I Feel Great

(If you happen to notice any glaring editing mistakes, don't worry. It's not that I'm sick or anything. I simply did not proof this entry!)

Today I had a CT scan and doctor appointment. It will be eight months next Monday since my last treatment. Time has flown by and I am always a bit nervous before each CT scan. This time was worse than normal.

One thing cancer has taught me is that nothing is certain. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. Most people have gotten to know me well enough to know not to tell me that everything is going to be okay. They know that's not what I want or need to hear. I know such people mean well, but they cannot know that. I have seen and experienced too much. Until I get the official word, my immediate future, what my life will look like when I leave his office, is up in the air.

This past six weeks has been tough. I have dealt with deep depression and started experiencing things I experienced just before I found out I had cancer. For these reasons, I did not feel as confident of the outcome as I have in the past.

My uncle recently found out he has stage 3 colon cancer. Luckily, the doctors say it is treatable, but still. That family has been going through enough health related issues. No one needed or wanted this on top of everything else.

I have written before about people I know who have died of cancer. Recently, one of my friends and life heroes was told there was nothing more that could be done and was given hospice care to help make her comfortable. No one said exactly what that means, but no one had to.

This woman and her husband are amazing individuals. Even with all they were going through, they still did so much to help others in need. She taught me about strength and love and selflessness.

Why my uncle? Why my friend? Why me? Why are things going so well for me lately? My uncle has a family and a business. My friend has a husband and a ministry. People will miss me, yes, but I do not have children or a husband. More than that, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded for death. They want to live.

I have had all these emotions before, but I'm not sure what happened to make it worse now. All I know is that the survivor's guilt was intense. I didn't talk about it much because I didn't want to hear how God has a plan for me, blah, blah, blah. I know that. I get that. Knowing that I cannot know or understand the mind of God or His larger plan did not make the emotions any less real or painful. I suffered, for the most part, in silence.

The depression left during the second to last night of my two week trip to Texas last month. I was lucky enough to get to attend the R.A.D. Conference in San Antonio. There was a banquet the last night. I almost didn't go partly because I didn't really know anyone very well and partly because of my depression. I promised my mom I would go, though, and I am glad I did.

One of the women sitting at my table told me a story about a job she had as a nurse's aid. She told me she got too attached to the patients in hospice care and her mom told her that she'd end up killing herself with worry. She got very attached to one old man. She was the one who found his body.

Something about her story and her mother's words struck me. The survivor's guilt was going to kill me if I didn't stop worrying about it. After that night, I seemed to be okay with my lot in life. All I can do is learn from the Godly example of my friend and pray for and be there for my uncle and his family. Take life as it comes.

Somehow, letting go of the guilt also reignited my prayer life. It got even better after this past Sunday's sermon. Our pastor was talking about end times. At one point he said something to the effect of why would we want to rush the second coming? It is selfish for us to want God to come now. The longer He waits, the more opportunity for those we love to surrender their lives to Him and be saved. His words struck me. My guilt, my desire to die, my longing for God to come again, is selfish.

I don't know what God has planned for me and I really don't care - as long as He is here and near and in control. I am here today and as the Bible says, do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough worries of it's own.

It's funny. I had determined to seek counseling or find a support group as soon as I got back from my trip to Texas in order to help me work through the survivor's guilt and other issues. A simple story from a stranger made something click in my head and took that depression away. My, how good is God!

After returning from Texas, I started feeling very fatigued again. I even developed a bump under my arm just like I did just before I found out I had cancer. Granted, these trips to Texas and back take me about a week to recover from ever since the cancer and work has been very busy. I have also started working out at the YMCA. But, still. Any time I get overly tired, I wonder.

I got the bump the day after returning from my trip to Texas. It could be from the sweaty trip and could simply be a large pimple or infected hair gland. But, still. Is it something simple or is it a sign of cancer? I wonder.

Before my trip to Texas, I got a really bad ear infection in my right ear. I haven't had an ear infection since I was a kid. My right ear is my bad ear. Is it simply an ear infection or could it be a sign of cancer?

I pooped a lot of blood one day. I have never bled like that before. Sure, I had been constipated for a few days, but there is no way that could be normal. Was it a hemorrhoid or a sign of cancer?

There have been moments when I coughed. My allergies are bad and even worse after cancer. The cancer started with a cough. Is it allergies or a sign of cancer?

There was a day last week that I felt very sick. I threw up after brushing my teeth. I had bad diarrhea and an upset stomach for the better part of the day. Was it the food the day before, a simple stomach bug, or a sign of cancer?

Like I explained to a coworker who asked if I really worry about the results of the test, there is no such thing as a common cold. Everything is a potential sign of the cancer returning.

So, I am sitting in Dr. Meluch's office waiting for him to come in. He comes in and tells me my fibroids are in the way. We laugh because we already know this is an issue. I am to have a full hysterectomy early next year.

Then he tells me that my vitamin D level is good and my blood is good. He tells me the scans look good. No cancer!!! He says, "Your tests are great, but the real question is how do you feel?"

I may have answered differently had he started with asking me how I felt, but knowing I am still cancer free and healthy, I said, "I am great!"

I was a bit worried about my weight coming in. Last time, he was proud of me for finally dropping the weight and giving up the cokes. Well, I started out awesome during my vacation, but by the end, I had stopped working out and I was eating bad...and drinking a few cokes. When I got back from vacation, I managed to drop the cokes immediately, but it took some time getting back to working out. I didn't want him mad at me for taking a step backwards.

Before I was weighed, I was sure to empty my pockets and use the restroom. I also made sure to wear my sandals and a light pair of shorts! I weigh the exact same as I did last time. A bit disappointing, but at least I had not gained.

During the physical portion of my exam, Dr. Meluch told me that I obviously must have been doing something right because I had more muscle tone. I have not noticed, but I'm glad he did and I'm glad he was proud of me for it. I did admit to my lapse during vacation! I even told him about my first ever palates class.

I told him about the survivor's guilt and why. He said he was sorry to hear about my friend and said my uncle's type and stage was still treatable.

I told him how scared I was about the results and told him that the smell of saline still makes me nauseous. He said that is all normal.

As we were walking out of his office, he turned to me and asked me if my port was out. He knew it had been taken out, but momentarily forgot because it is customary to get it flushed after meeting with him. I said yes and told him that my chest was itching like crazy lately. He said that was normal as the nerves that were cut start to heal. He said I should soon start to feel a tingling sensation where the scare is located. That was another thing that was worrying me some. I am not gentle with the scar area anymore and neither is Bailey. She jumps all over me! Could my carelessness have caused a problem in the healing process? Nope! Thank goodness!

Bottom line, everything I have gone through physically and emotionally lately is normal! I have never been so happy to be normal!



I had to be at the Imaging Center for my CT scan at 6:50am. When I arrived, there was only one other person there. I got my two cups of fruit punch flavored contrast and took a seat. I pulled out my book and started reading.

The man remarked on the huge size of the book like a lot of people do. He asked what I was reading like other people do. Unlike others, he did not stop when I told him what I was reading.

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo. I told him how I saw the movie last year and loved it and wanted to read the book. He told me quite a story about his adopted son and taught me a lesson about the miracle of God's plan.

At the age of 10, in 1995, his son auditioned for a part in the musical Les Miserables. He won the role of little Gavroche and toured the US and Canada.

The man told me that he didn't believe in destiny, but all the little things that had to happen to make this work for his son were just too well orchestrated, as if someone else had a plan in putting it all together.

He told me he doesn't usually tell this story anymore, but shared it with me because I obviously like Les Miserables.

Well, I do believe in destiny and I do believe that God orchestrated our meeting and interaction this morning. God is in charge of my life and has put me right where I need to be.

My head and my heart have come to an understanding and I am now at ease with where I am and accept wherever I may be tomorrow.