothing inspired me. Nothing motivated me. After a moving church service, I watched as others reacted, but I felt empty. I listened to the testimonies of others and reminisced about times gone by when I felt alive in Christ.

I made plans, knew what it would take to get where I wanted to go, but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it.

I want to be healthy. Each morning, I elected to stay in bed instead of run, fooling myself into thinking I would make a better choice in the afternoon and go workout at the Y. The afternoon came and there was always an excuse for not being able to make it to the Y.

I want to shed the weight I gained during chemo because of the thyroid issue. The medicine is keeping me from continuing to gain, but I cannot loose. The day starts with a promise of better decision making. Then, it is time to eat and I choose tasty over healthy. I give in to my craving for sweets.

I started to feel down, angry with myself. I always say I will do better tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. I was stuck.

Last Saturday, I attended a Women's Lunch at the church. The guest speaker had an amazing story. As I listened to her, I felt nothing. In the past, such stories would inspire me. I shared my frustrations with God, but even my prayers were stale.

Tenth Avenue North has a song out called Worn. There is a line that says:

I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
and all that's dead inside can be reborn
'cause I'm worn

http://youtu.be/-METBrlP3xU

Those words became my pleading prayer. This past Saturday, on our way home from our first time out with the High Road Runners from church. I told Mike how I felt stuck and longed for something to ignite a spark within me again, to make me feel alive and motivate me.

It's amazing how God works. I have been feeling this way for some time then all of a sudden, BAM!

Sunday morning was amazing. When I tried to retell the story of what happened, all I could say was that the Holy Spirit was very present and that is still an understatement!

During Sunday School, four classes combined to hear a guest speaker. He had me riveted to every word. He was going to be speaking Sunday night as well.

I usually volunteer with the youth on Sunday, but because of this special guest, the youth were going to be in church with the rest of the congregation. Any time the youth do not meet separately, I tend to take the night off from church. This week was going to be no exception. My Texans were going to be playing at 3pm. Even though they have been pitiful this year and were playing an undefeated team, I still intended to watch the game. Unfortunately...or fortunately in this case...the game was not televised. After the excitement of the morning, I decided to go back to church.

Once again, Pastor Tanner from the Church of the Nazarene in Valparaiso, Indiana commanded my full, undivided attention. He told the story of a Biblical character that I never remember hearing about. He said there is sporadic mention of him throughout and you must take a sentence from here and there and piece them together to get his story. (Once I got home, I looked him up. I have read the Bible countless times. How come I never heard this story? Well, maybe because it is a mere sentence. But, there it is in 2 Samuel 23:20)

He spoke of a man, Benaiah, one of David's mighty men, commander of David's army, responsible for changing the world.

Why was he the commander of David's army? Because he proved himself as the head of David's bodyguard detail? Why was he in charge of David's bodyguard detail? Because he proved himself as David's bodyguard. How did he become David's bodyguard? Because he chased a lion into a pit.

Small choices led lead to great victory.

Pastor Tanner was so animated in his story telling. He walked us through what any sane person would do if a lion was following them. If, by chance, the lion turned and walked away, most people would be praising God for saving them, not running after the lion. Then, even if we were out of our mind and ran after the lion, most of us would stop once the lion fell into the pit and praise God for saving them in a time when they completely went out of their mind. But, no! This lion chaser jumped into the pit and killed the lion.

Imagine King David searching resumes for his bodyguard. Pastor Tanner mimicked the king flipping through resumes, all the Rangers and Seals applying. Those who have studied at top universities. Then he comes to Benaiah's resume, chased a lion into a pit. Yes! That's the one!

His point was for the state of the church, but I took it personally. It translated well into my life. How did Benaiah become one of David's mighty men? Because way back, all those years ago, he made that choice to chase that lion.

We never know what choices we make today can change the world in the future.

I thought about my feelings of being stuck. My choice to get up and run or stay in bed. My choice to eat an apple or ice cream. The choice to write or watch television. The choice to talk with God or watch television.

Goes back to the quote I have as my screen saver on my computer from the book Greater by Steven Furtick, "A big dream without a small start is nothing but a daydream."

I felt like a deflated quarterback coming into the locker room at half time after several sacks and interceptions. Coach gives us a pep talk to encourage us and excite us for the second half. I wanted to stand up and cheer and run back onto that field, ready to face the enemy and win the game.

After the service, I stood up and talked with the others from the Koinania Sunday School class who sat in the pew with me and said, "I want to go chase some lions!"

When I got home, I told Mike and the girls about it (while on the way to Dairy Queen. I had promised them ice cream when I got home.)

I was still fired up this morning. I woke up before the alarm went off, ready to go for a run. Mike and his youngest girl, Shelby, came with me. I have never in my life run outside in the dark and cold. There was frost on the roof, but I didn't care. It was fun, though, especially with them with me.

I know life is a cycle and I will not be this high every morning. However, after three tough years and one year of being uncertain of the who, what, why of life, I FINALLY feel like I'm coming out of the other side of a dense fog.

I have clung to hope. I have reached for inspiration, but until last night, I feel like it was all my efforts, empty efforts that never lasted more than a moment. This time is different somehow. I feel like instead of me reaching and jumping and climbing and falling, God held out His hand for me to clasp. He pulled me up out of that pit. The clouds parted and angels sang. He set me down on solid ground, smiling at me like a Father smiling at His beloved child. He lets go of my hand and tells me to run, go chase that lion. I feel free.

That's it...I feel free...no longer weighed down by the weight of divorce and cancer and constant self-failure. You know, I was so eager to be where I am at this very moment. I tried to create this feeling for myself time and again.

What happened yesterday is normally the type of thing that happens for me at Gethsemane. I cancelled my trip scheduled for the first week in November because of my upcoming surgery at the end of November. I could not justify taking a week vacation then being out sick for many weeks.

I felt at peace about it, like God was telling me it was okay. I didn't need to get lost in the woods to hear His voice. I thought I needed Gethsemane to break through the fog I was in. Again, me trying to create a moment.

He met me right where I was. This is the lesson for me. If I simply wait on Him, He will come for me. And, it is SO much easier and requires much less effort if I wait for Him to extend His hand rather than fight to reach Him from the pit I have dug for myself. But that is human life. I'm sure I will fight again.

My friend Mike asked me if this was going to become my new saying. I had been over using the phrase, "finish strong." Yep, I think I will now wear out the phrase "chasing lions."

Well, I'm off to chase another lion!