Just One More Thing

Lunch break at work. Since I can't seem to focus on anything else, I decided to write about my appointment with my gynecologist this morning.

Last April, a few months before I found out I had cancer, I got into one of the patrol cars one day at work to load up one of my RAD gear bags to lend to another university. As I sat in the driver's seat, a sharp pain shot up through my insides. It felt like I had sat on a sword. I went inside to use the restroom and try to collect myself. It did no good. The pain got worse and worse. I ended up on the bathroom floor clutching my stomach just trying to breathe.

I finally gathered enough strength to stand up and walk to my boss's office. I stood in his doorway and told him that I needed him to take me to the hospital. I can endure a lot of pain and only went to my boss when I was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that this pain was not simply going to go away.

He took me to the hospital and I sat in the waiting room of the ER for an eternity, sweating and breathing heavy and repositioning myself in the chair trying to keep that pain from shooting up into my abdomen. I thought I was having appendicitis. Turned out to be fibroids. A cyst ruptured causing that excruciating pain. The ER doctor told me that fibroids were common in women and there was little else to do. The pain would subside. It did...for the most part.

I saw a gynecologist and my gynecologist at the time had a wait and see attitude about things. This is the same one I stopped seeing after I got cancer and could no longer tolerate that wait and see attitude.

When I got cancer and started getting chemotherapy, my oncologist told me to hold off on the fibroid issue until after treatment. I understood his reasoning for wanting to wait so I waited.

During my last CT scan, it showed the fibroids looked bigger. He sent the information to my new gynecologist and we set up an appointment for an ultrasound. I like this gynecologist. This is the one who took my IUD out when I asked her to as soon as my oncologist said it was okay. She saw no reason to wait if he said it was okay and that's what I wanted.

I met with her to discuss the results of the ultrasound. I have five fibroids. Three are on the outside lining of my ovaries, but they are about the size of small oranges. I have one on the inside, but it is small. I can't remember where the fifth one is located. At least one of the fiboids is pushing on my ovary. That explains why I constantly have discomfort on the left side of my lower stomach. It's not painful, but it is uncomfortable. I asked if this could explain my constant lower back pain. She said possibly, but there is no way of knowing for sure. These fibroids pushing on me is also causing heavier bleeding during periods.

My new gynecologist said she likes the decision to be the patients put she wants to make sure her patients have all the information up front in order to make an informed decision. She said we have several options: do nothing and live with it. Many women do. I could get another IUD inserted. This will help the bleeding, but will not help the pain and discomfort. I could get a myomectomy to remove the larger fibroids. I could get a hysterectomy which would remove the fibroids and ovaries.

I told her how I did not like my old gynecologist because of her "wait and see" attitude about things, but how, after treatment, I am not sure what to do. I am 37 years old. I do not have kids and do not want kids. That part is not what concerns me. I even told her about my mom and grandmother having hysterectomies at my age. This is hereditary.

What concerns me now is having had cancer. The post-effects of cancer are still lingering. I told her about my wrist problem. When it took so long to heal, my doctor said surgery was an option. I said no because I realize my body is taking longer to heal. I wanted to give it more time and my wrist did end up healing on its own.

I told her about the thyroid issue and how my oncologist said it may recover on its own or this may be a permanent problem.

She said she understood, but warned me that even so, these fibroids will not get smaller. They may grow, but they will not shrink or disappear.

I told her I didn't like the idea of doing nothing. The pain last April and the minor discomfort right now is awful. If I can do something to possibly help my side and my back to feel better, I want to do whatever I need to do. The IUD issue is not an option. I had it taken out for a reason and I do not want to put it back in. The bleeding does not concern me or bother me. It is the fibroids alone that concern me.

The only seemingly viable option, then, is either the myomectomy or hysterectomy. Both have their pros and cons. The myomectomy means the fibroids will be taken out, but the ovaries will be left in. However, the fibroid in the ovary would remain. In time, it could grow and cause problems, putting me right back in this position. The other issue is recovery time. The myomectomy and hysterectomy both take between 4-6 weeks of recovery time. She said she is old school and does not perform the non-surgical hysterectomies.

She told me to consider the emotional impact of a hysterectomy. Even if I don't want kids, the reality that I cannot have kids could take an emotional toll. Should I choose the hysterectomy, I need to be prepared for the emotional impact and healing as well as the physical.

I told her that although I did not like my former gynecologist's attitude about "wait and see," that's exactly what I wanted to do right now. Because of the cancer, I wanted to wait and talk this over with my oncologist to see what he thinks. I fully trust him and value his opinion.

I left her office feeling deflated. On the one hand, I was glad that she is giving me options. On the other, I wish she would make the decision for me, take a lot of the stress off of me. Again, I do not like the idea of living with the discomfort and knowing I could end up in the hospital again with complications from them. If there is even a small chance that either surgical procedure could help me stomach and back feel better, why not try?

On the other hand, I am feeling better than I have felt in years. I am running and active and hope to get back into Krav Maga on some small level this week. I really, really, really don't want to be down for another 4-6 weeks. I've had enough of being sick. Plus, there is no good time to plan this. Work is busy. My RAD class is picking back up. I've been helping out in church. I hoped to go to Gethsemane again this October.

The other downer is the realization that I am still not healthy. I cannot afford to move back to Texas as long as I still have these issues. Will I be better and able to move home in another year? Will I have to give up that dream and just stay put? Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but it isn't what I hoped for.

On the one hand, if I think surgery is the way to go, now would be the time--while I have insurance and a good job instead of moving and possibly developing worse problems down the road and not having as good of a job or insurance. On the other hand, this is a very big deal, not a decision to be taken lightly.

For now, I will do my best not to think about it and wait and discuss the issue with Dr. Meluch in a few weeks. I ask for prayer for God to show me the way.