Reflections

Today marks one year since I rang the gong, symbolizing that I had completed my scheduled chemotherapy sessions. I have planned a small dinner celebration, but have been too afraid to get too excited about today. My one year scans are not scheduled until December 30th. I have the scans around 7:00am and see my oncologist for the results around 9:00am. I have been looking forward to that one because if the results are favorable, I plan to ask him about the possibility of me going home. Granted, even with the best of news, there are still a lot of hurdles to moving - post hysterectomy concerns and suggestions from my gynecologist, job opportunities in San Antonio, health care availability and affordability, strength to leave those I care about behind, saying goodbye to a job and people who have been so good to and for me. It is what I want, but it will by no means be easy. God willing, if all works out, I will get through graduation here at Belmont then start looking for work back home.

Reflecting back on the past year, going home has been my heart's greatest desire. I feel in my heart of hearts that home is where I need to be.

I have come a long way over the past year. I have changed, become a new person, even more introspective than I used to be. There is no need for me to repeat here anything that I have said before. Instead, I will reflect on the here and now.

I was looking forward to today, but to be perfectly honest, I have worked to keep my emotions in check. One reason is that not all are as fortunate. Someone I care about lost his wife to cancer this past year. Others I care about have had loved ones diagnosed with cancer this year. Another I care about had a cancer scare of her own. I hear about it everywhere I turn, church, work, radio, television. Has cancer just become so rampant or are my eyes and ears only now tuned to its devastation? I want to share my good fortune with others, but I want to be consciences of their grief and pain. Never do I want to appear to gloat or come across as any better than anyone else. Quite the contrary, I feel so fragile and unworthy. I have long come to terms with my survivorship and resigned myself to the fact that I may never understand God's purpose, but as I have said in the past, something is different in me. My rose colored glasses are off, I see the world for what it is, good and bad, and I am okay with that.

I am also terrified. Every day that I feel well I am thankful. Should God ask me to continue to walk up hill, I am ready to do as He asks. Still, my body has not regulated yet. I have extreme highs and extreme lows. The lows worry me.

Last week, I started feeling sick and developed a slight cough. People cough every day and most coughs are very common and treatable. However, I coughed for two years. Turns out, my cough was a precursor to cancer.

The boils/gigantic pimples may be clogged pores, a symptom of re-hair growth or a symptom of my ovaries readjusting, just as the doctor said. However, I had a huge problem with these months before being diagnosed with cancer.

Some of the boils were in a place on my body that was very painful and difficult to itch. I am developing similar symptoms. I am trying hard to fight it. It may be the same as above, but what if it's not that simple? What if it's a precursor to cancer again?

The cough has all but gone. Most of the boils are gone. But, the itching is intense. My hysterectomy is a few days away. As the days for this have drawn closer, I started to get scared about that. Luckily, some wonderful women have shared their stories with me, setting my mind at ease. I am now looking forward to it if for no other reason than that it will force my attention, at least temporarily, away from these scary conditions. After my one year scan, I will be even more at ease.

Other than the preoccupation with my health, there two other issues that have been on my mind a lot lately.

First, I am anxious to end this blog. I am committed to keep it up to date through the hysterectomy and last scans of the year. I have a great idea in mind as a final entry. If the cancer has returned, I suppose I will start a new blog following that journey. If I am still cancer free, it is time to move on.

Throughout this process, I have been a wide open, large print book for anyone and everyone to read. I held back nothing about myself. I only omitted stories when others were involved and telling the story may hurt them in some way, whether the story was just too personal or they are just private individuals.

Now, however, I find myself wanting to have some of my own secrets. Not that I have a heck of a lot of secrets and I have absolutely zero incriminating secrets (what you see is what you get with me), but all the same, it's time for me to fade into the shadows and live my life away from the written word. Instead, I will give life to my new characters and choreograph their lives.

Second, and this is something I hate to admit, but I am lonely. I am still terrified of dating and still think I am undatable (not unlovable, just undateable). It took me years to work through the emotions of my divorce. It has taken me a year to work through the emotions of cancer. I am just now starting to come up for air, but still find myself panicking from time to time. Now, I am about to have another serious, life changing surgery. Really, who would want to date me right now with all this baggage?

I don't feel sorry for myself. Like I said, I am not quite ready for a relationship. However, I am ready for a friend. I have Mike and I love him to death - as a brother - but I long for something in between what I have with Mike and having a full fledged boyfriend. (After re-reading this, I realized anyone who does not know me well may think that when I say I long for something in between that I mean I want a purely physical relationship. Quite the contrary. I would love all the perks of a boyfriend without the sexual intimacy. It would be nice to have someone to go out with, maybe hold hands in a theater or snuggle on the couch while watching a movie. Simple, pure intimacy. Nothing more!)

I have determined that if/when I ever do date again, the man will have to be broken, too. Who else would understand me? But, and this is a very big BUT, that man also has to have a firm foundation with Christ. We can be two broken vessels put back together in the bond of Christ. That is not negotiable. He must not simply say he's a Christian, he must live it!

Anyway, enough said about that. Time to prepare for Friday!