This could have been depressing had I had any other doctor. I love Dr. Meluch. Not only is he good at what he does, but he is so kind. He said he noticed my weight gain, but assured me that the thyroid medicine was the right dosage for me and said sometimes it can take as long as three months to kick in. As he examined me, he asked me about my soft drink intake. I admitted that I had started drinking cokes again. I told him how I started getting upset with the slow progress and when I get upset, I reach for the things that are going to make me feel better. I am an emotional eater and coke drinker. I did stop drinking cokes again on Sunday. He told me that I don't have to give up the things I love, I just need to cut down. "Drink fewer cokes and lay off all the carbs. It's okay to eat a pizza, just don't eat it all the time. When you get a sub, get flat bread instead of that thick sub bread. Do simple things like that and you'll be amazed at how quickly the weight starts to fall off."
It's as if the lab results showed more than just my blood count, which is good, by the way. I ate a p'zone the night before and planned on going to Subway for lunch after my appointment! Instead of getting my usual meatball sub, I got a turkey on flat bread!
He also told me my wrist will not heal if I don't stop using it. So hard to do. Writing with my left hand has been hard. I use the mouse and space key with my left hand now, but my typing has slowed considerably by not using my right thumb. I keep making mistakes. Holding a book is more difficult. Changing clothes and using the restroom is challenging. Even though I use my hand less, it is next to impossible to not use it at all.
I actually had fun at the doctor. The nurses went on and on about how long my hair is getting. I told them how I have more gray, but that I don't want to dye it. I earned every one! "Cancer stress highlights" one nurse called it.
I even had a good conversation with some of the family members of patients while I waited for my appointment. We talked about treatment and my port. I talked some with current patients. The smell of saline still makes me a bit queasy, but what a different feeling not to have to go through treatment. Any time I look back and think treatment really wasn't that bad, all I have to do is go sit in the treatment room. I will start to feel those old feelings and remember just how unpleasant it really was. Lucky for me, I get to leave feeling as good as I did when I came. I like to hope that my presence and cheery attitude and willingness to talk about my own experience encourages those presently going through treatment.
Dr. Meluch teased me, saying I have too many doctors. I agree and cannot wait until all I have are irregular visits to my primary care doctor for the occasional illness. Right now, I have a different appointment with a different doctor just about once a week. Since my last visit with Dr. Meluch, I have seen a gynecologist to see if my weight and fatigue was a thyroid issue or menopause. I have seen my primary doctor to get treated for thyroid. (No menopause yet!) I have seen an orthopedist about my wrist. I saw another gynecologist to get my IED removed FINALLY! I knew it was a mistake the moment I got it. Faulty, angry, post divorce thinking that makes no sense, but made all the sense in the world at the time. Dr. Meluch wanted me to leave it in during treatment because it kept me from bleeding. My gynecologist would not take it out even after Dr. Meluch gave the okay. She has this "wait and see" attitude that I do not like one bit. It's that attitude I endured for two years before my new primary care doctor thought to send me to the oncologist. This new doctor asked no questions other than if I wanted to discuss other types of birth control. "No," I said, "I've been divorced for two and a half years and haven't had sex in almost three. I think I have proven to myself and everyone else that I will not run into the arms of a man just because I get lonely. I have no interest in any type of relationship." She laughed and took it out just as I asked! Love that doctor. She will be my new gynecologist.
Will continue to see my primary care doctor every 6 weeks for a while for blood work for the thyroid. Will continue to see the orthopedist until my wrist is better. Will continue seeing my oncologist until I reach my two year anniversary. And, I have a dentist appointment at the end of the month. Thank God for a good job with good insurance!
Speaking of God, my spirit took a direct hit after Bailey got sick. One incident after another beat me down and almost broke me. By the grace of God, Bailey recovered. Before she got sick, I took her walking with me on some trails at a nearby lake. Mike and I had to take turns carrying her most of the way. When she got better, I bought her a doggy stroller and took her back to the same lake. This time, she walked all 2.5 miles by herself and had more energy at the end than her momma did! She is an inspiration! I have since stopped feeding her table food. I am sure the healthier diet has helped her heal and have that energy!!!
Momma is starting to recover as well. It is far from easy. God has blessed me with two miracles, recovering from cancer and Bailey getting better. But, hard things still come. I recently had my heart broken again. After being divorced for almost three years, you would think I would be well past the pain. Unfortunately, I am not.
I knew we could not continue down the path we were on. We needed to either work on reconciliation or finally part ways so that we could both heal and move on. Brad brought this up and although I knew he was right, I was not ready to have that conversation. Long story short, he will soon be moving back to Texas. I no longer believe reconciliation is a viable option, at least, not right now. Who knows where we will be five or ten years down the road? We may be nothing more than a memory to one another or we may find our way back to each other. Only God knows what the future holds. All I know is that we both have our own baggage that we need to work through. We cannot work through it together. We have both hurt each other and the pain we have caused one another is still too raw. I have prayed about this and I believe we are both doing the right thing, what we need to do for us as individuals. That doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't make it any less painful.
What truly gets under my skin are people who react in one extreme or another. I understand where they are coming from, but what some people need to realize is that I mean no ill will toward him and I do still love him and I absolutely do not want to hear negative talk about him. On the other end, I wish some people would understand how hard it is for me, too. He's not the only victim. He's not the only one suffering. I have been through hell the past three years. I have tried my best to be strong for everyone and do the right thing for everyone else. May sound selfish, but it is time for me to take care of myself. There is a reason the airlines tell adults to put on their mask first before assisting others. I have been doing too much damage to myself by always trying to meet other's needs first. I'm tired of feeling guilty for letting others down. Does anyone ever feel guilty for letting me down?
Anyway, I digress...
One thing that has been a tremendous help in getting me out of my depression is a book called Greater by Steven Furtick. I am only half way through, but it has truly blessed me. The first part was about burning my plow. Before Elisha left and followed Elijah, he made his living with a plow and oxen. He did not just get up and leave, but he first destroyed any evidence of his old life. He burned the plow and killed the oxen.
I struggled in prayer for a while trying to figure out what my plow is. Then, God gave me the answer. I am my plow. I always get in my own way, try to orchestrate events instead of trusting in God. I act on my own ability and not on faith.
How do I burn my plow? I cannot physically get rid of myself. The answer is simple. Trust in God and stop trying to make things happen. If I don't know what to do, do nothing. The answer is simple, yet so very hard. The next section in the book made this whole idea click.
"A big dream without a small start is nothing but a daydream." I must take small steps. If I want to be a writer, I must take small steps. If I want to get healthier, I must take small steps. If I want a better relationship with God, I must take small steps.
I have not made small steps in writing yet. Writing is a little difficult with my sore wrist. My blog and work do help me stay creative some and does keep me writing until I am ready to take a small step in another direction.
Small steps have gotten me out of bed in the morning when I don't feel like going to work out. It has become my mantra. "Small step," I tell myself before climbing out of bed. I know what that small statement means, how profound the impact of one early morning workout means.
I went to the Subway shop in the same building as my oncologist before leaving yesterday. I ordered a flat bread sandwich. When trying to decide what to drink: coke, tea, fruit punch, Sprite Zero "small step" I said to myself and chose the Sprite.
Small steps keep me from obsessing about the impossibility of reaching for the big dreams. I want to get back down to 140 at least. I would love to get down to 130, the goal I had set for myself before I got sick. Thinking of 27 pounds seems like an impossible dream. Thinking of 27 pounds is enough to make me want to give up. Thinking about the small step, the choice to be made at any one given moment is doable. Sure, I will and have failed, but I simply start over with the next small step.
The same is true in my relationship with God. It is hard to pray or read the Bible sometimes. Small step. I commit to reading just one chapter. I commit to talking to God while walking from my car to the gym. Small steps sometimes lead to bigger steps.
It has also worked with Brad...although this has been the hardest challenge. I wake up feeling broken hearted. Focus on the day, this one task in front of me. Small step. I want to go to him. I want to go to his family and check up on him. I know I can't right now. I talk to God instead. Small step. I feel depressed thinking I may never see him again. I made the choice to move on, but it still hurts. I want to go straight to bed after work. Instead of isolating myself, I go sit and watch television with Morgan or read a book to take my mind off of him. Small step.
Since taking on this mantra and living by those simple words, I notice that I have been happier than I have been in a very, very long time. I still struggle, but things don't stress me out as easily as they have in the past. It's like the weight of what I should do or should be is off. Small steps.
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