Work has been overwhelmingly busy. September is always my busiest month. Students return, I offer crime prevention convocations, a women's self-defense class, and work on the annual security report due October 1st. I put in a lot of hours on evenings and weekends on top of my regular shift. I have been working so much lately, my brain is starting to turn into mush. I stay focused on the task at hand rather well, but I have a very difficult time switching gears. I cannot think clearly on anything outside of the pressing work issues.
Am I working full time yet? All I do is work and sleep these days! I am drowning in too much work!
I'm not complaining, though. As time consuming as it all is, I really do enjoy it all - the safety programs, the report writing. Plus, I realize that I am super lucky to be working and have a pretty good job!
I have not always had the best attitude about work lately, though. As a matter of fact, up until a few weeks ago, I have been in a pretty dark place lately. I have been moody and on edge and ready for a fight. Even though I have felt my arguments have been just, I have gone about making my point in the complete wrong way.
It all came to a head a few weeks ago and I came close to just walking away. As a matter of fact, I made it out to the parking lot. Instead of walking to my car and driving to Texas (after going home to pick up Bailey and throw a few clothes in a suitcase), I took a long walk around campus collecting my thoughts. No matter how miserable I was at the moment, I needed that job and I needed it desperately. I have a hysterectomy planned at some point. With my health the way it has been, even if I didn't need surgery, I couldn't walk away without a game plan.
I went and talked to a friend who gave me business and personal advice. Afterward, I returned to my office and eventually sat down to have a much overdue conversation with my boss and friend.
My boss has been in just as bad a mood as I have been and I think for many of the same reasons. We have both been through a lot lately with our lives and health. He has been ready to retire for a very long time. I have been ready to go home for a very long time, ever since the problems in my marriage came to a head over three years ago.
Anyway, I shared my burdens with him and he shared his with me. We talked for a good hour or more and during that conversation, he told me he had decided to go ahead and retire now. He did not and could not wait two more years.
I think the talk was very therapeutic for both of us. Ever since then, we have both been lighter and happier in our work. It's not that I want him to retire. Quite the contrary. He's pretty much the only boss I have ever known and I owe most, if not all of what I have become in this job to him. I think it was just good for the both of us to be honest with where we were and what we wanted for our futures.
Everyone at work thinks I'm going to leave when he does. I have told everyone that I planned on leaving even before he told me his plans. I will admit, though, his leaving does make it easier for me to leave. I promised him long ago that I would not leave until he does.
Still, he is retiring at the end of the calendar year. Because of my surgery and other commitments, I most likely will not leave until the end of the academic year. I know anything may change. God may have other plans for me and until I leave (if I do indeed leave), I will give my all to where I am right now. However, the incident a few weeks ago and the calming effect of talking it all out with my boss changed something in me. It's like I know this part of my life is coming to a close and I feel at peace for the very first time in a very long time.
Several months ago, I came across a fortune that said "You will soon make a decision about a personal issue in your life." I never keep fortunes from fortune cookies and think they are all hogwash. I liked this one, kept it in my wallet and hoped it was true. That Thursday morning, I made my decision. I may not have left at that moment, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's hand is in this and it is time for a change.
The weekend after this life-changing decision, I sat down to work on my broken pot. My sister gave me the book and the idea last year for Christmas. I worked on it sporadically since then. Sometimes, it stayed in place for months. I always seemed to come back to it when I needed centering the most, during those times when I felt too wound up and in desperate need to calm myself inside and out and focus on something outside of myself - namely on God.
When I started the project, it was difficult and time consuming trying to fit the pieces together. The more I worked on it, the easier it became to figure it out how each piece fit. On that Sunday, I glued the last pieces together.
There are a lot of holes from pieces too shattered to put back together. The cracks are visible from a great distance. It cannot hold water any longer. Still, it is the most beautiful pot I have ever seen.
Like my life - shattered pieces made whole. It can no longer fulfill its original purpose, but it is still useful for something.
I started with the base, creating a firm foundation. The rest could not stand without the foundation. I build the rest, piece by piece, from the foundation. Once the last piece was glued into place, I felt a sense of empowerment, much like that which I felt after crossing the finish line of the Women Survivors 5K a few weeks before. I am whole again! I can do anything through Him who strengthens me!
I am not sure if it was before or after the pot, but during the same time, I watched a recorded episode of Perception. My sister got me to watch the show and the character, Dr. Pierce, got me hooked. I am not a schizophrenic, but I identify with him on some level. I feel like an outsider, often overlooked by others. I am not ashamed or embarrassed by my difference. I know I have value and worth. I just don't fit in to the ordinary mold. I'm not nearly as smart as Dr. Pierce, but I do consider myself more of an intellect, think with my head more than my heart. Although a fictional and not scientific writer, I am, nonetheless, a writer as well. Although I don't have grandiose conversations and experiences with imaginary people, I do have relationships and conversations with my characters as I am writing. I do not see them nor do I believe they are real. I have a firm grasp, I think, on reality and fantasy.
Anyway, I love that show. On one episode, a college football star undergoes a serious brain injury. He has to choose between playing and death or not playing and living. He is depressed because football is all he's ever known. What is he going to do if he doesn't play football?
At the very end of the episode, Dr. Pierce visits the boy in the hospital and gives him a college catalog. He tells the boy that something happened to him once, landing him in the hospital. He said, "I thought my life was over. All my dreams went out the window."
The boy asks what he did.
"I found a new dream," Dr. Pierce answers.
That last statement stuck with me. Although there have been good moments, overall, my life has been terrible the past three years. I have felt lost, like everything I believed in and expected out of life was ripped out from under me. I'm almost 40 years old and I feel like I have yet to truly grow up. Even though I like what I do and believe I do a good job, I feel like I have done nothing but coast through life simply following someone else's lead and taking no control of my own life or dreams.
My marriage is over. The family life I thought I would always have is gone. My childhood dreams are over. I'm too old to start trying. Besides, I no longer have any desire to be a professional drummer or a fighter pilot in the Air Force. I still want to be a writer, but there is no time for writing with my present job.
All that is behind me. The shattered pieces are getting put back into place. I am figuring out, piece by piece, the importance and worth of a firm foundation and how to trust in and rely on that foundation (my relationship with God). I am working on building on that foundation/relationship.
I'm working on figuring out how to fill the new pot that is the new me.
It's time to find a new dream.
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